How do you ask?

[Luckyclovette]

How do you ask a priest to marry you?

I am going to call. A friend of my late brother, who I knew all my life growing up, is a priest. But I haven’t even spoken to him since my brother’s funeral (which he did the funeral mass for) in 2013.

He is not a priest at the church I attend, so I would be asking him to do the wedding at the church I attend (not where he currently serves).

I don’t know what words to say to ask???

I am very nervous. Am I asking too much of someone who I haven’t spoken to much recently??

 

[Convert_in_99]

How do you ask a priest to marry you?

I am going to call. A friend of my late brother, who I knew all my life growing up, is a priest. But I haven’t even spoken to him since my brother’s funeral (which he did the funeral mass for) in 2013.

He is not a priest at the church I attend, so I would be asking him to do the wedding at the church I attend (not where he currently serves).

I don’t know what words to say to ask???

I am very nervous. Am I asking too much of someone who I haven’t spoken to much recently??

I misread your post the first time. I was like “how do you ask a priest to marry you?!?!?”

It’s no trouble at all. Even if you haven’t been attending mass regularly there, they have been through this with so many other couples like you already. Just set up an appointment with the priest and ask. They will start the rest of the process for you. Do be aware that you will be asked to attend some marriage prep classes, an NFP class and maybe a weekend retreat. This is standard for all couples who marry in the Church.

God bless you! And CONGRATS on your upcoming marriage! :extrahappy:

 

[Lorelei12]

Does the priest use email regularly? That’s how I did it- we asked a priest that was from the parish I grew up in, even though I had moved away. I just emailed, explained that I’d like to be married there and why, and asked if he would mind. He said sure, and then we met with him. I think in your case, you have a compelling reason and he would probably be honored. If you are nervous and have his email address, that might make it easier.

 

[St_Francis]

How do you ask a priest to marry you?

I am going to call. A friend of my late brother, who I knew all my life growing up, is a priest. But I haven’t even spoken to him since my brother’s funeral (which he did the funeral mass for) in 2013.

He is not a priest at the church I attend, so I would be asking him to do the wedding at the church I attend (not where he currently serves).

I don’t know what words to say to ask???

I am very nervous. Am I asking too much of someone who I haven’t spoken to much recently??

Hello, Fr X, I am planning to get married, and would be so happy and honored if you would be able to perform the Nuptial Mass…

 

[John_Lazarus]

I misread your post the first time. I was like “how do you ask a priest to marry you?!?!?”

Seriously! I was thinking the same thing.

I was thinking, how long have you been dating? Does the bishop give him away? Can he wear white, or is that only the Pope?

 

[brad90956]

I misread your post the first time. I was like “how do you ask a priest to marry you?!?!?”

I was thinking the exact same thing…LOL

 

[EasterJoy]

In our diocese, the pastor of the church in which you want to marry has to give permission to ask a priest from outside the parish to marry you there. Have the courtesy of asking your pastor if he would mind if you asked a priest who is a personal friend of yours perform the ceremony at your church. If the priest you want does not have faculties in the diocese, permission from the bishop is also needed.

Ask your pastor whether he will give an OK for this. If he says yes (and he probably will, with the caveat that the bishop must OK anyone outside the diocese), then you just ask your friend if he is willing to perform your ceremony for you, if his schedule permits.(That is, let him know that you understand he may have to go back on his first answer if there is a schedule conflict.) Let him know that you have asked your pastor, and he was fine with having you extend the invitation.

If he says he is willing, give him the phone number for your pastor.

Your diocese may have different rules, but your pastor will know all of that.

 

[Luckyclovette]

Hello, Fr X, I am planning to get married, and would be so happy and honored if you would be able to perform the Nuptial Mass…

Good, that sounds easy!

I just worry about etiquette. I have literally known him my entire life. When I call and talk to him I am sure he will tell me what to do (e.g., contact my parish). When my brother passed, my dad asked him to do the funeral mass and he (our priest friend) took care of all the arrangements with our parish.

I guess I am worried that he might think this is a big favor? Am I asking a reasonable request? Yes, I am a worry wart! I rehearse several times how I will say one thing. I know, silly.

 

[EasterJoy]

Good, that sounds easy!

I just worry about etiquette. I have literally known him my entire life. When I call and talk to him I am sure he will tell me what to do (e.g., contact my parish). When my brother passed, my dad asked him to do the funeral mass and he (our priest friend) took care of all the arrangements with our parish.

I guess I am worried that he might think this is a big favor? Am I asking a reasonable request? Yes, I am a worry wart! I rehearse several times how I will say one thing. I know, silly.

Well, you’re asking him for a good chunk of his time, so it is something of a favor. Still, it is an honor, too, the priestly counterpart to being asked to be a best man. It involves more time and effort than you’re asking of the other guests, but more of a place of honor, too. Since he has known your family for so long, I would assume he’ll consider it an honor to be asked, even if he has to turn you down for some reason. (Do let him know that you realize he may not be able to do your wedding, even if he would like to. That does happen.)

(Keep in mind, BTW, that if you are at all close to your pastor you are kind of passing him over. Explain to your pastor in way of apology why you wanted this priest instead of him. “He was friends with my parents before I was born and I have known him all my life” is a very good reason.)

Ask your pastor what kind of honorarium is customary for the priest doing a wedding in your diocese, too. (A monetary gift is customarily offered as a “thank you.”)

If at all possible, ask him for dates before you set your date. If you had to already set your date, apologize and let him know that setting it before you talked to him could not be avoided.

 

[seagal]

In our diocese, the pastor of the church in which you want to marry has to give permission to ask a priest from outside the parish to marry you there. Have the courtesy of asking your pastor if he would mind if you asked a priest who is a personal friend of yours perform the ceremony at your church. If the priest you want does not have faculties in the diocese, permission from the bishop is also needed.

This ^ ^
before anything else.

 

[pianistclare]

Good, that sounds easy!

I just worry about etiquette. I have literally known him my entire life. When I call and talk to him I am sure he will tell me what to do (e.g., contact my parish). When my brother passed, my dad asked him to do the funeral mass and he (our priest friend) took care of all the arrangements with our parish.

I guess I am worried that he might think this is a big favor? Am I asking a reasonable request? Yes, I am a worry wart! I rehearse several times how I will say one thing. I know, silly.

Clear it with your current pastor first to avoid hard feelings.
My previous Pastor, (whom I worked for) didn’t particularly like the date I picked, so I asked one of my priest professors to marry us.
The Pastor had declined, so he couldn’t get too upset. (He showed up anyway).
Concelebrated, But I DID give him first option, of course. He declined, saying he was too busy.

 

[Luckyclovette]

Stupid question, faculties???

I attend church regularly but my priest at my parish doesn’t know me from a hole in the wall. The church is huge!

I will speak to my late brother’s friend and he will tell me what I need to do. He wouldn’t want me stepping on any toes and has done this for our family before (regarding the last funeral).

My dad already called his parents (as the whole family is friends with ours). So his parents know that I am going to call.

I am just very nervous!!!

 

[pianistclare]

Stupid question, faculties???

I attend church regularly but my priest at my parish doesn’t know me from a hole in the wall. The church is huge!

I will speak to my late brother’s friend and he will tell me what I need to do. He wouldn’t want me stepping on any toes and has done this for our family before (regarding the last funeral).

My dad already called his parents (as the whole family is friends with ours). So his parents know that I am going to call.

I am just very nervous!!!

They will look you up in the parish records.
Are you registered there? Tithe there? There are other ways that they “know” you.
But your pastor should be your first option.

Don’t be nervous. Honest questions, frank answers. It’s their job to work with you. You can ask you priest friend to call on your behalf.

 

[Nelka]

I misread your post the first time. I was like “how do you ask a priest to marry you?!?!?”

Me too.

 

[pianistclare]

We always used to laugh when our past pastor used to say “I married my mother”.

People freaked out every. single. time.

 

[Luckyclovette]

They will look you up in the parish records.
Are you registered there? Tithe there? There are other ways that they “know” you.
But your pastor should be your first option

Yes, I am a registered parishioner.

I feel that our priest friend could be hurt by me not asking him. Their family is so close to our family for over 35 years. But, maybe not. Maybe it is just business to priests? I don’t know the feelings on all this.

 

[LilyM]

Stupid question, faculties???

I attend church regularly but my priest at my parish doesn’t know me from a hole in the wall. The church is huge!

I will speak to my late brother’s friend and he will tell me what I need to do. He wouldn’t want me stepping on any toes and has done this for our family before (regarding the last funeral).

My dad already called his parents (as the whole family is friends with ours). So his parents know that I am going to call.

I am just very nervous!!!

“Faculties” means authority to celebrate the sacraments. Priests are usually attached to a particular diocese, and so are normally only to celebrate sacraments such as weddings within that diocese. To do so outside their own diocese, they usually need permission from the other diocese.

It really is important to talk firstly to your local priest. He, after all, will have to organise things like the pre-Cana classes, set a date, make sure the church is not already booked out and so on.

Otherwise it’s like inviting someone over to your parents home without first of all making sure your parents are OK with that person being in their home - a lot of people would see not asking uour parents first as being rude.

 

[Luckyclovette]

“Faculties” means authority to celebrate the sacraments. Priests are usually attached to a particular diocese, and so are normally only to celebrate sacraments such as weddings within that diocese. To do so outside their own diocese, they usually need permission from the other diocese.

It really is important to talk firstly to your local priest. He, after all, will have to organise things like the pre-Cana classes, set a date, make sure the church is not already booked out and so on.

Otherwise it’s like inviting someone over to your parents home without first of all making sure your parents are OK with that person being in their home - a lot of people would see not asking uour parents first as being rude.

My church and the Father’s church are both in the Archdiocese of NY.

What you say about this invite thing makes sense.

 

[UbiCaritas]

Others have made some very good points. One thing to consider, though: he may genuinely be too busy to travel to another church to celebrate a Mass, and if that’s the case, it’s nothing personal. He’d probably LOVE to do it, and must be very honored to be asked, but with the priest shortage as it is he might not be able to swing it.

Our current pastor is singlehandedly dealing with a parish of well over 3,000 families at the moment, and has been for some time. (He has an associate pastor now, but the guy was over here for two months before his mother started dying and he had to leave the US to be at her side.) 5 Masses on a Sunday (other priests come in to say two of them for him). Teaches at the seminary. Is the only priest, even when the associate is here, at the parish who can speak Spanish–and we have a HUGE Hispanic population, including many recent immigrants who don’t speak English. (Even those in the Hispanic population who can generally speak and understand English would probably have a very hard time with our associate pastor’s accent.)

I can easily, EASILY see him being asked to celebrate a wedding and having to decline because doing so would mean that there would be no one to hear Confessions at his parish that Saturday, or celebrate Mass that evening.

Sad.

 

[Convert1]

Stupid question, faculties???

I attend church regularly but my priest at my parish doesn’t know me from a hole in the wall. The church is huge!

I will speak to my late brother’s friend and he will tell me what I need to do. He wouldn’t want me stepping on any toes and has done this for our family before (regarding the last funeral).

My dad already called his parents (as the whole family is friends with ours). So his parents know that I am going to call.

I am just very nervous!!!

First, I am so terribly sorry for the loss of your brother. God rest his soul. I agree that (even if you think he doesn’t know you) clearing this with your current parish priest needs to be done. I don’t think there is usually a problem as long as dates aren’t conflicting. Based on the history you mentioned, I’m sure the priest you are asking anticipates the question, so that may make things easier.
Just an open and honest approach is always best. God will guide you, always remember that.