How do you find love in your heart?

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How do you choose to love when you can’t find any love in your heart? How do you get over hurts and resentments enough to begin to trust?

I found out last year that my husband was secretly an alcoholic. I had no clue and I’ve been in shock and devastated ever since.

There have been so many lies and cover-ups. I can’t trust a thing he says.
He told me something he did while drunk – before we were married --and I haven’t been able to look at him the same way since. I never would have married him if I knew what he did, nor if I knew he was an alcoholic.

He is in recovery and has been sober almost a year. He is stronger but still totally unpredictable/erratic moods. He has anger issues and yells at our child for the smallest things (although he is always kind/gentle with me, so it’s confusing for me). I thought things would get better between us but they haven’t. He moved out for a couple months and I was much happier, but then he came back, for financial reasons and in hopes that we could work things out. I can’t decide if it’s better for our kid to have him here or not. I feel so bad that my child has to grow up like this. I don’t want to get divorced but I’m hating staying together. I never in a million years imagined things might end up like this.

I resent everything he says and does. I hate having him in my space and spend hours on the computer when he’s home so I don’t have to interact with him. We sleep in separate rooms and I cringe if he tries to hug or kiss me. This is no way to live and I hate who I am around him and hate myself for harboring so much resentment toward him but I am so hurt and scared that I can’t seem to find love in my heart.
 
I think the question of how do you find love in your heart is a good one. I have trouble with that too.

As part of a penance a few weeks back, a priest told me to do something charitable for somebody else. I’m pretty much of a loner, so I didn’t have anybody I could help. I’m also fairly poor (and only getting poorer - I’m unemployed with nothing coming in; money goes out but nothing comes in except for food stamps, which I am grateful for) but I decided to do a little bit of charitable giving anyway.

I made a donation at mass, but, due to the nature of my confession, I didn’t really think that this sort of anonymous charity was what the priest wanted from me. I decided that I would try to do something nice for somebody at an upcoming get together at the apartment complex I live at, but was foiled by terrible pain in my face (a toothache plus a hot sinus due to an allergy.)

Finally, on a day I had gone to see the dentist, I saw a homeless guy, a beggar. I saw him both going to and coming back from the dentist, and both times I passed him by. I had my doubts about giving him anything. I thought of the times I had heard that when they get money, how they just blow it on booze and so forth. But I also kicked myself for not having taken the opportunity to give him anything.

When I went back the next week though, I saw him again and this time I determined to just pray to God that he would, if I gave him money, use it for something slightly productive (like buying a sandwich or something instead of booze - I know that they sometimes buy food instead of blowing it on booze because in the past I saw a homeless [probably mentally ill] young woman buy chips and a sandwich at a Subway. Eventually that Subway kicked her out permanently because she kept doing things like purposely standing there and pouring her coffee on the floor).

On the way back, as traffic slowed at the light, I fished in my wallet for some cash, dug out $5, and as I was slowly climbing up the hill and going past him, I held my hand out the window with the $5. He nodded somewhat questioningly as if to say, “For me?” and as I passed I said somewhat gruffly, “That’s a 5”, and slapped it in his palm. I think he said “Thank you” as I passed, but since I had to keep moving I just kept on going, so I only had a brief impression.

He was remarkably dirty and unkempt, and though he was a white guy, his hands were brown with dirt and grime.

Not long after, I felt a peculiar elation that I had fulfilled my penance. I wondered, was this God’s grace being bestowed upon me? Why should I feel this way?

I don’t know. I’m just not a loving person. I take care of my cat and I took care of my late mother throughout her last years, but that’s about the size of it. No Padre Pio am I.

I did, as Monicad suggested, exercise my will do give up (grudgingly, I must admit, for I am afraid of ending up just like the homeless guy) some cash. And despite my rather gruff manner of donating to the guy, I think he was glad to get a little money. I did feel a big lift afterwards, so I wasn’t completely dead inside, but I don’t know exactly what that feeling was except for being able to call it elation.

But this brings me back to the question of the thread: what if you usually don’t feel anything? What if saying prayers doesn’t move you and what if giving is something you just don’t ever think of, or when you do you are either so afraid of your own future poverty (I can’t pay the rent with prayers) that you give virtually nothing at all and thus only feel like a cheapskate, or else you strangle the impulse entirely and give nothing at all, and then congratulate yourself on being realistic.

I would love to have vast wealth and give huge amounts of it away, but I’m pretty sure that isn’t going to happen. I’ll be lucky not to end up homeless myself in a few months.

So how do you feel love in your heart? In fact, how do you feel anything good at all?

Most of the time I’m very depressed, and I pray to God to end my life, to annihilate me, to make it as if I had never been born. My life really isn’t conducive to feeling much love in any way, shape, or form and I just feel like a waste of matter.
 
Monica has spoken well!

Draw your power to love also from the Sacraments- especially confession and the Eucharist.

Ask particularly for the Graces you need before receiving.

We can get so much grace, I think, as well by time spent in Eucharistic Adoration. Of ourselves, we are very poor, but Jesus can make us rich with his Grace.
 
I think you should try to figure out if your spouse is a good man who makes bad decisions or a bad man who occasionally does good things. I did not want to admit for a decade that my husband really did not have good character. He would lie and cheat and misuse our family money and make excuses for it. My children and I were not emotionally, spiritual or financial safe with him. He was very mean too. He is still all those things and I have been gone for 2 years. People give great advice about loving acts of kindness that I believe will work if your husband is a good man in some trouble. It will not work if his character or personality are bent.
I believe in miracles and in God’s grace but in 10 years nothing got better it actually got worse. I still love my husband but I could not continue to live with such chaos and fear.
Being on your own however is very hard so be sure that there is no grace to call upon to salvage your marriage before you walk away. Like I said nothing I did made things better and I prayed and went to a class on the teachings of JPII and went to therapy and quit my job to make sure everything was easy for him at home after work, I worked out, wore beautiful feminine clothes, cooked huge meals from scratch, prayed more. Finally I had to realize that there is a difference between giving up and knowing when it is time to stop the madness.
But like I said I still love him and wish him well. Sometimes I even day dream about us getting back together but then he sees our kid and yells at him or I find out that he has lied to me again. I know I cannot tolerate such behavior. I hpoe you find a loving heart in your man and you can stay. But one other thing, do not let someone hurt you child. It is your job to protect them.
Best of luck
 
acat said:
How do you choose to love when you can’t find any love in your heart? How do you get over hurts and resentments enough to begin to trust?

I found out last year that my husband was secretly an alcoholic. I had no clue and I’ve been in shock and devastated ever since.

There have been so many lies and cover-ups. I can’t trust a thing he says.
He told me something he did while drunk – before we were married --and I haven’t been able to look at him the same way since. I never would have married him if I knew what he did, nor if I knew he was an alcoholic.

He is in recovery and has been sober almost a year. He is stronger but still totally unpredictable/erratic moods. He has anger issues and yells at our child for the smallest things (although he is always kind/gentle with me, so it’s confusing for me). I thought things would get better between us but they haven’t. He moved out for a couple months and I was much happier, but then he came back, for financial reasons and in hopes that we could work things out. I can’t decide if it’s better for our kid to have him here or not. I feel so bad that my child has to grow up like this. I don’t want to get divorced but I’m hating staying together. I never in a million years imagined things might end up like this.

I resent everything he says and does. I hate having him in my space and spend hours on the computer when he’s home so I don’t have to interact with him. We sleep in separate rooms and I cringe if he tries to hug or kiss me. This is no way to live and I hate who I am around him and hate myself for harboring so much resentment toward him but I am so hurt and scared that I can’t seem to find love in my heart.
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I understand the pain you have been going through (walked a different walk, but the trust issue was the same).

In short, you need professional counseling by someone trained in marital counseling. And I am not referring to the local pastor, unless he has a Masters specifically in counseling.

Feelings are real and need to be dealt with. Feelings, however, are not the source nor the stability of marriage, and they are not love. Love is a choice, a Paul tells us; and confusing feelings of “love” with the choice of love leaves one, if not both parties in an unstable condition. And most unstable conditions do not stay unstable for long.

I would suspect that there may be something similar to Catholic Counseling Services near you; and if you can’t find that, try for Lutheran Counseling Services as both are faith based (which can’t be said for a lot of the “secular” marriage counselors).

You can get all sorts of counseling from friends, acquaintances, coworkers, relatives, in laws, outlaws, and now, people on the internet. And odds are, none of them have any training whatsoever in these matters; they all may be of good will, but their advice also can be disastrous.

You are struggling mightily. It sounds as if he is struggling mightily too. He has a lot of baggage to deal with; but you now have baggage that you are packing around. Continuing as you are (that is, stewing over this) will not help him in the least, and could add to the risk of his relapse. The sooner you can start to address your issues (and I am suggesting counseling for you, before the two of you start that direction), the greater the likelihood you may be able to resolve this positively.

And believe me, divorce is not positive.

Look to see if you have insurance that will cover some, or all of the counseling. many people are not aware that health insurance ill cover this. And if not, go anyway and present your financial position. Most counselors will find some way to work with you.
 
I was in the position of your child - I had a father who shouted at me without reason. I was hit for anything, anything at all - whether it was to do with me or not e.g. ‘Lovely news, Diana is engaged.’ BAM! Dent in the fridge door that happened to match the shape of my head.

Do not put your child in this position. I am 69, and still affected it by it. I used to pray that my mother would leave him and take me away from it all.
 
Are you going to Alanon meetings? I think your feelings are completely normal. I think hearing other spouses and family members describe similar feelings, and being able to share your own feelings in a space without guilt or shame, would be really helpful to you.

It’s hard for anyone to comment on a relationship that they don’t see. The only other thing I can say is that you can’t have the old marriage back (and it doesn’t sound like you’d want it, if it involved lies and coverups). But the two of you have an opportunity to build a new marriage, and it might be worth your while to try. I would recommend Alanon meetings and marriage counseling.
 
Thank you for all the thoughts.

When we first got married, I was very aware of “choosing” to love him. In other words, I did not fall in love with him, but chose to love him and build a life together.

I have tried acting more lovingly toward him. There are several complicating issues to physical affection. (For one, I am an abuse survivor, and kissing/hugging/etc. when I am feeling hurt/scared is a HUGE trigger for me.) Anyway, yes, I’ve tried acting kindly toward him, of course I try to be kind all of the time, though I am not always successful.

I do attend Al-Anon – or did, until recently, due to childcare issues. I have found it helpful in finding my own inner peace but not in rebuilding the relationship with my husband.

I do not trust him at all. Although I do believe the secret drinking has (probably) stopped, he is still lying to me about other things. I don’t know how to trust someone who cannot be trusted. I do not know how to lean on someone who is completely undependable and irresponsible. I do not know how to be “married” to someone I don’t even know and who isn’t even there half the time. He has made no effort to truly make amends to me… I think he said, “I’m sorry,” once, and one time blurted out an awful list of wrongdoings that still makes me sick to my stomach, and he considered that his “amends” even though there was no apology or action associated with it. ??? I think he is not understanding the steps and only working them on a superficial level, if at all. And for all I know, all these times he’s meeting with AA friends, he could be having an affair or something. That is how little trust I have… I’m afraid of any sort of intimacy with him because he could be hiding an STD.

We don’t talk about anything except his “issues” and AA stuff. There’s nothing else to him, he’s like a shell of a person at this point. He is not a co-parent; I parent our child alone. I make all household decisions alone and he has no interest in participating, won’t give his (name removed by moderator)ut even when pressed. His job is unstable and to be honest, that income is the only positive thing he is contributing to our family right now, so if he loses the job, he’s contributing nothing but pain.

I never thought we’d end up like this. For most of our marriage we were a close, happy, fun couple. We talked a lot, did things together, enjoyed each others’ company. Granted, he was lying to me about a lot of things during that time, but at least there was some feeling of connection. I believe in marriage and every time we had an argument I had to assure him I wouldn’t leave him. Now I understand that he was afraid that if I really knew what he was hiding, I’d be out that door in a heartbeat. And I feel like it’s coming to that. Every day I think to myself that I need to separate from him permanently. I know without a doubt that I would be 100 times happier without him. I can’t keep carrying on a one-sided relationship. But I know divorce is wrong. And I keep asking God why did he let this happen to me? And the answer I hear deep in my heart is, “He was never yours.” And that makes me so angry and sad and confused and hurt. I have kept a strong faith in God through years of abuse, through many hospitalization, through cancer treatment, infertility, job losses and financial troubles, all sorts of awful stuff. I felt like I never got a break from all the struggles, but I leaned on God. My husband being “taken” from me (that’s what it feels like, even if we stay together, the person I married is gone, or never existed) was just the last straw and has really shaken my faith.

This all hurts so much.
 
An update…

My husband and I have been separated for a month or two now. Although it is hard being a single mom (again, as this is our second separation this year!) and finances are a disaster, my life is in every other way a million times better and more stable.

When we separated, we agreed to a 6-month separation, where he would go to therapy etc. and try to get to a stronger point in his healing/recovery, and then we’d consider marriage counseling.

But already I cannot even imagine marriage counseling. What would be the point? We do not have differences of opinion or an issue we can’t agree upon. We have him, a total stranger to me and not at all up to handling adult responsibilities, and me, hurt and scared and completely untrusting. I don’t see a way to reconcile. I can’t fathom sharing a bed or kissing or hugging (never mind deeper intimacy). Every time I even think about it, I have the awful image in my head of the secret he told me (which was something of a sexual nature, involving an animal) and I just want to vomit. It isn’t even about forgiveness, as this isn’t really mine to forgive. I feel if he had been upfront about this secret, and about his drinking, etc. then I never would have married him. I can’t live with someone I can’t trust and can’t even look in the eye without feeling sick. I can’t un-know what I now know. I wish I didn’t know it, wish he didn’t tell me if he intended to reconcile with God and all, that should have been his secret to live with, not mine.

I don’t know what to do. I know divorce is wrong but staying in a marriage when I am absolutely disgusted with and scared of my husband feels wrong too. I feel like I’ve tried so hard for so long to forgive and move on. The drinking, stealing, etc. I could forgive. The deception is harder. The deception leading to our marriage is incredibly painful. I’ve been living with this man for nearly 10 years and I’ve spent all of that time trying to be better, trying to be more loving, working on my own issues so that they wouldn’t hurt our marriage, talking, discussing, being open about every little thing so that we would have a solid relationship. But it was all one-sided. He let me think I was the dysfunctional one when he was hiding so much. I am just devastated and can’t see a way to move on from this. I can’t see how to fix things when it is so totally smashed to smithereens.
 
Dear sister,
I’m so sorry you are going through this.
After nine years of marriage and two children, I divorced my first husband and later got an annulment. It was certainly very painful, but I also felt relief, since I no longer had someone threatening to kill or beat me, and telling me I was worthless.
The pain will pass. You and your child will go on to lead happy lives, and you will look back on this as a time that you took care of yourself and your child, and became stronger.
I waited for four years to reconcile, going to counseling with and without him most of that time, until he told me he was living with someone. At that point I applied for a divorce. The annulment did not take long, It sounds like you also may have grounds for that, considering the deception.
You will move on past this one day at a time, hopefully with the support of friends and family who love you. One day you will be able to look back and it will be history.
I suggest you talk to a wise priest. God hates divorce, but that is because it hurts people that He loves. He would not want you to stay in a relationship such as you describe.
God bless.
 
I would suggest you talk about ur marriage with a psychologist to deyermine whether you should be in the situation. The church does not require partners to stay in abusive marriages, & you even might qualify for an annulment. I dont think anyone here is an aurhorised marriage counselor, & so while they may have the best intentions, its not really the environment you should rely on. If you really want help re. your marriage, then see a psychologist; both you & your husband.
 
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