How do you earn someone's respect?

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WildCatholic

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I don’t know what it is, but I feel like i’m socially inept because I don’t know how to earn respect from people and how to to make them treat me like they should. All my life i guess I feel that we should respect everyone we meet and not treat them like garbage just because we can.

Is this wrong of me? I feel that if someone is nice and does what they are supposed too they should’t be bullied or made fun of or disrespected, but it seems like people don’t care about that. I teach high school kids and try to be respectful and enforce me rules but some of my students dislike me and don’t listen. It almost feels like i’m back in school being made fun of by popular kids who just dislike me for no reason other than i’m different.

So how am I supposed to earn someone’s respect? I guess I’ve never really had to do that with a person. I have friends and they do treat me well but as far as my career goes, I feel like a wimpy marshmallow people just laugh at. I wonder if it’s even because I’m short and overweight and am not the greatest communicator. Whatever happened to being nice to people and respecting them for who they are? Isn’t that what Jesus teaches ?

God Bless

WildCatholic
 
WildCatholic said:
I don’t know what it is, but I feel like i’m socially inept because I don’t know how to earn respect from people and how to to make them treat me like they should. All my life i guess I feel that we should respect everyone we meet and not treat them like garbage just because we can.

Is this wrong of me? I feel that if someone is nice and does what they are supposed too they should’t be bullied or made fun of or disrespected, but it seems like people don’t care about that. I teach high school kids and try to be respectful and enforce me rules but some of my students dislike me and don’t listen. It almost feels like i’m back in school being made fun of by popular kids who just dislike me for no reason other than i’m different.

**A lot of high school kids dislike and disrespect their teachers. So it has always been. A first-year teacher or a substitute is especially vulnerable.

Also, tweens and teens are not always respectful even toward their parents. In fact, there is a very good chance that a lot of your students treat you way better than they treat their parents. If you ever have kids of your own, you’ll probably discover the truth of that.

Perhaps you might want to teach 5th or 6th grade instead? My dad always said that that’s the best age.

You’ve got to get over your high school traumas if you want to be a high school teacher. You are not a bullied kid–you are an authority figure and you need to do your best for all of your students, even the ones who are incredibly cruel or annoying. Many of them will grow into quite tolerable human beings, given enough time. **

So how am I supposed to earn someone’s respect? I guess I’ve never really had to do that with a person. I have friends and they do treat me well but as far as my career goes, I feel like a wimpy marshmallow people just laugh at. I wonder if it’s even because I’m short and overweight and am not the greatest communicator. Whatever happened to being nice to people and respecting them for who they are? Isn’t that what Jesus teaches ?

God Bless

WildCatholic
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With kids, it’s important to be consistent, fair, honest, competent, and unflappable. Teenagers hate fakes. It also doesn’t hurt to develop a professional sense of humor. (But be sparing with your attempts at humor as you develop your routine.) My 12-year-old can be a handful, but she’s had several very funny teachers the last few years and she comes home and quotes their witticisms to me. A repertoire of good, on-topic jokes relating to your subjects will help the serious material go down more easily.

Best wishes!
 
If you are overweight, as you say, try losing a little bit at a time or at least try to get as healthy as possible. There is no way to change “short” unless you can wear heels. As far as respect is concerned even the Pope has detractors and critics. Respect is taught in the home and should be carried over into social, professional and cultural life. you might start each class with a “how was your day?” and share a little of your own day or life. Not too much 'though. For students, teachers are usually a “mystery” to young minds. Show some interest in the lives of your students and how they interact outside of class. Don’t overdo it. Respect will come and you will be more relaxed over time. Not everything is learned from books and structure. Kids love a happy teacher. Praying for you.
 
mebcb said:
If you are overweight, as you say, try losing a little bit at a time or at least try to get as healthy as possible. There is no way to change “short” unless you can wear heels. As far as respect is concerned even the Pope has detractors and critics. Respect is taught in the home and should be carried over into social, professional and cultural life. you might start each class with a “how was your day?” and share a little of your own day or life. Not too much 'though. For students, teachers are usually a “mystery” to young minds. Show some interest in the lives of your students and how they interact outside of class. Don’t overdo it. Respect will come and you will be more relaxed over time. Not everything is learned from books and structure. Kids love a happy teacher. Praying for you.
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I would really caution the OP not to overshare, especially if his day or his interests would not impress a room full of cynical 15-year-olds.

True story: when I was a graduate student, I took a French translation course taught by a woman who passed around a photo of a red cabbage that had flowered in her fridge. Not kidding–she really did that!
 
I usually just respect myself and be comfortable in my own shoes. The people who’ve followed suit turned out to be the right kind of people and those who didn’t weren’t commanding much respect themselves.

That’s just my experience though. Take from it what you will. 🤷
 
In your shoes, I’d find a mentor on the staff, if I could. More experienced teachers are usually pleased to help new teachers who feel they have been thrown into the deep end of the pool, because most of the good ones had someone to mentor them when they were new and unsure of themselves.

I can assure you that even the most self-confident of us can feel totally inept the first time we have a hand at running a classroom single-handedly, especially if we get a “tough crowd” of would-be hecklers who get their jollies out of making life hard on their teachers. If you can’t find anyone on the staff at your school, see if you can re-connect with a professor from college that helped you feel the most confident while you were in college. They’ll have ideas for you.
 
In general everyday life, you earn respect by having boundaries - if someone treats you in a way you don’t want to be treated, you inform them of that and then if they do it again, there’s a consequence. If you will be a doormat, people will walk on you. If you refuse, they generally won’t.

The same goes for teaching. Have a clear set of rules, and a clear set of consequences for not following the rules. An experienced mentor teacher can help you figure out what’s reasonable and what’s not. Then - and this is the hard part - follow through. You can also show that it’s worth their while to respect you - not that you manipulate them into good behavior, but students generally learn that if they behave themselves, class is more fun. If your ambitious, generally-like-school students see that your classroom is a place where learning happens (you might not even know that you have any students like that at the moment, but they are there), earning their respect will go a long way toward classroom management - they’ll want to listen to you and obey classroom rules because they want to learn. If they don’t think they’re going to learn, they’ll give up and let the disorderly kids rule.

In my experience, if you can do the above, then you’ll have all but the absolute hardest cases, and then it’s easier to see that their refusal to respect you says more about them than you.
 
Good points. So much comes into play its hard to gauge though on an individual basis. How others view us, and what they say may effect each of differently. For example an individual with a personality disorder may be emotionally distracted and engulfed by a simple incident of rejection. The next may quickly move past the minor issue. So its a two way street also with interaction and emotional stability.
 
pensmama87 said:
If your ambitious, generally-like-school students see that your classroom is a place where learning happens (you might not even know that you have any students like that at the moment, but they are there), earning their respect will go a long way toward classroom management - they’ll want to listen to you and obey classroom rules because they want to learn. If they don’t think they’re going to learn, they’ll give up and let the disorderly kids rule.

In my experience, if you can do the above, then you’ll have all but the absolute hardest cases, and then it’s easier to see that their refusal to respect you says more about them than you.
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Yes.
 
More to the point, realize that you have already earned the respect of your class. First off, as you have pointed out, you are a person who recognizes that every person in your class deserves respect. Having this attitude and showing it towards others, you have maintained standing to teach this and expect this for yourself. Furthermore, you have worked hard to complete your teaching degree, to obtain certification, and to get the job you have. You have been deemed worthy of it by your peers. It is not for a fifteen-year old to decide they know better. Finally, even if you were not qualified, you deserve to be treated with the respect due to the role you have been given.

In other words, find out from your colleagues how to demand the respect that you deserve and that your students need for you to claim for yourself for the sake of the class. Great social skills would make that easier (maybe–I don’t know your class!), but you don’t need to feel as if your class has some right to deem you unworthy of respect. They don’t have that right, and in fact they need to have you remind them otherwise, not only for your own sake, but for the sake of every socially-awkward member of that class. Ask your colleagues how to go about the arduous labor of driving that point home in a charitable and effective manner.
 
pensmama87 said:
If your ambitious, generally-like-school students see that your classroom is a place where learning happens (you might not even know that you have any students like that at the moment, but they are there), earning their respect will go a long way toward classroom management - they’ll want to listen to you and obey classroom rules because they want to learn. If they don’t think they’re going to learn, they’ll give up and let the disorderly kids rule.
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I guess that’s why I’m wondering what to do. I don’t know how to relate. I feel like i’m lacking some human construct to relate to people and make learning fun. Of course that makes me feel week and then people pick up on that, but why can’t people just be nice. Am i the only person (i know i’m not btw:) who doesn’t get why its fun to act mean and disrespectful to people for no reason. I guess i’m the type of person who has to have a reason for everything and don’t get why its fun to make fun and disrespect others.
 
EasterJoy said:
More to the point, realize that you have already earned the respect of your class. First off, as you have pointed out, you are a person who recognizes that every person in your class deserves respect. Having this attitude and showing it towards others, you have maintained standing to teach this and expect this for yourself. Furthermore, you have worked hard to complete your teaching degree, to obtain certification, and to get the job you have. You have been deemed worthy of it by your peers. It is not for a fifteen-year old to decide they know better. Finally, even if you were not qualified, you deserve to be treated with the respect due to the role you have been given.

In other words, find out from your colleagues how to demand the respect that you deserve and that your students need for you to claim for yourself for the sake of the class. Great social skills would make that easier (maybe–I don’t know your class!), but you don’t need to feel as if your class has some right to deem you unworthy of respect. They don’t have that right, and in fact they need to have you remind them otherwise, not only for your own sake, but for the sake of every socially-awkward member of that class. Ask your colleagues how to go about the arduous labor of driving that point home in a charitable and effective manner.
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I like what you are saying but sadly kids don’t care about respect of titles or anything like that. Sadly most people today are self centered and only care how they feel. Most kids would laugh if you tried to tell this to them and say how big of a loser you are. I’ve heard them say this about other teachers. I see bullying and disrespect on the rise, but the sad thing is kids who bully aren’t the ones from broken homes wearing leather jackets and asking for lunch money. There the popular kids making fun of anyone whose different. Also today you can’t really discipline kids anymore because parents get mad and say “oh your hurting my baby” and think their kids don’t do anything wrong

I really want to believe most kids are better than that but anymore I feel it isn’t that way anymore.
 
WildCatholic said:
I like what you are saying but sadly kids don’t care about respect of titles or anything like that. Sadly most people today are self centered and only care how they feel. Most kids would laugh if you tried to tell this to them and say how big of a loser you are. I’ve heard them say this about other teachers. I see bullying and disrespect on the rise, but the sad thing is kids who bully aren’t the ones from broken homes wearing leather jackets and asking for lunch money. There the popular kids making fun of anyone whose different. Also today you can’t really discipline kids anymore because parents get mad and say “oh your hurting my baby” and think their kids don’t do anything wrong

I really want to believe most kids are better than that but anymore I feel it isn’t that way anymore.
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They probably do not care about doing homework, either, and laugh at people who actually do it, but they are not the sheriffs in your town. You are. They may be lions, but you are the lion tamer. You can’t make them respect you, but you can teach them to stay on their lion-stools and keep their claws in check. You can enforce consequences for refusing to act like a someone who has civilized parents who taught them the basic manners needed to have a decent society, let alone a Christian one.

This is why I’d talk to some mentors at your actual school about how to maintain order and enforce the expectation that there will be a basic level of civility in your classroom at all times. New teachers are notorious for being either far too strict or far too lax. I will tell you this: Teachers do not have well-behaved students because the teacher is “cool” or “socially adept.” They have well-behaved students because they know how to set a realistically attainable standard good behavior and insist on it. Those are two different things. If you talk to more seasoned teachers at your school, you’ll have someone who can say, “I know the kids you are talking about. This is how you handle them.” Or they may say, “I know the class you are talking about. They are a bunch of hellions, and that is why you, the new guy, got stuck with them. None of the rest of us will have them again, not if we can help it. Hang in there. You can survive this, and survival ought to be your goal. Do not take them personally, because there is not one teacher in ten who can do a thing with them.” Then they may steer you to the English and math teachers for that class, and the three of you can commiserate and/or brainstorm (probably by turn…it could work out to be a LONG year).

That is what you do if you get the bad-apple class that has chosen to let the bullies run everything. If it is impossible to maintain discipline at your school as a whole because you do not have the backing of either the parents or the administration, find a new job at your first opportunity. Life is too short and your teaching career is too important to waste it at a place where you are not given the most basic tools necessary for doing your job. Being able to have the expectation that it is possible to maintain order in a classroom is one of those necessities. You deserve it, and you ought to be able to expect it. You have to do your part, too, but the possibility has to be there for you.
 
EasterJoy said:
They probably do not care about doing homework, either, and laugh at people who actually do it, but they are not the sheriffs in your town. You are. They may be lions, but you are the lion tamer. You can’t make them respect you, but you can teach them to stay on their lion-stools and keep their claws in check. You can enforce consequences for refusing to act like a someone who has civilized parents who taught them the basic manners needed to have a decent society, let alone a Christian one.

This is why I’d talk to some mentors at your actual school about how to maintain order and enforce the expectation that there will be a basic level of civility in your classroom at all times. New teachers are notorious for being either far too strict or far too lax. I will tell you this:** Teachers do not have well-behaved students because the teacher is “cool” or “socially adept.” They have well-behaved students because they know how to set a realistically attainable standard good behavior and insist on it. Those are two different things.** If you talk to more seasoned teachers at your school, you’ll have someone who can say, “I know the kids you are talking about. This is how you handle them.” Or they may say, “I know the class you are talking about. They are a bunch of hellions, and that is why you, the new guy, got stuck with them. None of the rest of us will have them again, not if we can help it. Hang in there. You can survive this, and survival ought to be your goal. Do not take them personally, because there is not one teacher in ten who can do a thing with them.” Then they may steer you to the English and math teachers for that class, and the three of you can commiserate and/or brainstorm (probably by turn…it could work out to be a LONG year).

That is what you do if you get the bad-apple class that has chosen to let the bullies run everything. If it is impossible to maintain discipline at your school as a whole because you do not have the backing of either the parents or the administration, find a new job at your first opportunity. Life is too short and your teaching career is too important to waste it at a place where you are not given the most basic tools necessary for doing your job. Being able to have the expectation that it is possible to maintain order in a classroom is one of those necessities. You deserve it, and you ought to be able to expect it. You have to do your part, too, but the possibility has to be there for you.
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Yes, yes, yes! To all of this, but especially the bolded.

I had several teachers I liked, but I liked them as a teacher. I didn’t like them the same way I liked my friends. I liked them because they valued me as a student, and because they knew the subject matter, and wanted to share it, and could do it well. They still had lots of students who disliked them, but that dislike was going to be there no matter what. Might as well make its impact less important.

I remember several people mentioned counseling in your other thread. Have you considered that? You might get some help on figuring out how to build a supportive group of friends. I suspect your classroom management would improve a lot if you weren’t interpreting interactions with students so personally. Judging yourself by the standards of teens is almost always going to be a huge letdown (and they’re usually pretty terrible standards, anyway).
 
pensmama87 said:
Yes, yes, yes! To all of this, but especially the bolded.

I had several teachers I liked, but I liked them as a teacher. I didn’t like them the same way I liked my friends. I liked them because they valued me as a student, and because they knew the subject matter, and wanted to share it, and could do it well. They still had lots of students who disliked them, but that dislike was going to be there no matter what. Might as well make its impact less important.

I remember several people mentioned counseling in your other thread. Have you considered that? You might get some help on figuring out how to build a supportive group of friends. I suspect your classroom management would improve a lot if you weren’t interpreting interactions with students so personally. Judging yourself by the standards of teens is almost always going to be a huge letdown (and they’re usually pretty terrible standards, anyway).
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The main thing is that he not leap to the conclusion that a crummy class means that he is a crummy teacher. Every teacher ought to look for ways to improve, but if you are not getting the respect of disrespectful people or the approval of people whose job it is to support you and bring you along in your profession, don’t condemn yourself. Find another situation where they know how to run a school, and work there. I have known many teachers who said they took a pay cut to get that, and they thanked themselves every day for doing it.

A classroom should be a safe place for everyone to teach and learn in peace, not a social combat zone where the self-worth of the most vulnerable is attacked every day. That is as true for teachers as it is for students. You deserve a safe place to work, OP. Learn how to insist on it. Don’t despair over your career. Give yourself credit for being at the very beginning of a lifetime of learning how to be a teacher, too. Your education is just beginning, and that is as it always is with teachers.
 
EasterJoy said:
The main thing is that he not leap to the conclusion that a crummy class means that he is a crummy teacher. Every teacher ought to look for ways to improve, but if you are not getting the respect of disrespectful people or the approval of people whose job it is to support you and bring you along in your profession, don’t condemn yourself. Find another situation where they know how to run a school, and work there. I have known many teachers who said they took a pay cut to get that, and they thanked themselves every day for doing it.

A classroom should be a safe place for everyone to teach and learn in peace, not a social combat zone where the self-worth of the most vulnerable is attacked every day. That is as true for teachers as it is for students. You deserve a safe place to work, OP. Learn how to insist on it. Don’t despair over your career. Give yourself credit for being at the very beginning of a lifetime of learning how to be a teacher, too. Your education is just beginning, and that is as it always is with teachers.
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Yes.
 
pensmama87 said:
I remember several people mentioned counseling in your other thread. Have you considered that? You might get some help on figuring out how to build a supportive group of friends. I suspect your classroom management would improve a lot if you weren’t interpreting interactions with students so personally. Judging yourself by the standards of teens is almost always going to be a huge letdown (and they’re usually pretty terrible standards, anyway).
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If he lives close to his alma mater, I’d suggest he go to his favorite former professors for advice and ideas where to get mentoring. Otherwise, I would be willing to bet any school of education would have at least someone willing to give him a bit of advice–maybe for the price of an occasionally lunch out at his expense. People who teach teachers tend to be very enthusiastic and giving people, when their schedule allows it.

If his feelings that he is not socially adept come only in the classroom–and trust me, many people thought they were pretty good with groups until they were put in front of a classroom!–then professional mentoring alone may do the trick. If this unpleasant and limiting feeling spreads to other facets of his life or affects other facets of his life, I’d absolutely suggest he find someone professional to talk to about it. Even if he could stand to develop more skills to have at his disposal for social interactions, a person who cares so much about others should not beat himself up for how he is in groups. Why would he, a teacher, beat up a person who really needs to learn more than anything else? He wouldn’t do that to anyone else in his shoes. He should not allow himself to do it to himself, either. “Love your neighbor as yourself” starts with a reasonable self-regard. (Humility, OTOH, is in that surprisingly difficult “keep it reasonable” part! :D)
 
EasterJoy said:
If he lives close to his alma mater, I’d suggest he go to his favorite former professors for advice and ideas where to get mentoring. If his feeling that he is not socially adept come only in the classroom–and trust me, many people thought they were pretty good with groups until they were put in front of a classroom!–then professional mentoring alone may do the trick. If this unpleasant feeling spreads to other facets of his life, I’d absolutely suggest he find someone professional to talk to about it. Even if he could stand to develop more skills to have at his disposal for social interactions, a person who cares so much about others should not beat himself up for how he is in groups. He wouldn’t do that to anyone else in his shoes. He should not allow himself to do it to himself, either. “Love your neighbor as yourself” starts with a reasonable self-regard. (Humility, OTOH, is in that surprisingly difficult “keep it reasonable” part! :D)
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I don’t know that I’d recommend going to education professors for classroom management advice. If they actually loved teaching K-12 and were good at it, that’s what they’d be doing right now.

I think colleagues and the OP’s former school teachers are a better bet.

Again, try Howard Glasser’s “Transforming the Difficult Child” and Ross Greene’s “The Explosive Child,” as well as Karen Pryor’s “Don’t Shoot the Dog!”
 
EasterJoy said:
The main thing is that he not leap to the conclusion that a crummy class means that he is a crummy teacher. Every teacher ought to look for ways to improve, but if you are not getting the respect of disrespectful people or the approval of people whose job it is to support you and bring you along in your profession, don’t condemn yourself. Find another situation where they know how to run a school, and work there. I have known many teachers who said they took a pay cut to get that, and they thanked themselves every day for doing it.

A classroom should be a safe place for everyone to teach and learn in peace, not a social combat zone where the self-worth of the most vulnerable is attacked every day. That is as true for teachers as it is for students. You deserve a safe place to work, OP. Learn how to insist on it. Don’t despair over your career. Give yourself credit for being at the very beginning of a lifetime of learning how to be a teacher, too. Your education is just beginning, and that is as it always is with teachers.
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Sad thing is I’m at the lowest pay scale possible because i’m in a small Catholic school where i’ve been told kids are “better” Of course I was also told by my cooperating teacher that I couldn’t control classes anywhere let a lone my student teaching school where it was a high minority highly transient district. And of course now i’m having trouble in a little podunk catholic school in the middle of nowhere.
My Admins are good but the problem is everyone is so busy since we all teach a full class load. And also don’t think i’m trying to be “cool” by being socially adept. I mean by socially adept that a teacher knows when kids are board and knows how to communicate and make kids learn. No one wants a teacher like Ben stein in Ferris Bueller or like Sheldon from the big bang theory who just keeps talking. A good teacher knows how to communicate and is confident. That isn’t my personality unfortunately. I guess i’m just some wimpy do gooder who thought he could change lives but so much for that
 
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