How do you feel about people setting you up?

[AllSeasons]

How do you feel about people, whether it be family, friends, etc., setting you up with someone? For me, on the one hand, I appreciate the gesture; on the other hand, it makes me a little sad. First, I guess I thought I’d be married by now. Then, it kind of feels like they’re taking pity on me, even though it may not be the case. I don’t know. I feel like saying, “OK people, I don’t need you to set me up. I can find my own woman.” It just feels awkward when they do. And it’s really hard to find an excuse to say no, when you know they mean well.

It’s easier with my parents, but with family friends and my own friends, it’s a little embarrassing. With my parents’ friends, it’s usually like, “So, are you seeing anyone right now?” And I’d be like, “No, not at the moment.” Then the lady would be like, “So, I know this girl who would be perfect for you.” Then I’d be doing an imaginary face-palm.

Then you have your married - or otherwise hitched-up - friends, who want to share their happiness by hooking you up with one of their friends. This just gets really awkward for me.

I know they mean well, but I just can’t bring myself to take up on these offers. Maybe it’s my pride, who knows? Would love to hear your thoughts. Thank you.

 

[Catholic1954]

Instead of telling them you (definitely) are not seeing anyone, just tell them that there is a girl or two that you are interested in, but haven’t gotten around to asking out yet. If they press you for more details, tell them you don’t want to say until after an actual first date, that will put you in the more “unavailabe” category, at least as far as your friends are concerned.

 

[hannajomar]

I used to answer, “no, I’m not seeing anyone, but I’m not really looking.” When I was single, so many people assumed I was desperate as well.

I agree that it’s awkward to be set up. When my husband and I thought two of our friends could be a match, instead of trying to set up a date, we just arraigned for them to meet at a barbeque at our house with other people around. They met, got along well, but there was no love connection.

 

[cheezey]

Instead of telling them you (definitely) are not seeing anyone, just tell them that there is a girl or two that you are interested in, but haven’t gotten around to asking out yet. If they press you for more details, tell them you don’t want to say until after an actual first date, that will put you in the more “unavailabe” category, at least as far as your friends are concerned.

All,
this is one way!!
I understand being set up can be a bit sad. This has happened twice to me.
The first time, I was a willing participant, despite my shyness and awkwardness. We dream of bettter ways to meet people, but it just doesn’t always happen as we dream it will. I now know that this is ok, despite the awkwardness.
It is also ok to make it known that you would rather not be set up. The above way is a good way…
The second time for me was a group dinner. Then people started to conveniently bow out til it was just one + me at the last minute. I was obviously set up.
I married him.
I also divorced him.
I am not shy anymore.
I would not be set up again. If anyone tried, I walked out. But that’s just my situation.

Go with your heart.
Blessings

 

[Anglewannabe]

I don’t know how old you are and this probably is not what you want to hear, but the good thing in my case is after 35, people quit bothering me about being single. The good thing about being 43 and single is people don’t pressure me about meeting someone like they use to when in my 20s/early 30s.

If someone asked you if you are seeing someone (and I found even if I was I still hated the question) if you want to answer honestly and politely ‘no’, that is fine. But my approach now, if it was to happen is to way ‘Can we please talk about something else’. I try my best not to engage in these conversations.

Yes it is awkward. I don’t know if it is pride half as much as people sticking their nose into your personal business. When I see a married person I never ask ‘So how is your marriage going?’. I don’t expect them to tell me the personal details of their intimate life so why should I share mine?

Angie

 

[nodito]

Why not just get set up?

I mean, that’s how people meet other people. Your friends know you, know what you’re like, how you’d get along with. If they know someone who might be a good match, and you are interested in dating and eventually marriage, why not go for it?

I guess I don’t get why it needs to be awkward or embarassing. It seems a lot nicer (and more practical, more likely to end well) to be introduced to someone that could be a good match than to just stumble across someone at the grocery store or library or at a bar. Just my two cents.

 

[Anglewannabe]

. Your friends know you, know what you’re like, how you’d get along with. If they know someone who might be a good match, and you are interested in dating and eventually marriage, why not go for it?

.

In my case, nothing could be further from the truth. My friends thought that because I was a practicing Catholic, any man who went to church was a good match. They never stopped to consider that physically he was not my type, hobbies were different, spending habits different etc

Or, they would just set me up with someone they knew because the pool of single men was small so they would just try anyone.

Once I suspect one girl tried to set me up with a guy because this guy was interested in her and she was just trying to get him off her back.

Just because someone is your friend does not mean they can get into your heart and know your feelings

Angie

 

[cheezey]

Why not just get set up?

I mean, that’s how people meet other people. Your friends know you, know what you’re like, how you’d get along with. If they know someone who might be a good match, and you are interested in dating and eventually marriage, why not go for it?

I guess I don’t get why it needs to be awkward or embarassing. It seems a lot nicer (and more practical, more likely to end well) to be introduced to someone that could be a good match than to just stumble across someone at the grocery store or library or at a bar. Just my two cents.

I think we are discussing purposeful set ups, i.e., “Let’s get Mary and John to the party and the rest of us will leave to get them to talk to each other!!” VS. “We are all here at the party, everyone should be properly introduced. Oh, look! Mary and John just happen to be hitting it off well! Isn’t that nice!”
Awkwardness comes with the former. A mere introduction is the latter…no pressure.

 

[erica2001]

I don’t think that it’s sad to be set up by family or friends, but I think that there is a really big misconception that single=lonely and miserable. For most single people that definitely is not the case. I just make it a point to let people know that yes I am single, but I am not currently looking. That seems to drop the topic quickly.
I have had a friend years ago that set me up with one of their friends and it was the worst experience of my life. I have let anyone set me up since then. The guy was rude, continuously insulted me or gave me back handed compliments, etc… The thing that really got me was that he tried to blame me for the bad evening. I had to quickly let my friend know exactly what happened.
If you do have someone set you up then it needs to be a family member or friend that knows your likes/dislikes and someone that you trust enough to set you up with a good person. Just keep in mind though the family and friends that do want to set you up really do have good intentions and just want to see you happy.

 

[Iron_Donkey]

Why not just get set up?

I mean, that’s how people meet other people. Your friends know you, know what you’re like, how you’d get along with. If they know someone who might be a good match, and you are interested in dating and eventually marriage, why not go for it?

I guess I don’t get why it needs to be awkward or embarassing. It seems a lot nicer (and more practical, more likely to end well) to be introduced to someone that could be a good match than to just stumble across someone at the grocery store or library or at a bar. Just my two cents.

I agree that there is nothing wrong with getting set up, and that it can be a good way to meet people, but there’s also no reason to put up with it if you don’t want to. But I wouldn’t reject because of some sense that you shouldn’t need it, that I think is misguided. But again, no reason to put up with it if it if you don’t want to.

 

[opera]

For me personally I love being set up. I find it very hard to meet good, orthodox Catholic men who feel called to marriage, who feel attracted to me and I to them, etc. I like the fact that I know someone who knows the person I’m going out with- as a woman, safety may be more of a concern to me than to a man. In my case I’ve never been tricked into a set-up as others have described. That is definitely not the way for family and friends to go about it.

I don’t think set ups are desperate at all. A Catholic convert friend of mine once said that before becoming Catholic, it was so much easier to find a date. The reason, she explained, was because before becoming Catholic she had no standards. Her point was that in faithfully following the Catholic Faith, one is going to have a lot of difficulty fulfilling ones vocation to marriage in this society. We need all the help we can get. There are those that get lucky and meet the right person at the “right age” without any help, but that’s becoming more and more rare.

That being said, if set ups really bother you, you have a perfect right to tell people that you don’t do set ups. I know others who have reservations about them too.

One last thought, I have wondered if the reason I haven’t meet the right man yet is because he is resisting a set up. There’s a long story behind my theory on this which I won’t go into, but I have good reason for thinking this, and somewhere out there some woman that God intends you to be with may be wondering the same thing- just something to think about.

 

[nodito]

In my case, nothing could be further from the truth. My friends thought that because I was a practicing Catholic, any man who went to church was a good match. They never stopped to consider that physically he was not my type, hobbies were different, spending habits different etc.

Just because someone is your friend does not mean they can get into your heart and know your feelings

I probably wouldn’t have acceptd a set up from someone who doesn’t know me well enough to know that a faithful Catholic would have been a requirement. But I also don’t think it’s necessary that they “get into your heart and know your feelings.” It should be enough to know personalities, education levels, faith, etc.

I have a close girl friend who is single. She’s really is a catch. But she’s having trouble meeting good Catholic guys in her line of work. I met a Catholic guy while teaching CCD. He gives talks to teens about Theology of the Body. I knew him enough to know his school background, hobbies, the importance of faith in his life. I didn’t know his spending habits or future dreams, but I still think they would have have been a good fit. But he didn’t want to get set up so it’s possible they’ll never meet. It’s too bad, in my opinion.

cheezey:

I think we are discussing purposeful set ups, i.e., “Let’s get Mary and John to the party and the rest of us will leave to get them to talk to each other!!” VS. “We are all here at the party, everyone should be properly introduced. Oh, look! Mary and John just happen to be hitting it off well! Isn’t that nice!”
Awkwardness comes with the former. A mere introduction is the latter…no pressure.

The first example sounds so juvenile. Do adults do that?

I was talking about formal set ups. But in my mind, it’s something like, “John, I have a good friend who’s into a lot of the same things you are. We’re having a dinner party Friday night and she’ll be there. Would you like to come so I can introduce you?” Mary gets a similar heads up that she’ll be introduced to a guy she might like. When they arrive, you introduce them and there’s no pressure. They know they’re being set up and that the host thinks they’d be a nice match, but if they don’t hit it off they can just enjoy the party. I certainly wouldn’t expect anyone to stand around and whisper about them. In fact, I probably wouldn’t tell anyone else at the party I was trying to set them up at all.

 

[cheezey]

…The first example sounds so juvenile. Do adults do that?

I was talking about formal set ups…I certainly wouldn’t expect anyone to stand around and whisper about them. In fact, I probably wouldn’t tell anyone else at the party I was trying to set them up at all.

Not perfectly stated as I am not good at faking or recreating scenarios off the cuff. But yes, it was an adult - 30s in fact - who did this to me. It was meant to be a group dinner and she called everyone but the couple in question to cancel so future husband and I would be alone. It worked. Getting the date she wanted me to have, that is.
(Had to divorce him.) She does tend to be juvenile, but that’s just her. Hopefully she is in the minority!
I figured you meant formal setups, BTW. I was just mentioning pressure vs no pressure…

 

[Bruised_Reed]

It depends. Mostly friends talk about it and it never goes beyond that. Once I was told I was “too nice to be single…we should find somebody for you…” and then in a conspiratorial tone, “don’t date [mutual friends’s friend].” (Too late.)

Lately, a friend (who should really know better) has been saying, “you should meet so-and-so.” Um, no. One guy is waaaaaay too young (she’s not really sure how old he is so I might actually be old enough to be his mother for all she knows) and the other? “He’s such a good dad…he went through a bad divorce… but he is soo nice…” Divorced? This friend is Catholic and frets about who her kids’ date/marry because of prior marriages so Whiskey Tango Foxtrot? And I actually know the guy. I had reason to talk with him regularly. I know he was violent toward his ex. No, he is not “a catch.” Do a background check, please. I suspect she talked to him about me because he suddenly stopped being completely hostile toward me. That thought kind of makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry.

BTW these kinds of conversations are usually preceded by me doing something nice for that particular friend; I’m going to stop doing nice things for people if they keep -]threatening to/-] talking about fixing me up.

 

[Anglewannabe]

I probably wouldn’t have acceptd a set up from someone who doesn’t know me well enough to know that a faithful Catholic would have been a requirement. But I also don’t think it’s necessary that they “get into your heart and know your feelings.” It should be enough to know personalities, education levels, faith, etc.

.

These friends knew a requirement was a faithful Catholic and they wanted to set me up with faithful Catholics. But what they did not realize is ‘faithful Catholic’ is not the only requirement and there are other things to consider.

IMO personalities, education levels faith etc are NOT good enough requirements. sometimes people need a partner that is opposite from them and having too much in common is no going to work.

 

[nodito]

IMO personalities, education levels faith etc are NOT good enough requirements. sometimes people need a partner that is opposite from them and having too much in common is no going to work.

I absolutely agree. It’s the job of the dating couple to discern whether they are called to marriage with each other. But they have to meet each other first. And I think it’s perfectly appropriate to set up friends when you know just the basics and then let them figure out the rest.

In other words, when I introduce Mary to John, I’m not claiming they should get married or even that they’ll start dating. I’m just introducing her to someone I know who is around her age, shares her faith, has similar interests, and might be compatible. I think they are a lot more likely to start dating and get along than two random people meeting at a coffee shop.

 

[LaMusicaSenior]

How do you feel about people, whether it be family, friends, etc., setting you up with someone? For me, on the one hand, I appreciate the gesture; on the other hand, it makes me a little sad. First, I guess I thought I’d be married by now. Then, it kind of feels like they’re taking pity on me, even though it may not be the case. I don’t know. I feel like saying, “OK people, I don’t need you to set me up. I can find my own woman.” It just feels awkward when they do. And it’s really hard to find an excuse to say no, when you know they mean well.

It’s easier with my parents, but with family friends and my own friends, it’s a little embarrassing. With my parents’ friends, it’s usually like, “So, are you seeing anyone right now?” And I’d be like, “No, not at the moment.” Then the lady would be like, “So, I know this girl who would be perfect for you.” Then I’d be doing an imaginary face-palm.

Then you have your married - or otherwise hitched-up - friends, who want to share their happiness by hooking you up with one of their friends. This just gets really awkward for me.

I know they mean well, but I just can’t bring myself to take up on these offers. Maybe it’s my pride, who knows? Would love to hear your thoughts. Thank you.

I just started college, am turning 18, and I think it’s the goal of all around me to get me set up and married

I don’t mind - I’m pretty shy myself, so someone calling me over in a group setting and saying “Hey, here’s my friend ______, let me introduce you to him - you’ve got some similar goals and seem like you would hit it off great!” In fact, I love when that happens.

It’s always amusing for me to watch the Catholic adults in my life introduce and push me towards a relationship. I’d understand it better if I was in my 20’s - but I’m still a couple of years out from marriage.

On the bonus side, all the guys I’ve been introduced to have proven to be great Catholic guys and good friendships to start. But let me tell you: it’s hard to work to view guys as brothers in Christ when everyone around you is pushing you to see them all as potential husbands .

All in God’s timing!

Chloe M.