How do you handle an opposite work schedule from your spouse?

[GratefulDad]

*I’ve been crying today, maybe I’m pregnant…and it’s hormones! Kidding, I’m not prego. I have been meaning to congratulate you on your pregnancy…(by the way)

Thanks you for your sentiments, RSW. I appreciate it. You know, sometimes it just helps to throw your feelings out there into cyberspace, and see that we’re not alone. Not that I wish this on anyone, but it helps to know that others struggle with this also. (at times)

It’s not everyday, right everyone? It’s like every now and again…you just allow yourself to think about it…and then, I start feeling very detached. And perhaps, this is why I want to leave Florida…because I at least saw more of my dh in Pittsburgh!

The frustrating thing? There’s no end in sight to this. He just received his new schedule…and he was asked to do more training, and computer closing at night. *

Hi Whatevergirl, Em_in_Fl. and everyone. Awwh,WG,:console: I know those split schedules can really be super tough. We have not really had a split schedule like you guys have to face, more like Em referred too. When I have more complicated engineering projects the nights do get long and going out of town for startups or construction is even tougher. My prayers for you too.

The one good thing is neither of you is traveling right now so that is one positive thing. One of my brothers is on a project in Malaysia, he left Dec. 26th and should be back in town next Friday. His DW and children are really missing him.

Anyway, I will try to make noon Mass tomorrow and keep everyone working overtime and not working in my prayers.

By the way, I thought the scheduled meetings was a pretty good idea,, but maybe I just thinking too much like a man?

 

[Jea9]

We’re sort of struggling with this too. A little different. But, the only place I could find a job that would cover a contract that I had (too many details to explain completely) is two hours from home. It also happens to be across a time zone…our home is in Mountain standard and my job is in Central time. Even if I could handle driving 4 hours a day, I have to be at work at 6:45am so I’d have to leave home at 3:30am our time. Ummm…I don’t think so…that would be awful! So, I stay in a dorm that the hospital I work for has available. From Sunday night through Friday afternoon. It’s tough, but we’re just dealing for it for a short time. We’re expecting in July and when the baby’s here I won’t be coming back to work, so that really helps to think of that. But, it doesn’t make it any easier when you have a rough day at work and really just need to get a hug from DH. Every weekend is special to us though, and we really enjoy our time together. It is hard to make myself want to clean the house though… Oh and I was staying home through early Monday morning (and leaving for work at 3:30am) and coming home on Wednesday nights even if we only saw each other for a couple hours, but being pregnant means I’m super tired and we don’t want to risk me falling asleep at the wheel. So, shorter time together. But, when I remember, I offer up the suffering for the unconverted…but I’m not a good sufferer yet…

 

[pandacordova]

When our children were young we worked opposite schedules because we could not afford the daycare. We both defended our time with each other tooth and nail. We made sure that our friends and family knew they were not to intrude on that time. There was plenty of time to goof off with friends when my husband was at work and the same for him and his friends. Any one who could not understand this did not stay our friends for long.

 

[whatevergirl]

I think it is good to have someone lined up so that you can break away and leave the kids behind. Honestly, we only have a chance to do this 2-3 times a month, and then not for more than a couple of hours. We also try to have an overnight escape 2-3 times a year. All of these are planned in advanced and take a prioritization to make it happen. This Sunday, it will be Grandma coming by so we can go to dinner. If I did not have her, I would have to arrange a regular sitter.

We plan trips around an opportunities for little escapes. When we see family, we try to line up an evening or sometimes even overnight to get away by ourselves. In turn, when we have company and when we are guest, we always make the offer to do the same if the ones we visit have a family.

I guess, it could even work to get with another couple and have a swap of services. One week you watch the kids from both families to provide and escape; the next week, you get away. I think children can be taught to appreciate the value of this time. There is a sense of security a child has in knowing their parents love each other.

*I agree…we are going away this weekend as a family…just an overnight. I am looking forward to it. My kids are teens, 17 and 13…so a dinner here and there isn’t hard to do, it’s just finding the time. One of the nights my husband has off, our daughter has religious ed classes! lol Always something. Thank you for your post here, pnewton. I appreciate your thoughts…and to know others feel like me, sometimes. *

 

[whatevergirl]

Hi Whatevergirl, Em_in_Fl. and everyone. Awwh,WG,:console: I know those split schedules can really be super tough. We have not really had a split schedule like you guys have to face, more like Em referred too. When I have more complicated engineering projects the nights do get long and going out of town for startups or construction is even tougher. My prayers for you too.

The one good thing is neither of you is traveling right now so that is one positive thing. One of my brothers is on a project in Malaysia, he left Dec. 26th and should be back in town next Friday. His DW and children are really missing him.

Anyway, I will try to make noon Mass tomorrow and keep everyone working overtime and not working in my prayers.

By the way, I thought the scheduled meetings was a pretty good idea,, but maybe I just thinking too much like a man?

*Yeah, that is so true…we at least are not doing overnight travel. I used to do that with my job…and he did back in Pittsburgh. That’s a relief! I appreciate your sentiments here…I didn’t realize how many people out there work opposite schedules. Wow! My prayers are with everyone here. *

 

[whatevergirl]

We’re sort of struggling with this too. A little different. But, the only place I could find a job that would cover a contract that I had (too many details to explain completely) is two hours from home. It also happens to be across a time zone…our home is in Mountain standard and my job is in Central time. Even if I could handle driving 4 hours a day, I have to be at work at 6:45am so I’d have to leave home at 3:30am our time. Ummm…I don’t think so…that would be awful! So, I stay in a dorm that the hospital I work for has available. From Sunday night through Friday afternoon. It’s tough, but we’re just dealing for it for a short time. We’re expecting in July and when the baby’s here I won’t be coming back to work, so that really helps to think of that. But, it doesn’t make it any easier when you have a rough day at work and really just need to get a hug from DH. Every weekend is special to us though, and we really enjoy our time together. It is hard to make myself want to clean the house though… Oh and I was staying home through early Monday morning (and leaving for work at 3:30am) and coming home on Wednesday nights even if we only saw each other for a couple hours, but being pregnant means I’m super tired and we don’t want to risk me falling asleep at the wheel. So, shorter time together. But, when I remember, I offer up the suffering for the unconverted…but I’m not a good sufferer yet…

*Wow–I’m in awe, give me a minute. lol Seriously, that is quite a schedule, but I admire how you can put it all in perspective. I don’t know how long this will last…if we move back to PA, which we are seriously seriously considering …for this summer, possibly, then of course, things would change again …but if we remain here for a while, the likelihood of my dh having this schedule for some time coming, is probable. I will hold you in my prayers!!

I like how you say that you offer up your suffering…hmmm, I hadn’t thought of doing that, thank you for that idea. Congratulations on your pregancy also, Jea! *

 

[whatevergirl]

When our children were young we worked opposite schedules because we could not afford the daycare. We both defended our time with each other tooth and nail. We made sure that our friends and family knew they were not to intrude on that time. There was plenty of time to goof off with friends when my husband was at work and the same for him and his friends. Any one who could not understand this did not stay our friends for long.

Good advice, thank you!!

 

[whm]

My wife is a stay at home mom and home schools our 2 children. She is often exhausted by the time I get home and get the kids to bed. This last year we have made a big effort to spend most of our free time together. We have about .5 to 1 hour together before she falls asleep. I make a point to stay in the room with her the entire time and watch whatever she wants on tv. Lately it has been reruns of “Little House on the Prairie”. (TV sure has changed for the worse from when that show ran in prime time) It is the best time of the day for us!

 

[whatevergirl]

My wife is a stay at home mom and home schools our 2 children. She is often exhausted by the time I get home and get the kids to bed. This last year we have made a big effort to spend most of our free time together. We have about .5 to 1 hour together before she falls asleep. I make a point to stay in the room with her the entire time and watch whatever she wants on tv. Lately it has been reruns of “Little House on the Prairie”. (TV sure has changed for the worse from when that show ran in prime time) It is the best time of the day for us!

*haha I didn’t know that show was still airing. Thanks for your (name removed by moderator)ut. I’m feeling a little better today, it’s Friday–we’re set to have some quality time together as a family as my dh has Sunday and Monday off, so do the kids and me…so we shall see. One day at a time. *

 

[that_name]

Yeah for us it is SO NOT an option to do anything else. He’s applied for different jobs, with this economy, no luck. I can’t hold down work, and what little I could get/do would do nothing more than pay for the added health care costs of me working. I obviously can’t NOT be sick, believe me I’ve tried. So, this crazy never ending saga is here to stay indefinitely, until God blesses us with something better. It’s so hard to wait. I’ve seriously thought of going off all my meds, not seeing any doctors, lay down all day in bed and not move a muscle and maybe I could make it without the insurance.

Have you applied for SSDI? You will then be eligible for Medicaid.

 

[Mrs_Sally]

*I agree…we are going away this weekend as a family…just an overnight. I am looking forward to it. My kids are teens, 17 and 13…so a dinner here and there isn’t hard to do, it’s just finding the time. One of the nights my husband has off, our daughter has religious ed classes! lol Always something. Thank you for your post here, pnewton. I appreciate your thoughts…and to know others feel like me, sometimes. *

We don’t have the schedule problems you do, but even with both of us working days it can still be hard to match up free time.

We use every minute that we can. One night of the week, when the kids are both in evening classes, we take that time to be together. We go out somewhere quick and inexpensive for dinner (a local pizzaria usually) and just sit and talk. Nothing fancy, just a chance to be alone together.

Another idea, because I know your job is sales and might be more flexiable, is to carve out sometime in the am. Can you go in to work later every so often? After the kids go to school then you and dh can have breakfast and talk.

And finally, an appointment for intimacy isn’t all that crazy. You can look forward to it–prepare a little (clean the bedroom, wear a nice nighty, etc. ) instead of thinking of it as a check off on the list of things to do!

 

[onmyknees]

Hi whatevergirl,

I just wanted to tell you that I am praying for you and all the others who are struggling with not enough time to enjoy your family life.

I remember when my dh and I did this and it was so hard. My dh is a police officer and I was a LPN at a hospital when our boys were small. I worked 12 hour night shifts part-time and he worked 3pm- to 11pm and we both worked the weekends and holidays. This went on for what seemed like forever. I definitely felt like a single mom during the week. The boys never seemed to get to spend any time with their dad. I had a quite a few melt downs during these years. I remember when my back was bad again(I have a spinal disease that flares up quite often) and I was crawling around on the floor trying to take care of my boys and crying at the same time!

I have to say if I could do this part of my life over I would not work 12 hour night shifts. My dh still works many hours, nights, weekends and holidays but I am unable to work at all now because of my spine. I even had to give up my volunteer job at our church but I still can go to the Nursing home to pray, visit and give them Holy Communion when I feel ok. This is what helps me through my week when I can get out.

We do have a lot more time together now that only my dh works and my boys are grown.
It is like we are newlyweds again. Just something to look forward to but it was really hard when the boys left. May God be with you during this trying time.

 

[LilyElain]

My dad commutes 10 hours every other weekend to come home…so my mom is definitely in the same position…praying for you and all wives who deal with separation…

 

[LongingForLight]

Thanks to WG for this thread - DH and I don’t have opposite schedules, but they are staggered somewhat. I get to see him off in the morning, and since I WFH many days he can come in and give me a hug or two. We sleep together at night. But most of our time together is spent helping each other w/ chores, getting ready, etc., or covering for each other to get some extra sleep (usually me . . . being pregnant and all).

I don’t think we’re quite to appointments, but I’m close to asking for them. I hate it when we have an hour together, but we weren’t expecting it and just waste the time spacing out because we’re so exhausted.

 

[whatevergirl]

*Thank you to all who shared their stories…I will keep you in my prayers.

Lily–wow, that is a long commute. I feel for your dad and mom there. Thanks for sharing that with me.

Longingforlight–I hear you – dh and I end up doing ‘‘unromantic’’ things…because we don’t have enough time together, we are having to ‘‘catch up’’ on discussing finances, the kids, maybe moving to Pgh, etc…we discussed it this morning, it resulted in an argument…isn’t that great? The small window of time we had before he went to work, we argued. I pray God enlightens me. I need help with this, I admit.

onmyknees–Prayers for you. I am so sorry to hear about your spine…what? Are you injured? Back injuries are so very painful, please know you’re in my prayers. :console: *

 

[whatevergirl]

We don’t have the schedule problems you do, but even with both of us working days it can still be hard to match up free time.

We use every minute that we can. One night of the week, when the kids are both in evening classes, we take that time to be together. We go out somewhere quick and inexpensive for dinner (a local pizzaria usually) and just sit and talk. Nothing fancy, just a chance to be alone together.

Another idea, because I know your job is sales and might be more flexiable, is to carve out sometime in the am. Can you go in to work later every so often? After the kids go to school then you and dh can have breakfast and talk.

Unfortunately, I tried for this, and it was declined…because others would want to work from home. Soooo…I have to be at the office in the am…something that worked for a time last year, was for about 5 months, I went down to a 4 day workweek, and took the days off to coincide with my husband’s schedule…but, that was also lower pay. So, guess everything has a trade. But, I’m planning to do this again in a few months. I just have a lot to do for this quarter, and to go down to 4 days, it might not be wise right now. But, it’s tempting. I like the breakfast idea though. My husband could meet me for lunch on his days off. Hmmm. There’s a thought!

And finally, an appointment for intimacy isn’t all that crazy. You can look forward to it–prepare a little (clean the bedroom, wear a nice nighty, etc. ) instead of thinking of it as a check off on the list of things to do!

 

[onmyknees]

onmyknees–Prayers for you. I am so sorry to hear about your spine…what? Are you injured? Back injuries are so very painful, please know you’re in my prayers.

---

whatevergirl,

Thank you so much for caring concern and your prayers. I have had this auto-immune disease since I was 16. It is an inflammatory disease of the spine called ankylosing spondylitis. When I have a bad flare up it is usually the low back or neck. The discs, muscles, and ligaments are involved. It is really hard to walk sometimes too. All my joints ache because they are all connected to the spine. I go to a rheumatologist , a physical therapist, and take my meds. but it still can get so bad that I have to stay home often for about a week using ice and alternating positions every half hour. I also cannot lift, read, (unless online) or do most exercises. It gets really depressing when this happens. I am not on any disability either so I feel guilty not sharing the financial load with my dh. Any ways I try to think of how fortunate I am to have my dh, my two sons, my mom, and good friends! Sorry for whining about about my problem. I guess I just needed to get the frustration out too.:shrug:

 

[sheilathebard]

Gee, I saw this thread and thought it would be a good place to complain … now I’m seeing so many of you have it much worse than we do.

I am a teacher, and I have a 45 min - 1 hr commute, so I am gone M-F for most of the day. My husband is a bank teller, and they have decided to make him the “weekend guy” – so he tends to work Monday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday, generally starting around ten or eleven and getting off at seven on the weekdays. I am so excited because tomorrow is MLK day and we both have off! That generally only happens for holidays these days. I love having a whole day together, because we can go places and neither of us is tired.

BUT, I guess this serves as a reminder that we don’t NEED a whole day together … we do have time in the evenings and weekend mornings. Unfortunately, since I am pregnant I can’t stay up late or get up that early. But my husband is very sweet and gets up with me on my work mornings, even though he doesn’t have to work yet.

Prayers for all of you dealing with this situation!

 

[whatevergirl]

*Hi all–just a mini update. We went away yesterday to visit one of my husband’s brothers…we had a blast. I get along great with his wife, and the kids all went out for icecream. (weird when your kids go out without you, because their cousins are driving!) lol I think it’s what we needed, and I’m thinking of taking tomorrow off as a vacation, day…hubby too. Today’s my husband’s birthday…so, we’re doing something special tonight, also.

Prayers for you all…have to MAKE time, I guess. *

 

[LongingForLight]

The small window of time we had before he went to work, we argued.

I really don’t like it when that happens You aren’t the only one who could use a little help there.

Somewhat off-topic, but my sister and her DH have been struggling with this issue for years - probably 7 years now. They are currently in marriage counseling (for many reasons), but I was very glad to hear that they wouldn’t be staggering schedules anymore next year - although I’m sad they are giving up homeschooling. It was working really well for their eldest. They’ve decided to put the kids into private school or day care during the day; and their marriage definitely needs to be coming first right now.