How do you handle pressure to use ABC?

[Ana]

After our first child, my inlaws (non-catholic Christians) were constantly pressuring us to use ABC. For a couple years we were basically ALWAYS on the defensive about it.It made for an opportunity for them to hear for the first time the TRUE teachings of the Church, and that NFP was NOT the ryhtym method. Although it seemed mainly they weren’t listening. Finally, after a few years (and a few children) later,my MIL and I got closer and instead of being on the defensive, I took opportunities just to bring up in conversation naturally the positive fruits of our decision to adhere to Church teaching. They were so many, she couldn’t possibly deny them. ESPECIALLY when her son is has grown into such a wonderful husband and father, and we have such a beautiful and strong marriage. I know they are proud.

Kind of like these …

“I feel so blessed to be with such a loving man … he is pro life, and it is lived out every day in his devotion to us. You have really got yourself a son to be proud of.”

“Do you know one of the most romantic things he’s ever said to me? He said why would I want you to put hormones in your body, just so I can have sex with you whenever I want?” She looked shocked for a moment, than just BEAMED!! (It was really cute …I think this one really penetrated.)

I also shared some literature with her, books, pamphlets and stuff. I don’t know if she ever read them, but the comments stopped completely from BOTH of them. And when we shared the news of our expected fourth child, they were INSTANTLY filled with joy. No hesitation, or awkward pauses, but genuinely happy and gushing!

Now, my mother the Catholic. She’s a different story. She didn’t talk to me for a whole day, when I told her, than acted resigned to it, although when baby gets here she will spoil him just like the others. She is constantly saying to my husband … “We are done, we’re not having anymore!” As if they are having the babies!! She says this to him, because she thinks I am the religious nut and he is just following my lead. My husband is just as strong in his convictions, just not as vocal … esp. because it is MY mother.

She knows by now that ABC is out of the question, so she’s pushing the NFP (which we use to postpone AND conceive) to be used only as contraception, whereas I do not commit to being “finished”, or “not finished” for that matter. So help us God, we will always remain open.

 

[Stac4Grace]

I just gave birth to our fifth child about 2 months ago and I can’t tell you how many times towards the end of my pregnancy my OB doctors asked what kind of birth control are you going to use? Are you going to have your tubes tied? You should have seen the look on their faces when I told them no! People even asked my husband if he was going to get “fixed”? After a few times of that he finally told one person,“Why would I do that, there doesn’t seem to be anything broken”. My husband’s grandpa said I don’t know how they can afford to have all those kids. I say, you don’t have to pay for them so don’t worry about it! His mom also said something about us having five kids and my husband told her that God must have planned for us to have them otherwise we wouldn’t. She didn’t say much after that. Nowadays people think it’s a sin if you have more than two kids. Most of the time we try to ignore those remarks but other times it’s hard. We can’t imagine our lives without any one of our kids, they truely are blessings!

 

[CatholicSam]

Stac4Grace:

I just gave birth to our fifth child about 2 months ago and I can’t tell you how many times towards the end of my pregnancy my OB doctors asked what kind of birth control are you going to use? Are you going to have your tubes tied? You should have seen the look on their faces when I told them no! People even asked my husband if he was going to get “fixed”? After a few times of that he finally told one person,“Why would I do that, there doesn’t seem to be anything broken”. My husband’s grandpa said I don’t know how they can afford to have all those kids. I say, you don’t have to pay for them so don’t worry about it! His mom also said something about us having five kids and my husband told her that God must have planned for us to have them otherwise we wouldn’t. She didn’t say much after that. Nowadays people think it’s a sin if you have more than two kids. Most of the time we try to ignore those remarks but other times it’s hard. We can’t imagine our lives without any one of our kids, they truely are blessings!

Congratulations!! I would have liked to see the look on the face of that person your husband told off. Having just one right now, I don’t know what it’s like to have people ask me that. I just went to the doctor for a checkup to make sure I’m in good health to have more babies (whenever my fertility returns), and everyone looked very happy about it. I guess if I came in with my brood of 5 it would have been a different story!

On the subject of large families and society’s unacceptance of them: I often hear from moms of large(r) families that it annoys them when people ask “Are they ALL yours???” As someone who aspires to be in their shoes one day, if that is God’s will, I am often tempted to ask this question, mostly out of admiration. So next time someone asks you moms of 3+ kids if they’re all yours, don’t automatically take it as an insult. I believe many people asking this are coming from the point of view “Wow! How in the world do you do it? You’re amazing!”

 

[Black_Jaque]

. . .like I am blindly following the teachings of the Church.

This “blind follower” phrase has been bantered about this society so much that I’m beginning to see red every time I see/hear it! It’s as if a blind follower is *the only type *of follower that exists.

Maybe, just maybe, some of us thought things over very carefully. And as a direct result of such careful scrutiny we are following Church teachings.

Next person to insinuate that I blindly follow church teachings, I’m gonna let 'em have it!

 

[ConcernCatholic]

Black Jaque:

This “blind follower” phrase has been bantered about this society so much that I’m beginning to see red every time I see/hear it! It’s as if a blind follower is *the only type *of follower that exists.

Maybe, just maybe, some of us thought things over very carefully. And as a direct result of such careful scrutiny we are following Church teachings.

Next person to insinuate that I blindly follow church teachings, I’m gonna let 'em have it!

AMEN!!!

If most people would open their minds a little, they would realize that the Catholic Church adheres to natural law in most instances. To deny the laws of the Church would be to deny the laws of nature.

 

[JGheen]

ConcernCatholic:

I know there have been tons of threads about ABC and NFP. My question is how do you handle pressure from people to use ABC, especially when it is from a fellow Catholic? I recently had a miscarriage and I told my family that we would probably wait a while to try again. My MIL recommended that I get on some kind of BC. Of course, we do use NFP when we are trying to delay pregnancy. I can actually argue with non-Catholics easier than I can Catholics. When talking to non-Catholics, I avoid the religious issue all together and present it as a health issue. I cannot seem to do this with other Catholics because they assume that I am doing it for religious reasons, like I am blindly following the teachings of the Church. How do you withstand this pressure from a family member (pushy MIL)? I have actually been tempted to use ABC because it would be so much easier. I converted last year and never questioned my refusal to use ABC until my MIL started hounding me about it. She makes it quite clear that she does not agree with the churches teachings on this. Any ideas?

I’m an independent person and I could never IMAGINE anyone being brazen enough to try to direct my sex life! Especially my mother in law! Yew! I’m very sorry for what you are going through. You will be in my prayers.

As long as your hubby supports your decision, there is nothing anyone else can do. Quietly persevere in your decision and if anyone tries to question your choice, I’d looked extremely shocked and embarrassed and perhaps mutter . . . “I’m sorry I’m not in the habit of discussing such intimate details”. This should get the message across that the topic is not open for discussion, much less debate. If your MIL persists, your husband needs to step up and defend you.

Discussions about natural family planning / birth control are only rewarding if BOTH parties participate. Don’t participate, if you are uncomfortable – You have the right to refuse to discuss the details of your life. Once your MIL voices her disapproval of your choice, the matter should be dropped, as your silence will not give her any fuel to continue. If she persists in haranguing you, then there are boundary and control issues (completed separate from reproductive rights) that needs to be addressed.

 

[JGheen]

Stac4Grace:

I just gave birth to our fifth child about 2 months ago and I can’t tell you how many times towards the end of my pregnancy my OB doctors asked what kind of birth control are you going to use? Are you going to have your tubes tied? You should have seen the look on their faces when I told them no! People even asked my husband if he was going to get “fixed”? After a few times of that he finally told one person,“Why would I do that, there doesn’t seem to be anything broken”. My husband’s grandpa said I don’t know how they can afford to have all those kids. I say, you don’t have to pay for them so don’t worry about it! His mom also said something about us having five kids and my husband told her that God must have planned for us to have them otherwise we wouldn’t. She didn’t say much after that. Nowadays people think it’s a sin if you have more than two kids. Most of the time we try to ignore those remarks but other times it’s hard. We can’t imagine our lives without any one of our kids, they truely are blessings!

Last time I went into my OBGYN for an annual check up, my doctor asked 4 times if I wanted a prescription for birth control. And all within the 20 - 30 minutes she spent with me.

The first two times I just said “no” - the women makes her money prescripting birth control, I didn’t want to get into a fight with her b/c there is nothing I could have said to change her mind anyway. The third time, I said, “no, it’s kind of against my beliefs”. The fourth time I said “no” and started thinking I need a new doctor.

It is was very annoying and I felt she was pushing BC on me. At the same time my consistent refusal was a witness. I’m definitely switching doctors if I get pregnant though - I don’t think I could stomach her more then once a year.

 

[SeekerJen]

Hmmm…for us, I think any pressure we receive will be in the other direction. DH and I are officially “infertile” according to the medical definition, which is more than one year of actively trying without achieving pregnancy. My parents are aware of this, fully sympathize (there’s a reason why I’m an only child), and wouldn’t dream of bugging us about children, but my husband’s parents don’t know, and we really don’t have the kind of relationship where we discuss such things with them. I’m just waiting for a couple more of DH’s cousins to have kids, and then the awkward questions should start up: “So, when are you going to have kids? You’re not getting any younger, you know. You won’t be fertile forever. Don’t you want kids? Kids are so great, they’ll change your life. C’mon, you should really start having them while you’re young enough to enjoy them…” (Can you tell that we’ve fielded these from non-relatives already?)

What works for us: “This is a matter between us and God.” “God will give us children when He sees fit.” Basically, a polite conversation-ender and a change of subject. If that doesn’t get the message across, something a little blunter like “We’re infertile” usually works. We’ve never had anyone bug us beyond that, but I imagine if that happened, we’d probably start edging over into slight rudeness. It’s really no one else’s business.

 

[CatholicSam]

SeekerJen:

Hmmm…for us, I think any pressure we receive will be in the other direction. DH and I are officially “infertile” according to the medical definition, which is more than one year of actively trying without achieving pregnancy. My parents are aware of this, fully sympathize (there’s a reason why I’m an only child), and wouldn’t dream of bugging us about children, but my husband’s parents don’t know, and we really don’t have the kind of relationship where we discuss such things with them. I’m just waiting for a couple more of DH’s cousins to have kids, and then the awkward questions should start up: “So, when are you going to have kids? You’re not getting any younger, you know. You won’t be fertile forever. Don’t you want kids? Kids are so great, they’ll change your life. C’mon, you should really start having them while you’re young enough to enjoy them…” (Can you tell that we’ve fielded these from non-relatives already?)

What works for us: “This is a matter between us and God.” “God will give us children when He sees fit.” Basically, a polite conversation-ender and a change of subject. If that doesn’t get the message across, something a little blunter like “We’re infertile” usually works. We’ve never had anyone bug us beyond that, but I imagine if that happened, we’d probably start edging over into slight rudeness. It’s really no one else’s business.

You’ve probably heard about every devotion dealing with infertility in the book. But just in case you haven’t, praying to Our Lady of La Leche has been attributed to many miraculous pregnancies. Let me know if you would like the official prayer. Of course I will pray for you to have children if and when God wills it.

 

[SeekerJen]

JGheen:

Last time I went into my OBGYN for an annual check up, my doctor asked 4 times if I wanted a prescription for birth control. And all within the 20 - 30 minutes she spent with me.

The first two times I just said “no” - the women makes her money prescripting birth control, I didn’t want to get into a fight with her b/c there is nothing I could have said to change her mind anyway. The third time, I said, “no, it’s kind of against my beliefs”. The fourth time I said “no” and started thinking I need a new doctor.

It is was very annoying and I felt she was pushing BC on me. At the same time my consistent refusal was a witness. I’m definitely switching doctors if I get pregnant though - I don’t think I could stomach her more then once a year.

Urgh. Yeah, I’ve gotten the same treatment from my OB-GYN. So for my next checkup, I think I’m going to try this place: caritascenter.com/

It’s in Ann Arbor, so a bit of a hike, but it will be worth it to not have the Nuva Ring or those weird “only 4 periods a year” pills pushed on me.

 

[SeekerJen]

CatholicSam:

You’ve probably heard about every devotion dealing with infertility in the book. But just in case you haven’t, praying to Our Lady of La Leche has been attributed to many miraculous pregnancies. Let me know if you would like the official prayer. Of course I will pray for you to have children if and when God wills it.

Thanks, you’re a dear. I’d love the prayer.

 

[Jennifer_J]

When we were first pregnant with our 5th, I didn’t want to tell my MIL and put it off for quite a while. I was well into the 2nd trimester when an ultrasound showed I might have placenta previa (I didn’t, btw, everything was fine). I wanted to call the Catholic portion of the family and ask for prayers, but that meant I HAD to call my MIL, because if she found out any other way, there would be heck to pay! She was stunned when I told her and after everything worked out she started in on me. I bluntly told her I love all my children and God blessed me with them, which one would she like to NOT be here? That shut her up. I try not to bring up these topics with her, but eventually you have to tell them you’re pregnant. Her daughter is currently pregnant with her third and we get to hear how terrible that is! oy-vey! I need to call my sil and congratulate her! Thankfully my husband’s grandmother is VERY supportive of our largish family–they wanted at least 8 but she had medical problems and they could only have 5. God bless her!

 

[Black_Jaque]

Just tell her you get more multiple orgasms using NFP. And OOOOH are they tremendous ones!

Or the next time she brings it up, look at your watch and say, “Oh my goodness! Thanks for reminding me! It’s time.” Then grab your husband by the hand and head for the nearest private room.

 

[ConcernCatholic]

SeekerJen: It is kind of irritating that people have to bug you when you don’t have children. We currently have two but when we first got married everybody was bugging us about when we were going to have children. We loosely used NFP because we were in grad school. We threw NFP out the window after we had our first miscarriage.

I recently had another miscarriage and boy I sure did catch flack for being pregnant with a third child. After the miscarriage, a lot of people expressed sympathy. Dear MIL has used this as an opportunity to recommend ABC because I expressed a desire to wait and make sure that everything is OK. (If everything is OK, caution is getting thrown to the wind )

The really ironic thing is that my parents were ecstatic when they found out I was expecting again and were truly sad when I miscarried. My parents aren’t really religious but my mom will tout the evils of ABC from a purely health perspective. There isn’t an artificial means of birth control that my mom can’t tell you something horrible about. Don’t let my mom near a soapbox when it comes to birth control.

My poor MIL only had 2 children whereas my parents had 4. My father has even confided in my husband that he wished they had more I absolutely adore my father. I think my parents are closet Catholics and don’t know it. It really perplexes me that I have more problems defending the faith to my Catholic MIL than my non-Catholic family.

 

[CatholicSam]

SeekerJen:

Thanks, you’re a dear. I’d love the prayer.

http://www.missionandshrine.org/photos/our_lady_statue.jpg
Lovely Lady of La Leche, most loving Mother of the Child Jesus, and my Mother, listen to my humble prayer. Your motherly heart knows my every wish, my every need. To you only, His spotless Virgin Mother, has your Divine Son given to understand the sentiments which fill my soul. Yours was the sacred privilege of being the Mother of the Saviour. Intercede with Him now, my loving Mother, that, in accordance with His will, I may become the mother of other children of our heavenly Father. This I ask, O Lady of La Leche, in the Name of your Divine Son, My Lord and Redeemer. Amen.

I found the Shrine of Our Lady of La Leche at the Nombre de Dios Mission in St. Augustine, FL, by “accident” while vacationing there in my 3rd month of pregnancy. I said this and other prayers every day, and I had an absolutely wonderful, complication-free delivery of a 100% healthy baby Here is the website where you can see a “virtual tour” of the Shrine.

 

[JGheen]

Black Jaque:

Just tell her you get more multiple orgasms using NFP. And OOOOH are they tremendous ones!

Or the next time she brings it up, look at your watch and say, “Oh my goodness! Thanks for reminding me! It’s time.” Then grab your husband by the hand and head for the nearest private room.

LOL

 

[JGheen]

SeekerJen:

Hmmm…for us, I think any pressure we receive will be in the other direction. DH and I are officially “infertile” according to the medical definition, which is more than one year of actively trying without achieving pregnancy. My parents are aware of this, fully sympathize (there’s a reason why I’m an only child), and wouldn’t dream of bugging us about children, but my husband’s parents don’t know, and we really don’t have the kind of relationship where we discuss such things with them. I’m just waiting for a couple more of DH’s cousins to have kids, and then the awkward questions should start up: “So, when are you going to have kids? You’re not getting any younger, you know. You won’t be fertile forever. Don’t you want kids? Kids are so great, they’ll change your life. C’mon, you should really start having them while you’re young enough to enjoy them…” (Can you tell that we’ve fielded these from non-relatives already?)

What works for us: “This is a matter between us and God.” “God will give us children when He sees fit.” Basically, a polite conversation-ender and a change of subject. If that doesn’t get the message across, something a little blunter like “We’re infertile” usually works. We’ve never had anyone bug us beyond that, but I imagine if that happened, we’d probably start edging over into slight rudeness. It’s really no one else’s business.

This is a great lesson for all the rest of us to be gentle with each other - especially when “supporting” our religious beliefs. We don’t always know each other’s private lives and situations.

 

[Agricola]

Daniel Marsh:

Hi CC, I would look at them stern like in the eye and say “get thee behind me satan” with a little smerk, just to make them wonder.

I like this one… though it may have some undesireable consequences. “Satan? Pshaw! He’s nothing, I talked with my MIL this morning.”

God bless,

Agricola

 

[Jennifer_J]

SeekerJen:

Urgh. Yeah, I’ve gotten the same treatment from my OB-GYN. So for my next checkup, I think I’m going to try this place: caritascenter.com/

It’s in Ann Arbor, so a bit of a hike, but it will be worth it to not have the Nuva Ring or those weird “only 4 periods a year” pills pushed on me.

Ooooo, you’ll like Dr. Fleming. When I lived in Ypsilanti, I went to him (though I used the midwives for deliveries, he did my very first ultrasound with my first son), he was in a different practice then–and did deliveries at St Joseph Mercy. It would be worth the drive from Detroit to Ann Arbor and it looks like they’re located on Dominoes Farms which isn’t all the way into town. Good luck!

 

[JGheen]

ConcernCatholic:

It really perplexes me that I have more problems defending the faith to my Catholic MIL than my non-Catholic family.

First off, my deep sympathies about your miscarriages. I know it must have been a great loss to your family.

Scott Hahn (a great Catholic in my opinion) once said that while he was considering converting to Catholicism the greatest stumbling block was other Catholics. How sad!

I think perhaps because the Church is so large and also clear about its doctrine, those who break away feel the need to justify themselves to everyone else. I also think those who feel they can’t justify their actions have deep-seated insecurities which result in them simply try to bully others into acting as they do – because they can’t be criticized or feel guilty for doing something that the other person is doing it too.

Someone who quietly but consistently goes about their business acting justly is the greatest annoyance to these bullies. Firstly, it bothers bullies because it gives them no ammunition (other then the beliefs) to criticize. Bullies love to pick on rudeness, coldness or other universally acknowledged bad traits over the actual beliefs, because they get acceptance easier from others. Secondly, bullies are driven crazy by not being able to control others or get the desired response.