How do you compromise, when there is no compromise?

[CountryMom27]

Quick background - married 13 years, two kids 5 & 7, husband has a terrible demeaning job but it pays the bills and he is finally looking elsewhere. I work part-time and am looking for full-time work and contracting work to fill in in the meantime as money is very tight.

First child, normal pregnancy, complications at birth, but all went well. Second child, difficult pregnancy (preeclampsia, kidney stone, other issues) with extended bed rest, smooth birth, postpartum depression (mild) that was treated and resolved within 3 months. I’ve gone to see all of my doctors, and in spite of the fact that I’m 40 (he’s 50), they concur it is safe for me to have a child, and the risk of PPD would be managed by starting antidepressants right after birth.

I would like another child - I have an immensely strong feeling/urge about this. Husband does not want another and feels equally as strong. We tried marital counseling. We’ve tried to discuss this but we always end up arguing (this is the only thing we argue about) and I’m in tears. So I’ve let it be. He knows how I feel, I know how he feels, and I’ve talked to a priest about it several times - he advised me to accept my husband’s decision. Husband uses contraception - I refuse to - thus it is his sin, not mine according to the priest (and another priest I saw for reconciliation).

So - whew! - what do you do when two people in a marriage are so not on the same page? I yearn for another child while I adore my children and am grateful for them. Accepting that I will never have another child I just find unbearable. I have prayed and prayed for us, for our marriage, for husband’s job… to no avail. He says he is scared of the risks - yet I had my doctor write-up a whole thing for him, he never even looked at it. I offered to meet with him with my psychiatrist who treated me for PPD, no interest.

This whole thing - the separation from him, his sin about BC, our disagreeing, not accepting the potential of life, not having another child - grows on me daily and saddens me deeply. Yet I try not to bring it up at all because of the sensitivity.

How do you compromise then when there is no compromise?

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

Quick background - married 13 years, two kids 5 & 7, husband has a terrible demeaning job but it pays the bills and he is finally looking elsewhere. I work part-time and am looking for full-time work and contracting work to fill in in the meantime as money is very tight.

First child, normal pregnancy, complications at birth, but all went well. Second child, difficult pregnancy (preeclampsia, kidney stone, other issues) with extended bed rest, smooth birth, postpartum depression (mild) that was treated and resolved within 3 months. I’ve gone to see all of my doctors, and in spite of the fact that I’m 40 (he’s 50), they concur it is safe for me to have a child, and the risk of PPD would be managed by starting antidepressants right after birth.

I would like another child - I have an immensely strong feeling/urge about this. Husband does not want another and feels equally as strong. We tried marital counseling. We’ve tried to discuss this but we always end up arguing (this is the only thing we argue about) and I’m in tears. So I’ve let it be. He knows how I feel, I know how he feels, and I’ve talked to a priest about it several times - he advised me to accept my husband’s decision. Husband uses contraception - I refuse to - thus it is his sin, not mine according to the priest (and another priest I saw for reconciliation).

So - whew! - what do you do when two people in a marriage are so not on the same page? I yearn for another child while I adore my children and am grateful for them. Accepting that I will never have another child I just find unbearable. I have prayed and prayed for us, for our marriage, for husband’s job… to no avail. He says he is scared of the risks - yet I had my doctor write-up a whole thing for him, he never even looked at it. I offered to meet with him with my psychiatrist who treated me for PPD, no interest.

This whole thing - the separation from him, his sin about BC, our disagreeing, not accepting the potential of life, not having another child - grows on me daily and saddens me deeply. Yet I try not to bring it up at all because of the sensitivity.

How do you compromise then when there is no compromise?

I am so sorry you’re going through this. :hug1:

I wish I had some something concrete or positive or uplifting to give you, or I had the knowledge or wisdom to tell exactly what you and your husband should be thinking or doing right now. I don’t.

All I can do is speak from my own experience. When I was right around your age (early 40s) I went though a terrible longing for a child. I dreamed about babies, I’d tear up when I saw babies in the grocery store or at church, I spent far too much time on mothering websites. Unlike you, I’m childless; I was devastated at the thought of going into the beginning of the end of my reproductive years without ever having a child. I could almost feel my ovaries shriveling up in my gut.

Looking back I realize that part of my issues were closely related to my dysthymia. And I’m sure hormones also played a big part in what I went through.

And now I’m going to tell you something you might not want to hear, but here it goes. I’m your husband’s age. I’m a lot more tired at the end of the day than I was ten years ago. Children exhaust me a lot more than they did when I was 40. My eleven-year-old stepdaughters wipe me out some days before lunch, and there are a number of days we take afternoon naps because step-mom is done for. I would of course welcome a pregnancy and a baby at 51 if that was God’s will for me, but I wouldn’t exactly be doing the happy dance if we had a baby now. I just don’t know if I have the energy for all that baby stuff at my age. So, I can understand your husband being less than thrilled about another pregnancy and child at our age.

So maybe fear for your health isn’t the only thing in your husband’s mind when he tells you he doesn’t want more children than you two already have. Maybe he’s not telling you that he’s also worried about being too worn out for another baby.

If I could give you any advice it would be this: no matter how badly you want or need another child at this point, it would be very inadvisable for the sake of your marriage for you to sabotage your husband’s birth control. I personally know two Catholic wives who’ve done this - one is my husband’s cousin, the other was married to his boss. They both got their babies, and today they’re both ex-wives. I’m not saying this is on your mind, but of it is, don’t.

Luna

 

[Hokomai]

husband has a terrible demeaning job but it pays the bills and he is finally looking elsewhere. I work part-time and am looking for full-time work and contracting work to fill in in the meantime as money is very tight.

I can’t help with the main part of your post, but wish you the best in resolving the issue. I did want to say, though, that I think no honest work can demean a worker, and that it is possible to have pride in work in virtually all circumstances. You and your husband can be proud of his commitment to whatever this job is and it will stand him in good stead when he looks for another.

 

[CountryMom27]

Thank you both for your counsel. This has been a five year issue and I do understand how exhausted he is and very busy with the life we have, but I also feel like a third child was always a possibility and now it is a “no.” As far as messing with his BC, the thought did cross my mind but the deceit, and the repercussions, were far worse than where I am now. It is something I cannot do.

As to the demeaning work - it isn’t the job that is demeaning, but the manner in which he is treated by his boss. Terrible things that are on the verge of harassment but he holds his head high and I support him 100% although I am encouraging him as much as possible to find another job.

My other struggle is that tired or no, the lionshare of the work would fall on me, so I feel as though I should get more of a vote. Or at least consideration. He did say in therapy he would be open to adoption, but we do not have the money, and it would break my heart to adopt a child and then lose the child when the mother retakes him/her back (I’ve had this happen to two friends). While adoption is noble, I can’t help but prefer having our own child with no legal issues.

Pray for us, please, that Holy Father will find a reconciliation for us where right now there is none.

 

[manualman]

I’ve never had a counseling or psychology course. But I HAVE gained a major appreciation for the way in which God built the human body, fertility system and sexual arousal system in such a way as to nudge couples towards being open to children.

Your husband has chosen to defeat that aspect of human sexuality (presumably you’re talking about condoms). Your priest is right that you have no moral obligation to refuse intimacy in which HE has chosen to sin by contracepting. But on the other hand, YOUR emotions have as much value and standing as his do. I wonder if a compromise position could help your husband to regain some of the benefits of wholistic human sexuality. What if you told him that you strongly feel the pull to have another child, but recognize that he, himself, does not. That feeling (I’m assuming) is particularly strong when you know you are fertile and things get frisky. Why not ask him to help you work through YOUR feeling by having no sexual contact using a condom during your fertile days? If he doesn’t want a baby, it’s HIS job to make sure you abstain those several days a month?

By having to abstain during the fertile times, he will be at least partially restored to the situation where sex and fertility are aspects of the same subject: marital intimacy. Avoiding children is restored to having to abstain and the physical libido once again becomes harnessed to the consideration of children the way God designed us. Yes, this is a burden, one more for what sounds like his already heavy load. But you’re carrying one too. It’s not unfair to ask him to bear his share of the load. That’s marriage, after all!

 

[Musician]

This may not help, I don’t know.
Many women go through TERRIBLE baby hunger in their late thirties/early forties. I was one of these. I yearned for a baby so badly, we even considered in vitro but finally I gave in to my DH’s wishes that if it happened it would only happen naturally. Well, now I am in menopause and have also had my tubes tied (preCatholic days) and it looks as though it won’t happen.
I am okay now, because I have fantastic beautiful grandbabies that fill up that need for me.
Pray earnestly that GOD’S will be done. It is very difficult when you want another baby so badly, but you must keep your eyes on Jesus and keep loving your DH.
I will pray for you.

 

[Thankfulness]

There doesn’t seem to be any indication about how you love your husband. It is clear that you love your children, but there’s nothing about your husband except his work and that he doesn’t want what you want. The spiritual aspects, you’ve spoken to your priest about.
Your marriage seems in trouble from what you said.

May God help you to become more kind and loving to your husband, and may God bring genuine unselfish love into your relationship with each other, with the consideration, understanding, tenderness and thoughtful deeds required to give the children a true witness of parental marital love. May God help you to focus upon promoting new life and love into your marriage relationship, not being sadly in different corners each focused on wanting what they want. You husband has no satisfaction in his work, and he is not having happiness at home either, and nor are you happy.
May God fill you both with an ongoing effort of loving attitude and deed between each other!
:flowers::console:

 

[JillyAnn]

From a purely practical standpoint, which is not always the viewpoint of our faith…

I’d be willing to be your husband doesn’t want to deal with teenagers when he is in his 60s.
I would also be willing to bet that he fears the financial aspect of having another child.
Things are expensive…healthcare, dental care, clothes, food, college…if you are already struggling financially another child now means DH won’t be able to retire at 65 or even 70!

While I completely understand how you feel, I think the practical aspects are things to seriously consider in your situation. While I understand the Catechism, in today’s society there are real considerations for families. Money is an issue. The cost of raising a family IS a concern. I feel like sometimes the church ignores this.