How do you honor an abusive father?

[Keri1978]

I will start out saying that I (like all of us) am trying to be the person that God intended.

I am having difficulties honoring my father. He was abusive to my brother and myself. My father is now “mentally disabled” and cannot function as an adult. He had a physical brain injury. I am no longer living in my parents’ home. My mother and he are still married. She takes care of him as he cannot do so on his own. I have requested that she not bring him to my house. If he is at another family gathering and walks into a room where I am, I will (the majority of the time) leave the room. I don’t “hate” him, I feel sorry for him (most of the time).

It is my understanding that I am to hold him in “love and esteem”? I find it very difficult to love a man that can treat his children the way my father did.

 

[Michelle_Arnold]

Keep in mind that I am not a therapist. You may wish to talk to a Christian-friendly therapist about these issues. You can contact the Pastoral Solutions Institute for either telephone counseling or a referral to a therapist in your area.

All that I can tell you is that you don’t have to have good feelings about your father in order to give him honor as your father. You don’t even have to like him. What the feelings are known as is “affection,” and what you endured as a child may have made it impossible for you to have affection for your father. All that you must do to honor your father is to love him.

Sounds contradictory, doesn’t it? But Christian love is not dependent upon affection. It is an act of the will that desires what is best for the beloved and is willing to sacrifice for the beloved. The ultimate object of that desire for the beloved is union with God. You must want for your father that he ultimately be saved. So, what can you do in the meantime to develop an attitude of Christian love for your father? Here are a few ideas that might help:

You might do what you can to support your mother in caring for your father. If you can’t tolerate physically caring for him yourself, you might hire a trained nursing assistant to give your mother respite breaks. So long as your father is not a danger to you or your family, you might visit with him and your mother at family gatherings and allow occasional visits in your home. You might go to your parents’ house on occasion and visit with them, or at least to bring them what material comforts you can that your mother might have expressed to you a need or desire for (e.g., food treats, books, comfort clothing, etc.).

The point is that if your father is no longer actively abusing you or your family, helping to care for him in his illness is one way to honor him. And, it will also allow you to honor your mother as well.