How do you "admonish a sinner" without sounding judgmental?

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sydney28

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A friend of mine is “Catholic”, but she is not in a sacramental marriage (they were married in a civil ceremony) and she told me that she is on “the pill” to prevent from getting pregnant right now. She and her husband go to mass and both receive communion each week. How do I let her know that she shouldn’t be taking communion without coming across as “holier than thou” or ruining our friendship? Or do I even bring it up?
 
I would wait to bring it up until you feel in a safe situation. The best way is to have a give and take compassionate discussion with her. Relate any statements to mutual experiences at the core of your friendship. You can use real world non-church reasons to support your points which would get across easier. If the approach is hard and rigid your friendship will be damaged and you will have no effect whatsoever.
 
A tough question, one we all wrestle with.

My first attempt would go like this:

Perhaps you could find an issue on which you and your friend are both in agreement which is also the teaching of the Church. That way you are starting on a positive note. Then go into something you did, or did not do, in your past, which opposed the Church, and in that situation you should not have received communion and how you learned about your mistake later, or “came around” to accepting your decision was contrary to the Church.
Your friend already knows she is going against the Church by using the pill, and in my case, I can find many instances when I was the sinner. Using my own story would be a way of showing my friend that I do not think I am better than she is.

Then end on a positive note. Maybe remind your friend about a funny incident you shared when you were younger, something religious in nature.

If your friend ever wants to talk very directly about this, be honest but humble. Again, as you have already made clear, you don’t want to be judgemental. Then, leave it be-not just to preserve the friendship, but so you can be there for her as a silent example of both following the teachings of the Church, and an example of “love the sinner, hate the sin”.
 
Ask questions instead of leveling accusations. She may not even be aware of the conflict of her actions with the teachings of her faith~as hard as that may be to believe~so few young adults know and understand the Catechism.
 
Rebuking serious sin is in fact judgemental, but we are called to do it. We must confront sin wherever and whenever we find it. Yes, it is judging-but it is biblical judging. Roanoker
 
I don’t think it’s my province whatsoever to say a word. I assume other Catholics know what is allowed and what isn’t. If they don’t that is a priests or religious’s responsibility. You have no idea what may be going on. It’s a surefire way to lose a friendship. If you feel she really may not know, then if the right conversation comes up, you might mention it, and go further is she so invites it. If she knows already, then it is simply none of your business. i do not agree with the concept the laity is the policeman of the parish there to alert Father to everything they think they uncover about other’s “faithfulness.”
 
SpiritMeadow said:
I don’t think it’s my province whatsoever to say a word. I assume other Catholics know what is allowed and what isn’t. If they don’t that is a priests or religious’s responsibility. You have no idea what may be going on. It’s a surefire way to lose a friendship. If you feel she really may not know, then if the right conversation comes up, you might mention it, and go further is she so invites it. If she knows already, then it is simply none of your business. i do not agree with the concept the laity is the policeman of the parish there to alert Father to everything they think they uncover about other’s “faithfulness.”
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Yes but how do we fit this in with our duty to perform the spritual works of mercy?

Including…

#To give counsel to the doubtful.
#To instruct the ignorant.
#To admonish the sinner.
#To pray for the living and the dead.

It really does seem to be “our business” in light of these…not as policeman but as fellow catholic. I struggle in this area also - not wanting to see my friends and family dance merrily off to hell, yet not wanting to alienate them either. The clearest and easiest step is to pray. Without a doubt it is also the most effective. 🙂
 
Island_Oak said:
Ask questions instead of leveling accusations. She may not even be aware of the conflict of her actions with the teachings of her faith~as hard as that may be to believe~so few young adults know and understand the Catechism.
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That is how I would do it. If she brings up birth control in a casual conversation, just ask “Did you know that birth control is abortifacient?” or “Did you know that the Church condemns birth control?” This way you are not directly condemning her but you are letting her know in a less offensive manner that it is a sin.
 
Thanks to everyone’s replies so far…I feel confident that I am supposed to say something to her, and now I have some practical advice on how to do that 🙂
 
sydney:

B.T.D.T

Doesn’t work believe me. Fraternal correction is not in vogue.
I do so usually in my own family and I catch a lot of flak just the same.

Probably all symptomatic of the falling out of the people from the Church. At one time it was very common and no one would be criticized for doing so.

Andy
 
aboverubies said:
Yes but how do we fit this in with our duty to perform the spritual works of mercy?

Including…

#To give counsel to the doubtful.
#To instruct the ignorant.
#To admonish the sinner.
#To pray for the living and the dead.

It really does seem to be “our business” in light of these…not as policeman but as fellow catholic. I struggle in this area also - not wanting to see my friends and family dance merrily off to hell, yet not wanting to alienate them either. The clearest and easiest step is to pray. Without a doubt it is also the most effective. 🙂
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I guess I see that as a community of believers duty. And we are not all called to do the same things. Some things are simply better left to experts. As Paul reminded us, not all of us are called to celibacy, We each have different gifts. I can tell you that the “admonish the sinner” is something never stressed to laity as their responsibility, not in any parish I have attended. And from my experience with priests, I have heard repeatedly that the most difficult part of their job is often dealing with the so-called “Catholic Police” who think it is their duty to do the priest’s job. It was in fact always taught me, that that is what Jehovah’s witnesses do, going around telling people they are sinful.

I’m sure some take this admonition seriously and believe it is their responsibility. But in practice, I often suspect rather highly that the person is simply using this doctrine as a means to do what they wish to do anyway, which is complain about someone else’s behavior. It can be used to express bigoted feelings, and that is why priests that I have talked to prefer to do this themselves as they are trained to do, without help from parishoners who often cause deep and abiding rifts within the community.
 
SpiritMeadow said:
I guess I see that as a community of believers duty. And we are not all called to do the same things. Some things are simply better left to experts. As Paul reminded us, not all of us are called to celibacy, We each have different gifts. I can tell you that the “admonish the sinner” is something never stressed to laity as their responsibility, not in any parish I have attended. And from my experience with priests, I have heard repeatedly that the most difficult part of their job is often dealing with the so-called “Catholic Police” who think it is their duty to do the priest’s job. It was in fact always taught me, that that is what Jehovah’s witnesses do, going around telling people they are sinful.

I’m sure some take this admonition seriously and believe it is their responsibility. But in practice, I often suspect rather highly that the person is simply using this doctrine as a means to do what they wish to do anyway, which is complain about someone else’s behavior. It can be used to express bigoted feelings, and that is why priests that I have talked to prefer to do this themselves as they are trained to do, without help from parishoners who often cause deep and abiding rifts within the community.
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This isn’t a gift of the spirit - the Church teaches that this is a duty to which we are all called, like it or not, just as surely as we are all called to feed the hungry, clothe the naked etc whether we like doing these things or not. If we can’t do them ourselves we donate money to organisations that do.

The analogous thing to do in this case would be to ask a priest to speak to whoever you know is ignorant or sinning. And no, we can’t rely on priests to telepathically intuit which ones of their hundreds and thousands of parishioners need such instruction, they don’t know all of them well enough.

So the question is have you ever asked a priest or someone who is ‘expert’ to do just that, counsel someone who is ignorant or admonish someone who is sinning? If you’ve abrogated the responsibility yourself, and you won’t let anyone else know there’s a need, then you’re failing in this duty.

In any event the Church doesn’t ask us to admonish sinners simply because it wants us to complain - it wants us to TEACH, as Jesus Himself and St Paul did in the course of delivering some serious criticism of those who were offending God by their behaviour.

That being said, I wouldn’t do it without a heck of a lot of prayer to the Holy Spirit to help me find the right words and attitude, and to prepare the heart and mind of whoever I wanted to speak to.
 
LilyM said:
This isn’t a gift of the spirit - the Church teaches that this is a duty to which we are all called, like it or not, just as surely as we are all called to feed the hungry, clothe the naked etc whether we like doing these things or not. If we can’t do them ourselves we donate money to organisations that do.

The analogous thing to do in this case would be to ask a priest to speak to whoever you know is ignorant or sinning. And no, we can’t rely on priests to telepathically intuit which ones of their hundreds and thousands of parishioners need such instruction, they don’t know all of them well enough.

So the question is have you ever asked a priest or someone who is ‘expert’ to do just that, counsel someone who is ignorant or admonish someone who is sinning? If you’ve abrogated the responsibility yourself, and you won’t let anyone else know there’s a need, then you’re failing in this duty.

In any event the Church doesn’t ask us to admonish sinners simply because it wants us to complain - it wants us to TEACH, as Jesus Himself and St Paul did in the course of delivering some serious criticism of those who were offending God by their behaviour.

That being said, I wouldn’t do it without a heck of a lot of prayer to the Holy Spirit to help me find the right words and attitude, and to prepare the heart and mind of whoever I wanted to speak to.
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Yep I hear ya. But I’ve spent too many years in Catholic churches to know that this form of admonishment is not taught from the pulpit. I recall a sister friend of mine saying one of the things she was most proud of in being Catholic is that we attempted to live a Christian life rather than tell others how they should live. That has been my EXCLUSIVE experience in every parish I have attended over the years.

Moreover, Paul’s statements are clear in that they delienate that we are all not similarly gifted in the ability to correctly discern or preach. People are trained for this sort of thing. Those without training who step into the breach and try to act as Christian police often drive away people and they certainly cause great dissention within a parish. Most everyone has witnessed this. So i question whether efforts to admonish don’t do more harm than good.

And lest we forget the MOST important person of all. Jesus on at least two occasions warned of over zealous admonishment. Cast the first stone when YOU are free of sin, and remove the PLANK from your own eye before attempting to remove the splinter from your brother. I think he may trump any other dogma wouldn’t you?
 
Just tell them to come to CAF Moral Theo…they will be admonished!

😃

I am a believer that you admonish those you are very close to, like your children…not other friends and associates…

We are all on a spiritual journey…we are all not in the same place in that journey…some are at the beginning, and some are ideal Catholics…

Best bet is to pray that they learn the truth.

I tried that admonish the sinner thing with my own wife, who was on birth control. I nearly lost my marriage. I should have just prayed for her instead. I would NOT reccomend this.
 
SpiritMeadow said:
I don’t think it’s my province whatsoever to say a word. I assume other Catholics know what is allowed and what isn’t. If they don’t that is a priests or religious’s responsibility. You have no idea what may be going on. It’s a surefire way to lose a friendship. If you feel she really may not know, then if the right conversation comes up, you might mention it, and go further is she so invites it. If she knows already, then it is simply none of your business. i do not agree with the concept the laity is the policeman of the parish there to alert Father to everything they think they uncover about other’s “faithfulness.”
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I think most people don’t understand. They may “know” it’s not approved, but not know why and therefore don’t think they are bound by it. It’s not just that Catholics shouldn’t. No one should. Whether they want to believe it or not.

If what I hear is correct, your friend is part of 95% of US Catholics that practice ABC. So it should not be suprising that they would feel this way. That might even be a good way to bring this up. I’d get a copy of The Good News About Sex and Marriage and talk it up. The book turned many (including me) around on this subject!

You also might want to “drop” some stats… like: Those practicing ABC have a 20x higher divorce rate than those using NFP? Why? And then there is the “Contraception: Why Not” reference I’m sure you’ve seen.
 
I wish you could listen to Father Corapi talk on this topic.

If my only choice is to lose a friend vs keep them from being eternally damned, I think I know what I’d need to do…then pray away like St. Monica did.

Then I think I’d have to go to confession because I’m very prone to the sin of rash judgment and I can’t trust myself when I get even the slightest bit smug and feeling superior…
 
12Mary12 said:
A tough question, one we all wrestle with.

My first attempt would go like this:

Perhaps you could find an issue on which you and your friend are both in agreement which is also the teaching of the Church. That way you are starting on a positive note. Then go into something you did, or did not do, in your past, which opposed the Church, and in that situation you should not have received communion and how you learned about your mistake later, or “came around” to accepting your decision was contrary to the Church.
Your friend already knows she is going against the Church by using the pill, and in my case, I can find many instances when I was the sinner. Using my own story would be a way of showing my friend that I do not think I am better than she is.

Then end on a positive note. Maybe remind your friend about a funny incident you shared when you were younger, something religious in nature.

If your friend ever wants to talk very directly about this, be honest but humble. Again, as you have already made clear, you don’t want to be judgemental. Then, leave it be-not just to preserve the friendship, but so you can be there for her as a silent example of both following the teachings of the Church, and an example of “love the sinner, hate the sin”.
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I agree with this. I have used it with my good friend who is using abc but I also told her about my past sins with abc. I told her why I felt so sorry now and I explained why the church teaches it is wrong. She still wants to be friends and I have not brought is up again. I just hope and pray for her. I know that it is weighing on her conscience because she has mentioned it to me again.
 
I have to say I agree with this post this I was at church on Sunday and as i was leaving I noticed pinned to the walls at rear the catechist reforms and appalled that we the Laity should be asked to admonish sinners…
Who am I even if forgiven “after all I have done and failed to do” to admonish anyone else.Is Doctrine requiring of us how we should admonish sinners…If I justify or rationalize in the confessional I am not telling the truth I am a hypocrite,and before God .I must attempt to be honest.

What am I to have people who are strangers albeit Christians facing life in our shared fallibly admonished by me…I am not a King,or a Pope,or even a priest with a multitude of fellows at their sides. On my best day, and only with Gods Grace I am the Publican. and I share my relative worth as a christian with my fellow liars who wish to keep their hollow jobs and still not compromise their souls so totally.they can not find them to confess.Very few of us repent in leisure.
SpiritMeadow said:
Yep I hear ya. But I’ve spent too many years in Catholic churches to know that this form of admonishment is not taught from the pulpit. I recall a sister friend of mine saying one of the things she was most proud of in being Catholic is that we attempted to live a Christian life rather than tell others how they should live. That has been my EXCLUSIVE experience in every parish I have attended over the years.

Moreover, Paul’s statements are clear in that they delienate that we are all not similarly gifted in the ability to correctly discern or preach. People are trained for this sort of thing. Those without training who step into the breach and try to act as Christian police often drive away people and they certainly cause great dissention within a parish. Most everyone has witnessed this. So i question whether efforts to admonish don’t do more harm than good.

And lest we forget the MOST important person of all. Jesus on at least two occasions warned of over zealous admonishment. Cast the first stone when YOU are free of sin, and remove the PLANK from your own eye before attempting to remove the splinter from your brother. I think he may trump any other dogma wouldn’t you?
Click to expand...
 
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