How do you “feel” about your spouse?

[goout]

Your feelings are going to vary. There are times when feelings of comfort and bonding and peace and intimacy prevail, and you just want to spend time sitting on the porch.

And there are times when my wife and I absolutely can’t stand one another for one more minute.
“You smell bad”
“You never touch me”
"“You never listen to me unless you want sex”
“Why did you reach out to your ex boyfriend when his mom died, that’s not your place”
“You never call me at work”
“We gave up all our family vacations because you had to work”
“If you clear your throat one more time I am moving to the other bedroom”
Etc…

You live with someone, you are going to have friction. Unrelenting kindness is the only way. Sometimes is easy sometimes very hard. One blessing of having been married for thirty years is, you have the confidence that even the worst trials pass eventually.

and the other issue about children/spouse, that’s a false dichotomy.

Children are the fruit of marriage. A family is a unit. And that can create friction too when spouses disagree, or when a spouse wants the attention at the same time a child needs it.
That creates some serious friction, but we have to work it out.

 

[jrgmercado]

My wife is not my “best friend” but she is probably the one person I’m most open (myself) with.
“Unconditionally” is impossible for me to understand. I love her in spite of her faults and I know that she also loves me at my worst.
We haven’t been married very long, 8 yrs in Jan, but we have been together for 10 years. I def love her more today then I did when we met.
I’m not sure that we’ve gotten there yet. Most of our issue have been very mundane and forgettable.
Kids have def complicated things but not “worse” just different.
Not sure I can honestly say I love one or the other “more”. I would give my life to protect them more but if (God forbid) I’d have to make a choice, the kids would be the priority but that is also what she’d expect from me so…

 

[jrgmercado]

Sometimes it’s easier to share with “strangers” and considering I always look forward to your posts Tis_Bearself, and how frequently you post, you aren’t exactly a stranger.

 

[QuillWriter]

The problem with this sort of post, it seems to me, is that it’s sort of weighted in favor of positive, or at least neutral responses. I don’t imagine many people with generally negative feelings toward their spouse and their marriage are going to respond to these questions, so I’m not sure whatever insight the OP is looking for in regards to marriage is going to be terribly informative or accurate anyway.

I don’t know… Maybe I misunderstood the purpose of the post?

 

[Irishmom2]

Life, I remember your story, and I am happy to hear that things are better for you.

 

[Allegra]

My husband is definitely my best friend, in both the romantic sense and the pathetic, neither-one-of-us-has-a-life-outside-the-home sense. Except it really isn’t pathetic to us. We’re quite happy that way. We have a lot of similar tastes and hobbies. We enjoy spending as much time together as possible. We also actually like spending time with our kids. We don’t really need “date nights” the way lots of couples seem to need to spend time away from their kids. We do have date nights because there are some things we like to do that it is not appropriate to take small children to, but those are rare and we spend most of our time together as a family.

I don’t know that I can say I love him “unconditionally”, but thus far, no conditions have arisen that come even close to being a threat to my love. It’d have to be something big and he’s not a drinker, a beater, an abuser, a cheater, a gambler, a closeted homosexual, a sneak, a criminal, or anything like that. The biggest challenge we’ve had to our relationship is probably his phone. I hate that flippin thing! He’s always pulling it out and slipping off into his own world and he gets cranky when I remind him that life is still going on. Also, dealing with his mother has caused some strife, but not too much.

Having children has cut in on our sex life, but overall, its been more positive than negative for our relationship. Sometimes we argue about issues regarding the kids, but we both love them very much and are mostly on the same page.

I’m not sure I could answer if I love him or my children more. They are two very different kinds of love, especially since one of my children is still at the stage where she needs my constant attention for mere survival. My husband doesn’t require as much heroic love right now as my kids do, but I am prepared to provide it should it be needed. Right now, we’re just getting through the struggles of daily life together and having a good time doing it.

 

[PetraG]

So, in light of another recent thread on the joys and perils of marriage, I’m sincerely interested in people’s experiences with their spouse. Such as:

Is your spouse your “best friend”? I don’t actually rank my friends. I do think it is a big mistake to put your spouse on the spot to fulfill all your emotional needs. You’re far better off encouraging your spouse to have strong (that is, tended-to by spending time together) relationships with their siblings and their own friends. There are things those people can give your spouse that you can’t always give. So while he is the best friend I have–he is the most supportive, most trustworthy with confidences, best able to give me insightful feedback, most fun to be around for the longest time, etc–I don’t put him on the spot to be the best at everything I need from a friend.

Would you say you love your spouse unconditionally? I’d say I try to accept my spouse the way he is without making him a fixer-upper. I don’t expect him to measure up to someone else or conform to what I want him to do. I am not as perfect as God when it comes to loving the saint someone will be in eternity in the person standing in front of me right now.

If you’ve been married for a while, how has your love for your spouse changed over the years? Things are naturally not as exciting as when I didn’t know him as well, but I appreciate him more as the years go by. I don’t know why he hasn’t bitten his tongue all the way through by now!

What’s the biggest challenge you’ve faced in your marriage? I’d say the times when both of us had a lot of demands placed on us. It made it hard to stay connected, to not “divide and conquer” and leave too little time for the two of us.

If you have children, how have they impacted your marriage? Compared to if we had not been able to have children? Well, I would have been very sad to not to have been able to have children. They are wonderful people. I think the children reminded us not to put things off, too. They are only in childhood for such a short time. You learn to value today more. (They have also grown to be people who have some very good insights into their parents that their parents don’t necessarily see!!)

Do you love your spouse or children more? It isn’t a competition. Actually, I think my spouse and I love each other more because we love how much the other loves our children and because of how our children love and appreciate each of us. There is a multiplying effect. I couldn’t imagine having to choose between them.

 

[Allegra]

I haven’t seen the view “Spouse first no matter what” expressed on the forum hardly at all. I think that’s an oversimplification. Young children are helpless and parents have the responsibility to put their well-being first. In a perfect world, there would be no situations where it was necessary to pull the “parent card” on a spouse. Both spouses should always be on board with doing what is best for their children. However, the world isn’t perfect, and sometimes parents do have to choose the wellbeing of their children over the wishes of their spouse. Ultimately, this is in the best interest of the spouse as well, because whether they realize at the time or not, it is their best interest to not be allowed to continue harming their children. What couple do need to realize is that neglecting your spouse and your marriage is an injustice to your children as well. They need to have a secure, safe home and they need to see the example of how one gets along with their spouse. Also, children grown up. They are only dependent for so long. The good Lord willing, your marriage will outlast their childhood. That’s probably what people are trying to express when they say something along the lines of “your marriage is your first responsibility”. I don’t think many people are arguing that good Catholics ignore their dependent children’s needs in favor of putting their spouse first.

 

[LightFury]

I care for my husband and wish the best for him, and I work to maintain a healthy relationship with him, but I cannot say I love him, as he has been willing to give up on me less than a year into our marriage and permanently broke my trust. He may have also had emotional or/and physical affairs with other women. Ever since that moment in 2017 I have felt completely insecure in my marriage and am prepared at any moment to be abandoned. I do my best to keep these fears from the forefront of my mind and not let them change my responses or actions. I do not believe he loves me, he is only with me out of obligation (especially now that we have a child together) and while he may want what’s best for me, I don’t think he’d be willing to stick around if I made too many waves. That’s why I rarely confront him about important issues and let him do almost whatever he wants. So I wouldn’t consider him my best friend, more like a roommate.

 

[Brendan_64]

Is your spouse your “best friend”?

Yes.

Would you say you love your spouse unconditionally?

Yes.

If you’ve been married for a while, how has your love for your spouse changed over the years?

It has become stronger and richer, but less hectic and intense.

I think marriage gets better when you realise that it is not about you, how you feel, or what is best for you. I’ve been married for just over 28 years.

 

[CelticWarlord]

I’ll have been married 39 years this October. I can think of no one I’ve ever met that I could have stayed with this long or who would have wanted me to hang around this long. Yes she is my closest friend but we aren’t syrupy over it. The biggest challenge I have faced is having children. I didn’t want any, my wife wanted 12. We compromised with 3 but I did not take to parenting easily and was often angry and needing to get away. I have little interest in our grandchildren.

My wife and I agree that, while our marriage has been very good in most ways it is not something either of us want to experience again. Unless we both die on the same day, one of us is ultimately going to wind up single at some point and we both agree that to begin dating again is not anything either of us have any interest in.

 

[CelticWarlord]

I wouldn’t consider him my best friend, more like a roommate.

Prayers for you, my dear friend. I recently read the biographies of six Victorian era couples, all famous, all wealthy, and all could be described exactly as the sentence from your post above. Marriage in “the old days” was not inherently better than it is now. Divorce was not common or easy to obtain, but the frequency and misery of marital dis-harmony and distrust was exactly the same then as now.

 

[TheLittleLady]

Is your spouse your “best friend”?

Yes, but not my only best friend. I have a lifelong best girlfriend, other best friends.

Would you say you love your spouse unconditionally?

Yes

If you’ve been married for a while, how has your love for your spouse changed over the years?

It expands and grows deeper, it has been tested with fire.

What’s the biggest challenge you’ve faced in your marriage?

In younger years it was disparity of faith, now it is health issues

If you have children, how have they impacted your marriage?

Yes. There were rough times when our child was what kept us together, and what better reason could there be?

Do you love your spouse or children more?

Love is not more or less. Love is not finite, where if this person gets X amount there is less to go to the other person.

Love expands and grows, love overflows so there is an abundance for all.

 

[Allegra]

My spouse is a poster too, so nothing I said is anything I wouldn’t say to him. Actually, everyone who knows us knows it.

 

[Psalm30]

This seems to be the prevalent view on CAF. Spouse first no matter what.

I remember having a similar discussion with you about this on another thread quite a while ago. I think it’s really important for you to understand that putting a spouse first absolutely, positively does NOT mean that one must defend or support a spouse who is causing harm to their children or is otherwise exhibiting harmful or abusive behavior.

I work hard for my wife and at our relationship, but I love my son more, and if push comes to shove, I will put him first. We came very close to separating this year…it was ensuring his welfare first and foremost that was on my mind

If she was doing something harmful to you or your son, then you did the right thing.

I feel the marriages described here on CAF are some sort of fantasy fairytale. Poster after poster talks about how their spouse is their little taste of heaven…

I don’t see any responses on this thread that describe marriage as a fantasy fairytale. Most people’s comments mentioned hardships along with the happiness their spouse brings to them. You can see your spouse as a little taste of heaven while still acknowledging that marriage has its difficulties.

 

[adamhovey1988]

When I find a woman that can tolerate me for more than five minutes, I’ll let you know.

 

[AdamP88]

Is your spouse your “best friend”?

Yes

Would you say you love your spouse unconditionally?

Yes

If you’ve been married for a while, how has your love for your spouse changed over the years?

It’'s gone from being very “pasion-centred” to more like a slow but constant burn with the passion always there in the background and it comes out every now and then when we need to express that.

What’s the biggest challenge you’ve faced in your marriage?

At the moment we are tryinig to concieve and it’s sometimes difficult to think that we may not be able to have our own kids. But it hasn’t negatively affected our relationship.

 

[Emeraldlady]

I care for my husband and wish the best for him, and I work to maintain a healthy relationship with him, but I cannot say I love him, as he has been willing to give up on me less than a year into our marriage and permanently broke my trust. He may have also had emotional or/and physical affairs with other women. Ever since that moment in 2017 I have felt completely insecure in my marriage and am prepared at any moment to be abandoned. I do my best to keep these fears from the forefront of my mind and not let them change my responses or actions. I do not believe he loves me, he is only with me out of obligation (especially now that we have a child together) and while he may want what’s best for me, I don’t think he’d be willing to stick around if I made too many waves. That’s why I rarely confront him about important issues and let him do almost whatever he wants. So I wouldn’t consider him my best friend, more like a roommate.

LightFury, are you able to access counselling, even for yourself first? I know that some women are able to look the other way as far as their spouse having affairs, but it sounds like a really toxic situation for you. If you can get out your fears and bitterness to a counsellor it also opens up the situation to healing and cleansing whatever that may encompass. God bles.

 

[DeSales111]

For us marriage has been an evolution, from a secular relationship to becoming a covenant with God. We have always been best friends in that we never stop cutting up with one another and we do everything together. Then there is a much deeper love, a higher level than just being best friends, one that unites us in times of pain and loss. We are inseparable.

So how do I feel about my wife. I have not found the right words that describe how much I love her, it’s not just a “feeling” but a reality that exists. This year makes 20 years, and my love for her is still growing. I wonder every year how can I love her anymore than I do, then God shows me and my love for her matures even more. It is like we bond, then we bond even more. And recently we conceived a child, would have been our first together, but our daughter passed away before we even got to hold her. Through our faith in that tragedy we bonded even more.

I see our marriage in the shape of a triangle, us on the bottom corners with God at the top, the peak and pinnacle. As the years go by our lines come closer together as we come closer to God. We are always connected to God, but we grow in our love and faith together.

Thank you for this thread, and giving us the opportunity to express our love for our spouses.

 

[goout]

Since I don’t know anyone here I can talk about this openly

Physical intimacy is waning due to discomfort. We are about 60 yrs old. That is a huge cross for me because I know in my head that intimacy is forever changed and I need to change also. But my “heart” says we are still sleeping in the same bed and with the same bodies.

So I have to appreciate the finer things of marriage now and discipline the body. I have been drawn to ponder the Holy Family in the middle of this and probably for good reason. How did Joseph and Mary live together in that way? Something to think about.

Appreciate your marriage and make time for it at whatever state you are in, because life throws changes at you quickly.