How do you determine cultural compatiblity?

[Lady_Bug]

This area of compatibility I try to also focus on, in addition to spiritual compatibility.

Sometimes we can be equally yoked but the cultural differences between the two people are still too big of a barrier.

What things must we consider before pursuing someone whose culture might be different?

I was born and raised in the U.S. of an intercultural marriage. My mother is American (Italian/German) and my father is from Pakistan. Of course, it’s no secret that mainstream American culture leaves a lot to be desired. Yet at the same time, I can’t connect with my father’s culture back in Pakistan and never have been able to (even my father is starting not to connect with it the way he used to). (I hope no offense to anyone who is of this area of the world, I am sorry). I’d feel more comfortable (and this is only me, because I am talking about myself here) with someone born and raised in the U.S. (but with conservative moral values, not mainstream American values) or another part of the world in which the culture clash won’t be starkly different. When I say “culture” of the U.S. right now though in this sentence, I’m not referring to the immorality and stuff. I almost don’t even know WHAT I’m referring to, lol.

I don’t know if any of this came out right but I’m looking for some insight as to what factors to consider when discerning cultural compatibility.

 

[LaLucia]

I know what you are trying to say and that is that you are an American with a American lifestyle. It doesn’t really matter that your dad comes from another culteral background. What matters is that you feel you are not compatiable with his country.

I feel the way you do… regarding that I like being an American eventhough I have ancestors in Mexico. I would be lonely living in Mexico because I like being an American.

I once had a friend who went to live in Europe for a few years. He was happy there but he missed America and our American Culture.
Culteral compatibility happens when you spend some time getting to know people from other culteral groups.

You will find some people fun to hang out with and you will also find other people that you feel you have nothing in common.

For example; I get along with a lot of culteral groups. I prefer to be with people who are very calm and non-judgemental and are peaceful people.

I am not compatiable with my dad’s family members so it doesn’t matter that they are part of my cultural group.

Each person is special and it doesn’t really matter what culteral group they come from.

I think you are not compatiable with your dad’s family values and what they see is important in life. That is something you just don’t agree with and that makes you incompatiable. Lucy

 

[Just_wondering]

I think you just have to figure out cultural compatibility for yourself. My parents are of British heritage and are both immigrants to Canada, but my father’s family came by way of Singapore first. I absolutely love my country, but at the same time, I haven’t found myself attracted to Canadian men. (It probably doesn’t help that I’m here in Korea and the pickings are slim.)

I found myself more interested in people whose backgrounds were like mine in other ways - not in their country of origin, but in their openness to living in other countries and in their acceptance of multinational, multiracial families. I love meeting people who, when job hunting, consider half a dozen countries before deciding where to go. I love meeting people who would open their homes and their hearts to exchange students from around the world. I can’t imagine ever having dated a person who didn’t have a passport.

When I talk to my boyfriend about family, even though we grew up in completely different environments (him in a large city in the Philippines, me on a farm near a small city in Canada), our shared backgrounds give us a connection. Both our families are close-knit yet spread out all over the world. I’m nervous about meeting his family for the first time (next week) but at the same time, I feel like we’ll get along fine.

My parents also felt a “cultural connection” because they were both from families with many adopted children. It’s not so much a cultural thing, but a common background and common experiences derived from that background.

I think you don’t have any background in common with people from Pakistan, and that’s not anything to be apologetic about. I dated a Korean man very briefly, and discovered that the cultural differences were too great for me.

When you’re considering dating someone of a different culture, it’s great to pick their brains in the early stages of the relationship about what it was like to grow up in that culture. If you can get a bunch of people from their culture together to discuss it, that’s even better because you’ll get a wider range of perspectives. I admit that I googled Filipino culture in the very early stages of my relationship so I knew what I was getting myself into. I still ask my Filipino friends for their perspectives on how I can be a good girlfriend and a good wife.

 

[chevalier]

I see what your “problem” is and I’ve wondered about it too. Yes, cultural differences can be rather vast and sometimes it feels your chosen one doesn’t share something important with you. I feel some of it too, despite the fact I’ve had a long history of friendships with foreigners or half-foreigners of the opposite gender, that later led to a failed romantic relationship or attempt at one more often than not. Sometimes I used to feel I couldn’t really fully relax and relate to someone who doesn’t get the “Polish thing”. That’s not really true, now that I look at it, as I could get along with someone of a different nationality (and that’s often where I can relate better or where I get a better reaction than from compatriot ladies). Same way, I would think I couldn’t be myself and feel like a free person with someone who doesn’t get the thing about the Latin civilisation. That is somewhat true, but I could get along with an Eastern Catholic much much more than with a Western-minded Polish atheist. In the end it seems that national and regional cultures are important, but what gives me a big problem is relating to people who are Polish but don’t get the Polish thing, people who are European but don’t get the Latin, Christian civilisation thing. I suppose that’s what you feel also when you have to interact with those new generations who don’t feel very American to you. I see what you mean. The Constitution (the foundation) is one thing, Roe vs Wade (modern American mainstream culture) is another. You have some noble traditions and some people who want to squeeze bizarre rights for themselves out of those.

Apart from the moral differences, obviously, there are those merely cultural ones and they can be a problem to overcome, too. But I suppose they aren’t as much of a problem if they aren’t connected with some form of perverting the tradition or cutting off one’s roots and going liberal (in the sense of the modern permissivism). Personally, I can’t imagine dating anyone who subscribes to liberal views, Catholic or not. By liberal I don’t mean the view of a limited government and economical freedom, which are all fine, but I mean the modern thing with relativism and bizarre rights, generally coming in package with a pro-“choice” stance and a pro-gay-marriage one. I am not a conservatist properly speaking and I couldn’t really get along with a person who made a point of being conservative and opposing any change whatsoever, especially without understanding the bigger picture. I especially “love” when conservatists don’t see how their views don’t get in line with their principles or if they don’t see that the opposing option is older or more literal than their own. It’s a bit like with lawyers - A will say he supports reading Y of a legal rule because it’s literal and reading Z is not, B will say he supports reading Z because that one is literal according to him and Y is not, C will say that he opposes the literal reading Y and therefore chooses non-literal reading Z, then D will say he opposes the literal reading Z and prefers the non-literal reading Y. Will literalists side with literalists or will Y-ists side with Y-ists? Therefore I simply like a certain healthy degree of common sense in people’s views, without making a point to impose or avoid change, taking a reality check and double-checking the logic - as well as staying moral and getting along with the relativist babble which is internally inconsistent. This makes me seen as a conservatist. while I’m properly more moderate - except I dislike fence-sitting for the same reason I dislike the for or against change bias, which means I’m moderate in effect but not in principle. My principle is make it moral and make it work. The most justice possible. Perhaps why I feel culturally at odds with so many people.

 

[peregrinator_it]

What things must we consider before pursuing someone whose culture might be different?

Well, I’m not entirely sure how to answer your question, but the following concerns occur to me when I think about it. (I’m going to leave aside the question of culture amongst the devout versus toxic secular culture.)

Culture reflects/affects (I’m not sure which) 1) what people consider courteous, 2) the way they communicate, and 3) how they prioritize.

Understanding and liking another culture can offset these disparaties, but not eradicate them. And while I don’t think a difference in culture between two people is an insupperable obstacle, it does almost guarantee a higher incidence of embarrassment and misunderstanding between them.

I, personally, would be reluctant to pursue a relationship with someone who came from a cultural background different from my own & with which I was not sympathetic or familiar. Frankly, I find the differences in culture just within the U.S. a bit of an obstacle, when it comes to pursuing someone.

As a born & bred Californian, I find the value given to obeying social conventions & maintaining appearances out here on the east coast stifling. I don’t think I could ever be a good wife to some east coast fellow trying to make his way up in the DC scene. I’m just not polished enough, and being polished simply isn’t the highest priority in the culture I come from.

And I miss the out-doorsy-ness of west coasters; sitting in a restaurant/club/movie theatre/party is nice every once in a while, but it isn’t my idea of an entertainment staple (that would be hiking/biking/going to the beach, etc.)

The cultural divides between countries are, of course, even greater. I briefly considered living in England (again) under a rather particular set of circumstances, that would have had me living with a bunch of English women. And I realized, after having a good long talk with one of them, just how deep the cultural divide was, (even without the language barrier) and how much work it would be on a daily basis simply to make myself understood. There would have to be a whole lot of incentive (good character, good will) for me to try and bridge that divide with a potential spouse.

 

[Lady_Bug]

peregrinator_it,

you brought up a compelling point about there being differences in sub-cultures within the U.S. alone.

I will attempt to explain why I wrote my post. Without the intention of offending anyone.

Now, correct me if I’m wrong about these aspects, but the following aspects of my father’s culture I don’t feel compatible with.

Maybe it’s me, but it seems to me like everything within the family is based on outside image and honor. I’m not saying that in America, we don’t care about image and status - but there’s something about where my father comes from that just seems different, but I can’t put my finger on it.

I feel like there’s less free will in Pakistani families for people to do what’s right for them without others trying to control their decisions. I feel like many things that should be subject to individual decisions, or decisions ONLY for the married couples, have to be sought approval for the entire family. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that when a couple is married, the parents of the married couple have influence over the marriage, no matter how old the couple is. Sometimes they have the parents continue to live with the married couple (even when the parent is not debilitated and sick) and I think that can be a terrible deterrent against marital intimacy. I feel that you constantly have to worry about what others in your family think of you and that your value is solely based on what your family thinks of you, and if you make one wrong decision, you can be shamed by your entire family. If I am totally wrong, I would like to know, but this is what I seem to be witnessing in my dad’s family. Not only that, I don’t feel that women are regarded as equal value to men there. I mean, for example, if a woman is attacked, SHE is the one who is shamed by the family. I’m not imagining myself to be raped, but I’m trying to give an example of the woman being blamed for something that she didn’t do.

I also don’t feel like wearing the clothes (I used to wear them on and off at Pakistani gatherings I used to go to when I was a lot younger), or listening to the music of, or believing in MANY (or any) of their politics (especially their fixation on Israel).

Maybe there’s more things that I didn’t think of. I’m just trying to illustrate the fact that while no one is even remotely close to being perfect, I’d probably realize how “American” I am when/if I try to integrate into another culture that is vastly different than the one I grew up in.

 

[Just_wondering]

I feel like there’s less free will in Pakistani families for people to do what’s right for them without others trying to control their decisions. I feel like many things that should be subject to individual decisions, or decisions ONLY for the married couples, have to be sought approval for the entire family. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that when a couple is married, the parents of the married couple have influence over the marriage, no matter how old the couple is. Sometimes they have the parents continue to live with the married couple (even when the parent is not debilitated and sick) and I think that can be a terrible deterrent against marital intimacy. I feel that you constantly have to worry about what others in your family think of you and that your value is solely based on what your family thinks of you, and if you make one wrong decision, you can be shamed by your entire family. If I am totally wrong, I would like to know, but this is what I seem to be witnessing in my dad’s family.

That’s probably a valid point and true from what you’ve seen of the culture. I don’t know many Pakistani people, so I can’t say, but it sounds familiar. Here in Korea, too, decisions are made much more collectively than we would in North America. People often ask me how I got my parents to allow me to live overseas, and are shocked when I say that I didn’t ask my parents for permission, I just told them I was going.

Absolutely, if you’re not willing to live in that environment, if that would be too stifling and too different for you, you’re not going to be happy marrying into that culture. You don’t have to feel guilty about it or try to justify your feelings. You wouldn’t be doing anyone any favours by marrying someone you wouldn’t be compatible with, even if your extended family on your father’s side think you should consider marrying a Pakistani.

 

[jman507]

That’s probably a valid point and true from what you’ve seen of the culture. I don’t know many Pakistani people, so I can’t say, but it sounds familiar. Here in Korea, too, decisions are made much more collectively than we would in North America. People often ask me how I got my parents to allow me to live overseas, and are shocked when I say that I didn’t ask my parents for permission, I just told them I was going.

Absolutely, if you’re not willing to live in that environment, if that would be too stifling and too different for you, you’re not going to be happy marrying into that culture. You don’t have to feel guilty about it or try to justify your feelings. You wouldn’t be doing anyone any favours by marrying someone you wouldn’t be compatible with, even if your extended family on your father’s side think you should consider marrying a Pakistani.

I agree. To OP: To say, you really don’t feel like you’d want to date or marry someone in that culture, is not the same thing as saying that culture is bad. If your not comfortable living that way, and you don’t have to, then don’t. You won’t enjoy it, nor probably will the others enjoy you.

Still to OP: It sounds like you’d like to connect, so it might just be best to understand your incompatable, and your not going to live that way. You may then be able to be more open to it, to make that connection once you understand and made the boundries.

I don’t think there is anything impossible about marrying someone from another culture. I think you really need to understand his or her culture is apart of who that person is. To accept the person is to accept that. In some respects it may be easier to be married to someone than just be a friend, because you really must try to understand who that person is (that is if you are open to understanding the culture.)

 

[LaLucia]

Hi again… I totally understand what you are going through.

This is the problem that can come from any culteral group including Americans:

1. Some people worry about what the neighbors think. That is socia control.
2. Keeping up with the Joneses which means that some people want to look like they are well off and they are trying to climb the social ladder so people will say great things about them.
   The want to IMPRESS OTHERS.
3. Parents and relatives are given too much power over their adult children and they set the rules whether the adult is single or married. The CONTROL IS ALWAYS THERE.
4. Yes, the women in some culteral groups blame the rape victim and not the rapist. I have seen that in America too.
5. Try to leave the family group if you want your FREEDOM. I had to do that to get out of my parents’ control. YOU CAN’T CHANGE THEM.

I live in California where we Americans do what we think is right for ourselves. I don’t worry about what other people think because they don’t FINANCIALLY SUPPORT ME.
I also don’t care if people talk bad behind my back or to my face.

It is wonderful to be free from the social pressure that some families impose on their adult children. It feels soooo good.

I have several friends that like to impress other people by buying designer clothes, expensive cars and etc. and they CAN’T AFFORD IT so they owe thousands of dollars on credit cards.

When I was in my 30’s and I was dating guys I would tell myself to not fall in love with guys born in other countries because I knew that their families would decide who their sons would be allowed to marry. I knew they were off limits to them. Plus, I didn’t like the idea of being married to a controling husband who would take my freedom away from me because they believe that women should stay home and obey their husband to the maximum.

I dumped some really cute guys when I was a young gal. I don’t regret it at all. I knew it wouldn’t work out because of our culteral differences.

 

[Gearoidin]

peregrinator_it,

I feel like there’s less free will in Pakistani families for people to do what’s right for them without others trying to control their decisions. I feel like many things that should be subject to individual decisions, or decisions ONLY for the married couples, have to be sought approval for the entire family. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that when a couple is married, the parents of the married couple have influence over the marriage, no matter how old the couple is. Sometimes they have the parents continue to live with the married couple (even when the parent is not debilitated and sick) and I think that can be a terrible deterrent against marital intimacy. I feel that you constantly have to worry about what others in your family think of you and that your value is solely based on what your family thinks of you, and if you make one wrong decision, you can be shamed by your entire family. If I am totally wrong, I would like to know, but this is what I seem to be witnessing in my dad’s family. Not only that, I don’t feel that women are regarded as equal value to men there. I mean, for example, if a woman is attacked, SHE is the one who is shamed by the family. I’m not imagining myself to be raped, but I’m trying to give an example of the woman being blamed for something that she didn’t do.

I live in Japan, I’m from Ireland and my husband is Japanese. What you have described above is common in all group oriented cultures, and most Asian cultures are much more group oriented than American culture. One is not better than the other - they both have good and bad points - they are just different.
Marrying somone from a very different culture is difficult. It is not so much the outward differences in culture that cause problems, but the underlying, hidden side of culture. Anyone can learn to use chopsticks, bow rather than shake hands etc. This is just a matter of getting used to something. Learning the underlying aspects of culture - group vs. individual, direct vs. indirect communication etc is much more difficult and takes a lot of work. Aft
Marrying outside one’s own culture is not for everyone and the majority of intercultural marriages that I know of have ended in divorce. From what I’ve seen, miscommunication seems to be one of the biggest issues. When you are dealing with a different language in which one partner is not fluent, plus a totally different communication style, different underlying assumptions, beliefs and expectations then misunderstandings are bound to occur. How you deal with them determines if your relationship will survive or not.

Gearoidin