I have found it is never enough to put something on God’s shoulders. That we must do, but it must be followed by something else…
Not my will, but yours Lord.
This is a very, very difficult thing to get accustomed to saying and accepting, but something I repeat often at such times. Right now, my job is on the chopping block, with up to 10-20% rumored to be permanently laid off in my department right after the first of the year. I’ve lived comfortably with my job and it is a specialized skill that is related primarily to the industry in which I currently work. Because I’ve been in the business 20 years, I got in at a time that did not require an engineering degree. If I am let go, I will likely never find a job that pays anything more than 1/3 of the benefits and take home pay I get now. There are many degreed engineers out there looking for work. While I live a modest middle income life, nonetheless, it will be devastating if I lose my job. This was difficult from the very beginning, to cope with.
I prayed about it and soon after recognized that I am not entitled to my job and it is only by the grace of God that I have it. I looked around and realized my attachment to things that are nice to have, but not necessary to have. I put it in God’s hand’s by telling him, “Not my will Lord, but yours and please grant me the grace to accept your will for me”.
I know that if I lose my job, there is something that God has in store for me. It could be some lesson he wants me to learn that if I resist His will, can only make the lesson more difficult. I cannot change what is in store for me, so my only other alternative is to accept what comes forth.
I have had to deal with severe illness in my family and among friends. I have learned to do the same thing and this included a 17 year old cousin who developed testicular cancer which had spread by the time he told anyone he had problems. He passed away a year later, but not before I asked the Lord to help me to accept His will.
In a situation such as yours, where you are concerned about the health of your spouse, it is understandable. Not only do you love him and want to have him for many, many years, but you are subject to great feelings of insecurity. You may be wondering, “what will I do if something happens to him?” or “How will food get put on the table and bills be paid?” . You may be going through some of the many things that troubled my heart about the loss of my job because that is security related. And, you have children, which compounds those feelings of insecurity because you want to provide for them. Maybe everything turns out just fine and the lesson God wanted you to have is to learn to be grateful and to not take anyone or anything for granted. Maybe this is happening because God is trying to teach you that you should have a provision plan going into the future, such as a good life insurance policy that will enable you and your children to live well should something unexpected happen to him. And, maybe it is just God’s way of bringing you closer together, or even closer to Him. Often times he sends us lessons to deal with that which is most difficult and surrendering our will to Him is a huge one to learn.
God loves you more than anyone on this earth and somehow, he will provide for you. If tomorrow your spouse were to perish in an accident, you would survive, but a new normal would have to develop. It may initiate itself with a great act of humility should you have to move in with someone temporarily until you can get a plan together.
God is a great teacher and there are lessons in all that happen to us. They are often never pleasing. But then again, we are Christians and contrary to what many denominations preach, it is not all fluff and feel-good stuff. More often than not, it involves the cross.
This is just one of many “agony in the garden” you will have. I encourage you to turn to meditating on the mysteries of the
Rosary, if you do not do so already. It is there that you realize that we are born with Christ, we go to Calvary with him, and someday we will rise to meet him, if we die in grace.
Take up your Cross daily and follow Him. Never take your eyes off of the Cross. Unlike eternity, this life is only a drop in the bucket of time. It is a staging area for what is to come.
Tell Him that you trust Him.
