How Do You Know When It's Time for a New Parish?

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KateD

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How do you know when it’s time to look for a new parish? I am fortunate to live in an area where there are several parishes within a few miles of my home. And I know people at most of these parishes as I have lived in this area for many years and raised my family here.

Our pastor, who has been here for about three years, is increasingly difficult to work with. He insists on his way no matter the topic and seems to consider himself an expert on everything. I sit on a number of committees with him, and he is quite dismissive of most of the people on these committees. He decides he wants something done and then changes his mind mid-stream once a parishioner has done a lot of work on the project. He also seems to have little reverence for the Blessed Mother based on his comments. The kicker came this week when a friend of mine who is preparing to become a Consecrated Virgin (I don’t know much about this but know that it is quite a lengthy process and requires spiritual direction) told me that she asked for his help and he refused. However, priests from the other area parishes were all more than willing to help her.

I’m not quite sure what to do and am praying about this.
 
I’d say that if there is another parish near you, go to it. It sounds like your current parish isn’t cutting it for ya. At least visit a few a couple of times and see how ya like them. Take a break from your parish for a while perhaps?

Pax
 
Canonically, one is bound to one’s geographic parish unless there are personal prelatures established for specific special populations.

One need not attend one’s canonical parish, but the pastor there is one’s canonical pastor.

If one is registered in an established personal prelature parish, and is part of the target population for that personal prelature, one is canonically under that pastor. That’s the exception.
 
It is unfortunate that your friend asked your pastor for spiritual direction and he refused, however not all priests are spiritual directors. So he probably did her a favor for refusing. However, if he did not direct her to a list of spiritual directors in your area then he did her a wrong. My suggestion would be to offer this information to her…to contact your local diocese for a list of spiritual directors who specifically trained to help someone to this office of life, as a consecrated Virgin. The diocese would probably be a better place to start. Pray for your priest, it sounds like he needs it…and remind him that you are praying for him as well.

We have a majorly difficult priest at our parish too. And it is a great challenge just to be cordial to him, but I offer it up. And within a short time, we will be getting a new pastor and I don’t have to take myself from the ties here at my parish. I will keep you all in my prayers.
 
Well, after a year of prayer by many of us, things are not any better; in fact, this pastor seems to be worse than ever. I just ran into a former very involved couple who left about a year ago. The wife’s comment was that after praying for change for a long time, she realized that she was the one that was changing, and not in a good way. Changing parishes has been a good thing for them personally.

However, I am having a difficult time with the feeling that I am running out on my parish by leaving. (As far as being bound geographically by this parish, I live right about in the center of four parishes, so any of them could be my home parish.) I feel like I’m running out or being run out by this man’s bad treatment of parishioners and the fact that he is now planning to deliberately ignore the Cardinal’s directives. He may be getting ready to sign up for a six year term (we’ll know at the end of June). How long does one stay and try to improve things at a parish (while others are “jumping ship”) before giving up?

Thanks for your advice.
 
How long does one pray?
Father once spoke in a homily on a saint whose mother (who herself is a saint) prayed for 30-40 years for her son’s conversion. She even followed him across countries.
So it took 30 years for a man who became a saint - how long does it take for a man who has devoted himself to the Church but is overworked under-prayed and is having trouble following Her?

Pray until your priest changes his ways.

As for staying - I can’t help there, I am planning on staying at my home parish until death (unless this nagging feeling that I’m called to religious life fails to go away). It is my home parish where I received Baptism, First Eucharist, Confirmation, and First Confession. It is my home parish where I serve as Lector, EMHC and R.E. instructor. It is here that I will see this little group of farmers retire a gigantic debt - even if it takes another 10 years. This is my home - the priest will change (we’ve already had 3 in the 7 years I’ve been Catholic) but it will always be home.

Keep this in mind. While others are “jumping ship”, what if you are the one that can save your priest from drowning?

Just my :twocents:

Christ’s peace be with you always.
 
Remember, this is the “Year of the Priest” and we are to be praying for our priests. The year of the priest started this past June. I have found many lovely prayers for the priests during this time, as the diocese and the Knights and other groups have printed them up. A local parish printed one up and handed it out at Mass. I finally incorporated them all together, as they each had a different slant and I use them each morning when I pray. I added prayers for our Holy Father and all the Bishops, especially the one for my diocese. One of the prayers says “…protect them from the devil’s traps and snares which are continually being set for the souls of priests.” Our priests need our prayers. St. John Vianney is the patron saint for our priests. My parish also has difficulties with our priest. It is certainly not easy, but I just try to do the right thing.
 
Just to make sure, the priest is causing the laity harm right?

I’m of the opinion that if you are changing negatively, either form adopting the priest’s behavior or your own in reaction to the priest’s behavior, it is time to change parishes. I’m not saying we stop praying and change parish. What I do wonder is that at the end of time, will we tell God that we behaved badly, despite knowing better, cause our priest made us that way?

I suggest continuing to pray, talk to the bishop, and in the mean time show the priest that his message is driving people away.
 
I believe very strongly in attending your geographically parish, so I would say that you know it is time to find a new parish when you move.

The things you mention are not reasons to leave a parish. It may be that they are signs for you to step down from those specific committees and perhaps do something else to help your parish. You don’t say that the pastor is making decisions against church teachings, simply that he is hard to work with. There could be many reasons for that–ill health, issues with another parishioner that you are unaware of, completely unrelated worries.

Please pray for your priest and examine your conscience to be sure that you are not letting pride in your work or the need to be right interfer with your relationship to him.
 
I am continuing to pray, both for the parish and for the priest. I am also trying to avoid working with him when possible because of the dismissive and rude behavior. He is well aware of the loss of parishioners and has said that he doesn’t care.

Poor and rude behavior is bad enough, but he is now planning to ignore the directive that we should have kneelers when we replace our seating; he has told me that we will not have them, don’t need them, don’t need to kneel at all during the Mass and has no intention of paying attention to the directive. It is disturbing to me to know that he is deliberately ignoring the Church on this. There is another parish exactly the same distance from my house in the other direction; tomorrow I will be attending Mass and Adoration there.
 
Its rather difficult to assess the situation from a distance but let me say a couple of things; first, parish councils, committees and the like are “advisory” only. The priest is not obligated to abide by any decision they make. However, having said that, I believe that a good priest, if he wants the help of people, will use his common sense and weigh their advise. To arbitrarily dismiss them is asking for trouble. Most of us learned that when we were little cjildren.

If a situation in your parish is really trouble-some and the priest will not address it then go to another parish and pray for your priest.
 
The directive on kneelers has not come from a parish council or parish committee; it was issued by the Cardinal of the Archdiocese - that’s why this is so troubling to many of us.

I will be attending another parish this weekend, but will continue to pray for the parish and the priest.
 
Aramis said:
Canonically, one is bound to one’s geographic parish unless there are personal prelatures established for specific special populations.

One need not attend one’s canonical parish, but the pastor there is one’s canonical pastor.

If one is registered in an established personal prelature parish, and is part of the target population for that personal prelature, one is canonically under that pastor. That’s the exception.
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When we moved and I called the chancery office to find what parish we would be in, I think the person answering my call could have been knocked over with a feather.

There is no requirement to attend a particular parish based on the geographic location of one’s residence in the 1983 Code of Canon Law.
Mrs_Sally said:
I believe very strongly in attending your geographically parish, so I would say that you know it is time to find a new parish when you move.

The things you mention are not reasons to leave a parish. It may be that they are signs for you to step down from those specific committees and perhaps do something else to help your parish. You don’t say that the pastor is making decisions against church teachings, simply that he is hard to work with. There could be many reasons for that–ill health, issues with another parishioner that you are unaware of, completely unrelated worries.

Please pray for your priest and examine your conscience to be sure that you are not letting pride in your work or the need to be right interfer with your relationship to him.
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I’m a proponent of “bloom where you’re planted, too”, but the matter is one for individual discernment. If she changes parishes, she is not objectively in the wrong. We can give the OP things to consider when making her decision, but the decision is hers.
 
KateD said:
I am continuing to pray, both for the parish and for the priest. I am also trying to avoid working with him when possible because of the dismissive and rude behavior. He is well aware of the loss of parishioners and has said that he doesn’t care.

Poor and rude behavior is bad enough, but he is now planning to ignore the directive that we should have kneelers when we replace our seating; he has told me that we will not have them, don’t need them, don’t need to kneel at all during the Mass and has no intention of paying attention to the directive. It is disturbing to me to know that he is deliberately ignoring the Church on this. There is another parish exactly the same distance from my house in the other direction; tomorrow I will be attending Mass and Adoration there.
Click to expand...
If this is a progressive change in behavior, has anyone asked him what is up? Is he OK? If he has friends among the parishioners, ask them about him. If you’re one of them, ask him yourself if there is something you’re missing. It is one thing when a priest comes in with a personality you find difficult to cope with. It is another when his ability to relate with parishioners begins to deteriorate noticably. He may not be coping with the stresses of the place very well.

If he’s planning to ignore his bishop (archbishop, cardinal) when furnishing the church, call the chancery office and complain, before the new furnishings are ordered. There is no reason to let the “it’s easier to get forgiveness than permission” strategy fly.
 
EasterJoy said:
When we moved and I called the chancery office to find what parish we would be in, I think the person answering my call could have been knocked over with a feather.

There is no requirement to attend a particular parish based on the geographic location of one’s residence in the 1983 Code of Canon Law.
Click to expand...
No, there is no requirement to ATTEND one’s canonical parish. But one’s canonical pastor is still the territorial one unless one is in a personal prelature, or of a different sui iuris church, or in one of the other special cases mentioned in the 1983 code. Look up the definitions of pastor and parish. One is properly enrolled in the parish of their domocile or quasi-domocile.
 
KateD said:
Well, after a year of prayer by many of us, things are not any better; in fact, this pastor seems to be worse than ever. I just ran into a former very involved couple who left about a year ago. The wife’s comment was that after praying for change for a long time, she realized that she was the one that was changing, and not in a good way. Changing parishes has been a good thing for them personally.

However, I am having a difficult time with the feeling that I am running out on my parish by leaving. (As far as being bound geographically by this parish, I live right about in the center of four parishes, so any of them could be my home parish.) I feel like I’m running out or being run out by this man’s bad treatment of parishioners and the fact that he is now planning to deliberately ignore the Cardinal’s directives. He may be getting ready to sign up for a six year term (we’ll know at the end of June). How long does one stay and try to improve things at a parish (while others are “jumping ship”) before giving up?

Thanks for your advice.
Click to expand...
Planning to ignore the Cardinals directives? Sounds like a letter to the Bishop is in order here. Good luck!
 
We were in your same situation a few years ago. We decided to leave, and attend another Parish church. It was the best thing we did. As it turns out, our observations about our original Parish church proved to be right. My advice: continue praying for your Parish church, and move on to another Parish church. You can always go back if things get better.
 
Mel_Stones said:
I think the apologist’s answer in this thread Can I change parishes? should be added to the discussion.
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That is a good post. This pastor is going a bit beyond “annoying on occasion”. The teachings of a pastor are not confined to what comes out of his mouth. If his demeanor is habitually abusive or dismissive–including dismissive of his bishop!–that is a real problem, even in terms of handing on the faith to children. I’m not saying we can realistically expect that our priests to be paragons at all times, they are men not angels, but the OP is describing habitual behavior well below a reasonable standard for a pastor.

As I said, though, I’d be concerned about the priest. This sounds like a worrisome change in character.
 
Thank you so much for posting the thread on changing parishes; the apologist’s answer was helpful.

I am trying hard not to be a “church shopper” - we have stayed with our parish through some extremely trying times. This decision is so difficult partly because I am involved in ministries with some wonderful people (the ones who have stayed). Unfortunately, the behavior we are seeing is not a change. I gave him the benefit of the doubt when many immediately noticed his attitude toward the parishioners; it seems to many that he resents being here. The last straw for me, however, is hearing that he is deliberately ignoring the Cardinal’s directive because his personal opinion is that we don’t need to kneel. The solution a couple of friends have arrived at is to remain with a few ministries here (which don’t involve interaction with him) and to attend Mass at other parishes, holding out hope that we will have someone new assigned later this year. I don’t know whether this is a good solution.

Your point about the faith of the children is an important one; I have two good friends who recently left for just that reason. They felt that with high schoolers (all altar servers), they have just a few years left in which to impart the faith as the Church teaches it.
 
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