How do you feel about sleep-overs?

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Another thread got me wondering- how do you feel about sleep-overs for your kids? It seems to me the biggest fear is sexual abuse. Blame that on Dr. Phil. We just don’t know if a child’s siblings or other family members could be sexual predators. I would invite all the kids to my house, but I’m not sure that I’d want my young children sleeping at someone else’s house. Thoughts???
 
Wow Steph!! I was just thinking today about starting a thread very much like this one. I’m not a big fan of sleepovers. It seems whenever one of my kids play with a friend (including my 5-year-old), they ask if they can sleep over or the friend asks to sleep over here. It seems every birthday party is a big slumber party theme. I think playing together after school for awhile or on the weekends playing for most the day is just fine. I like my kids in their own beds at night. To have a kid here overnight means that they are up half the night giggling and no one here gets any sleep (we have a small house with rooms all close together).

As far as the sexual abuse thing goes, you just never know these days. Half of my kids friends have stepparents or older siblings that I don’t know well. I have to really know the parents and other family members to let my kid sleepover. Even when I know them fairly well, I feel anxious the whole night that my kid is away. Don’t get me wrong, I have let them sleepover and we’ve had a few sleepover here, but it’s just not my favorite thing and I have become less and less likely to allow it. I know. I’m a big old meany mommy.

God Bless
Giannawannabe
 
I’ve always been fine with sleepovers…as long as they were at my house. We had a 20’ by 50’ rec room built so that the kids would come to our house and I could keep an eye on them. We put a huge TV and a pool table, etc. to make sure we had some place fun to be. We always have teenagers and kids of all ages coming and going at our house. I do not like them away from home at night.
 
I avoid them as much as possible. I went through this experience with my older daughter who is now in college, and I intend to use what I learned in raising the next three. First of all, there is something about the atmosphere of a sleepover that changes everything. If they were just going to go to sleep like they normally would and waking up in the morning and having more time to play that would be one thing, but it never goes like that. There’s always the idea that this has to be something exciting and that we’ve got to do something to make it exciting. There’s something about the thrill of sneaking around when everyone else is sleeping. Sometimes that’s just eating junk and staying up late, other times it is something more. If there are more than two kids, unfortunately the conversations usually end up on a subject that they have no business discussing. If it is a group, even if one child doesn’t approve, they are rarely strong enough to take the conversation in another direction. If there’s access to a TV, there’s access to the late night shows that are highly inappropriate (and some really awful things you may not even realize are on TV late at night–I remember being shocked a few times while up late with a sick baby.) If you’re asleep, there’s no way you can monitor a TV if there is a group sleeping in the recroom. Even if you have someone over and know you’re going to be on top of everything, there is going to be an expectation of reciprocation and that can be a real problem. It is your duty to protect your child. Are you really so confident in his/her ability to protect themself that you think they have the power to fend off a sexual assault? Are you really so comfortable with this family that he/she will be staying with that you are sure that none of them are sexual predators (you can’t tell by looks!), that there isn’t pornographic material in the home, that they don’t have sex manuals on their shelves or videos or whatever that your child might have access to late at night when judgment is impaired by sleep deprivation and peer pressure? What friends might an older sibling have over in the house that you are unaware of? Is sleeping over so important and so beneficial that you are willing to take a chance? What is there to do at night that can’t be done during the day? I once let my daughter stay over night for a girl’s birthday party. I was fairly familiar with the girl and her family and she seemed wholesome enough, but later I found out that the conversation had turned to her menstrual problems and how she was on birth control to regulate her cycles. There is just something about the atmosphere that removes the inhibitions that normally accompany conversations in the day. My daughter then thought that maybe this was also the answer to her problems and wanted me to see about using the pill for her also. Obviously, this was not the kind of evening I was expecting. I have let my older children spend the night on occasion, but only with another family that I know very, very well and have expressly discussed my expectations with the parents–and I mean expressly! I’m not shy about it at all anymore. I am also very up-front with my children about who I will and will not consider so that they know in advance that they shouldn’t encourage that kind of relationship with certain friends. I also don’t get into discussions with the parents or the friends which try to justify my position. I am just very firm that this is something I don’t allow my children to do. I also do not allow my daughters to babysit for just anyone who calls for many of the same reasons. This is just a different world than it used to be and you have to be proactive in protecting your kids. I’ve always said at least in the pioneer days, Ma and Pa Ingalls could recognize a panther when they saw it and no one faulted them for shooting it to protect their family. You cannot tell a sexual predator by his (or her!) looks and you’re not allowed to shoot them even when you know who they are. If you doubt the seriousness of the situation, read the headlines in Florida.
 
We were never allowed to have sleepovers.

I remember being away at college and even then thinking it was weird when after a party or some late-night thing, everyone would just crash in the same dorm room. I always preferred to be in my own bed. However, as a child I thought I was soooooooooooo “abused” 😉 for not being allowed to spend the night anywhere. Now I am sooooooooooooooo grateful that my parents were careful and cautious with us kids.
 
I was never allowed to go to sleepovers…I never slept at anyone else’s house that wasn’t a family members till I was 18. My Dad wouldn’t allow it. (My Mom didn’t like the idea either.) They were just very protective of us. I always wondered when I was little why they wouldn’t let me, they were just being mean, etc., but now that I’m older I recognize their reasons for doing what they did. Unfortunately nowadays you just can’t be too careful. Even with the families in good neighborhoods and they knew the parents, I think they just weren’t comfortable leaving their children away from where they could protect us at night.

Now that I’m old enough to start thinking about having kids of my own, the thought of leaving my kids at someone else’s house for the night is just not too appealing. I understand parents reasons for not allowing it.
I think I’ll just let my kids bring everyone to my house and deal with the sleepless night. That way they aren’t missing out on the sleepover experience totally.

🙂
 
I tend to agree with all the posts so far. I was allowed to sleep over at all my friends’ houses growing up. I never really thought about it until recently. It’s just a scary thought, having my children away all night at someone else’s home. I’m sure we’ll have endless fights about it and my children will think I’m the wicked witch, but that’s OK. Hopefully they’ll understand someday.
 
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MooCowSteph:
We just don’t know if a child’s siblings or other family members could be sexual predators. I would invite all the kids to my house…
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Of course, then the other family would have to trust that you’re not a sexual predator…
 
assuming your speaking “same sex” sleep-overs? (in today’s world you better ask)… i fail to see the gain for the risk…
 
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Timidity:
Of course, then the other family would have to trust that you’re not a sexual predator…
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yes, they would and that’s their risk to judge. In my experience, most families are not too concerned about that risk or have not even thought about it. I wouldn’t be at all offended if my child’s friends were not allowed to sleep over. I’d probably like it since it would make my child feel less left out.
 
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LoneRanger:
assuming your speaking “same sex” sleep-overs? (in today’s world you better ask)… i fail to see the gain for the risk…
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I would be mostly concerned about older brothers, perhaps older brothers’ friends or maybe visiting familiy members.
 
I am not the type of Mom who feels the need for “:sleep-overs”. I think they are way over-emphasized. Kids get NO sleep, parents don’t sleep a wink that nite, house is left a total and complete mess, kids inevitably end up either watching too much TV or playing way too many video games, not good for them, so as you may see, I am totally opposed to them. There is no reason why a child needs to “sleep over” at another child’s house.

Just last week my 15 yo, asked if he could “spend the nite” with so and so. I know so and so’s parent, that she, a single mom, has had many a live-in boyfriend, that she lets him go wherever, do whatever, have free access to the net, and voila, my child would be in total disrepair, and who knows what? Forget it! Many of you parents could care less about such, but I do. I do not want my child, regardless of age being exposed to such, and I will make every attempt to keep him from such.

Another instance, I left my 11 yo after school with a friend, come to find out hours later, that a parent was not even present, rather they left to do errands, and he was home with a 16 yo old relative. HELLO? Who knows what could have happened? I feel parents MUST be cautious today!!! We must NOT let our kids go to a “friend’s house” unless we know the parent, and unless we can be guaranteed that parent is home, etc., and such and such. Why should we do otherwise? Do we just want a “babysitter” for our kids? Why do we even have them then, if we are so eager to pawn them off on a babysitter, day care, grandparents, etc., etc., any other relative, etc., while we run off to a job. God blessed US with our precious little ones. They are NOT the responsibility of someone else, relative or not, they are OUR blessing from above, and OUR responsibility.
 
We are in prom season now and in our area ‘coed sleepovers’ are very popular.

In past years, I’ve had parents call me and ask why my child cannot attend the boy-girl sleepover at thier homes.
This year my youngest daughter knows there will be no coed sleepovers after prom and no hotels, either. But that’s another topic…
 
My daughter used to cry that I wouldn’t let her sleep-over in her friends house at weekends.
Problem was I knew that the man of the house used to go out drinking, and bring his friends back to party.
One of them was supposed to have exposed himself to young girls, :mad: (decision made) no way young lady.
So I put my foot down with her, she’s now 22 with two children of her own, so I’m sure she understands better now, I wouldn’t recommend sleep-overs.
 
I let my daughter sleep over at one house only. They are family friends that are very involved with church - in fact, many weekends, depending on the season, we take the girls to reconciliation, stations of the cross etc. and then have the sleepover. It is a match made in heaven. The girls are in bed by 10:00 and there is no fooling around - ok, they are only 8 and 9, there’s not much they can do. I know the child, the parents, and the home and feel comfortable with this family only. She has had other invites that I have turned down, but when she complains I remind her that not everyone is trustworthy and she should be thankful that she has one friend to have a sleepover with. She is ok with this for now. Hoping this doesn’t change and she doesn’t become resentful!
 
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newf:
We are in prom season now and in our area ‘coed sleepovers’ are very popular.

In past years, I’ve had parents call me and ask why my child cannot attend the boy-girl sleepover at thier homes.
This year my youngest daughter knows there will be no coed sleepovers after prom and no hotels, either. But that’s another topic…
Click to expand...
It is the same in the Chicago area. When one of my daughters really wanted to go to a coed sleepover after a dance at school, I told her that she could have a later curfew but that I would be by to take her home and anyone else that needed a ride no matter where they lived. I figured I would help out a few others that night. She told me that she was the only one that couldn’t sleep over.

When I got to the parent supervised party at 1:30am, I had a car full to take home. I was driving all over but it was worth it. Apparently when I said no, then so did some others. I think sometimes it just takes one brave parent to stand up for what is right and it helps others to make the right choice.

I personally don’t allow too many sleepovers at the younger ages, and NONE once they can drive. At that age sleepovers are usually meaning that they go somewhere where this is no parents. That is never good. I learned with my oldest and some lessons we don’t forget!
 
I can’t even imagine going to a co-ed sleepover. My parents never would have allowed that, nor would any of my friends’ parents. I am only 24 and haven’t been out of highschool THAT long…and I’m shocked. never happened at my school.
 
Depends on the kids and parents involved, as well as the ages of the kids and the size of the group. And definitely NO co-ed sleepovers! What are parents thinking, allowing this?

I attended sleepovers at friends’s homes and had friends sleep at my home from elem. school through high school. All girls, usually from my Catholic elem. school or church teen group, all completely innocent fun. The worst we ever did was eat too much junk food, stay up all night, scare each other with ghost stories, or put the hand of the first girl to fall asleep in a bowl of warm water to make her wet the bed (which doesn’t work, by the way). Of course I was a complete goody two-shoes and hung out with similar girls, which explains the tameness of it all.
 
I’m glad to see that my husband and I are not alone in our opposition to sleep-overs. We were always adamant about not allowing our daughter to attend, and, oh, the crying and the pleading, and the “Everybody else is doing it!” we’d get from her. She’s 14 now, and entering high school in the Fall. I though we were finally done with this nonsense. But now, you say,we have to worry about co-ed sleep-overs? Oh, good grief.
 
Hi guys!

I suppose the question of whether to let one’s child sleep at a friend’s house for the night depends on a number of factors. Among them:
  • Do you know the parents and the environment that your child would be going into?
  • If you don’t, why don’t you at least know the parents?
As far as the likelihood of sexual abuse is concerned, regrettably, I know the opportunity for this outrage presents itself at a host of situations - not just sleep-overs. One cannot sequester one’s child away from every possible risk. What we can do is minimize the risk by controlling the risk factors as much as is reasonably possible.
 
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