How do you handle this?

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H34RT

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I know a guy whose wife cheated on him with his best friend. They got caught but not by the husband. They have since broke it off. So everyone knows except this guy. I know for a fact that if I say nothing the marriage will continue till one of them dies of old age.

Should I say something knowing if I do say something I will break up a marriage? Or do I keep my mouth shut like everyone else? They have no kids and have been married for 30+ years.:confused:
 
What would be the purpose of telling him? To hurt him?

No? Then keep it to yourself.
 
I feel bad for the guy. Everybody around him knows except him. I also suspect the best friend’s other friend(s) have been putting out rumors he has ED so that if it does leak there will be more sympathy for the best friend. Not 100% sure on that. Just a very good suspicion based on something that I heard.
 
H34RT said:
So everyone knows except this guy.
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Don’t be so sure about that one. No one knows what really goes on in anyone’s marriage except the husband and wife.
H34RT said:
I know for a fact that if I say nothing the marriage will continue till one of them dies of old age.
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How wonderful ! I think it would be great if all marriages lasted forever. Why on earth would you want to stop that???
 
I’m going to be the opposite of most here. He deserves to know. Living life thinking your spouse is faithful, all the while others know she is a cheating liar, well, how is that fair? If my spouse were cheating on me, I’d want to know. I’d want to know so that I wasn’t disillusioned, so that I could be tested for diseases, etc.

Why on earth people advocate for not telling, and the flippant (IMO) attitude of confession fixing it all is beyond me. Confession doesn’t take away what she did, confession doesn’t lessen his chance for disease, confession doesn’t make what she did ok. She broke their vows. Vows that were stated before God, family, & friends. Clearly they mean nothing to her, cheating doesn’t just “happen”.

I will pray that there is someone in this man’s life who loves him enough to be truthful with him & stand with him after as he begins to heal.
 
H34RT said:
I know a guy whose wife cheated on him with his best friend. They got caught but not by the husband. They have since broke it off. So everyone knows except this guy. I know for a fact that if I say nothing the marriage will continue till one of them dies of old age.

Should I say something knowing if I do say something I will break up a marriage? Or do I keep my mouth shut like everyone else? They have no kids and have been married for 30+ years.:confused:
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While the secular world says that cheating is a reason for divorce, I don’t think the Church holds that opinion.
If he truly does not know, then all you will do is hurt him. You might be surprised that not everyone talks about what goes on in their marriage. He may actually know and they may actually be working on fixing things.

I don’t know what the point of you stating that they have no children and have been married for so long. Some people CAN’T have children. That doesn’t mean anything when it comes to their marriage.
 
How do you know he doesn’t know? Maybe he does know and pretends he doesn’t to save some sense of dignity.

My sister-in-law carried on with other guys before she and my brother-in-law were married, and after they were married, and probably still does. We know because she practically bragged about it. Her husband knows, too, but he doesn’t know that we know. So we keep quiet about it to save him the humiliation of finding out that it’s public knowledge.

I wouldn’t tell your friend.
 
OP, has it occurred to you that he knows and doesn’t want to make that public knowledge? The right thing would have been if “everyone” would have kept their mouths shut and not made this the subject of gossip.

If the affair were ongoing, you’d have to confront the couple and tell them they have to either quit immediately, tell themselves, or you are going to tell, take their choice. As it is, they have quit and for all you know they’ve made their confessions privately to those who have standing to hear it.

You do not know for a fact what is going to happen to this marriage, but you do know that since you have never “caught” that man and woman in their wrong-doing it is none of your business to act on hearsay and gossip. If anyone brings this up, you can say that.
 
How do you know that he doesn’t know about it? Maybe he does and he’s just ignoring it, or pretending he doesn’t know in order to save face, or has dealt with it and has forgiven his wife?
 
KendraDZ1902 said:
I don’t know what the point of you stating that they have no children and have been married for so long. Some people CAN’T have children. That doesn’t mean anything when it comes to their marriage.
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I think it was stated meaning if something is said and they were to decide to divorce there were no children in the mix. That is a big factor when deciding, if there was more than one party that would be involved in this mess (children) I don’t think it was insinuating anything about their marriage or being childless in any other way other than that!
 
I guess this is one of those moments where you have to decide which decision you can live with. On one hand you can keep quite and livewith the knowledge that a friend is/was being cheated on and hope and pray that she changes her ways and pray that your dishonesty is forgiven (after all you knew that adultery was being commited and said nothing). On the other hand you can bring to light this woman’s cheating and possibly break up a 30 year marriage and possibly end your friendship with this person (let’s face it, no one likes the messenger who brings this kind of news). Either way there really isn’t a convincing argument to sway one way or the other. I know if I was the one being cheated on I would like to know, because a marriage based in llies and broken vows isn’t a good marriage and there are obvious issues that need to be brought to light and resolved. I do not believe in divorce, I believe that issues need to be worked through and that it’s a time to rely on your church, your priest,prayers and those around you that you trust. There are people who stood up for you on your wedding day that said htey’s help protect your marriage, this would be a time to lean on them.
The only thing you can do is pray and let your heart and God be your guide. If answers still don’t come, talk to your priest/pastor/spiritual leader.
 
The husband does have the right to separate, and he can only exercise that right if he knows about his wife’s infidelity (e.g.: intratext.com/IXT/ENG0017/_P44.HTM). The fact that they are childless means the consequences of separation are much less (in my mind, at least).

Beyond that, STD tests are not fail-safe, and she can still infect him with something incurable.

+Sebastian
 
I don’t believe in divorce, but if she is hiding something of this magnitude from him, then what they have is not a marriage.

Tell him.

They have a right to a good marriage, and they have no chance of that while she keeps this from him. They deserve a chance to work past this.
 
FrenzyJen said:
I don’t believe in divorce, but if she is hiding something of this magnitude from him, then what they have is not a marriage.

Tell him.

They have a right to a good marriage, and they have no chance of that while she keeps this from him. They deserve a chance to work past this.
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If “everyone” knows, he knows. Some people just don’t go around telling their own business. 🤷
 
FrenzyJen said:
I don’t believe in divorce, but if she is hiding something of this magnitude from him, then what they have is not a marriage.

Tell him.

They have a right to a good marriage, and they have no chance of that while she keeps this from him. They deserve a chance to work past this.
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Yours is not the definition of a marriage that Catholics have. It is a marriage.

A marriage in not invalidated by “hiding something of a certain magnitude.” If find it quite odd and out of place that anyone would find this anyone else’s business but the married couple.
 
FrenzyJen said:
I don’t believe in divorce, but if she is hiding something of this magnitude from him, then what they have is not a marriage.

Tell him.

They have a right to a good marriage, and they have no chance of that while she keeps this from him. They deserve a chance to work past this.
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No, if you’re going to insist on butting in, at least have the courage and decency to talk to her, first. If the husband already knows, she can tell you, and you will save everyone a very hurtful and embarrassing incident that would serve no good purpose at all. If she has a good reason for not telling him, she can at least make her case.

If you just have to make it your business to make sure he’s told (which is really not your business if you only have this on second-hand gossip), then you owe it to the couple to allow the wife the opportunity to make the disclosure herself. Whatever you do, though, do not go in and “out” someone with no prior warning. You’ll be setting off a bomb in the middle of that marriage and causing all sorts of pain that might possibly have been avoided if you’d been more prudent.
 
H34RT said:
I know a guy whose wife cheated on him with his best friend. They got caught but not by the husband. They have since broke it off. So everyone knows except this guy. I know for a fact that if I say nothing the marriage will continue till one of them dies of old age.

Should I say something knowing if I do say something I will break up a marriage? Or do I keep my mouth shut like everyone else? They have no kids and have been married for 30+ years.:confused:
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I would keep out of it. It can’t do any good to tell him and maybe he knows already just chooses to ignore it hoping the problem will just go away. Only family or his wife would have to right to tell him if it was in his interest to know.
 
To keep focused on answering the title question, I would STHU and MMOB.
 
If I were in your position and got this question popping in my head, I would tell myself:

You don’t have to handle this, it’s none of your business. Just pray for them.
 
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