How do umarried young men live chaste lives?

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Madaglan

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Hey,

I’m about 22 years old, single, and don’t have any girlfriend or anything, and I wonder how guys can remain chaste at this age. When I say chaste I mean living a sexually pure life–no masturbation, no sex outside of marriage, no lustful thoughts after anyone except a marriage partner, etc.

I mean, whenever I’m out in public, I feel like I’m burning on fire whenever I see girls about my age. And then whenever I see movies with my friends, it usually has some really hot girl, and even if she is not nude, it still excites me. I go running to try to get the excitement away from my mind, but that’s only temporary, and I can’t run at 11 p.m. at night!

Worst of all, I have more mojo than most guys my age, methinks :o

Can anybody please help me with advice? I oftentimes feel like the Catholic teachings on sexual attraction and so forth are masochistic, or at least overly-ascetic. They certainly make you go crazy trying not to think of girls, which comes naturally. What do you think?
 
My husband and I just got married and he also struggled with this. He was exposed to impurities by his friends at a very young age and struggled with it since then. I remember when he talked to me about it and I was almost hysterical because I couldn’t believe that my very Catholic boyfriend had these problems. Then I learned how so many men do and it broke my heart. Maybe it will motivate you to think about how hurtful it is to your future wife/girlfriend when you have impure thoughts. I felt like he was cheating on me.I lost a lot of trust for my then boyfriend and it took a long time for me to realize that he truly was fighting the temptations. I’m sure though that you would never want your future wife to go through the pain and hurt that I had to go through. Once you do have a girlfriend- I would suggest talking to her about it once the two of you are serious because her prayers are very valuable and it will bring the two of you closer when you are fighting the battle together. Of course, the graces from marriage are also a huge blessing. Fight it hard- my husband says. He also said that he avoided anything that would be a temptation and tried to hang out with guys and do activities that weren’t an occasion to sin. Pray the St. Michael prayer every day for the intention to be pure. God Bless You!
 
I tried to set down my thoughts systematically here. Forgive me for the lengthy reply.

Chastity:

–Sexuality and sexual morality is approached no differently than any other aspect of life. The moral life is a total package; sexuality is one part, and not the most demanding part at that.

–Without conversion, nothing is possible. No sustaining reason for a moral life exists apart from conversion. Without metanoia, the change of heart, the internal “Why bother?” is insurmountable.

–Conversion is definitive and perpetual. This necessitates both a concrete pledge of amendment and constant renewal.

–Perpetual conversion is impossible without Grace, which is the fruit of the sacraments, which are the sustenance of our souls. I am specifically talking about Penance and Eucharist.

–Recognition of this need for sacramental grace is crucial. Consider:
A) You will die spiritually, and it follows, physically, if you do not partake of the sacramental life which alone is the source of the actual graces you need to live.
B) Sacrilege is worse than nonreception, in that you are not only denied all the grace that is the fruit of the sacrament, but you also spit upon your only source of those graces. The problem worsens.
C) A is greater than B. Therefore you must practice Penance to partake of Eucharist if you want to live. Which you do!

–This is the primary lesson. There will be no progress until you learn it.

–The lesson is worthless if you do not put it into practice, i.e. regular confession, no matter what, no less than once a month. Regular partaking of the holy eucharist, no less than weekly (this of course demands the state of grace, thus conversion and the confessional are the only way you can keep this up).

–You will learn this lesson the easy way or the hard way. You will either cling to the sacraments by your free choice (out of the real love for your Creator and the recognition that grace alone sustains you), or you will cling to the them out of necessity (grave sin demands that you either turn to the sacraments or abandon all hope). One or the other.

–Considering it another way, Christ died for you, rose for you, and calls to you. Through conversion he draws us to himself. He will continue to do that no matter what. Why do you think he permits you, his brother and child, to fall so frequently? If it takes habitual mortal sin to make you a habitual confessor so be it. Do not expect your life to change until you change it. There is a void in the life of all people. If it is not filled with grace, it will be filled with trash. And it must be filled! But what will you fill it with?

–Concluding: Sacramental grace is the only way to live a moral life. The only way. The only way. The only way. For this is where we approach the Savior: in the Holy Mysteries, the sacraments, out of which flow all the graces won by his Passion. And it is only in approaching the Savior that we are saved.

I want to supplement this with some other notes, not central to the argument, so that’ll come next. Deep breath…
 
Okey. There are a few other things I believe are necessary to understand, as well as some final thoughts, so here goes.

Some supplementals on the sacramental life:

–Remember that the sacramental life is the building block of your prayer life. Private devotions and pious thoughts will do nothing for you if you are not feeding yourself. In fact, you won’t be able to keep them up if you don’t receive the the grace to do so. There is no substitute for sacramental grace. None. No devotions. No counselling. No force of will. All of these you will need in smaller or larger doses, but they must be built on a foundation: Christ in the Confessional; Christ in the Eucharist.

–One can on a purely intellectual level see that lust gradually kills the ability to love, the ability to relate to others, and the ability to recognise others as people rather than objects (if it is not apparent now, it will be later). One can come to the understanding of the exploitation inherit in pornography, of the denigration of all who participate in it. Of course, this understanding is not enough to sustain oneself against temptation, and indeed, it is doubtful that one can arrive at this knowledge without the help of the sacraments. The indoctrination by society, one’s misguided self, and one’s adversaries is very strong. Remember that God is the source of all truth as well as all grace.

–One can only learn the truth about sin, its effect on oneself and others and its total rejection of God only through learning the truth about grace: that it alone gives you life. And the only way to learn that about grace is to receive it, immersing yourself as deeply as possible in the sacraments. The more you lose yourself in God’s grace, you more you lose your sins. It is much harder to turn your back on a loved one than it is to ignore a stranger.

–Temptation is not sin, and it will never cease. If anyone were granted the gift of a life free of temptation, it would have been Christ, who alone never offended his Father. Yet temptation never ended for him in his earthly life. It will never end for you either.

–That doesn’t have to be discouraging. Consider the words of one of the Desert Fathers: Abba Cyrus of Alexandria was asked about the temptation of fornication, and he replied, 'If you do not think about it, you have no hope, for if you are not thinking about it, you are doing it. I mean, he who does not fight against the sin and resist it in his spirit will commit the sin physically. It is very true that he who is fornicating in fact is not worried about thinking about it."

One thing you must not do. Seriously:

–Do not get married! The belief that marriage will cure disordered sexual acts is completely false. The single man’s sins affect himself in a profound and personal way, but those sins affect his brothers and sisters only in an abstract way. Those same sexual sins within the married relationship will now hurt and destroy your spouse in the same, if not worse way that they hurt and destroy you. It is not hard to look around and read the countless testimonies of marriages strained to the breaking point, if not shattered, by sexual impropriety. You must be healed before you can heal others. You cannot be intimate if you are not capable of love. Lust destroys your ability to love. Don’t drag your spouse into your hell. Climb out first. Only then can marriage bear the fruit for which it was made.

On that note:

A true quest for purity has sobriety as its goal. Before sobriety can be achieved, continence must be learned. How can you know when it is okay to say “Yes!” if you do not possess in yourself the ability to say “No!” ? You cannot.

Strive for a year of total abstinence. Not only free of what is gravely disordered (lust, pornography, fornication, etc.), but also free of what is permitted for those who are morally healthy (dating, marriage). Putting it bluntly: Those who give into lust are disorded. Not healthy. They aren’t permitted to do those things! We must heal, learn to love, before we can love. Only then, when selfmastery is achieved, can you truly seek out someone else and say “I love you, and I want what is best for you to the diminishment of myself.” If you are single, stay that way. If you are in a relationship, seriously consider stepping away for the sake of your beloved. It will be the best thing you can do for her.

That’s all I have. All of which is spoken as a fellow 22 year old scumbag. Take it as you will.
 
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Madaglan:
Hey,

I’m about 22 years old, single, and don’t have any girlfriend or anything, and I wonder how guys can remain chaste at this age. When I say chaste I mean living a sexually pure life–no masturbation, no sex outside of marriage, no lustful thoughts after anyone except a marriage partner, etc.

I mean, whenever I’m out in public, I feel like I’m burning on fire whenever I see girls about my age. And then whenever I see movies with my friends, it usually has some really hot girl, and even if she is not nude, it still excites me. I go running to try to get the excitement away from my mind, but that’s only temporary, and I can’t run at 11 p.m. at night!

Worst of all, I have more mojo than most guys my age, methinks :o

Can anybody please help me with advice? I oftentimes feel like the Catholic teachings on sexual attraction and so forth are masochistic, or at least overly-ascetic. They certainly make you go crazy trying not to think of girls, which comes naturally. What do you think?
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  1. Look away (known as practicing “custody of the eyes”) when in public, and close your eyes when in the movie theater.
  2. Avoid near occasions of sin, such as unclean movies and other entertainments (yes, it can be tough, but it’s worth it).
  3. Pray a lot.
  4. Frequent the sacraments, especially the Eucharist and Reconciliation (the latter even if you don’t have mortal sins on your soul).
God would not require of us that which is impossible (i.e., it is difficult but not impossible to remain chaste). Have you noticed that the harder you try NOT to think of something, the more likely it is to come back into your mind? Occupy you mind with positive things, such as God’s ultimate expression of love on the cross, how fortunate you are to have your life and your faith, and the other good things that God has given you.

When you start to “burn” at the sight of an attractive girl, first remember that she is someone’s daughter or sister. How would you like it if some guy your age entertained lustful thoughts about your sister/cousin/mother? Also, say a quick prayer to our Blessed Mother for help and protection from sinful thoughts.

Keep fighting the good fight and eventually you will find inner peace on these matters and will develop self-mastery.
 
Is Masturbation a mortal sin?

I have the same struggles. I have been living a physically chaste life for two years now. The longer I go without Sex the more it seems to be overpowering my mind. It is not just a physical thing. That level of intimacy brings comfort and peace.

I don’t want to get married just so that i can have sex becuase i know that would lead to disaster but Man, this is rough.

I pray a lot about it. I confessed it every week and I took the eucharist 3 times a week for a bout a year. To no avail. I am still so lustful and I know of only one cure. The one that will lead me to hell.
 
I’m the same age as you, and understand your thoughts. It’s hard to be anywhere without seeing girls in immodest clothing. I try to say a prayer for them, especially when they are blatently flaunting their bodies. I feel sad for them, because what they are really searching for (as are we all) is the love of Christ. They get a feeling of love (not really true love) from the attention they get by doing this.

In addition to the prayers helping them, it would also help you keep your focus off lustful thoughts, but to see people’s bodies as they are, the temple of the Holy Spirit. It is hard to change your way of thinking but with the grace of God it can be done.

A few resources that helped me, and I highly recommend:
“Good News about Sex and Marriage” by Christopher West (book)
“Naked Without Shame” by Christopher West (CD Set)
-the latter can be found at www.nakedwithoutshame.com for the low price of 3.90 + shipping. I
 
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santaro75:
Is Masturbation a mortal sin?

I have the same struggles. I have been living a physically chaste life for two years now. The longer I go without Sex the more it seems to be overpowering my mind. It is not just a physical thing. That level of intimacy brings comfort and peace.

I don’t want to get married just so that i can have sex becuase i know that would lead to disaster but Man, this is rough.

I pray a lot about it. I confessed it every week and I took the eucharist 3 times a week for a bout a year. To no avail. I am still so lustful and I know of only one cure. The one that will lead me to hell.
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Keep in mind that something sinful like masturbation becomes a habit and is extremely hard to break. So at a certain point, I would think that due to the habit, it would probably only be a mortal sin if you were to “harden your heart” and give up fighting the temptations.

In breaking the habit, it helps to look at winning small victories. If you look at, ‘boy, i need to stop doing this ever again.’ it looks impossible. If you look take each temptation as it comes and try to pray for the grace to fight it, you can take glory in the victory Christ has given you. You will probably not win each battle, and will feel bad when you don’t, but eventually you will win more and more battles which will lead to less battles that even need to be fought.

It may help to deny yourself of the Eucharist until you have confessed. In that way, you can replace your desire with a desire for Christ. That has helped me overcome a few things, because then it makes it very real that I am choosing between it and Christ.

I hope some of this will help you, and I will pray for you.
 
Peace be with you all,

I am an older ( almost 40) married gentleman and I just wanted to say that I recall my youth and I truly feel your pain my dearest Brothers-in-Christ. I am particularly moved by your desires to struggle with this and to offer up your suffering to God. At your age it is so easy to simply yield to the desires of the flesh and I am so impressed that you admit and seek support and help on this matter. Truly our society is not what it was twenty years ago and much of the youth revel in their sexuality. Pray my dearest Brothers and when you fail and fall from your graces, humbly get up and seek Confession and don’t lose faith in yourselves. You are in a trial and one that you will struggle with for some time. Never allow your failure to get the better of you and allow you to drift from the Church. Amen.

Peace, Love and Blessings.
 
An age old struggle:

**Psalm, *****Chapter 119: 9-11 “***How can the young walk without fault? Only by keeping your words. With all my heart I seek you; do not let me stray from your commands. In my heart I treasure your promise, that I may not sin against you. “

It also helps to immerse yourself in the Word of God to occupy and program your thoughts.
 
When you see a beautiful woman, and they are all beautiful, admire her beauty as you would a work of art. No woman is an object to be attained which is what lust does for you. Lust turns women in to things. Women are not things. Women are our complement, that which makes a man complete, and women are to be cherished, guarded, nurtured, supported and protected.
 
Are you actually having lustful thoughts or are you just feeling normal attraction to women?
 
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Madaglan:
Can anybody please help me with advice? I oftentimes feel like the Catholic teachings on sexual attraction and so forth are masochistic, or at least overly-ascetic. They certainly make you go crazy trying not to think of girls, which comes naturally. What do you think?
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I think I sympathize, that’s what I think. So let me say this standing from the same place you are standing.

Some battles are worth fighting even when you know from the outset that you cannot win. This is one of them. Just keep struggling, moment to moment, temptation to temptation. Do what you can, and ask forgiveness for what you cannot.

I’m sorry. I wish I had a better answer for you.
 
I’m 25, and the last person to give advice (hypocrite) on this, but pornographic and/or degrading thoughts about women are a dead end, all they lead to is shame and guilt, not satisfaction.

Maybe try and replace such fantasies with healthier ones about a real relationsip with a real person, ie. a future wife. Although some here might regard that as sinful too (ALL desiring thoughts are evil, apparently…)
 
Originally Quoted by cynic:
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Are you actually having lustful thoughts or are you just feeling normal attraction to women?
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Well, I don’t actively lust after women. It’s not like I drool as I create nasty thoughts in my mind. Actually, it’s mostly just a normal attraction to women, which has a sexual attraction, too. So, I might see a women, and even though I don’t dwell on any corrupt thoughts about her, I do feel somewhat electrified and excited, and sometimes my heart feels like it’s on a roller coaster.

I guess there’s also an element of frustration–wanting to have a nice and sweet girlfriend, but not having one. So there’s also a sort of deep longing that is not necessarily sexual.
Originally Quoted by cynic:
Maybe try and replace such fantasies with healthier ones about a real relationsip with a real person, ie. a future wife. Although some here might regard that as sinful too (ALL desiring thoughts are evil, apparently…)
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Yeah, that’s actually more of my problem: not so much lusting after random women in a promiscuous way, but sorta having desiring thoughts about having a girlfriend/companion, or a wife. Not always sexual thoughts, but sometimes. Usually just a longing for companionship. But somebody told me that such thoughts are a sin, too.
 
I’m 23,

Pray the Rosary everyday. Wear a scapular or Mircaulous Medal or a crucifix or combination of them. Don’t take them off. Ask Mary to help you stay pure and to help you keep an undivided heart and mind. Ask St. Michael the Archangel to defend you in battle. Go to Mass as often as possible and also pray before the Blessed Sacrament as often as possible. Put a picture or statue of Jesus or Our Lady in every room in your house where you may want to be unchaste. Here’s a great prayer by St. Thomas Aquinas:

Dearest Jesus! I know well that every perfect gift, and above all others that of chastity, depends upon the most powerful assistance of Thy Providence, and that without Thee a creature can do nothing. Therefore, I pray Thee to defend, with Thy grace, chastity and purity in my soul as well as in my body. And if I have ever received through my senses any impression that could stain my chastity and purity, do Thou, Who art the Supreme Lord of all my powers, take it from me, that I may with an immaculate heart advance in Thy love and service, offering myself chaste all the the days of my life on the most pure altar of Thy Divinity.
Amen.
 
Hey madaglan,

Being about 22 myself and not having a girlfriend either I kinda know what your going through, well I guess frequent reception of the Sacraments is indispensable along with a solid prayer life; it also helps to look at one’s life as a gift from God and desire to offer back to Him a pure sacrifice of oneself.

Realise too that a lotta youth who wanna live a chaste life are going through the same struggles that you are,so realise that you are not alone in this all by yourself; the important thing is to persevere (a grace from God we must pray for) in your good desire to please God and to keep yourself pure for the one you will marry.

Jesus too, when He was our age must have gone through all these troubles and temptations, though He didn’t sin; and so we have someone who understands us totally and whom we can go to for help and consolation.

Do read Pope John Pauls book ’Love and Responsibility’ as it puts everything in perspective and explains the wisdom behind the Catholic Church’s teaching of fostering a healthy attitude towards sexuality which leads to real, deep and lasting love and an abiding sence of fulfillment.

Also realise that pleasure is only momentary and the feeling passes away soon ultimately leading to a sence of frustration; but leading a self controlled life is really worthwhile and holds one in good stead all through one’s life…so just hang on there and dont give in.

Just remember to also pray for all those who are going through what you are and also for those who have not seen the wisdom in leading a chaste life as yet.

Do pray to Mary our mother, who stood by her Son through all the difficult moments of His life to be with us too in our trials.
 
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Madaglan:
Yeah, that’s actually more of my problem: not so much lusting after random women in a promiscuous way, but sorta having desiring thoughts about having a girlfriend/companion, or a wife. Not always sexual thoughts, but sometimes. Usually just a longing for companionship. But somebody told me that such thoughts are a sin, too.
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So your ARE chaste in your actions, but you’re wondering what type of thoughts are acceptable? Is non-sexual longing ok? And so far you haven’t gotten a specific answer to this.
 
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