How do you forgive?

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How do you forgive? How do you forgive without compromising your self or what you know to be right? I am so very angry at a good many people in my life, because they do not seem to understand that I hold truth to be the utmost thing of importance in my life, and I am not willing to compromise one bit on it.

I am being told that relationships are more important then being right. I am not so sure I buy that at all. By being right I mean standing on what is true. What is more important truth or love? Can they be seperated? I am just so confused and angry!!!

How do you speak the truth in love without offending people? I am a very straight forward, don’t mince words type of person especially when it comes to the truth. People in my life don’t like that, not at all. They say that I should be more compassionate when it comes to expressing the truth. I think that what most people need is a good dose of straight forward no nonsense, truth. This spineless, mushy, “feel good” society that we live in would rather let someone go over the cliff that they are running toward than stop them and tell them that they are gonna die. They are more afraid of “offending” them than telling them the truth. I am just so sick of it!!!

I am tired of being labled as some kind of a hate monger because I am so uncomprimising on truth. What is more important relationships or truth???

HELP!!!
 
Gospel said:
How do you forgive? How do you forgive without compromising your self or what you know to be right? I am so very angry at a good many people in my life, because they do not seem to understand that I hold truth to be the utmost thing of importance in my life, and I am not willing to compromise one bit on it.

I am being told that relationships are more important then being right. I am not so sure I buy that at all. By being right I mean standing on what is true. What is more important truth or love? Can they be seperated? I am just so confused and angry!!!

How do you speak the truth in love without offending people? I am a very straight forward, don’t mince words type of person especially when it comes to the truth. People in my life don’t like that, not at all. They say that I should be more compassionate when it comes to expressing the truth. I think that what most people need is a good dose of straight forward no nonsense, truth. This spineless, mushy, “feel good” society that we live in would rather let someone go over the cliff that they are running toward than stop them and tell them that they are gonna die. They are more afraid of “offending” them than telling them the truth. I am just so sick of it!!!

I am tired of being labled as some kind of a hate monger because I am so uncomprimising on truth. What is more important relationships or truth???

HELP!!!
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Truth is more important. I have experienced the same problem that you are describing. I tend to be rather “black and white” with little room for gray. Additionally, I lack the ability to sugarcoat things and because of this, there are people who find what I say offensive from time to time. My only advice is to make sure that what you believe is “true” really is true and not opinion based. Then deliver the truth with charity whenever you can, but the important thing is to deliver the truth. Many people get offended by the truth regardless how it is delivered if it goes against what they believe or how they behave. Remember Christ had a great deal of people who did not like what He had to say as well. Also, remember that Christ did not always sugarcoat things. Ask the moneychangers at the temple. God bless.
 
Forgiveness is not about giving up on the truth or what is right.

Forgiveness is about giving mercy when the truth or what is right is not followed.

Forgiveness is partly illogical because the forgiver does not gain anything, but rather loses something.

For God to forgive our sins, he had to lose a part of himself.

This is what distinguishes it from forgetting. Forgetting does not pay for the mistake, it just sweeps it under the carpet, and that is worse… that implies giving up on the truth or what is right.

Forgiveness on the other hand implies that a price is paid because the truth is not followed.

This means when you forgive, you pay for the mistake of others who did not do what is right.

There is always a payment.

And this is done in love.

As God forgives us when we fail, we imitate and forgive others, as much as we can.

" Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. "

I can suggest a good chapter on forgiveness from one of the books I read.
 
Gospel said:
How do you forgive? How do you forgive without compromising your self or what you know to be right? I am so very angry at a good many people in my life, because they do not seem to understand that I hold truth to be the utmost thing of importance in my life, and I am not willing to compromise one bit on it.

I am being told that relationships are more important then being right. I am not so sure I buy that at all. By being right I mean standing on what is true. What is more important truth or love? Can they be seperated? I am just so confused and angry!!!

How do you speak the truth in love without offending people? I am a very straight forward, don’t mince words type of person especially when it comes to the truth. People in my life don’t like that, not at all. They say that I should be more compassionate when it comes to expressing the truth. I think that what most people need is a good dose of straight forward no nonsense, truth. This spineless, mushy, “feel good” society that we live in would rather let someone go over the cliff that they are running toward than stop them and tell them that they are gonna die. They are more afraid of “offending” them than telling them the truth. I am just so sick of it!!!

I am tired of being labled as some kind of a hate monger because I am so uncomprimising on truth. What is more important relationships or truth???

HELP!!!
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Seems to me what you are lacking in this is compassion. Truth is very important, yes. But you can’t MAKE people see the truth. You can’t force people to believe the same way you do. And you don’t always have to win every battle.

This is a problem I’ve dealt with for a long time. My desire to be right and to ‘win’ every time often pushes me to the point of anger and hatred for the other person. This is not right, it’s not healthy, and it doesn’t prove your point or ‘win’ you anything. At some point you just have to step back and give up.

Jesus taught us to love each other, no matter what. Even our enemies, he said. Our priest had a great homily a few weeks ago about forgiveness. He said people often forgive their enemies because they’ve been told to do so, and not out of love. Which amounts to just forgetting. To truly forgive you have to love your enemy, have compassion for them, and work from there.

The biggest grudge I held was against my grandparents, my mother’s parents. It’s a long story, but after my mother died I refused to have anything to do with them, even down to their funerals. I promised to forgive them when I came back to the church, but it’s hard. I still hold a lot of grudge against them and I find myself forgetting rather than forgiving. It’s a hard thing to do, to find love for someone you have nothing but hate for. But the more you try, the easier it becomes.

I would suggest to you, that sometimes being right and trying to prove your right, whether it’s for ‘the truth’ or whatever else, doesn’t really solve anything. You’re not going to convince someone by arguing and hating against them. That only builds more negative energy into the situation. From experience, I’m much more impressed by someone who will come to me from a point of charity and compassion. When you’re arguing against someone that’s making you angry, you have no choice but to hate them. But it’s very hard to hate someone that’s trying to be loving and compassionate and kind. And whether or not you ‘win’ or prove the truth, it’s much healthier. And christian.
 
I feel that you are getting much too upset about the “Truth” and some attitudes towards what you are trying to tell them. You must remember, people are only open to receiving the truth depending on their disposition to it. If they are not disposed to hearing the “Truth”, then your getting angry may only make matters worse and drive them farther away from you.

The best way you change a heart is by example. Live your faith. Follow the teachings of Jesus and show charity to your neighbor. Now, I did not say compromise, I said charity. It all starts with charity and humility. When a wrong is done, make it known your beliefs, but do not try to force them on anyone.

Place yourself in their shoes and try to picture what they are seeing. Is it something you would want more of or something you would try to avoid being around? Again, live your faith. but do not get angry when someone doesn’t believe the way you believe. Show them, by example, the beauty of living in, through, and with Christ. They will come around in their own time. Jesus will work through your example.
 
“It is so wonderful to think that God is really just, that God takes into account our weakness and our frailty.” – St. Therese of Lisieux

Could we imagine that God does not take into accout our weakness? God is patient, humble, loving, and understanding.

God is so patient in waiting for us to listen to / to believe His Truth, and how many times we have failed?
 
Well said about forgiveness being separate from truth. For a beautiful, contemporary book that sheds light on forgiveness, read “Left to Tell” by Imaculee Illibagaza. (I am not sure I spelled her name correctly) She survived the 1994 genocide in Rwanda and saw how her anger was keeping her from God.
 
Perhaps people are offended because they feel that you are not even taking the time to understand them, care about them, or love them simply because they are. You can talk about how you have the truth (something that God has blessed you with and you should thank Him everyday for) but if people feel that you do not care about them, and if you are not trying to understand them at least, they will most likely feel that they don’t even need to listen to a word coming out of your mouth. Of course, the original post does not give a concise example, so this is somewhat just a shot in the dark of something that might help you. Peace, and God Bless.
 
Thank you for all of your help and suggestions. I appreciate it. I still believe that truth is of the utmost importants. Without truth being the foundation of everything else, morality and any question of what is right or wrong is completely irrelevant.

I know that I must forgive the people in my life who are making me so angry, but I do not know how. Everytime I try to, I feel like I am swallowing a red hot coal. I know that this is not right, but I do not know what to do about it.

I feel like the people in my life are telling me that truth does not matter, that having loving relationships are what matters more than truth. I can see what they are saying, but I vehemetley (sorry about the spelling) disagree that you cannot have good solid relationships that are not based on truth. In this sense I believe truth trumps “relationships”.

However I do agree that truth can be shown in compassionate ways. I admit that I am a very, very black and white person, who has very, very little tolerance for the grey. My delivery of truth is more like Father Corapi’s (Right between the eyes with a 2X4) than with a feather. Perhaps I could use some help in that area. However I remain resolute that truth has to be the foundation of all things moral, which includes relationships. Am I wrong about this?
 
However I do agree that truth can be shown in compassionate ways. I admit that I am a very, very black and white person, who has very, very little tolerance for the grey. My delivery of truth is more like Father Corapi’s (Right between the eyes with a 2X4) than with a feather. Perhaps I could use some help in that area. However I remain resolute that truth has to be the foundation of all things moral, which includes relationships. Am I wrong about this?
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I can relate to how you feel, and enjoy listening to Fr Corapi now that he is available on Catholic radio in my area (I killed my TV over 5 years ago.) But every soul is different. Much as I’m committed to the Truth myself, I’m not Fr Corapi, nor have I been given a platform on which to voice my stance as he has. We must all work within the bounds of the personhood given us by God. Yes, it can be awfully frustrating when we cannot get through to others, especially those we love. Believe me, I know this from my own experience.

Some thoughts come to mind, which you may or may not find helpful. If you don’t, as C. S. Lewis said, don’t use them.

First, there is that passage from the Gospel when Jesus read from the Book of Isaiah in the synagogue and then added that “this day this prohecy is fulfilled in your hearing.” Jesus, who is the Truth, proclaimed the Truth that is Himself, and for this they tried to throw Him off a cliff. Elsewhere He tells us that if the world hated Him it would also hate those who follow Him. Many people are troubled by the Truth although, or more accurately because they know deep down that it is in indeed true but it would cost them something to acknowledge it–it may come at the expense of plucking out an eye or cutting off a hand, figuratively speaking, something they are not quite prepared to do. Should we still proclaim the Truth, then? Certainly, but if we do, we must be prepared to be opposed, as He was, to be a sign of contradiction, as He was, and still is. And if we are opposed, what of it? In Acts we read of how the apostles rejoiced at being persecuted for the sake of the Name. Eventually they all died for the sake of that Name (except perhaps John, but his might have been the greatest martyrdom of all, having to live on when all his brothers had gone on to glory.)

Second, one of my favorite quotes is that of St Francis of Assisi: “Preach the Gospel at all times, and if necessary, use words.” Others here have spoken about preaching by our example. But I think (though I am open to correction) that Francis may have meant more than just “example” when he said this: I think he meant that we are to preach by our very being, by who we are, regardless of what we may or may not say. Someone also said that “Wisdom consists in knowing what to say, and when not to say it.” And St Vincent de Paul had a similar saying as that of Francis, “When God is the center of your life, no words are necessary; your very presence will touch hearts.”

As for forgiving, this comes down to a decision more than anything else. What has helped me in the past, and continues to help me, is simply to contemplate Christ on the Cross: if this is how He has forgiven me, how can I then not forgive others? Look at Christ crucified long and hard enough and forgiveness of others, in time, should come more easily.
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"The center of every man's existence is a dream. Death, disease, insanity, are merely material accidents, like a toothache or a twisted ankle. That these brutal forces always besiege and often capture the citadel does not prove that they are the citadel."
 
-- G. K. Chesterton
 
Remember that LOVE is most important – I suggest you read 1 Corinthians 13.

Jesus loves us unconditionally, whether we accept all Truth or not. He tells us to love each other as He loves us.

He also tells us that we must forgive as He forgives (keep praying the Lord’s Prayer).

Truth IS important – but like previous posters have written, we can’t force anyone to accept it. So if we fail to love because someone can’t acknowledge whatever is true, we’re only choosing to love conditionally. Say a prayer for a person when you realize you’re upset at them – then let go and let God do the work in them.
 
Forgiveness is the easiest thing in the world: all you have to do is let go.

Forgiveness is the hardest thing in the world: you have to let go without appearing to get anything back.

For me, forgiveness in general is pretty easy, and for that I thank God. What helps me with it is to realize that God forgives everyone. For me to not forgive someone that God forgives is to say to God, “No, you’re wrong, this person deserves eternal damnation, because a finite degree of punishment means I still have to forgive them at some point.” God finds that sentence “No, you’re wrong, they should be damned” abhorrent; it goes against his love, compassion, and mercy. And why would you want to be in open, obvious rebellion against God, over and against whom we are always in the wrong?
 
If someone calls you a horse, does it mean you are a horse?
What if everyone in the world said you were a horse, would
that make it so? No. You would still be just who you are.
But I admit, it would be scary if everyone in the world was
convinced by the first one who said it, that you really were a horse. Would people start bringing you hay, or tell you to live
outside? or put a saddle on you? Well, i’d sure be angry if
this happened to me, and I don’t know how I’d forgive the person
who started it all. And I would be trapped in my anger until I
would lose my mind, because no one would listen to the truth.

So, I would do the part that I, as a human, could do: say the
words. I would say to God, “Lord, I forgive Fred for saying I’m
a horse”. “I forgive Sandy for saying I’m a horse”. “I forgive
the others who say I am a horse.” Then do it again tomorrow.

I am telling you this because I have tried it and it really does
work. My words are like powerful arrows shooting down my
anger. Then I can hear the quiet, and I am once again free to
serve the Lord my God. And His request: Love one another…

:blessyou:
 
BlaineTog said:
Forgiveness is the easiest thing in the world: all you have to do is let go.

Forgiveness is the hardest thing in the world: you have to let go without appearing to get anything back.

For me, forgiveness in general is pretty easy, and for that I thank God. What helps me with it is to realize that God forgives everyone. For me to not forgive someone that God forgives is to say to God, “No, you’re wrong, this person deserves eternal damnation, because a finite degree of punishment means I still have to forgive them at some point.” God finds that sentence “No, you’re wrong, they should be damned” abhorrent; it goes against his love, compassion, and mercy. And why would you want to be in open, obvious rebellion against God, over and against whom we are always in the wrong?
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Question: Do we forgive others before they repent? Luke 17:3-4 states "Be on your guard. If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he REPENTS, forgive him. And if he wrongs you seven times in one day and returns to you seven times saying I AM SORRY, you should forgive him.

Does that mean that we do not forgive others until they repent?
 
Gospel said:
Question: Do we forgive others before they repent? Luke 17:3-4 states "Be on your guard. If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he REPENTS, forgive him. And if he wrongs you seven times in one day and returns to you seven times saying I AM SORRY, you should forgive him.

Does that mean that we do not forgive others until they repent?
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It means you can’t forgive someone unless they repent. Forgiveness is pure giving, but it’s giving to someone. You can’t give to those that refuse to take.
 
The “Serenity Prayer”, which is attributed to St. Francis of Assisi might help to guide you…

“Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change… the courage to change the things I can… and the wisdom to know the difference”.

God bless you in this struggle. I understand it well. I’ve often been told that I am too “blunt”.:o
 
BlaineTog said:
It means you can’t forgive someone unless they repent. Forgiveness is pure giving, but it’s giving to someone. You can’t give to those that refuse to take.
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This makes a lot of sense, but it’s not what Jesus did. He forgave
the people who were killing Him, and they just went right on
killing Him. They didn’t go running over to the cross and take
Him down since He forgave them. They were not sorry.

No one who I’ve had to forgive has ever killed me. Yet.
 
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