How do you handle an opposite work schedule from your spouse?

[whatevergirl]

*Most of you know, my dh works nights. He goes to work in the afternoon, and doesn’t arrive home until 10pm-ish. He has two weekdays off. My schedule is such that I work a standard 9 to 5pm kind of routine, with weekends, and holidays off. He even had to work Christmas this year. Okay, before I go further, we are grateful for the work. That goes without saying. I thank the Lord everyday for our jobs.

But, I’d be lying if I said that I don’t miss my husband. He said the same, today. Everything from the kids’ activities, to our intimacy has suffered because of his work schedule. In the back of my mind, I say…’‘be thankful he has work…in this economy.’’ I am thankful. But, again, I’d be lying if I said that it isn’t taking a toll on me. I feel like a single mom. I do so much with the kids, alone. He has to miss mass a lot, depending on his schedule, so there I am alone. People probably think I’m a widow at this point.

I’m trying not to get down about this…I just need some words of encouragement from you…especially those of you who have gone through something like this. I think about those of you on here who have spouses who have been deployed overseas, as part of our military. My utmost respect and awe for how you hold it together. (your emotions)

My dh said today…’‘we need to start making appointments to spend time together.’’ Appointments? Oh my. He said, ‘‘yes, appointments.’’

Appointments. (insert scratching head emoticon)

I have been asking Mary to pray for my strength, and my husband’s, and most days, her prayers get me through. But, today’s a tough day.

Thank you in advance for any prayers, insight, and encouragement you have to give. *

 

[whatevergirl]

*If it helps any to add a little more info…I go to bed around 10:30/11pm, and he is often times just walking in, reading the mail, and eating a snack. Same for the kids, they go to bed shortly after he arrives home, also. *

 

[Em_in_FL]

Oh WG - I just want to HUG you! I’m so sorry.
Actually, we’re in a similar situation - not because he works late shifts on purpose, but because he’s so busy. My husband NEVER gets home before 8:30… normally closer to 9pm (so not too far off from your DH’s schedule). And that’s after I’ve worked a full day, picked up the kids, made dinner, bathed the kids, etc, etc… every single day for years now. It’s HARD. My DH is just BUSY! He’s swamped! He’s the one that is constantly saying “we should be thankful for jobs in this economy” and I AM, it’s just hard for me to manage everything on my own - I just wish I didn’t have to work if he’s going to be so busy at his job, kwim? (sorry, didn’t mean to turn this into a personal venting session )

Anyway… no ideas… just sympathy.

 

[prolifewife]

Hi WG!

This is us too. I am a SAHW, DH works long days and many nights to keep good insurance for all my health issues. So, there are weeks I literally fall asleep alone, and he then crawls in next to me at 10pm-12am, wakes up before I do and is out the door again to work at 5-7. These kinds of weeks he often has to work most all the weekend at work too. It’s depressing. He’s all I have too. I’m alone the whole time he’s gone. My phone, tv, and the internet are my only ticket to the outside world. It’s really, really, tough.

But then some weeks he’s home at five most days, and has a free weekend to boot. And I live for those weeks. Though sometimes they are few and far between.

So I totally understand your pain. I wish I could say we have a solution worked out. We don’t. We just miss each other like crazy and deal with it, he can’t even call or email much from work.

 

[pnewton]

I am always thinking of those who are fighting overseas and have to spend months apart. At least I get to see my wife every day. Yes, we have to make dates, just like before we were married. It is not only a good idea, it is essential.

On the bright side, a divergent schedule is a benefit in this day and age for families that need two incomes yet still have children. We used daycare about one third as much as we would have with typical daytime schedules, allowing the child more time at home.

I know you weren’t looking for benefits and excuses, but sometimes it does help to focus on the positive. Your husband is right. You must plan for more quality time when quantity is lacking. I have been doing this a long time. I wish I could say it gets easier, but my wife would disagree. Just come here and vent when you must. We have the advatage of being anonymous and public.

One more thing, if you ever talk problems like this over with others to sort it out, it is wise to always stick to female friends. Any problem in a marriage, no matter how small, can be an opportunity for Satan. Let us always tread carefully.

 

[whatevergirl]

*Oh, thanks EM for your understanding. At least my kids can bathe themselves, now. hee hee Could be worse, I see. lol Kidding. In the grand scheme of things, this pales in comparison to what others are going through. I always have to pull myself back into that perspective…but, (here we go a mini rant about Florida) moving to Florida, life has gotten harder in some ways. Easier in ways, harder in ways.

I said today that I’m done doing all these things–alone. I’m sick of it…which led to him not saying anything…then I didn’t say anything…then he got angry, then I got angry…then he called, and said we need to make appointments on the calendar to spend time together (and he was serious)

Okay, honey…Monday night at um…8pm I’ll meet you… in the hallway? In the kitchen? What? :ehh: (I said this, and he said…’‘appointment setting will be a way to always have time together instead of letting other things get in the way.’’)

Here’s the rub–our kids don’t get a lot of time with him either…so I would feel selfish ‘‘taking their time away from him’’ to be with me…you know? So, we don’t have a lot of one on one time together, when it comes down to it.

I don’t really think about this all that much…I feel like it’s become an automatic thing with our lives since moving here…but, there are days that when I permit myself to think about it…it saddens me. Thanks for listening EM…Interesting that you share a similiar thing.*

 

[whatevergirl]

Hi WG!

This is us too. I am a SAHW, DH works long days and many nights to keep good insurance for all my health issues. So, there are weeks I literally fall asleep alone, and he then crawls in next to me at 10pm-12am, wakes up before I do and is out the door again to work at 5-7. These kinds of weeks he often has to work most all the weekend at work too. It’s depressing. He’s all I have too. I’m alone the whole time he’s gone. My phone, tv, and the internet are my only ticket to the outside world. It’s really, really, tough.

But then some weeks he’s home at five most days, and has a free weekend to boot. And I live for those weeks. Though sometimes they are few and far between.

So I totally understand your pain. I wish I could say we have a solution worked out. We don’t. We just miss each other like crazy and deal with it, he can’t even call or email much from work.

*((prolifewife)) I’m so sorry, I remember reading this a while back about your dh’s schedule. That stinks…and I know you’re thankful for the work. I mean, that goes without saying…before anyone jumps in and says to me…’‘be thankful he’s working.’’ I know…I am! lol

I said to him today…’‘is this LIVING?’’ He and I wish there was an easier way. I often daydream about moving to Italy, completely changing our lives, learning a new language, and working in a coffee shop…living on some remote farm somewhere.

Maybe you and your dh could come along. *

 

[RedSoxWife]

We’re in a similar situation too. I’m a stay at home mom, so I’m always here, but since I’m up when the little ones up, we only run into each other for about an hour a day. My husband’s latest hours are 10pm- 7am so he comes home and sleeps, wakes up around dinner time, and after dinner it’s time for bath and the bedtime routine (my daughter just started sleeping in her own bed and is still waking up most nights). He has to study anyway since he’s a full time graduate school student (all day weekend classes) so that doesn’t leave very much time.

I’m trying to focus on the fact that it won’t be forever, hopefully only a couple more years. The pregnancy hormones aren’t helping me much on this one though and I feel very emotional about it on a daily basis! At least he isn’t far away though. I can’t imagine how hard it would be to be pregnant with a little one if he was deployed or overseas for work.

 

[whatevergirl]

I am always thinking of those who are fighting overseas and have to spend months apart. At least I get to see my wife every day. Yes, we have to make dates, just like before we were married. It is not only a good idea, it is essential.

On the bright side, a divergent schedule is a benefit in this day and age for families that need two incomes yet still have children. We used daycare about one third as much as we would have with typical daytime schedules, allowing the child more time at home.

I know you weren’t looking for benefits and excuses, but sometimes it does help to focus on the positive. Your husband is right. You must plan for more quality time when quantity is lacking. I have been doing this a long time. I wish I could say it gets easier, but my wife would disagree. Just come here and vent when you must. We have the advatage of being anonymous and public.

One more thing, if you ever talk problems like this over with others to sort it out, it is wise to always stick to female friends. Any problem in a marriage, no matter how small, can be an opportunity for Satan. Let us always tread carefully.

*Can I just thank you for this advice? (bolded) I had not thought of it like that, and I think that is exactly what my dh was speaking of. Interesting too that you tell me I shouldn’t share this with any males. I think that is good advice. *

 

[prolifewife]

*((prolifewife)) I’m so sorry, I remember reading this a while back about your dh’s schedule. That stinks…and I know you’re thankful for the work. I mean, that goes without saying…before anyone jumps in and says to me…’‘be thankful he’s working.’’ I know…I am! lol

I said to him today…’‘is this LIVING?’’ He and I wish there was an easier way. I often daydream about moving to Italy, completely changing our lives, learning a new language, and working in a coffee shop…living on some remote farm somewhere.

Maybe you and your dh could come along. *

Yeah for us it is SO NOT an option to do anything else. He’s applied for different jobs, with this economy, no luck. I can’t hold down work, and what little I could get/do would do nothing more than pay for the added health care costs of me working. I obviously can’t NOT be sick, believe me I’ve tried. So, this crazy never ending saga is here to stay indefinitely, until God blesses us with something better. It’s so hard to wait. I’ve seriously thought of going off all my meds, not seeing any doctors, lay down all day in bed and not move a muscle and maybe I could make it without the insurance.

 

[prolifewife]

We’re in a similar situation too. I’m a stay at home mom, so I’m always here, but since I’m up when the little ones up, we only run into each other for about an hour a day. My husband’s latest hours are 10pm- 7am so he comes home and sleeps, wakes up around dinner time, and after dinner it’s time for bath and the bedtime routine (my daughter just started sleeping in her own bed and is still waking up most nights). He has to study anyway since he’s a full time graduate school student (all day weekend classes) so that doesn’t leave very much time.

I’m trying to focus on the fact that it won’t be forever, hopefully only a couple more years. The pregnancy hormones aren’t helping me much on this one though and I feel very emotional about it on a daily basis! At least he isn’t far away though. I can’t imagine how hard it would be to be pregnant with a little one if he was deployed or overseas for work.

:console:

 

[whatevergirl]

We’re in a similar situation too. I’m a stay at home mom, so I’m always here, but since I’m up when the little ones up, we only run into each other for about an hour a day. My husband’s latest hours are 10pm- 7am so he comes home and sleeps, wakes up around dinner time, and after dinner it’s time for bath and the bedtime routine (my daughter just started sleeping in her own bed and is still waking up most nights). He has to study anyway since he’s a full time graduate school student (all day weekend classes) so that doesn’t leave very much time.

I’m trying to focus on the fact that it won’t be forever, hopefully only a couple more years. The pregnancy hormones aren’t helping me much on this one though and I feel very emotional about it on a daily basis! At least he isn’t far away though. I can’t imagine how hard it would be to be pregnant with a little one if he was deployed or overseas for work.

*I’ve been crying today, maybe I’m pregnant…and it’s hormones! Kidding, I’m not prego. I have been meaning to congratulate you on your pregnancy…(by the way)

Thanks you for your sentiments, RSW. I appreciate it. You know, sometimes it just helps to throw your feelings out there into cyberspace, and see that we’re not alone. Not that I wish this on anyone, but it helps to know that others struggle with this also. (at times)

It’s not everyday, right everyone? It’s like every now and again…you just allow yourself to think about it…and then, I start feeling very detached. And perhaps, this is why I want to leave Florida…because I at least saw more of my dh in Pittsburgh!

The frustrating thing? There’s no end in sight to this. He just received his new schedule…and he was asked to do more training, and computer closing at night. *

 

[Em_in_FL]

*Can I just thank you for this advice? (bolded) I had not thought of it like that, and I think that is exactly what my dh was speaking of. Interesting too that you tell me I shouldn’t share this with any males. I think that is good advice. *

Good point. We find that we have to schedule “dates” more often when we’re living this crazy schedule. What about breakfast dates? And have him schedule “dates” with the kids too!

 

[whatevergirl]

Yeah for us it is SO NOT an option to do anything else. He’s applied for different jobs, with this economy, no luck. I can’t hold down work, and what little I could get/do would do nothing more than pay for the added health care costs of me working. I obviously can’t NOT be sick, believe me I’ve tried. So, this crazy never ending saga is here to stay indefinitely, until God blesses us with something better. It’s so hard to wait. I’ve seriously thought of going off all my meds, not seeing any doctors, lay down all day in bed and not move a muscle and maybe I could make it without the insurance.

*Oh, no no…don’t do that. Aw, I’m sorry prolifewife. You know, without faith, I really don’t think any of us would be able to get through the tougher times of life, right? I thought about that today…I said…Jesus, please strengthen me. That’s all I said…and say. It helps. I think we fear burdening Jesus with our worries, but truly…we are to go to Him, and not inward with our struggles. *

 

[whatevergirl]

*Hey–it’s a little past 3pm EST…if it’s that time by you…let’s pray the Chaplet of Divine Mercy. I’m going to say this in my office, and then–back to work

Thank you for sharing your experiences everyone…I will pray for you all, too.*

 

[prolifewife]

*Oh, no no…don’t do that. Aw, I’m sorry prolifewife. You know, without faith, I really don’t think any of us would be able to get through the tougher times of life, right? I thought about that today…I said…Jesus, please strengthen me. That’s all I said…and say. It helps. I think we fear burdening Jesus with our worries, but truly…we are to go to Him, and not inward with our struggles. *

Don’t worry I can’t/won’t. I’d be in the hospital if I did. It’s just frustrating you know. Thanks so much for the encouragement. :hug3:

 

[Whitacre_Girl]

whatevergirl I’m SO SORRY about the troubles!! :hug1:

My husband and I also have a different work schedule. I usually work evenings and weekends (part time) and he has a regular job. Plus my shcedule changes week-to-week so planning date nights is is out of the question.

I don’t have much to really give you in the way of how to deal with it except squeeze as much out of your time together as you can!

 

[laomath]

Ok, so I’m going to weigh in on this one.

My husband worked full time and went to school full time in the evenings for 3 years. I worked full time as well so that we could make ends meet while he was in school. On the weekends, when we were supposed to have more time together, he had to study. It was difficult. We had one child to start, then pregnant, then the second came in those 3 years. It was often that I felt like a single mom. I would laugh at my friends who were complaining that they’re husband was out of town for a few days and they had to cook and bathe and put the kids to bed!

First, hope that this is short turn. Maybe once the economy rebounds, you can have the same shift again. I definitely agree with setting dates. Use the weekends to the fullest extent - not for errands and running around, but for real quality time as a family. Finally, and maybe the most important, find good girlfriends that can help you socialize, get out, and support you. I tried to do some play groups and stuff in the evenings so that I could get some live adult conversation. That helped me the most.

As far as your intimacy goes, I understand it does cause stresses. Remember to thank each other for the sacrifices you both are making for your family. Its more stressful when you’re not as happy as you would like to be and you don’t think your spouse appreciate it.

Finally, pray together as much as you can. Ask for peace knowing that you are doing God’s will to support your family and ask Him to help you make the very best of your time together. Also, pray for those people whose situations is worse then yours: you mentioned those without work, the military families (been there, too), etc. Ask Him to help you bear your cross with joy. Remember that God does not give you what you cannot handle. Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger!

May God Bless You!!

 

[whatevergirl]

*I am grateful I posted this …thank you leomath and Whitacre Girl, and everyone for their (name removed by moderator)ut. It has helped me a lot to put things (back) in perspective. I have to fight the urge to regret moving to Florida, because that just makes things worse. I tend to blame his schedule, the economy, the changes at my work, etc…ALL on Florida. Poor Florida. lol

I have to also remember to thank the Lord for all of His blessings. Perhaps, it is the devil that is tapping my shoulder today with this negativity…you know? He is the great divider of marriages, and if he can wedge his way in, and divide couples…he will find the tiniest opening. I mustn’t let him.

Stand firm! Thanks, everyone. *

 

[pnewton]

I think it is good to have someone lined up so that you can break away and leave the kids behind. Honestly, we only have a chance to do this 2-3 times a month, and then not for more than a couple of hours. We also try to have an overnight escape 2-3 times a year. All of these are planned in advanced and take a prioritization to make it happen. This Sunday, it will be Grandma coming by so we can go to dinner. If I did not have her, I would have to arrange a regular sitter.

We plan trips around an opportunities for little escapes. When we see family, we try to line up an evening or sometimes even overnight to get away by ourselves. In turn, when we have company and when we are guest, we always make the offer to do the same if the ones we visit have a family.

I guess, it could even work to get with another couple and have a swap of services. One week you watch the kids from both families to provide and escape; the next week, you get away. I think children can be taught to appreciate the value of this time. There is a sense of security a child has in knowing their parents love each other.