How do you handle pressure to use ABC?

[ConcernCatholic]

I know there have been tons of threads about ABC and NFP. My question is how do you handle pressure from people to use ABC, especially when it is from a fellow Catholic? I recently had a miscarriage and I told my family that we would probably wait a while to try again. My MIL recommended that I get on some kind of BC. Of course, we do use NFP when we are trying to delay pregnancy. I can actually argue with non-Catholics easier than I can Catholics. When talking to non-Catholics, I avoid the religious issue all together and present it as a health issue. I cannot seem to do this with other Catholics because they assume that I am doing it for religious reasons, like I am blindly following the teachings of the Church. How do you withstand this pressure from a family member (pushy MIL)? I have actually been tempted to use ABC because it would be so much easier. I converted last year and never questioned my refusal to use ABC until my MIL started hounding me about it. She makes it quite clear that she does not agree with the churches teachings on this. Any ideas?

 

[CatholicSam]

In my very humble little opinion I believe using NFP for moral reasons is the more honorable, valiant reason. If it is a moral choice, you are seeking to please God. For health reasons, you are more seeking to please yourself. Are you really using NFP for moral reasons, or for health reasons? Probably a combination of both, but if the moral aspect was not there, would you still use it? What is wrong with following Church teachings?

I would be tempted to say “Well, MIL, I looked at what the Catechism teaches about ABC, and did you know that it’s actually a MORTAL SIN??? Gosh, there’s no way that I’m going to knowingly do something that will prevent me from being able to receive the body of Our Lord in the Holy Eucharist, just for convenience!” And then she’ll say “Well I don’t agree with that teaching! The Church needs to adapt to modern life!” And you can say “Well, no offense, but I’m going to choose to go with the official Church teaching rather than your personal opinion.” If she hounds you further you can say “I’m not one of these Cafeteria Catholics who pick and choose which teachings suit them. I follow all of the teachings of the Church that Jesus founded.” Yes, she will be offended, but hopefully she’ll know better than to touch this subject with you in the future

 

[Princess_Abby]

Why does it matter that she doesn’t agree? Can she find something other then your sex life to be concerned about?

When this issue came up for us, my husband told his mother that our sex life and the choices we make concerning it are absolutely none of her business and that we won’t entertain a discussion about suggestions pertaining to it. She bristled at the idea of being told that she was involving herself too intimately, but shoving an opinion about birth control at you and when to have a child is doing just that. Some topics are simply off-limits! Family planning is completely between you and your husband and she should not enter her opinion whatsoever, much less “pressure” you to do one thing or another.

Can you step back from the situation and ask yourself if you are seriously considering using birth control to appease your nosey, pushy MIL???

 

[momof3boys]

I agree with Princess_Abby. It is none of your MIL’s business. I would tell her politely, of course, to butt out!

 

[Daniel_Marsh]

Hi CC, I would look at them stern like in the eye and say “get thee behind me satan” with a little smerk, just to make them wonder.

 

[Jennifer_J]

I would just like to say, that’s easier said than done (telling MIL to mind her own business), in many cases! There are people who just don’t take the hint or the out right “BUTT OUT” ! It can be a strain and a struggle, that’s for sure. However, I think if my MIL brings it up again, I may have to say something along the lines of
“I don’t ask about your sex life, leave mine alone.” but it’s so hard to not sound rude about it!
God bless!

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

You need a scenario right? This is a matter of politeness, not a matter of using ABC. You don’t want to tell the nosey MIL to stick it in her ear (well, you do, but you don’t). You want a polite way to shut her up without yelling “Shut up, you horrible old witch!” Right?

The best defense if a good offense. Don’t discuss this matter with your MIL ever, ever again.

SHOULD IT COME UP AGAIN, TRY THIS:

• Fix your eyes on your MIL, as if you were looking at a pile of garbage that grew legs and walked in the door.
• While looking as if the garbage walked in, plaster the biggest, phoniest smile on your face you can.
• Say, “Thank you for your concern” while still smiling and looking utterly repulsed. Make sure your teeth are showing while you say this, but that your eyes reflect horror and revulsion.
• Change the subject.
  -If she won’t change the subject, just keep saying louder, "I said, ‘Thank you for your concern’ and talk to somebody else about anything else. Grab your cell phone and talk to nobody at all, talk to the baby, talk to the dog.

It will take you some practice to get the look and smile down just right, so spend some time in the bathroom with the mirror.

 

[CatholicSam]

OutinChgoburbs:

It will take you some practice to get the look and smile down just right, so spend some time in the bathroom with the mirror.

Could you please help us out with a picture of this face?

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

CatholicSam:

Could you please help us out with a picture of this face?

I will have to do some morphing of two faces. The whole procedure was not mine, but Miss Manners (Judith Martin). Obviously, there must be a way to do it.

 

[KCT]

Jennifer J:

I would just like to say, that’s easier said than done (telling MIL to mind her own business), in many cases! There are people who just don’t take the hint or the out right “BUTT OUT”

It is hard, but there can be no conversation if you don’t answer her.

There are charitable ways of saying mind your own business. “Our personal life personal. We don’t care to discuss it.” If she asks again, flat out change the subject. Act like you didn’t hear her and talk about something else.

It doesn’t sound like you’re giving in to pressure to use ABC. It sounds like you need to set boundaries regarding what you will and will not discuss w/ certain people.
—KCT

 

[leaner]

ConcernCatholic:

I know there have been tons of threads about ABC and NFP. My question is how do you handle pressure from people to use ABC, especially when it is from a fellow Catholic? I recently had a miscarriage and I told my family that we would probably wait a while to try again. My MIL recommended that I get on some kind of BC. Of course, we do use NFP when we are trying to delay pregnancy. I can actually argue with non-Catholics easier than I can Catholics. When talking to non-Catholics, I avoid the religious issue all together and present it as a health issue. I cannot seem to do this with other Catholics because they assume that I am doing it for religious reasons, like I am blindly following the teachings of the Church. How do you withstand this pressure from a family member (pushy MIL)? I have actually been tempted to use ABC because it would be so much easier. I converted last year and never questioned my refusal to use ABC until my MIL started hounding me about it. She makes it quite clear that she does not agree with the churches teachings on this. Any ideas?

In my wildest dreams, I have a reply…LOL, but alas, those are just dreams…(I know my MIL feels the same way as yours, but DH has been a peach in keeping her on a leash where our personal decisions are concerned). I would, however love to say “–while we’re on the subject, how often do you and Dad have sex?” and just stare at her until she got the point…which is: “none of your flippin business!!”

In real life, I would also recommend enlisting DH to have a word or 10 with her…after all, if it were the other way around, wouldn’t you step up and set your mom straight? I know I sure would. And I would tell her “he is my life, and I am asking you to back off of him for my happiness as well as his” – I expect him to do the same (tho men are a bit different (read: more prone to hesitate here) than women are in this area, so cut him some slack…let him take baby steps towards the ultimate goal if need be…I know my DH had trouble at first speaking up – he said it’s b/c I’m more forgiving than she…poor guy, afraid of his own mom…so I keep that as one of my goals for when my son grows up…to not be so dang fearful for him!

 

[Declaration]

You should not be discussing your sexual behaviors with your in-laws – or with anybody else, for that matter.

Do you discuss what transpires in the confessional with other people?

Marriage is a sacrament – a covenant between you, your spouse, and God. Certain aspects of it are private. If you treat it that way – all the time, with all other people – then you can, in all honesty, tell your MIL, “That aspect of our marriage is private.”

But don’t try this if you also want to tell your woman friends how wonderful your DH is in bed (or if you want to complain if he’s not!). You can only expect others to respect the sanctity of your marriage if you respect it yourself.

 

[goravens]

Declaration:

You should not be discussing your sexual behaviors with your in-laws – or with anybody else, for that matter.

Do you discuss what transpires in the confessional with other people?

Marriage is a sacrament – a covenant between you, your spouse, and God. Certain aspects of it are private. If you treat it that way – all the time, with all other people – then you can, in all honesty, tell your MIL, “That aspect of our marriage is private.”

But don’t try this if you also want to tell your woman friends how wonderful your DH is in bed (or if you want to complain if he’s not!). You can only expect others to respect the sanctity of your marriage if you respect it yourself.

Very well said! Off topic a bit, but I’m often shocked by how much women co-workers discuss regarding their husbands and marriage. It’s sacred, people! There are some things that need to be kept between husband and wife. Refusing to get into conversations with your mother-in-law regarding abc/nfp is a good boundary to set for your marriage.

 

[Island_Oak]

Princess_Abby:

Why does it matter that she doesn’t agree? When this issue came up for us, my husband told his mother that our sex life and the choices we make concerning it are absolutely none of her business and that we won’t entertain a discussion about suggestions pertaining to it. She bristled at the idea of being told that she was involving herself too intimately, but shoving an opinion about birth control at you and when to have a child is doing just that. Some topics are simply off-limits! Family planning is completely between you and your husband and she should not enter her opinion whatsoever, much less “pressure” you to do one thing or another.

:clapping:

 

[ConcernCatholic]

Declaration:

You should not be discussing your sexual behaviors with your in-laws – or with anybody else, for that matter.

It was never my intent to discuss this with her. It arose because I had a miscarriage and some abnormal results came up on the ultrasound. I mentioned that we might have to wait for 6 months to a year before we could even think about trying again. She was concerned for my health because of the miscarriage. My husband has had many discussions with her about our choices but she seems to disregard him. She took my informing her about the state of my health as an opportunity to point out how she didn’t agree with the Church’s teaching on ABC. Of course, this led to her pressuring me to use it. She talks about how other family members are on the pill for health reasons. She loves to point out the rampant use of ABC. I wonder if she thinks she will eventually wear me down.

 

[ConcernCatholic]

OutinChgoburbs:

You need a scenario right? This is a matter of politeness, not a matter of using ABC. You don’t want to tell the nosey MIL to stick it in her ear (well, you do, but you don’t). You want a polite way to shut her up without yelling “Shut up, you horrible old witch!” Right?

The best defense if a good offense. Don’t discuss this matter with your MIL ever, ever again.

SHOULD IT COME UP AGAIN, TRY THIS:

• Fix your eyes on your MIL, as if you were looking at a pile of garbage that grew legs and walked in the door.
• While looking as if the garbage walked in, plaster the biggest, phoniest smile on your face you can.
• Say, “Thank you for your concern” while still smiling and looking utterly repulsed. Make sure your teeth are showing while you say this, but that your eyes reflect horror and revulsion.
• Change the subject.
  -If she won’t change the subject, just keep saying louder, "I said, ‘Thank you for your concern’ and talk to somebody else about anything else. Grab your cell phone and talk to nobody at all, talk to the baby, talk to the dog.

It will take you some practice to get the look and smile down just right, so spend some time in the bathroom with the mirror.

I like this suggestion. Recently, I had to all but tell her to stick it in her ear on a matter of my children’s health. She continued to insinuate that my parenting abilities were lacking because I tend to question things which I do not understand. She can’t seem to get a grip on the fact that I am going to home school my children and be a SAHM. That is not how she did it, so I shouldn’t do it either. At one point, I sent her a link to some information explaining my point of view. She came back with a rather haughty response. I politely pointed out the fact that I am a librian with a master’s degree and have done my research and this matter is no longer up for discussion. Now her points of attack rest on the fact that my husband is over weight and that I should be on ABC. I didn’t mind my tongue very well and told her, “Don’t be too concerned, he has made sure that he has enough life insurance.” I have to mentally prepare myself to talk to her or visit her because of her tendency to always find something to natter us about. Thank God she lives two states away.

 

[ConcernCatholic]

Princess_Abby:

Why does it matter that she doesn’t agree? Can she find something other then your sex life to be concerned about?

That is all she does is find things to be concerned about. My husband is going to die because he is over weight. The fact that he quit smoking and drinking and takes daily walks with the dog is completely irrelevant. If it is not that, it will be something else.

Princess_Abby:

Can you step back from the situation and ask yourself if you are seriously considering using birth control to appease your nosey, pushy MIL???

I think about at times in anger but then I snap back to reality and realize that she is just a lonely old lady in retirement that has nothing better to do than put her nose in where it does not belong.

 

[CatholicSam]

Not to discuss this topic to death, but in some circumstances, I believe talking about birth control choices with others is THE thing to do. It’s apologetics!! It’s evangelization!! I personally am disappointed that my MIL has not questioned us about our use of NFP, because I know I could win any debate over this. “Ok, what problems do you have with NFP? It’s not effective? Well, actually it is MORE effective than the pill. Oh, only for regular cycled women? Nope, wrong again, it works well for regular or irregular cycles…” and so on. Why do some people think that talking about this should *always * be off-limits to everyone? If NFP users don’t talk about it to their pill-popping peers, no wonder the pill usage is so rampant. Please, people, look for good opportunities to correct misinformation about NFP!

 

[KCT]

ConcernCatholic:

She can’t seem to get a grip on the fact that I am going to home school my children and be a SAHM. That is not how she did it, so I shouldn’t do it either.

Bingo! She feels insecure because you’re doing something different than she did. She may even think that by doing something different, you’re somehow judging what she did as wrong. (which I doubt you are - she raised your hubby and you love him!) Maybe she needs to feel validated for some of her choices - needing to know her choices were not wrong, just different.

I think this is common in our parent’s generation, esp for women. They didn’t have the choices and options women have today.
–KCT

 

[janelle]

CatholicSam:

Why do some people think that talking about this should *always * be off-limits to everyone? If NFP users don’t talk about it to their pill-popping peers, no wonder the pill usage is so rampant. Please, people, look for good opportunities to correct misinformation about NFP!

Talking about NFP vs. ABC is completely different than talking about what happens in the marriage bed.

Of course, ConcernedCatholic’s MIL needs to be shut up since she doesn’t seem to comprehend rational conversations, but in other situations it is very appropriate to talk about NFP.