How do you honor parents who are wrong?

[acalderaio]

How do you address an issue with your parents when they are not correct?

My sister-in-law is married in the eyes of the Church and the state, and she is “engaged” to a gentleman who is married in the eyes of the state (not married in the Church). My in-laws, who are also Catholic, have nurtured and supported this relationship. It makes it difficult to get together when I do not support the relationship and we (my husband and I) have hinted that we do not feel comfortable with his parents’ acklowledgement and support of the relationship. They answer “we are almost 70 years old,” and do get upset when we even hint that we are not of the same mind on this issue.

Unfortunately this has been going on for over two years now. I feel resentful that I am not able to express my feelings on the subject, and feel that I can only have a relationship with my in-laws if I pretend I am okay with the arrangement, or just turn a blind eye. I suppose it is especially difficult because my in-laws to feel that they are authority figures on moral issues.

Please help.

 

[Michelle_Arnold]

I assume that you and your husband are of one mind on this issue. If not, that will make dealing with his parents more difficult. Adult children need not agree with parents or defer to their judgment of a moral action in order to rightly honor them. All they need do is to treat them with respectful courtesy due to elders. If your in-laws bring up the subject of your sister-in-law’s relationship, your husband could say politely, “Mom and Dad, we disagree on this subject and would prefer not to argue about it further. Could we please change the subject?”

If they continue to talk about it, or take on an “injured” demeanor, your husband could say, “If we cannot change the subject, I’m afraid [your name] and I will have to go.” If necessary, leave. If your husband’s parents are visiting you, then adjust the dialogue accordingly (e.g., “I’m afraid our visit will have to end”) and make sure your husband is prepared to escort them to the door if necessary. (Keep in mind that it is your husband who should do the talking here. This will not be nearly as effective coming from you, even if your husband goes along with you.)