How do you get your partner to be abstinent?

[ToTheCross]

So I’m wondering if anyone has any advice for me.

I am engaged to the love of my life and we are both Catholics, but I have recently received a stronger faith. My problem is that we are living together and having sex with condoms, but I want to be abstinent until we are married. He is trying to understand how I’ve changed but doesn’t understand this and I can’t help him.

The major problem is how do I justify to someone stopping sex when you know you’re going to get married anyway? (We have also never had sex with anyone else). I’ve tried a lot of arguments and come up short. Saying things like it’ll be better to be married because then we have a sacred bond and are united with God hurts him because (he says) it’s like me saying the sex/our relationship hasn’t been meaningful for me, or like there’s all these rules we have to follow.

Anyway, this is really awkward for me to post but I’ve been struggling for nearly a year now and I’m a little desperate. The wedding date hasn’t been set and due to restraints on both our parts, would not be able to happen for at least a year.

 

[trainguard]

I only can tell you I perfectly understand how you feel: I’m feeling in the same way (even if my partner and I still don’t live together). For me it’s a little worse, for he’s divorced, so I don’t want to hear about wedding untill he asks for annulment (the day I get married, that’ll be in Church).

I’ll pray for you…

God bless.

 

[ToTheCross]

You don’t know how much I appreciate your support. Thank you.

God bless, and I will pray for you, too.

 

[JackieMom]

So I’m wondering if anyone has any advice for me.

I am engaged to the love of my life and we are both Catholics, but I have recently received a stronger faith. My problem is that we are living together and having sex with condoms, but I want to be abstinent until we are married. He is trying to understand how I’ve changed but doesn’t understand this and I can’t help him.

The major problem is how do I justify to someone stopping sex when you know you’re going to get married anyway? (We have also never had sex with anyone else). I’ve tried a lot of arguments and come up short. Saying things like it’ll be better to be married because then we have a sacred bond and are united with God hurts him because (he says) it’s like me saying the sex/our relationship hasn’t been meaningful for me, or like there’s all these rules we have to follow.

Anyway, this is really awkward for me to post but I’ve been struggling for nearly a year now and I’m a little desperate. The wedding date hasn’t been set and due to restraints on both our parts, would not be able to happen for at least a year.

Move out, and simply stop caving to his requests for extramarital sex. If he can’t get on-board with that, and does not understand at all why it’s important to be chaste before marriage, you might need to move on from the relationship. Why try to force a square peg into a round hole while you still have the option of walking away? It won’t get any better when you are married and want to use NFP to space pregnancies. He’ll balk at needing to remain abstinent for, often, weeks at a time.

 

[Aggies08]

How about because you want to be right with God, and you don’t want to cause HIM to fall, either.

 

[Bonnie]

One of you has to move out. If you keep living together the temptaion will be too much to resist.

 

[ToTheCross]

JackieMom – it’s not that simple. I hate to be the stereotypic “he’ll change for me” type but he is trying. He came (willingly) to confession with me, and then to mass every Sunday, and he’s been actively trying to learn more about his faith, like me. We’ve talked a lot about NFP and he’s perfectly fine with it, to the point where he said it would be ok with him to use it even now, but we have not had time to go to a center to learn more about how exactly to start implementing it.

Aggies08 – NOT that I don’t agree with you, but can you explain how it would be setting things right with God? You’re right, I don’t want to cause him to fall either, and as far as he’s been changing, I want to try to keep leading him to God, he’s too important for me to give up.

 

[Deus_tecum]

Now you know why couples are cautioned to not live together prior to marriage. What you are doing is sort of like giving a 16 yr old a license to drive a car, and then snatching the license away simply because you had a change of heart about driving. You’ve got to expect some turmoil and accept your culpability for it.

 

[jmcrae]

JackieMom – it’s not that simple. I hate to be the stereotypic “he’ll change for me” type but he is trying. He came (willingly) to confession with me, and then to mass every Sunday, and he’s been actively trying to learn more about his faith, like me. We’ve talked a lot about NFP and he’s perfectly fine with it, to the point where he said it would be ok with him to use it even now, but we have not had time to go to a center to learn more about how exactly to start implementing it.

Aggies08 – NOT that I don’t agree with you, but can you explain how it would be setting things right with God? You’re right, I don’t want to cause him to fall either, and as far as he’s been changing, I want to try to keep leading him to God, he’s too important for me to give up.

God forbids sex outside of marriage, in two ways, First, He forbids adultery - sex between persons who are married, but not to each other. (Getting married to a person who has a civil divorce would be “adultery.”)

Second, He forbids fornication - sex between persons who are not married to anyone. This includes people who are “practically married anyway” like yourselves.

The reason is that sex is for married people, and is intended as the means for them to establish their family. First, it establishes them as husband and wife, and creates a strong emotional bond between them. (This is why barrier forms of contraception are forbidden - they interfere with the chemical bond that is to take place between the married couple during sex. Obviously chemical birth control would also interfere with the bond, in different ways.)

Second, it is the means by which they get children to themselves, thus growing their family, and extending it into a future that they will not live to see.

 

[ToTheCross]

Now you know why couples are cautioned to not live together prior to marriage. What you are doing is sort of like giving a 16 yr old a license to drive a car, and then snatching the license away simply because you had a change of heart about driving. You’ve got to expect some turmoil and accept your culpability for it.

Ouch. I do understand this. It would be easy to walk away. But I know I did this and I am fighting, praying, and bearing the suffering to make this right. In my prayers to Jesus, I also ask for forgiveness and mercy.

jmcrae - thank you for your post! What happens when the other person says “I want that bond with you and don’t understand why we have to wait for marriage?” Incidentally I am not on the pill/IUD/any other contraceptive than condoms.

 

[jmcrae]

Ouch. I do understand this. It would be easy to walk away. But I know I did this and I am fighting, praying, and bearing the suffering to make this right. In my prayers to Jesus, I also ask for forgiveness and mercy.

jmcrae - thank you for your post! What happens when the other person says “I want that bond with you and don’t understand why we have to wait for marriage?”

Did you ever ask your mother for something you really wanted? And in order to make sure she remembered to get it for you, didn’t you ask her to promise you that she would get it for you?

Because a promise makes it important, right? And people are faithful to do important things for the people they love.

Incidentally I am not on the pill/IUD/any other contraceptive than condoms.

That’s very good.

 

[MidnightSun12]

jmcrae - thank you for your post! What happens when the other person says “I want that bond with you and don’t understand why we have to wait for marriage?” Incidentally I am not on the pill/IUD/any other contraceptive than condoms.

It’s important to keep in mind that sex isn’t only meant to be about pleasure. If it was, then God would have given us all pleasure buttons instead of specialized reproductive organs. Each sexual act must be open to the possibility of life.

Separating sex from it’s procreative purpose would be like separating the culinary experience of eating from the nutritive quality of eating (ie. eating all the food you want and then throwing up afterwards, such as the case with Bulimia). The thing is, is that no dietician will tell you that Bulimia is anything less then an eating disorder. It’s the same with contraception except, where Bulimia causes a person to have a disordered relationship with food, contraception causes a person to have a disordered relationship with his/her spouse.

Once you can accept the truth that sex cannot only be about pleasure, then it becomes very obvious why sex must only occur within marriage. Why in the world would somebody ever want to bring children into a union where one of the spouses is rejecting one of or more of the vows of marriage?

• In good times and bad?
• In sickness and in health?
• Until death do us part?

I would never want to even think about having children with somebody who has reserved the right to leave me at any point in time, if things get tough…

It’s so important that you do not cohabit prior to marriage (you must get out of this situation as soon as possible). Not only do spouses who cohabit prior to marriage have a 75% divorce rate after marriage, you are also putting your soul and that of your partner in grave danger. I want nothing more then to see you have the best chances of going to heaven when you die and I am afraid to say that living together prior to marriage is a serious obstacle to this.

My prayers are with you! Please stay close to our Lord and I promise that He will guide you through this very difficult time.

 

[aemcpa]

So I’m wondering if anyone has any advice for me.

I am engaged to the love of my life and we are both Catholics, but I have recently received a stronger faith. My problem is that we are living together and having sex with condoms, but I want to be abstinent until we are married. He is trying to understand how I’ve changed but doesn’t understand this and I can’t help him.

The major problem is how do I justify to someone stopping sex when you know you’re going to get married anyway? (We have also never had sex with anyone else). I’ve tried a lot of arguments and come up short. Saying things like it’ll be better to be married because then we have a sacred bond and are united with God hurts him because (he says) it’s like me saying the sex/our relationship hasn’t been meaningful for me, or like there’s all these rules we have to follow.

Anyway, this is really awkward for me to post but I’ve been struggling for nearly a year now and I’m a little desperate. The wedding date hasn’t been set and due to restraints on both our parts, would not be able to happen for at least a year.

You don’t know you’re going to get married anyway. The only way you KNOW that you’re going to marry someone is when you marry that person. The sex you have had is a violation of God’s law, and it doesn’t matter whether that truth upsets him. There ARE rules you have to follow, and if he doesn’t want to follow them he can always find someone else who will give sex according to his own rules.

 

[JackieMom]

JackieMom – it’s not that simple. I hate to be the stereotypic “he’ll change for me” type but he is trying. He came (willingly) to confession with me, and then to mass every Sunday, and he’s been actively trying to learn more about his faith, like me. We’ve talked a lot about NFP and he’s perfectly fine with it, to the point where he said it would be ok with him to use it even now, but we have not had time to go to a center to learn more about how exactly to start implementing it.

Aggies08 – NOT that I don’t agree with you, but can you explain how it would be setting things right with God? You’re right, I don’t want to cause him to fall either, and as far as he’s been changing, I want to try to keep leading him to God, he’s too important for me to give up.

It really IS that simple. You are dating a guy and have put the cart before the horse. Get the cart back in its place. Stop giving in to his requests for sex. What’s the old saying? “Just say no?” And move out. Move home, move in with a girlfriend, get your own place. Or ask him to leave.

It is nice that he claims to be open to using NFP and accompanies you to cofession, but every time he initiates or requests sex he is literally saying, “I care more about having an orgasm than about your immortal soul.” He may be great in other ways, but on this issue you need to protect your body, your mind and soul because he is not willing to. Having sex outside of marriage is always wrong, and puts your immortal soul in great peril. What kind of guy asks a woman to do that, even after she has expressed a desire to amend her life and get square with God?

 

[1believer1]

So I’m wondering if anyone has any advice for me.

I am engaged to the love of my life and we are both Catholics, but I have recently received a stronger faith. My problem is that we are living together and having sex with condoms, but I want to be abstinent until we are married. He is trying to understand how I’ve changed but doesn’t understand this and I can’t help him.

The major problem is how do I justify to someone stopping sex when you know you’re going to get married anyway? (We have also never had sex with anyone else). I’ve tried a lot of arguments and come up short. Saying things like it’ll be better to be married because then we have a sacred bond and are united with God hurts him because (he says) it’s like me saying the sex/our relationship hasn’t been meaningful for me, or like there’s all these rules we have to follow.

Anyway, this is really awkward for me to post but I’ve been struggling for nearly a year now and I’m a little desperate. The wedding date hasn’t been set and due to restraints on both our parts, would not be able to happen for at least a year.

First off you both have more than just one problem… you are living together without the sacrament of marriage, you are having sex using contriceptives and both of you having said you are catholic are not following the teaching of the church. I would suggest that you separate your household and live as the church teaches. I would also suggest that both of you read separatly or together Pope Paul VI 's Encyclical Humanae Vitae
( Of Human Life). Continuing to live together in sin with no ability to share in the Euchrist will kill you spirtually.If he truely loves you he will wait… if not then maybe he is not the one God has in mind for you. To answer your question, if you are abstinent then your partner will be or he really is not your partner! (forgive my speling errors)

 

[ToTheCross]

Did you ever ask your mother for something you really wanted? And in order to make sure she remembered to get it for you, didn’t you ask her to promise you that she would get it for you?

Because a promise makes it important, right? And people are faithful to do important things for the people they love.

Thank you so much, this is very helpful.

 

[ToTheCross]

It’s important to keep in mind that sex isn’t only meant to be about pleasure. If it was, then God would have given us all pleasure buttons instead of specialized reproductive organs. Each sexual act must be open to the possibility of life.

Separating sex from it’s procreative purpose would be like separating the culinary experience of eating from the nutritive quality of eating (ie. eating all the food you want and then throwing up afterwards, such as the case with Bulimia). The thing is, is that no dietician will tell you that Bulimia is anything less then an eating disorder. It’s the same with contraception except, where Bulimia causes a person to have a disordered relationship with food, contraception causes a person to have a disordered relationship with his/her spouse.

Once you can accept the truth that sex cannot only be about pleasure, then it becomes very obvious why sex must only occur within marriage. Why in the world would somebody ever want to bring children into a union where one of the spouses is rejecting one of or more of the vows of marriage?

• In good times and bad?
• In sickness and in health?
• Until death do us part?

I would never want to even think about having children with somebody who has reserved the right to leave me at any point in time, if things get tough…

It’s so important that you do not cohabit prior to marriage (you must get out of this situation as soon as possible). Not only do spouses who cohabit prior to marriage have a 75% divorce rate after marriage, you are also putting your soul and that of your partner in grave danger. I want nothing more then to see you have the best chances of going to heaven when you die and I am afraid to say that living together prior to marriage is a serious obstacle to this.

My prayers are with you! Please stay close to our Lord and I promise that He will guide you through this very difficult time.

Thank you, I haven’t thought about it like that.

JackieMom - thank you for your honesty. You’ve given me a lot to think about. I kind of feel stuck with my living arrangement though. I am a year away from a medical degree and have no time to search for apartments or friends I can live with, and my parents are not close enough . The best I’ve been able to manage is a separate bedroom. I’m also hoping for your insight on the following: so we tried being abstinent for a while (4 months) but he was very difficult to live with…I suppose maybe taking your advice on the moving out might have made that easier to bear too… You’re starting to make more sense the more I think about it.

1believer1 - thank you, I will certainly look into the Humanae Vitae

 

[Aggies08]

Aggies08 – NOT that I don’t agree with you, but can you explain how it would be setting things right with God? You’re right, I don’t want to cause him to fall either, and as far as he’s been changing, I want to try to keep leading him to God, he’s too important for me to give up.

Well, God asks us to live chastely- in a similar situation, I couldn’t confess this sin until I knew I was in the best position I could be to mean it when I confessed it, and planned to “sin no more.” So, for me to be square with God (in a state of grace), I needed to be able to confess the sin, and truly mean it when I went forth to do my best not to fall into sin again. If that makes any sense!

To my DF, I pretty much said point blank I felt I was in part responsible for bringing him down (into sin) in my lack of action- agreeing to watch a movie in his bedroom, sharing a bed with him, going along with situations I knew would lead him to temptation etc. Now, of course he bears the ultimate responsibility for his actions, but still, we do our best to help our brothers and sisters in Christ. I didn’t want to make things any harder for him than they needed to be. We had a good long talk, got things resolved and on the same page, and are very happily married with 2 kids now.

 

[JackieMom]

Thank you, I haven’t thought about it like that.

JackieMom - thank you for your honesty. You’ve given me a lot to think about. I kind of feel stuck with my living arrangement though. I am a year away from a medical degree and have no time to search for apartments or friends I can live with, and my parents are not close enough . The best I’ve been able to manage is a separate bedroom. I’m also hoping for your insight on the following: so we tried being abstinent for a while (4 months) but he was very difficult to live with…I suppose maybe taking your advice on the moving out might have made that easier to bear too… You’re starting to make more sense the more I think about it.

1believer1 - thank you, I will certainly look into the Humanae Vitae

Sorry to be so very blunt, but: You don’t have time to do the right thing?

 

[Hat4]

It’s important to keep in mind that sex isn’t only meant to be about pleasure. If it was, then God would have given us all pleasure buttons instead of specialized reproductive organs. Each sexual act must be open to the possibility of life.

Separating sex from it’s procreative purpose would be like separating the culinary experience of eating from the nutritive quality of eating (ie. eating all the food you want and then throwing up afterwards, such as the case with Bulimia). The thing is, is that no dietician will tell you that Bulimia is anything less then an eating disorder. It’s the same with contraception except, where Bulimia causes a person to have a disordered relationship with food, contraception causes a person to have a disordered relationship with his/her spouse.

Once you can accept the truth that sex cannot only be about pleasure, then it becomes very obvious why sex must only occur within marriage. Why in the world would somebody ever want to bring children into a union where one of the spouses is rejecting one of or more of the vows of marriage?

• In good times and bad?
• In sickness and in health?
• Until death do us part?

I would never want to even think about having children with somebody who has reserved the right to leave me at any point in time, if things get tough…

It’s so important that you do not cohabit prior to marriage (you must get out of this situation as soon as possible). Not only do spouses who cohabit prior to marriage have a 75% divorce rate after marriage, you are also putting your soul and that of your partner in grave danger. I want nothing more then to see you have the best chances of going to heaven when you die and I am afraid to say that living together prior to marriage is a serious obstacle to this.

My prayers are with you! Please stay close to our Lord and I promise that He will guide you through this very difficult time.

This is an excellent post. One thing to remember is living together before marriage more than doubles your chance of divorce. Of course everyone says “That’s not us, we’re different” and yet they usually end up part of the divorce statistics. The exception to that is if you are engaged to be married before you move in together. Not engaged to be engaged but engaged with the date set and everything in motion. Then you’re still more likely to get divorced but the numbers aren’t as scary. Either way if you are serious about a happy marriage and staying married then why would you do anything to risk that simply for short term convenience? On the plus side if you’ve both only been with each other then your chances of infidelity after marriage go down tremendously. Also, sharing the same faith and attending services weekly are a big indicator for marital happiness and longevity. I didn’t want to focus solely on the negative so I wanted to point out what you are doing that will be good for your marriage also. I never lived with my wife before we got married but from the research I did we decided to be abstinent for 6 months before the wedding. I’m not going to lie, it sucked, but I had to decide what or who was more important to me. I wish you both the best and will include you in our prayers tonight.