How do you handle times of intense suffering?

[Gertabelle]

It’s been quite a month.

Death.
Illness.
Suicide.
Separation and divorce (not mine).
Serous divisions in our community.
Loss of friendships.

Sometimes everything in life just seems to fall apart at once.

Surely I’m not the only one who’s been through times like this. How do** you **get through them?

Do you reach out to family and friends? Do you isolate? Do you increase prayer, mass attendance, devotions? Do you experience the presence of God? Do you experience darkness? Do you watch sad movies and cry? Do you seek humor and laughter?

I’ve been through hard times before – I come from an enormous family (22 aunts and uncles, 41 cousins, and those cousins’ spouses and kids), so I’ve been through a whole lot of illness and death, and loss and mourning in my 47 years.

During these times, I tend to pull away from unnecessary or frivolous interaction. Since it’s summer, I’m spending tons of time working in the yard while my son plays, or swimming laps while my son swims with his friends, or at mass and in prayer when my son’s at his dad’s house. It’s like that introvert side of me just shuts people out. Not in a bad way, though. I’m still praying for everyone, and we’re in touch electronically. I may also make some bad decisions when I’m like this… not sure about that, but trying to be careful.

My son’s about the only human being who’s getting my attention right now – we play games and watch movies. Kind of life as usual for him, so I’m just there for him as he needs, trying to be “normal.” But it takes some effort to be goofy and playful, ya know?

I’m hoping this isolation is helping me to get through this in a productive way. That is, I’m hoping there is some benefit to all this pain in the long run, in this life and in eternity. Right now, it just feels like pain.

I’d like to hear your thoughts, how you get through intensely hard times, when little if anything feels stable or normal.

God bless you.

Gertie

 

[AKDee]

Do you reach out to family and friends? Do you isolate? Do you increase prayer, mass attendance, devotions? Do you experience the presence of God? Do you experience darkness? Do you watch sad movies and cry? Do you seek humor and laughter?

All of this. Sometimes I do reach out. Sometimes I hole up at home. Sometimes I go outside and experience nature. Sometimes I sit in the dark. Sometimes I’m a total slob and let the house become a disaster. Sometimes I go on a cleaning binge, as though cleaning up the house might somehow tidy up my life. Sometimes I feel God’s presence, other times I feel completely abandoned. Sometimes I immerse myself in prayer, other times I can’t seem to pray at all and can only ask the Holy Spirit to pray on my behalf. Sometimes I watch sad movies to deliberately make myself cry- other times I watch movies with the intent to escape.

It’s why when someone is grieving or going through a rough patch and they think they’re doing something wrong I tell them there is no right or wrong way. You can only do what is right for you right now.

 

[pianistclare]

I let my friends know I’m hurting.
It’s almost as good for you as it is for them to offer comfort. As a Catholic community, we are to comfort the brokenhearted, the grieving, the sick. How are they afforded these opportunities if we seal ourselves off? I find that my friends who develop odd thoughts or begin to doubt their faith are the ones who don’t want to talk…who hide and lick their wounds, so to speak. Alone with their torments, they start to think God is absent in their lives. We have a unique ministry of sorts when we care for others who are hurting. We can steer them to a good priest, a nice retreat center, a peaceful place to pray…and we can be with them in silence as well. Just being with them often helps.
True, some people are more private, but it’s important to make ourselves available, and let them know that they only need say the word. And if we are the ones hurting…cut the people who want to reach out to you some slack. They’re not being nosy. They love you. And genuinely want to help and offer you Christ’s peace.

 

[marymmma]

I lost my 25-year marriage when my husband called me one night, six years ago, to tell me he didn’t love me anymore and wouldn’t be coming home. I thought at the time that this was the worst pain possible and didn’t know how I could go on. It was awful, still is, but I didn’t know what was still to come.

Three years ago my father died after a horrible battle with alzheimers. Four months later my brother died unexpectedly. One horrifying loss after another seemed to be happening to me. I still didn’t know what was to come. (ETA: I got this backwards. Sorry. My brother died first, three years ago and my dad died next four months later.)

Then…a year and a half ago, my oldest son, 28, died. The worst night of my life. My world changed completely. Everything I was, I am no more. I didn’t want to live. Sometimes I still don’t. I didn’t know what to do with my life anymore. I still don’t. I started counseling. I have two therapists. One is a pastor of a local non-denominational church. I was diagnosed with anxiety, major depressive disorder with tendencies toward psychosis or something like that, and PTSD. It can’t get worse than that, but…

My mother has dementia. Last August her health went totally south and we had to place her in a nursing home. It’s a really bad one. She’s been kicked out of one nursing home and we had to search and search to find one that would take her because of the severe behavioral issues of her dementia. Doctor after doctor wouldn’t take her because she was more trouble and took more time than the average dementia patient. It’s hard on me to go see her because part of her change is she cries all the time. You can do nothing to calm her or make her feel better. All the pain I’ve had in the past six years and now my mom going through this and could lose her at anytime is more than I can bear anymore. I can’t bear anymore pain but I constantly wonder who is next?

So I isolate. I don’t get out unless I just absolutely have to. I eat, sleep, get on computer, sleep, watch tv, sleep. There is no more joy in my life. I want to run away but I know it won’t solve anything so here I stay. I’m very lonely but at the same time I want to be alone. Weird. I’ve been wanting to go back to church but am having a lot of issues with it, not to mention I can’t bear to get outside. I am basically just existing until I can be with my son again. If I can…

 

[ChibiViolet]

You’re remembering to pray and that is very good. Even just asking the Holy Spirit to intercede for you is still prayer. You might also ask the Holy Spirit to shine upon you. Staying close to God is always the most important thing–suffering or not. I will pray for you now.

 

[hazcompat]

Be still.

Peace

 

[pianistclare]

**You’re Catholic. See the priest. TODAY. **
Catholic Social Services and the Chancery have place, options, counselors, everything you need to stabilize your feelings.
you need help and the Church is there fro you. Take the help.
Tell your pastor everything. EVERYTHING. Tell him your feelings of despair.
Let him steer you back. Call now. Go today is at all possible. We’ll be praying for you.

 

[Gertabelle]

All of this. Sometimes I do reach out. Sometimes I hole up at home. Sometimes I go outside and experience nature. Sometimes I sit in the dark. Sometimes I’m a total slob and let the house become a disaster. Sometimes I go on a cleaning binge, as though cleaning up the house might somehow tidy up my life. Sometimes I feel God’s presence, other times I feel completely abandoned. Sometimes I immerse myself in prayer, other times I can’t seem to pray at all and can only ask the Holy Spirit to pray on my behalf. Sometimes I watch sad movies to deliberately make myself cry- other times I watch movies with the intent to escape.

It’s why when someone is grieving or going through a rough patch and they think they’re doing something wrong I tell them there is no right or wrong way. You can only do what is right for you right now.

I let my friends know I’m hurting.
It’s almost as good for you as it is for them to offer comfort. As a Catholic community, we are to comfort the brokenhearted, the grieving, the sick. How are they afforded these opportunities if we seal ourselves off? I find that my friends who develop odd thoughts or begin to doubt their faith are the ones who don’t want to talk…who hide and lick their wounds, so to speak. Alone with their torments, they start to think God is absent in their lives. We have a unique ministry of sorts when we care for others who are hurting. We can steer them to a good priest, a nice retreat center, a peaceful place to pray…**and we can be with them in silence as well. Just being with them often helps. **
True, some people are more private, but it’s important to make ourselves available, and let them know that they only need say the word. And if we are the ones hurting…cut the people who want to reach out to you some slack. They’re not being nosy. They love you. And genuinely want to help and offer you Christ’s peace.

Thanks for the kind words and advice. Although I have been keeping myself very isolated, some of the women from choir have been dropping by just to hang out. They’ve never done this before, and it’s been surprising and comforting.

I realized last night when one of them stopped by, that this is as much a comfort for her as for me. We’re both hurting from the deep division in our community – the loss of friendships, the taking of sides, and the separation/impending divorce of our dear friends… We feel we can’t talk about these hurts with those outside of our community (gossip and all that), and we’re on the same page with not taking sides… unless it’s God’s side of things. Another of my friends, also in the middle of this community split, and I ended up praying the rosary together on the phone at midnight one night, and it was a blessing in so many ways!

It seems this time that I am not as isolated because this suffering is a community experience. And being there for each other in this sorrow is helping us be there for each other in the other things going on, like the suicide of my cousin and my mom’s health issues.

So this time around, a tiny community of four seems to be the way through. Never would have called this one!

God bless you!

Gertie

 

[Gertabelle]

…

So I isolate. I don’t get out unless I just absolutely have to. I eat, sleep, get on computer, sleep, watch tv, sleep. There is no more joy in my life. I want to run away but I know it won’t solve anything so here I stay. I’m very lonely but at the same time I want to be alone. Weird. I’ve been wanting to go back to church but am having a lot of issues with it, not to mention I can’t bear to get outside. I am basically just existing until I can be with my son again. If I can…

**You’re Catholic. See the priest. TODAY. **
Catholic Social Services and the Chancery have place, options, counselors, everything you need to stabilize your feelings.
you need help and the Church is there fro you. Take the help.
Tell your pastor everything. EVERYTHING. Tell him your feelings of despair.
Let him steer you back. Call now. Go today is at all possible. We’ll be praying for you.

Please do call your pastor or another priest and just have a conversation. When I’ve been in my deepest hurts, I couldn’t stand to be around people who were just trying to cheer me up. But most priests can just be with those suffering, and can listen in a way that heals.

Praying for you.

Gertie

 

[housedude]

I lost my 25-year marriage when my husband called me one night, six years ago, to tell me he didn’t love me anymore and wouldn’t be coming home. I thought at the time that this was the worst pain possible and didn’t know how I could go on. It was awful, still is, but I didn’t know what was still to come.

Three years ago my father died after a horrible battle with alzheimers. Four months later my brother died unexpectedly. One horrifying loss after another seemed to be happening to me. I still didn’t know what was to come. (ETA: I got this backwards. Sorry. My brother died first, three years ago and my dad died next four months later.)

Then…a year and a half ago, my oldest son, 28, died. The worst night of my life. My world changed completely. Everything I was, I am no more. I didn’t want to live. Sometimes I still don’t. I didn’t know what to do with my life anymore. I still don’t. I started counseling. I have two therapists. One is a pastor of a local non-denominational church. I was diagnosed with anxiety, major depressive disorder with tendencies toward psychosis or something like that, and PTSD. It can’t get worse than that, but…

My mother has dementia. Last August her health went totally south and we had to place her in a nursing home. It’s a really bad one. She’s been kicked out of one nursing home and we had to search and search to find one that would take her because of the severe behavioral issues of her dementia. Doctor after doctor wouldn’t take her because she was more trouble and took more time than the average dementia patient. It’s hard on me to go see her because part of her change is she cries all the time. You can do nothing to calm her or make her feel better. All the pain I’ve had in the past six years and now my mom going through this and could lose her at anytime is more than I can bear anymore. I can’t bear anymore pain but I constantly wonder who is next?

So I isolate. I don’t get out unless I just absolutely have to. I eat, sleep, get on computer, sleep, watch tv, sleep. There is no more joy in my life. I want to run away but I know it won’t solve anything so here I stay. I’m very lonely but at the same time I want to be alone. Weird. I’ve been wanting to go back to church but am having a lot of issues with it, not to mention I can’t bear to get outside. I am basically just existing until I can be with my son again. If I can…

 

[housedude]

Have you tried resting in Adoration?

 

[TriciaF]

With tears, prayers, asking online convents and monasteries for prayers.
Dear Gertabelle, you and your family are in my prayers today

 

[Wyrd]

Hello, I would like to preface my thoughts by saying that I am not Catholic, but I follow a modiefied version of Stoic philosophy that as far as I can tell is consistent with scientific belief, however maybe I can be of use to you. This is what comes to my mind during these times.

"Everything harmonizes with me, which is harmonious to thee, O Universe.
Nothing for me is too early nor too late, which is in due time for
thee. Everything is fruit to me which thy seasons bring, O Nature:
from thee are all things, in thee are all things, to thee all things
return. "

The Stoics viewed Nature as giving to humans everything and that everything ot gave was either good or neutral and if neutral could be turned to the good by aligning our minds to proper ways of thinking.

“Just as we must understand when it is said, That Aesculapius prescribed
to this man horse-exercise, or bathing in cold water or going without
shoes; so we must understand it when it is said, That the nature of
the universe prescribed to this man disease or mutilation or loss
or anything else of the kind. For in the first case Prescribed means
something like this: he prescribed this for this man as a thing adapted
to procure health; and in the second case it means: That which happens
to (or, suits) every man is fixed in a manner for him suitably to
his destiny. For this is what we mean when we say that things are
suitable to us, as the workmen say of squared stones in walls or the
pyramids, that they are suitable, when they fit them to one another
in some kind of connexion. For there is altogether one fitness, harmony.
And as the universe is made up out of all bodies to be such a body
as it is, so out of all existing causes necessity (destiny) is made
up to be such a cause as it is. And even those who are completely
ignorant understand what I mean, for they say, It (necessity, destiny)
brought this to such a person.- This then was brought and this was
precribed to him. Let us then receive these things, as well as those
which Aesculapius prescribes. Many as a matter of course even among
his prescriptions are disagreeable, but we accept them in the hope
of health. Let the perfecting and accomplishment of the things, which
the common nature judges to be good, be judged by thee to be of the
same kind as thy health. And so accept everything which happens, even
if it seem disagreeable, because it leads to this, to the health of
the universe and to the prosperity and felicity of Zeus (the universe).
For he would not have brought on any man what he has brought, if it
were not useful for the whole. Neither does the nature of anything,
whatever it may be, cause anything which is not suitable to that which
is directed by it. For two reasons then it is right to be content
with that which happens to thee; the one, because it was done for
thee and prescribed for thee, and in a manner had reference to thee,
originally from the most ancient causes spun with thy destiny; and
the other, because even that which comes severally to every man is
to the power which administers the universe a cause of felicity and
perfection, nay even of its very continuance.”

Regarding death of loved ones:

“The will of nature may be learned from those things in which we
don’t distinguish from each other. For example, when our neighbor’s
boy breaks a cup, or the like, we are presently ready to say, “These
things will happen.” Be assured, then, that when your own cup likewise
is broken, you ought to be affected just as when another’s cup was
broken. Apply this in like manner to greater things. Is the child
or wife of another dead? There is no one who would not say, “This
is a human accident.” but if anyone’s own child happens to die, it
is presently, “Alas I how wretched am I!” But it should be remembered
how we are affected in hearing the same thing concerning others.”

Regarding suffering:

"And now we are sending you to Rome to spy out the land; but none send
a coward as such a spy, that, if he hear but a noise and see a shadow
moving anywhere, loses his wits and comes flying to say, The enemy
are upon us!

So if you go now, and come and tell us: “Everything at Rome is terrible:
Death is terrible, Exile is terrible, Slander is terrible, Want is
terrible; fly, comrades! the enemy are upon us!” we shall reply, Get
you gone, and prophesy to yourself! we have but erred in sending such
a spy as you. Diogenes, who was sent as a spy long before you, brought
us back another report than this. He says that Death is no evil; for
it need not even bring shame with it. He says that Fame is but the
empty noise of madmen. And what report did this spy bring us of Pain,
what of Pleasure, what of Want? That to be clothed in sackcloth is
better than any purple robe; that sleeping on the bare ground is the
softest couch; and in proof of each assertion he points to his own
courage, constancy, and freedom; to his own healthy and muscular frame.
“There is no enemy near,” he cries, “all is perfect peace!”

I should note both these men lived out their philosophy actively in their lives. Epictetus was a greek slave with a lame leg that never married. Some think his master may have broken his leg at a young age. Instead of being cowardly and laying down to die he became one of the preeminent philosophers of his time and started a school and took care of an orphan when a friend died.

Marcus Aurelius suffered from a disease that seemed to weigh on him at times and had to watch over the Empire during a time of distress with many political enemies and the physical threat of war. Anyhow, hopefully this helps. Be well.

 

[Gertabelle]

Hello, I would like to preface my thoughts by saying that I am not Catholic, but I follow a modiefied version of Stoic philosophy that as far as I can tell is consistent with scientific belief, however maybe I can be of use to you. This is what comes to my mind during these times.

…

Anyhow, hopefully this helps. Be well.

Thank you, Wyrd, for taking the time to consider this and share your thoughts. I will have to spend time with this later because my eyes are aching and I can barely focus on the screen at present. I’m always very interested in hearing the beliefs/perspectives of those outside Catholicism from themselves. There is often much we have in common, I think.

Just FYI, you can go into your profile and change your religion from “Catholic” to something that better reflects who you truly are. Those little points of integrity can go a long way in our spiritual growth, IMHO. And also, you wouldn’t have to explain at the beginning of other posts

Anyway, thank you again for your kindness and (name removed by moderator)ut. God bless you!

Gertie