How do you define a mid-life crisis?

[royal_archer]

***…
I turned 40 last year, and frankly, it was one of the best days of my life…I feel like life and God has revealed so much to me…I am grateful to be at this age.

So…just curious as to your definition of a mid life crisis, and do women have them, or is it something mainly men go through? ***

Have you heard Jimmy Burffett’s song “A Pirate Looks at 40”? I think the song was dead on for a lot of what I was feeling at the peek of my midlife crisis. Here are some other random thoughts on the situation: at the mid way point it helps to reevaluate your goals and life to see if you are on track (and really start worrying about retirement).

At the midway point things don’t work as well as they used to. For instance I have a bad arm and can’t play catch with the kids like I used to. Things that used to make me feel young are not there anymore and exercising harder now makes things worse. So I now need new ways to vent my youthfull spirit (I’m still 20 at heart).

With the kids growing up and finances more stable we are finnaly able to buy some of the toys we always wanted but couldn’t have.

At the mid way point you are half way to dead. One day I came to the realization I just lost half of my life and it seemed to go in a flash. I now figure I will stop putting things off till tomorrow if they can be done today.

 

[agbasinger]

Have you heard Jimmy Burffett’s song “A Pirate Looks at 40”? I think the song was dead on for a lot of what I was feeling at the peek of my midlife crisis. Here are some other random thoughts on the situation: at the mid way point it helps to reevaluate your goals and life to see if you are on track (and really start worrying about retirement).

At the midway point things don’t work as well as they used to. For instance I have a bad arm and can’t play catch with the kids like I used to. Things that used to make me feel young are not there anymore and exercising harder now makes things worse. So I now need new ways to vent my youthfull spirit (I’m still 20 at heart).

With the kids growing up and finances more stable we are finnaly able to buy some of the toys we always wanted but couldn’t have.

At the mid way point you are half way to dead. One day I came to the realization I just lost half of my life and it seemed to go in a flash. I now figure I will stop putting things off till tomorrow if they can be done today.

I am glad that you shared your story. The term ‘mid-life crisis’ often carries a negative connotation with it but your take on the mid point of life is inspiring.

 

[whatevergirl]

*I agree, royal archer…your perspective is refreshing. I think it can be a time of self reflection in a positive way. A time to reinvent one’s self in a positive way.

I think that it gets a negative connotation because someone labeled it a ‘crisis.’ I do believe there are many who hit mid life, and go through a selfish stage…and many leave their spouses during that time, sadly. As if the pastures are suddenly greener elsewhere at mid-life. :shrug: I have a friend who is going through this now, and she wants to leave her husband. I don’t know all the details, but she definitely is searching for something to fill the God-shaped hole in her heart, that only God can fill. It’s sad, please pray for her will you, all? Thanks. *

 

[royal_archer]

Thanks for the kind words.

I think Mid life crisis is more of a Cliche. Basically any (name removed by moderator)ulsive or less than practical act gets labled as being the result of a mid life crisis. It is like we use the term mid life crisis to rationalize a large variety of acts from anyone between the ages of 30 and 60. In fact I may have thrown out the mid life crisis card to help justify buying a convertible last year. (It is actually a great family car on hot summer nights: drop the top, load up the family and cruise on down to Dairy Queen…)

 

[whatevergirl]

Thanks for the kind words.

I think Mid life crisis is more of a Cliche. Basically any (name removed by moderator)ulsive or less than practical act gets labled as being the result of a mid life crisis. It is like we use the term mid life crisis to rationalize a large variety of acts from anyone between the ages of 30 and 60. In fact I may have thrown out the mid life crisis card to help justify buying a convertible last year. (It is actually a great family car on hot summer nights: drop the top, load up the family and cruise on down to Dairy Queen…)

*I agree…you turned your ‘crisis’ into something good How fun…a convertible…an old car, like an antique? *

 

[royal_archer]

*I agree…you turned your ‘crisis’ into something good How fun…a convertible…an old car, like an antique? *

No, old car as in 10 year old Seabring. We wanted to start off with something cheep to see if we would enjoy it.

 

[whatevergirl]

No, old car as in 10 year old Seabring. We wanted to start off with something cheep to see if we would enjoy it.

*I remember when that model first came out…I think it is a nice style! I hope you and your family enjoy it…the bigger ‘crisis’ will be when you buy the 2009 corvette.

Kidding aside, back to the original post…I think my daughter’s friend’s parents are divorcing over more than a car purchase…sounds like according to my dd, that her friend’s dad found someone else. I feel sad that kids at the age of 12 and 13, are spending their time at lunch discussing this.

I have a strong marriage, I believe…but, all of this I find disconcerting. It seems every time you turn around, someone is running off with another woman or man, and leaving their longterm marriages. *

 

[royal_archer]

*I remember when that model first came out…I think it is a nice style! I hope you and your family enjoy it…the bigger ‘crisis’ will be when you buy the 2009 corvette.

Kidding aside, back to the original post…I think my daughter’s friend’s parents are divorcing over more than a car purchase…sounds like according to my dd, that her friend’s dad found someone else. I feel sad that kids at the age of 12 and 13, are spending their time at lunch discussing this.

I have a strong marriage, I believe…but, all of this I find disconcerting. It seems every time you turn around, someone is running off with another woman or man, and leaving their longterm marriages. *

It would only be crisis if I tried to squeeze into a corvette.

I wonder if the car and the girl are in a way related. . . If the wife does not grant the husband a little leway with a toy car or other youthfull hobby does she drive the husband away? (I am definately not making excuses but am identifying contributing motives.) Lets face it at 40 there aren’t to many of us who are as attractive as we once were. Added to that, we are falling into daily work and home life routines. As a result the passion in life tends to get squeezed out. There is an old line of thinking: Mistresses never discuss bills, household chores, problems with the kids, etc. Personally my relationship with my wife has changed significantly. Where as before she was my girlfriend who I married and had a pasionate relationship with. Now she is the other adult caregiver in the home and the only time she wants one on one time is to discuss what we are going to do about what ever the problem of the day is. That change is hard to deal with and if I weren’t Christian, I probably would considered seeking a relationship, outside the home, what I was no longer experiencing at home.

Once again nothing justifies people breaking their vows but the influences are real and do need to be dealt with proactively. The church has an engaged encounters weeked that we were required to attend prior to marriage. Wouldn’t it be great if they had something equivalently “mandatory” every 10-15 years or so to help revitalize marriages.

 

[whatevergirl]

*I understand somewhat of what you’re saying. I am 40, but I don’t feel that way, really. And nowadays people talk about turning 40 like you’re old or something? I actually loved turning 40–I can’t explain it. I also think that you have to work on staying in shape. No, we’ll never ‘look’ or ‘be’ 20 again, but who cares? I don’t feel ‘bad’ about being 40, and don’t feel old! (and I don’t look old, I don’t think?)

I mean, yes, after nearly 18 years of marriage, the dynamic is obviously different than when my dh and I were dating… but, marriage requires two people to ‘find’ the time to have that passion and excitement.

Everything in life changes. If there is one thing we can COUNT on besides Christ–it’s change. If I were working for a company for 18 years, would it be as fresh and innovative as it was on the first day? Probably not. So, as things change in our collective lives, we have to find ways to keep things exciting. Same holds true in marriage. I agree that being Catholic, helps me to see that my marriage is designed more to have us sacrifice ourselves, than to always look …what’s in it for me?

Little story–My sister dated a man, a few years ago, who was married. He said all of these terrible things about his wife. Of course, she was the one at fault for his wanting to leave. (Meanwhile, he was telling my sister he was leaving, but he was very much married) He had three kids, one was a baby! Anyways, she dated him…everything was bliss. I kept warning her, eventually she stopped talking to me. He eventually divorced his wife. My sis then moved in with him…and saw his true colors. He ended up being verbally abusive, and cheated on her. What a surprise. So…nothing ever good comes from affairs. Nothing. Even if two lovers run off together and get married…their marriage does not have God’s blessing. Never will. God will never tell us to do something that goes against His Commandments, right? So, she learned the hard way–the grass is not always greener, and the effort she put into the affair with that guy, she should have put into her marriage. *Light bulb moment.

So many people regardless of the age they are, are not willing to work on the marriage, but will jump through hoops to have sex with a complete stranger. Reality is that there are no fairy tales in this life, and that with God, all things are possible.

 

[whatevergirl]

*royal–that would be cool if there were something somewhat obligatory for couples to attend, but how would anyone enforce it? I see what you are saying though…

Truth is…we all can find time to woo our spouses…to put more passion into things. Often times, we think …well, this person loves me, will never leave me…he/she will understand if I’m tired tonight…and then one night leads into another. I have experienced this myself, when our kids were little. I was always tired. I was always taking care of one of the kids…worried they’d walk in…listening out for them…I was distracted.

I look back and regret that. I wish I had paid more attention. Hind sight is 20/20, but thankfully…through our faith, my husband and I try to keep that spark alive. It’s important to stay appealing physically to one’s spouse…for a man to buy flowers just because…for a wife to buy a pretty dress just because…to serve one another breakfast in bed just because…

There are a number of ways to heighten the excitement and passion in a marriage. Now, there are still marriages that fail…and husbands/wives that cheat, even when one or the other did their very best to keep things alive. Truth about affairs, in seeing it with my sister…she was looking for someone to complete her. Her husband wasn’t doing it, she thought another man could.

Only God completes us. That is something she learned the hard way. I just see a lot of lonely hearts out there, who have experienced great loss from their ‘mid life crisis.’ It’s so sad. *

 

[tapiocapudding]

My Mom quit her job, left my Dad, became a freelance photographer and spends much of her time drinking and partying. If that’s not a midlife crisis, I don’t know what is! I’m hoping it’ll calm down soon…

I’ve heard of midlife crises er crisises (oh crud what’s the plural of crisis) being described as anything from coming to terms with your own mortality to trying to make sense of not accomplishing everything you’d dreamed you would in life to the onset of menopause. I imagine to what extent a person goes through a crisis in midlife is very individual.

 

[whatevergirl]

*Wow, I’m so sorry! Okay, you bring up a great point…and one I’ve wondered about myself.

So…why couldn’t your mom become a freelance photographer, and stay married to your dad, you know? Not trying to bring your mom into this, just saying in general…what happens, that the person feels he/she has to leave the marriage to begin new hobbies or interests? Obviously the partying wouldn’t go over big with your dad…but why not celebrate life with him? I just have often wondered why people when they decide to reinvent themselves, often divorce in order to do that? My sister did that…she is like an entirely new person, and in many ways, more positive than when she was married…so maybe in some ways, the person feels held back with that other person? I dunno? It has to be hard for you to see your dad go through this.

I will keep your mom and dad in my prayers…*

 

[tapiocapudding]

thank you. My Dad needs all the prayers he can get, he is still feeling very low about all this.
My parents have had their problems for years and I guess my Mom just got sick of it (my Dad is very type A, very my way or the highway type). And, I’m on the outside looking in, so I don’t really know the whole story.
All I know is that I wish they would both stop badmouthing eachother to me all the time. Divorce is awful. I pray I never have to experience it.

 

[LongingForLight]

**
So…just curious as to your definition of a mid life crisis, and do women have them, or is it something mainly men go through? **

I have my mid-life crisis all planned out, and I’m getting started on it as soon as I can leave my kids for months on end. I’m going to sell all of my computers and junk, and use the money to join some kind of missionary work building churches or feeding starving kids in Africa. Hopefully my husband or one of my older kids will be willing to come along for the crazy ride!

I still need to hammer out the details, but I figure I have at least a decade before even my oldest kids - currently 3 years old - are old enough for me to go. And by that point, I’m sure I’ll have at least a few others who need to mature before I can head out. But then I’m gonna go have the BEST MIDLIFE CRISIS EVER!!!

There’s also another consideration: Why wait until midlife to have an identity crisis? They’re just so much FUN!!! I had fun with them in my teens, and I’m still having fun with them in my mid-20’s. A good, solid questioning of yourself and your purpose in this world every few years can be good for you. And I’m only half-joking

However, I will say . . . I feel bad for my husband sometimes. His wife changes every couple of years, while he’s not the most change-seeking guy. But I think he loves me more now than ever before, so I must not be too bad

 

[whatevergirl]

I have my mid-life crisis all planned out, and I’m getting started on it as soon as I can leave my kids for months on end. I’m going to sell all of my computers and junk, and use the money to join some kind of missionary work building churches or feeding starving kids in Africa. Hopefully my husband or one of my older kids will be willing to come along for the crazy ride!

I still need to hammer out the details, but I figure I have at least a decade before even my oldest kids - currently 3 years old - are old enough for me to go. And by that point, I’m sure I’ll have at least a few others who need to mature before I can head out. But then I’m gonna go have the BEST MIDLIFE CRISIS EVER!!!

There’s also another consideration: Why wait until midlife to have an identity crisis? They’re just so much FUN!!! I had fun with them in my teens, and I’m still having fun with them in my mid-20’s. A good, solid questioning of yourself and your purpose in this world every few years can be good for you. And I’m only half-joking

However, I will say . . . I feel bad for my husband sometimes. His wife changes every couple of years, while he’s not the most change-seeking guy. But I think he loves me more now than ever before, so I must not be too bad

* That is great. My sister said the other night, she is tired of the ‘business train’ that she’s on…and she wants off! She is 53, and she too said she was thinking of becoming a missionary. That’s ironic. I (secretly) have always ALWAYS wanted to be an archaeologist. I never pursued that dream…really no money in it, unless you discover a bone from an alien or something. lol I watch a lot of archaeology documentaries…and say to myself…that could be you sharon. I don’t know what stops me…oh yeah, I have a husband, kids, a job…bills. I almost forgot.

My husband and I went out for a drink tonight…we dropped dd off at her music lesson…and we talked about this. He said that he wants us to buy a big plot of land with one of his brothers…and his wife…and then we can build a farm. I said…is this your midlife crisis? lol I said, some men want corvettes…you want cows.

 

[Just_wondering]

Longing for Light, you sound exactly like my mother! While my father has worked at the same job for years (and recently retired), my mother has reinvented herself at least every five years throughout their 30-year marriage. She’s already got the next two planned out, too - the next one will be selling their business to buy a motorhome and driving around North America, and the one after that will be flying to Africa to build houses for the poor. Beyond that, I’m not sure. She also wants to find time to be a supportive and present grandmother in her future grandchildren’s lives.

As for me, I’m only 28, so I’ve got some time left before I need to have a midlife crisis, but I’ve got a few ideas. The motorbike/sports car thing won’t work, because I’ve already told my boyfriend he can get one when we get married as the “other car” for running errands or commuting. Opening our own business we’re planning to do when we’re young, too, so that’s out. I figure we might move to another country (again) to give our kids a taste of another culture as a midlife crisis. Hmm… mostly, I guess, I’m just trying to do the things now that I’ve always wanted to do, so that we don’t need to worry about things left undone at the midway point. When my boyfriend says, “hey, I’ve always wanted to fix up a sports car” I say, “gee, I think we can manage that.” I imagine it being a long-term project that one or more of our future sons or daughters can take an interest in, too. He’d like to live in another country before we settle down in Canada - yeah, I’d like that too, let’s do it.

There’ll always be a never-ending list of things we want to do on this earth, but it’s nice to try to do them before the crisis hits, and maybe avert it.

 

[gardenswithkids]

*. I (secretly) have always ALWAYS wanted to be an archaeologist. I never pursued that dream…really no money in it, unless you discover a bone from an alien or something. lol I watch a lot of archaeology documentaries…and say to myself…that could be you sharon. I don’t know what stops me…oh yeah, I have a husband, kids, a job…bills. I almost forgot. *

*My husband and I went out for a drink tonight…we dropped dd off at her music lesson…and we talked about this. He said that he wants us to buy a big plot of land with one of his brothers…and his wife…and then we can build a farm. I said…is this your midlife crisis? lol I said, some men want corvettes…you want cows. *

Oh Whatever, this can work out great for your midlife crisis! Your husband buys a farm and you get a place for archaeological digging–all in the same place! No need to bother with all that world travel, just get a farm somewhere. If your husband finds anything good while plowing his field, move your archaeological digging to that field. What a perfect couple the two of you make, sharing your mid-life crisis together!

 

[whatevergirl]

Oh Whatever, this can work out great for your midlife crisis! Your husband buys a farm and you get a place for archaeological digging–all in the same place! No need to bother with all that world travel, just get a farm somewhere. If your husband finds anything good while plowing his field, move your archaeological digging to that field. What a perfect couple the two of you make, sharing your mid-life crisis together!

*Thank you, I think! I was truly floored when he said that about buying a farm. My husband is not a big ‘change’ person…he sort of likes routine, he loves Florida. That is my challenge. I like it here, I love where we live here, but I don’t ‘love’ Florida. I don’t see us here forever…but his older brother is close to retirement (there were nine kids in his family, so his eldest brother is 62) and he has been talking about buying a lot of land…in the “middle of nowhere.” Everyone’s crisis is different!

Just Wondering–nice to see you here. I agree with you there. I think that there really is no reason to have a crisis, per se. Now, my sister for example, her marriage was teetering on unhealthy…she and her husband didn’t share things…her husband reinvented himself, and bought his own business, and she was not happy and not supportive. I think that it’s important to be supportive of your spouse’s dreams…they don’t have to be your own, yet they don’t have to come between you. Thanks for sharing.*

 

[fghgj]

trade9shoes.com

 

[mrpathetic]

I don’t know if the term “mid life crisis” points to a real phenomen. But I have most of the symptoms. And it is brutally hard to live with - regardless of whatever nomenclature you use to categorize it.

I doubt my relationship to my wife. She is now an agnostic, and has completely abandoned Christianity. She is deeply narcissistic, and really cares nothing about me or our marriage. I strongly suspect that she will abandon and divorce me, when the time is right for her.

My daughter has abandoned Catholicism, and now attends an evangelical church. I wonder all the time what I did wrong, to cause this. I suspect that my daughter is doing this to rebel against her parents; admittedly, I and my wife have been overprotective of her.

My son is mentally and physically sound, and I have at least some hope for him. He may have some Christian faith - but it is hard to tell. He too is going through his rebellious phase, where he will do anything to get out of the home, and break free from his parents.

My career and ministries, by and large, are failures. I have some successes, but I really feel like I have underachieved.

My physical health is OK, but I suspect that it won’t by like this forever. I am approaching 50, which is when my mother started having physical breakdowns. And I continue to struggle with emotional and psychological problems (mostly anxiety and depression), that I have battled for much of my adult life.

Essentially, I look back at the past 44 years, and I see promises that I never kept, dreams that are unfulfilled, and so much time that was wasted. I think this is why many middle-aged people go through these “crises”.

==============================================================

I suspect that I could spend the rest of my life lonely, divorced, estranged from my family, in failing health, and bankrupt. It is a real possibility. That is exactly how my mother spent much of the last 15 years of her life. (I and my sister did what we could to help her. I was living a thousand miles away at the time. I ended up paying much of her bills. When you have a parent who suffers in old age, it makes you dread the thought of growing old.)

Could I end up just like her? It is a real possibility. And yes, it frightens me.

Our civilization is not kind to senior citizens. And when you enter later middle age, the stark reality of that can hit you in the face, like a 2-by-4.

============================================================

Willie Lohman, the lead character from Arthur Miller’s classic play, “Death of a Salesman”, faced the exact same predicament. He too was confronted with a failed marriage, family, and career. He chose the easy way out - suicide. He was a man lacking in Christian faith, which is why he took the route of the coward, by asphixiating himself. There are no such options, for those of us who are true Christians.

I think I can survive anything, through my faith in Christ. I could even endure what Willie had to. But that doesn’t mean it will be easy. The next 20-30 years could be extremely hard. That is why I only place my faith in the next world - the current world holds no promise for me.