How do you deal with a racist MIL?

[ringil]

I have a 4 year-old and a newborn (both girls) and now that my oldest is more cognizant of what is going on around her I have decided that I need to address this issue.

My wife and I grew up in VA and, as can happen with that, there is an undercurrent of not necessarily racism but a fixation with race itself and discussions of racial difference- often to a negative aspect. A lot of this is passing away with time but with older folks- this can still exist.

I want to leave this legacy behind and for our daughters to only see ethnic and cultural differences in a positive light. In other words I want a valuing of diversity- not a suspicion of it.

I am a Social Worker and with my profession comes an interest and commitment in examining the positive nature of diversity in a society and promoting a pro-social outlook for children. I don’t want my kids surrounded by other people who all look, act, and sound like them. I want them to see cultural difference as a rich and beautiful aspect of humanity

So my wife and I have been able to prevent my MIL from making overt racist commentary but she continues to pepper her speech with references to race and cultural difference- usually in somewhat of a negative light. It is as if this fixation is a core part of her psychology. I need to eliminate this kind of negativity regarding race and difference but I am concerned that since what I am talking about isn’t straight up overt racism- that she is really going to be offended.

I don’t what my DD to have to hear this stuff. Have any of you dealt with this kind of situation around in-laws, aunts, uncles, close friends etc.

 

[ahollars]

I have a 4 year-old and a newborn (both girls) and now that my oldest is more cognizant of what is going on around her I have decided that I need to address this issue.

My wife and I grew up in VA and, as can happen with that, there is an undercurrent of not necessarily racism but a fixation with race itself and discussions of racial difference- often to a negative aspect. A lot of this is passing away with time but with older folks- this can still exist.

I want to leave this legacy behind and for our daughters to only see ethnic and cultural differences in a positive light. In other words I want a valuing of diversity- not a suspicion of it.

I am a Social Worker and with my profession comes an interest and commitment in examining the positive nature of diversity in a society and promoting a pro-social outlook for children. I don’t want my kids surrounded by other people who all look, act, and sound like them. I want them to see cultural difference as a rich and beautiful aspect of humanity

So my wife and I have been able to prevent my MIL from making overt racist commentary but she continues to pepper her speech with references to race and cultural difference- usually in somewhat of a negative light. It is as if this fixation is a core part of her psychology. I need to eliminate this kind of negativity regarding race and difference but I am concerned that since what I am talking about isn’t straight up overt racism- that she is really going to be offended.

I don’t what my DD to have to hear this stuff. Have any of you dealt with this kind of situation around in-laws, aunts, uncles, close friends etc.

What part of VA are you living in? I feel like someone threw too many ingredients in the mixing pot here in PW county.

I have an unfair advantage. My wife is black. I am half-Hispanic. Our kids on average are about 5 years old before they even realize that Mom and Dad are different colors. The neighborhood does not fit any classical category of “side of town”. School is a mix. Church is a mix. Everywhere we go, there is no one group who outnumbers the others.

The truth is that unless you do what we did, you may have to go out of your way to teach these lessons. Demographics of a neighborhood change over the years, so even moving to a certain area is no real guarantee.

As for family, make yourself scarce. That’s all you can do. Never apologize for being rare when your children are involved. Just because someone is family does not mean that they get a pass on behavior that would not be tolerated from anyone else. Pray for them, and bring the kids back when they are older. If anything, make sure your DD’s friends are around when they visit you. They’ll take the hint one way or the other.

 

[mafh]

My dear, departed grandmother persisted to the day she died referring to African-Americans as ‘colored people’ and dismissing people with intellectual disabilities as ‘low mentality people’. It was obvious to me from a very early age that she had some residual racism and other prejudices, though I wouldn’t have been able to describe it in those terms. I always felt very embarrassed when she spoke like this, but my parents always just told me that she was brought up in a different time and that she was too old to change. I think if you instill good values in your children, they will turn out OK.

 

[mafh]

My dear, departed grandmother persisted to the day she died referring to African-Americans as ‘colored people’ and dismissing people with intellectual disabilities as ‘low mentality people’. It was obvious to me from a very early age that she had some residual racism and other prejudices, though I wouldn’t have been able to describe it in those terms. I always felt very embarrassed when she spoke like this, but my parents always just told me that she was brought up in a different time and that she was too old to change. I think if you instill good values in your children, they will turn out OK.

 

[Cojuanco]

My dear, departed grandmother persisted to the day she died referring to African-Americans as ‘colored people’ and dismissing people with intellectual disabilities as ‘low mentality people’. It was obvious to me from a very early age that she had some residual racism and other prejudices, though I wouldn’t have been able to describe it in those terms. I always felt very embarrassed when she spoke like this, but my parents always just told me that she was brought up in a different time and that she was too old to change. I think if you instill good values in your children, they will turn out OK.

Well, at least with the term “colored” it likely was, at the time, the non-offensive term used by black people and white people (hence the Colored Orphan’s Asylum and the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People). “Black” only gained currency in the late 60s and early 70s with the black-is-beautiful movement - before that it was kinda vulgar but not completely offensive. Perhaps she just says it out of force of habit. If she was using the N-word, now she would be defintely be trying to be offensive.

 

[mafh]

Well, at least with the term “colored” it likely was, at the time, the non-offensive term used by black people and white people (hence the Colored Orphan’s Asylum and the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People). “Black” only gained currency in the late 60s and early 70s with the black-is-beautiful movement - before that it was kinda vulgar but not completely offensive. Perhaps she just says it out of force of habit. If she was using the N-word, now she would be defintely be trying to be offensive.

Yeah, I wouldn’t say she was overtly racist, and I don’t believe she would ever use that awful word. But, as I said, I did think she had some residual racism because she drew attention to race too much. For example, if there was a cute kid in the neighborhood who was black, she never referred to him by name or referred to him as a cute kid, but it was always “that cute colored boy”. Somehow, if you were black, it was important to mention that you were ‘colored’. You were never just a ‘polite gentleman’ but always a ‘polite colored gentleman’, etc.

 

[ringil]

Well, at least with the term “colored” it likely was, at the time, the non-offensive term used by black people and white people (hence the Colored Orphan’s Asylum and the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People). “Black” only gained currency in the late 60s and early 70s with the black-is-beautiful movement - before that it was kinda vulgar but not completely offensive. Perhaps she just says it out of force of habit. If she was using the N-word, now she would be defintely be trying to be offensive.

Yes, my wife and I have been successful in having my MIL not use the N word- but we made that clear even before we had kids.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

You can’t completely control how others behave. As you have realized, you can ask them not to say certain words, but can’t ask them to believe differently than they do. My approach would be to minimize the discussions about affected topics in front of your children. When things do come up and comments are made, you can state your own view, or gently critique a racist view as racist, but then you’d do best to steer the conversation another way. You can try to argue your point if you think it will have value, but there is a good chance that the best you can do is to reply so that your children know you disapprove of her opinion/remarks. You will have no choice but to talk about this with your kids, and explain that Grandma’s beliefs about ___ are wrong, and why. It might be helpful to explain that she is a product of her time/situation, and that there are some understandable reasons for her misguided thinking (usually there are some reasons - that don’t make it OK, but help us to understand why). I grew up with a somewhat racist grandmother (although it didn’t come up very often), and this is pretty much what my parents did. Never did I consider the possibility that my grandmother was correct in her thinking. I just saw her as a lady who was raised in a different time, and who did her best with what she knew. My children are growing up with grandparents who have many different beliefs than we do - and whose faith threatens to undermine our beliefs. The best we can do, short of cutting off the relationship, is to use the same approach.

If the language if constant and awful, then you might consider not having your children around it. It would be good to tell your mil this, and give her the chance to improve. But she is your run of the mill person who occasionally peppers her talk with something offensive, then it can be managed without your kids learning something wrong.

 

[Zekariya]

For example, if there was a cute kid in the neighborhood who was black, she never referred to him by name or referred to him as a cute kid, but it was always “that cute colored boy”. Somehow, if you were black, it was important to mention that you were ‘colored’. You were never just a ‘polite gentleman’ but always a ‘polite colored gentleman’, etc.

She might have said that racistly, however, some people do not mean it in a racist way. I am white and if I am somewhere where white people are a minority, I would speak of the “nice white man” (hispanic Mass, Korean Mass, etc). Some speak of the short person, the blond woman, the Vietnamese priest, etc. It is a way to describe someone to another.

 

[Fan_of_Francis]

Could you treat your MIL as you would a client? Firm, professional and consistent in what is acceptable and what is not. I suspect she knows how harmful racist comments can be to the person(s) who is on the receiving end. Dos MIL have any other entitlement views in any other parts of her life?
When you teach your babes your morals/values/manners why not teach them how to stand up to someone ( with respect and in kindness of course ) so when MIL states her racist thinking the children, the children can be the example and maybe, with prayer she can see how harmful this could be to someones psych. My ex in laws were like this to me. I am Caucasian, and they are white European. I have also *had *a Christian "friends who would degrade and make reference to my maternal Grandparents heritage. I think it was just a way of keeping me in my place and for me to know that I am not as good as them. At this age I now would confront them with truth and humour.
God bless you and your family

 

[Ophelia23]

My dad was just talking about this during our visit last week. We were talking about his father, my grandfather. Dad recalled how grandpa used to say a lot of racist things around us, none of which I remember… But ultimately, Dad told my grandpa flat out to knock it off. “Not around my kids,” he said. He also told me that he was prepared to just not bring us around anymore if he wouldn’t change, because he did NOT want us to grow up feeling the way grandpa did. But grandpa bit his tongue and apparently never said anything like that around us again…

 

[MomaMary8]

To me it sounds more like an issue of refinement rather than racism. It is not sinful to use words that are not of “higher class/society.” Encourage your daughters to be refined in the their manners. This refinement will necessitate a guarding of one’s words to always be charitable and kind towards others. We must also be charitable and not assume others are racist because of poor word choices. (Just my impression since you seemed to emphasize that it was just a poor word choice, not racist words.)

As one who grew up on a military base, it was common to have mixed marriages and many different races present. My parents never did anything “special” to teach me “not to be racist.” They simply taught me to love others. I’d take my mother’s approach

 

[Pug]

My only extra thought from what others have said is to beware of teaching anger and disgust in a different form, that of having anger and disgust toward the person whose language seems offensive. That was the side-effect of how my mother attempted to respond to users of the n word.

 

[mafh]

To me it sounds more like an issue of refinement rather than racism. It is not sinful to use words that are not of “higher class/society.” Encourage your daughters to be refined in the their manners. This refinement will necessitate a guarding of one’s words to always be charitable and kind towards others. We must also be charitable and not assume others are racist because of poor word choices. (Just my impression since you seemed to emphasize that it was just a poor word choice, not racist words.)

As one who grew up on a military base, it was common to have mixed marriages and many different races present. My parents never did anything “special” to teach me “not to be racist.” They simply taught me to love others. I’d take my mother’s approach

I think you may be confusing me with the OP.