How do you forgive a family member that

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schaubj57

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I had a family member that by their actions essentially ruined my life.

Now you’re reading this thinking how that could be possible. Well, the person was a male family member (not a parent) that molested and raped me, another male family member for a three year period. I hid the secret and the shame for over a decade and a half before anyone knew. I still have noting but hate and rage towards this person as they robbed me of the ability to grow up and have what is considered a “normal life”. I never dated until I was 21, was very awkward around women in high school/college, and I had massive trust issues.

I’m 36 now, practically given up on dating because whomever I try to date often flees whenever this get revealed to them. One person who hasn’t fled is off limits due to her past marriages. This ordeal has strained my relationship with my parents as well.

I don’t really know if I can forgive because the hate I have felt has gotten me this far in life. Without that hatred, I honestly do not think I would be here writing this.

So I ask, how does one forgive an act of unbelievable horror? I know others have been where I am and hope they would share their experience with me and give me hope that things will turn out correctly.
 
I’ve never been exactly there, but I have had a couple of major events to get through over the years. I think that if you get your life on track, you will find it much easier to let go. Unfortunately, it may be impossible to get your life on track without letting go. Which is a problem.

With regard to your dating, it may be not so much the content of your disclosure that scared women off, but the manner of communication. Have you been able to practice how to share this with a counselor? “I was molested as a child, but I’ve done blah blah blah to put my life together and move on” said calmly sounds way different to a romantic prospect than “I was molested and a child and it’s wrecked my life forever.”

With regard to your dating history, please bear in mind that many, many people are socially awkward and late bloomers with regard to dating without having been sexually abused. In fact, starting to date at 21 isn’t really that late. And being involuntarily single at 36 is unfortunately not that unusual these days.

It’s kind of lame to say, “do more counseling,” but that’s really the only answer. This isn’t something you can manage by yourself if you’ve been struggling with it for so many years. I’m sure you’ve done some sort of counseling, but have you worked with a cognitive behavioral therapist? Be very careful to avoid retraumatizing yourself accidentally, and interview your therapist in advance to make sure that they’re not the type to just have you retell your trauma at length and then ask you, “How did that make you feel?” since what you need is help getting out of your trauma, not the opportunity to spend more time in it.

Good luck!
 
schaubj57 said:
I had a family member that by their actions essentially ruined my life.

Now you’re reading this thinking how that could be possible. Well, the person was a male family member (not a parent) that molested and raped me, another male family member for a three year period. I hid the secret and the shame for over a decade and a half before anyone knew. I still have noting but hate and rage towards this person as they robbed me of the ability to grow up and have what is considered a “normal life”. I never dated until I was 21, was very awkward around women in high school/college, and I had massive trust issues.

I’m 36 now, practically given up on dating because whomever I try to date often flees whenever this get revealed to them. One person who hasn’t fled is off limits due to her past marriages. This ordeal has strained my relationship with my parents as well.

I don’t really know if I can forgive because the hate I have felt has gotten me this far in life. Without that hatred, I honestly do not think I would be here writing this.

So I ask, how does one forgive an act of unbelievable horror? I know others have been where I am and hope they would share their experience with me and give me hope that things will turn out correctly.
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I think if I had been through that, I would start by getting counseling for the trauma, possibly medication if I needed it. I would try to work on the issues, get the emotions and hurt out. Sometimes, just talking about it with an empathic person can even be therapeutic.

As to forgiveness, forgiveness also doesn´t mean allowing a criminal out of jail, for instance.

There are different ways to forgive. Sometimes, knowing the reason why a person did these things, his background, is helpful.

I knew of one true case where a teen had been tied down, raped by a teacher. He was in a fetal position for about a month! Anyway, later on, he got into all kinds of things, drugs, to try to stop the pain, and sold himself into prostitution with other men, to pay for the drugs.

Then, one time, he was with a group of friends, they were raping a kid, and although he wasn´t participating, he didn´t intervene, and was even laughing.

Not always, but at least sometimes, people who do things things, were, themselves, from very dysfunctional families, themselves. Realizing that doesn´t change anything but can sometimes help put things into perspective.

Then, we can also try to recall our worst sins, and how we have felt when we were forgiven.

I read that some people can recall events, hit something…even if it’s only a pillow, scream, cry.

Some people write out their feelings to get it out.

Some recall the events, imagine the victimizer being punished for the crimes, in full, whatever your imagined punishment for that might be, for example.

Some go to support groups, look to others and how they have managed to forgive.

One could go online, or in books, read accounts on how people forgave, got on with their lives.

There are a lot of ways, probably.

I once had a really powerful experience with forgiveness once when I was watching a movie that had the crucifixion of Christ. I realized if he could forgive us, everything, when he was innocent, and we were guilty, I could also forgive everybody. At the time, I did just that. I forgave. I didn´t even go to any and say, “I forgive you”. I simply did it. Nothing changed except within myself.
 
schaubj57 said:
I don’t really know if I can forgive because the hate I have felt has gotten me this far in life. Without that hatred, I honestly do not think I would be here writing this.

.
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That is very insightful of you. Hatred and anger are like rushes of adrenaline that can get us out of an emergency. However, as you seem to be realizing, in the long run they do much more harm than good.

First of all, forgiving does NOT mean excusing the behaviour. Also, it is quite acceptable to forgive in one’s heart yet refuse to be near the person.

The only real way is heal is to pray to God to be with you in your pain and to ask Him to heal it. Very easy to put in words but much harder to put into practices

God Bless

Angie
 
schaubj57 said:
I had a family member that by their actions essentially ruined my life.

Now you’re reading this thinking how that could be possible. Well, the person was a male family member (not a parent) that molested and raped me, another male family member for a three year period. I hid the secret and the shame for over a decade and a half before anyone knew. I still have noting but hate and rage towards this person as they robbed me of the ability to grow up and have what is considered a “normal life”. I never dated until I was 21, was very awkward around women in high school/college, and I had massive trust issues.

I’m 36 now, practically given up on dating because whomever I try to date often flees whenever this get revealed to them. One person who hasn’t fled is off limits due to her past marriages. This ordeal has strained my relationship with my parents as well.

I don’t really know if I can forgive because the hate I have felt has gotten me this far in life. Without that hatred, I honestly do not think I would be here writing this.

So I ask, how does one forgive an act of unbelievable horror? I know others have been where I am and hope they would share their experience with me and give me hope that things will turn out correctly.
Click to expand...
I endured a very similar situation.

I was sexually assaulted as a child. The incident was reported to the proper authorities, and everything took it’s course.

I held the anger inside for 40 yrs. It was hidden deep, but, one Sunday, one of my favorite priests delivered a homily that unlocked that little box, and every memory, and emotion, came flooding out.

The assault affected who I became, but, I never let it *define *who I am.

Believe it or not, I was able to truly forgive the individual who assaulted me, with the help of The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. It took me 40 years, and that homily to get me to that point.

Once I truly forgave him, my attitude about myself, and others drastically changed. For the better I might add.

It was probably one of the hardest things that I have ever done, but, it was also one of the best things I have ever done. That man no longer lives “rent free” in my head, and no longer has any effect on how I relate to people.

Do I tell people that I meet that I am a survivor of sexual abuse. No. Do I deny it? No. I just no longer dwell on it.

I pray you will get to the same point sometime in your life. There is no time table for it, it happens when God thinks you’re ready to face it all head on, and say good bye to it once and for all.

Remember, forgiving doesn’t mean you have to invite them over for cookies and milk, or even be friendly toward them. It means letting go of the anger and hatred that is affecting you. Your hatred toward your attacker isn’t hurting them, it is only hurting you.

God bless.
 
twopekinguys said:
I endured a very similar situation.

I was sexually assaulted as a child. The incident was reported to the proper authorities, and everything took it’s course.

I held the anger inside for 40 yrs. It was hidden deep, but, one Sunday, one of my favorite priests delivered a homily that unlocked that little box, and every memory, and emotion, came flooding out.

The assault affected who I became, but, I never let it *define *who I am.

Believe it or not, I was able to truly forgive the individual who assaulted me, with the help of The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. It took me 40 years, and that homily to get me to that point.

Once I truly forgave him, my attitude about myself, and others drastically changed. For the better I might add.

It was probably one of the hardest things that I have ever done, but, it was also one of the best things I have ever done. That man no longer lives “rent free” in my head, and no longer has any effect on how I relate to people.

Do I tell people that I meet that I am a survivor of sexual abuse. No. Do I deny it? No. I just no longer dwell on it.

I pray you will get to the same point sometime in your life. There is no time table for it, it happens when God thinks you’re ready to face it all head on, and say good bye to it once and for all.

Remember, forgiving doesn’t mean you have to invite them over for cookies and milk, or even be friendly toward them. It means letting go of the anger and hatred that is affecting you. Your hatred toward your attacker isn’t hurting them, it is only hurting you.

God bless.
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Wow! 👍:clapping::yup:
 
It’s only normal, and natural, to feel anger and, I think, even hatred, under those circumstances.

Some people have said that inner child work is also helpful.

In all irony, when you forgive, you will find **YOU **are the one freed. It’s the opposite of one might actually think.
 
I am truly sorry for what happened to you. When trying to forgive this person, just remember how many times God has forgiven you. I hope that helps some. I’ll pray for you.
 
twopekinguys said:
Once I truly forgave him, my attitude about myself, and others drastically changed. For the better I might add.
Remember, forgiving doesn’t mean you have to invite them over for cookies and milk, or even be friendly toward them. It means letting go of the anger and hatred that is affecting you. Your hatred toward your attacker isn’t hurting them, it is only hurting you.

God bless.
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Great stuff!!

When it’s hard to forgive we must think about why we should. It’s not a complete pardon that makes the perpetrator innocent it’s more of a pardon for us to change and let go of the anger, pain, shame, and all the bad feels that we shouldn’t carry because all that will bring us down in our relationships, thoughts, actions, and keep us from the true Joy God truly says He wants for us. (bad things will happend to good people here on earth because this is earth not Heaven…sad yes but true)
 
twopekinguys said:
I endured a very similar situation.

I was sexually assaulted as a child. The incident was reported to the proper authorities, and everything took it’s course.

I held the anger inside for 40 yrs. It was hidden deep, but, one Sunday, one of my favorite priests delivered a homily that unlocked that little box, and every memory, and emotion, came flooding out.

The assault affected who I became, but, I never let it *define *who I am.

Believe it or not, I was able to truly forgive the individual who assaulted me, with the help of The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. It took me 40 years, and that homily to get me to that point.

Once I truly forgave him, my attitude about myself, and others drastically changed. For the better I might add.

It was probably one of the hardest things that I have ever done, but, it was also one of the best things I have ever done. That man no longer lives “rent free” in my head, and no longer has any effect on how I relate to people.

Do I tell people that I meet that I am a survivor of sexual abuse. No. Do I deny it? No. I just no longer dwell on it.

I pray you will get to the same point sometime in your life. There is no time table for it, it happens when God thinks you’re ready to face it all head on, and say good bye to it once and for all.

Remember, forgiving doesn’t mean you have to invite them over for cookies and milk, or even be friendly toward them. It means letting go of the anger and hatred that is affecting you. Your hatred toward your attacker isn’t hurting them, it is only hurting you.

God bless.
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Thank you for story on my post about forgiveness. It gives me hope to get to that point in my life that you’re already at. Being that you live in the Diocese of Peoria and your username, I wonder if the priest is one that is at my church right now. He’s a great priest and I am starting to talk to him about a lot of things in my life. This is my first time ever talking to someone about all the detail of my ordeal who might be able to help me with it. Time will tell, but I really hope it does.
 
Xantippe said:
I’ve never been exactly there, but I have had a couple of major events to get through over the years. I think that if you get your life on track, you will find it much easier to let go. Unfortunately, it may be impossible to get your life on track without letting go. Which is a problem.

With regard to your dating, it may be not so much the content of your disclosure that scared women off, but the manner of communication. Have you been able to practice how to share this with a counselor? “I was molested as a child, but I’ve done blah blah blah to put my life together and move on” said calmly sounds way different to a romantic prospect than “I was molested and a child and it’s wrecked my life forever.”

With regard to your dating history, please bear in mind that many, many people are socially awkward and late bloomers with regard to dating without having been sexually abused. In fact, starting to date at 21 isn’t really that late. And being involuntarily single at 36 is unfortunately not that unusual these days.

It’s kind of lame to say, “do more counseling,” but that’s really the only answer. This isn’t something you can manage by yourself if you’ve been struggling with it for so many years. I’m sure you’ve done some sort of counseling, but have you worked with a cognitive behavioral therapist? Be very careful to avoid retraumatizing yourself accidentally, and interview your therapist in advance to make sure that they’re not the type to just have you retell your trauma at length and then ask you, “How did that make you feel?” since what you need is help getting out of your trauma, not the opportunity to spend more time in it.

Good luck!
Click to expand...
Honestly, no I haven’t done counseling. Prior to this stage in my life, I would deal with it myself somehow through a hobby or just meditating in prayer at home. I realize now that I need outside help in order to move on from it properly.

When I would explain this to previous girlfriends, I would explain what happened and how it has caused me to be very cautious with trust and (along with the standing of my faith) that any sexual relationship would be with someone I had full and complete trust in. That of course would be after we committed to each other in marriage. Sex was used as a weapon of control and terror against me once and I could do nothing about it then. I’m older and would never let that happen again.
 
I also experienced ongoing child sexual (and other types) of abuse.

Sometimes we are afraid to let go of our anger/hatred because we do get the sense that it is what kept us alive. And indeed that may have been true some of the time. But over time our hatred/anger can also work against us and keep us from having a fulfilled life. We are always fighting against what happened etc.

We have to be able to believe that we can not only live without the hatred, but we can live well and we can protect and take care of ourselves in constructive ways.

Speaking to others who have had similar experiences, as you are doing here can help us believe that people can have positive lives. We don’t have to live forever the victim of another person’s sick behavior.

Some people find a support group helpful because it does allow them to see others who have healed. If you opt for a support group make sure it is moderated by a professional, because they can disintegrate into a lot of angry miserable people reinforcing THAT rather than supporting one another in living a constructive life if left to their own devices.

When we are in the midst of horrible abuse/rape situations we MUST fight/hate etc in the moment in an effort to protect ourselves. But later on…we can let go of the hate. We don’t have to be friends, make up with etc etc the person who abused us, we let them go, and we take up our own life and live our life with love for ourselves and those around us.

I can’t explain exactly how I got to that place, I think the biggest factor was I was sick and tired of being miserable and angry, and letting even that large an event overshadow my entire life. I wanted to move on, and that was the first step. Wanting to move on, no longer wanting to or feel compelled to label myself by what happened.

Sounds like you are at that place, and I want you to know that you can move on. Your life is yours now.

It’s a process, but truly truly you can have a good life and good relationships
 
schaubj57 said:
Thank you for story on my post about forgiveness. It gives me hope to get to that point in my life that you’re already at. Being that you live in the Diocese of Peoria and your username, I wonder if the priest is one that is at my church right now. He’s a great priest and I am starting to talk to him about a lot of things in my life. This is my first time ever talking to someone about all the detail of my ordeal who might be able to help me with it. Time will tell, but I really hope it does.
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If you’re in the same diocese, it very well could be one of them. We have had many fine priests at that parish, but, as you know, you can really “connect” with some better than others.
 
schaubj57 said:
Honestly, no I haven’t done counseling. Prior to this stage in my life, I would deal with it myself somehow through a hobby or just meditating in prayer at home. I realize now that I need outside help in order to move on from it properly.

When I would explain this to previous girlfriends, I would explain what happened and how it has caused me to be very cautious with trust and (along with the standing of my faith) that any sexual relationship would be with someone I had full and complete trust in. That of course would be after we committed to each other in marriage. Sex was used as a weapon of control and terror against me once and I could do nothing about it then. I’m older and would never let that happen again.
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It’s time. But again, carefully interview any therapist and get them to explain to you upfront what their methods are and how they interact with faith issues (and maybe interview several before committing to any one). Presumably, a support group could give you some good leads, as you should be able to figure out which members have done a particularly good job pulling themselves together, and they may be able to give you some names of effective therapists. A good therapist should keep moving you forward and you should start seeing improvement relatively quickly (although I suppose it’s natural that initially, you might feel worse).

I know this is probably going to be expensive for you, but for $1,000, you could radically improve your life.

Best wishes!
 
I was also sexually abused by a family member as a child. I did not deal with it at all until my early 40s when I returned to the Church. Something about returning to the Church triggered the memories and it all came back to me and I had no choice then but to deal with it.

I agree with the other posters who have recommended counseling. It helps tremendously to have someone objective to talk to. You might consider contacting Catholic Charities in your area who can put you in touch with Catholic counselors.

There is also a new retreat program called Grief to Grace grieftograce.org which is specifically designed for survivors of childhood abuse. It is designed by Theresa Burke, the same woman who designed the Project Rachel retreats for post-abortive women. I have heard very good things about this retreat. A friend of mine went to it and she highly recommends it.

Because it is so new, it is only available in a few places in the US. Pennsylvania, Oregon, and I believe, occasionally, Florida.

I have forgiven the person that abused me and it took a combination of counseling, spiritual direction and a lot of prayer over a 6 year period.

There is great peace in forgiveness and I realized that once I had forgiven this person that I was no longer allowing the abuse to define who I was.

Forgiving does not mean forgetting or condoning what the person did to you. What he did was wrong.

I will pray for you in your search for peace and healing.
 
twopekinguys said:
If you’re in the same diocese, it very well could be one of them. We have had many fine priests at that parish, but, as you know, you can really “connect” with some better than others.
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Yes indeed, same Diocese as you.
 
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