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Bulldawg
Guest
How do you know when you need to run from a relationship?
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happymommy
Guest
I think you would do better to group all of your questions in one thread
…I think, just going from the questions you have asked today, without knowing any details of your relationship…I’m going to guess you are at the point of leaving the relationship!
Why don’t you give us more info. and maybe we can help you better!
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vocatio
Guest
When you first think you should run. But be warned. I tried to run before we were married. In fact I hadn’t proposed to her and planned on returning to the seminary once my military tour was over. But her family heavily proselytized me thinking I was a good catch but she couldn’t marry a Catholic. That is why I’ve always said I felt betrayed. Once I discovered the flaws in her faith I felt like I would have been better off in the Catholic Church where I was.
Anyway. That’s only part of it. When I went to Mexico with a friend on the border I heard a voice tell me 3 times it is okay to marry her even though I had already commited to not seeing her again. I believe I was called to marry her now. But it wasn’t without a lot of pain. I would never recommend to someone to do this without specifically being called like this. But if you’re suspecting you need to run…then you need to run and don’t turn back.
Anyway. That’s only part of it. When I went to Mexico with a friend on the border I heard a voice tell me 3 times it is okay to marry her even though I had already commited to not seeing her again. I believe I was called to marry her now. But it wasn’t without a lot of pain. I would never recommend to someone to do this without specifically being called like this. But if you’re suspecting you need to run…then you need to run and don’t turn back.
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whatevergirl
Guest
When you start using the words ‘run from a relationship’ in the same sentence. lol Seriously, in a nutshell…here are a few things that could be good reasons to leave a relationship:
- infidelity
- dishonesty, repeatedly
- if you compromise your values to be with another
- if you find yourself walking on eggshells to please another
- if you don’t like who you are/you’ve become with the person
- abuse, verbal or physical (physical, one time!)
- if the person disrespects your faith, and keeps you from practicing
Are you thinking of leaving someone?
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vocatio
Guest
But we’re talking abour before marriage I hope??? After you need counseling and good spiritual direction.When you start using the words ‘run from a relationship’ in the same sentence. lol Seriously, in a nutshell…here are a few things that could be good reasons to leave a relationship:
All of these I list are not to be taken in that order. I just listed them, but really, any of these, or a combination thereof, would be valid reasons to leave a relationship.
- infidelity
- dishonesty, repeatedly
- if you compromise your values to be with another
- if you find yourself walking on eggshells to please another
- if you don’t like who you are/you’ve become with the person
- abuse, verbal or physical (physical, one time!)
- if the person disrespects your faith, and keeps you from practicing
Are you thinking of leaving someone?
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whatevergirl
Guest
Oh yes, before marriage. But, not when it comes to physical abuse. One time, a woman (or man, but it’s mainly women who face this) should leave. Men who hit rarely change, and more often than not, end up repeatedly beating their gf’s/wives, broken bones, etc…for years. Typically, abusive men show their colors before marriage, but it’s possible that it could start after marriage.
Infidelity, that would depend on the situation of the married couple.
The rest could be worked out through counseling. But, I meant my list for someone who is dating.
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Bulldawg
Guest
Well here’s the big part of it. When we first met she told me that she moved to a diff state to be with a guy that she use to date (living with his parents) and he “forced” her to do sex acts. And I found out later that it was not all that forced.
And she told me first that he had “forced” her to do a strip tease on a camera. But then I found out that she did that before she moved there. And that he said he’d come hurt hurt if she didn’t do it.
I would believe her EXCEPT for the fact that…
Since the second week we were together she kept saying how looking at me turns her on and stuff. And it lead into “cyber” sex on the computer ( I already have to fight masturbating which has gotten worse being with her) Then we did sex type stuff on the phone.
I asked her why she kept bringing it up and trying to get me turned on and she said she thought she had to do that to please me and that she would stop.
But she didn’t.
Then the other week she talked me into letting her send me some nude photos of her.
She says that she wants to be pure and she started going to confession again (after I pushed her too). And I have confessed all that I did. I am just having a hard time getting over the lie. And I wonder if shes really devout like she says she is. She says shes not normally like that. But it seems it. I am so confused because I do love her. But now I am scared to trust her. And we live long distance which makes it worse
(sorry if this doesn’t make sence I am sleepy)
(We have been dating for 3 1/2 months and both are Catholic and live far away from each other)
And she told me first that he had “forced” her to do a strip tease on a camera. But then I found out that she did that before she moved there. And that he said he’d come hurt hurt if she didn’t do it.
I would believe her EXCEPT for the fact that…
Since the second week we were together she kept saying how looking at me turns her on and stuff. And it lead into “cyber” sex on the computer ( I already have to fight masturbating which has gotten worse being with her) Then we did sex type stuff on the phone.
I asked her why she kept bringing it up and trying to get me turned on and she said she thought she had to do that to please me and that she would stop.
But she didn’t.
Then the other week she talked me into letting her send me some nude photos of her.
She says that she wants to be pure and she started going to confession again (after I pushed her too). And I have confessed all that I did. I am just having a hard time getting over the lie. And I wonder if shes really devout like she says she is. She says shes not normally like that. But it seems it. I am so confused because I do love her. But now I am scared to trust her. And we live long distance which makes it worse
(sorry if this doesn’t make sence I am sleepy)
(We have been dating for 3 1/2 months and both are Catholic and live far away from each other)
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happymommy
Guest
I think it’s time to let this one go!
- she lied about someone forcing her to do something sexual! That’s pretty big
- she stripped for him
- moved to another state to live with him, with or without his parents being there, not really good
- her behavior on the computer and the phone are not right!
You don’t know if she has gone to confession, she could be lying again.
I would be very careful. This relationship is causing you to sin. That is not how love works. When you love someone you want their lives to be better and when you have a love for the Lord you want your boyfriend, girlfriend or spouse to live a Holy life so you can be together in Heaven and they can have a relationship with God while they are in this life.
I think you should really pray about this. Talk to your priest. Tell him everything you have told us and see what he has to say! Then pray some more. Pray for her also. I think she really is having some problems and does not understand what being in a good relationship is all about!
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whatevergirl
Guest
Hmmm…I don’t think her actions, past or present, really match with her saying ‘she wants to be pure.’ If a person wants to be pure, they don’t send nude photos of themselves to people, they don’t seduce people over the phone/computer to having sex…etc…
You either want to be pure, or you don’t. If I say I want to run a marathon, I won’t get far if I never workout, run, and eat non stop every day, while watching tv. Words need action to make them true. Without actions, our faith too, becomes stagnant, and we don’t grow.
Perhaps, she is trying to change. But, in the meantime, you will grow further away from God, because you are being tempted with her. That’s the problem I see here. You love her, but after just 3.5 months, I think you should let her go. If someone caused me to continually stumble on my path to the Lord, I’d have to let him go. (if I were single)
Actually, that is listed in my above post…“if you compromise who you are to be with someone.” Sounds like you are, and sounds like it won’t stop. She has not only a problem with purity, but also with honesty. If you want a pure girlfriend, there are many out there. If it were one time…maybe two…and this girl showed change, then I’d say, ok, she changed. People can change. She just doesn’t sound like she’s ready for that, yet…and again, you’re going down in the sinking ship along with her.
Maybe you can be friends only…but I’d tell her, until she makes a true concerted effort to stop talking about sex with you, and tempting you to be impure…you’ll have to stop dating for now.
Just my two cents. Good luck! I know, it won’t be easy, but doing the right thing often isn’t.
You either want to be pure, or you don’t. If I say I want to run a marathon, I won’t get far if I never workout, run, and eat non stop every day, while watching tv. Words need action to make them true. Without actions, our faith too, becomes stagnant, and we don’t grow.
Perhaps, she is trying to change. But, in the meantime, you will grow further away from God, because you are being tempted with her. That’s the problem I see here. You love her, but after just 3.5 months, I think you should let her go. If someone caused me to continually stumble on my path to the Lord, I’d have to let him go. (if I were single)
Actually, that is listed in my above post…“if you compromise who you are to be with someone.” Sounds like you are, and sounds like it won’t stop. She has not only a problem with purity, but also with honesty. If you want a pure girlfriend, there are many out there. If it were one time…maybe two…and this girl showed change, then I’d say, ok, she changed. People can change. She just doesn’t sound like she’s ready for that, yet…and again, you’re going down in the sinking ship along with her.
Maybe you can be friends only…but I’d tell her, until she makes a true concerted effort to stop talking about sex with you, and tempting you to be impure…you’ll have to stop dating for now.
Just my two cents. Good luck! I know, it won’t be easy, but doing the right thing often isn’t.
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yellowbird
Guest
She is not.
If it’s a devout girl you want, I’d say it’s time to start running. It takes two to tango though… if you want a nice Catholic girl, you need to be a nice Catholic guy. Work on that before you enter into a new relationship.
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Bulldawg
Guest
I think thats what I am going to do. I am going to talk to my priest this week. Its going to be hard to leave cos I really do love her. But shes not the pure honest girl I thought she was. I think I am going to take a break from her for a couple of days and think and pray and talk to my priest.
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Bulldawg
Guest
I was a nice Catholic guy before I was with her.
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whatevergirl
Guest
Dontcha just love it when people like yellowbird can be so succinct?
I agree with your post, here. 
Bulldawg–sounds like you want to be pure, but again, wanting to be something and really being on the path to doing it…and then doing it…are all different things. You really won’t live a pure life, if you stick with this girl, I’m afraid. I feel a lot of compassion and understanding for her, however…she sounds lost in what it takes to really be in a loving relationship, and thinks sex is how she should go about things. Sad. Praying for her, too.
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whatevergirl
Guest
That’s the thing I think, you ‘fell in love’ with someone who she isn’t. That can happen.
Good luck to you, though. Don’t let someone cause you to stumble on your path with Christ.
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happymommy
Guest
Good! You need to focus on you too and work on keeping yourself pure! Like Yellowbird said, if you want a pure, Catholic girl, you need to be a pure, Catholic guy! And after a few days if you chose to leave the relationship, be honest with her! Tell her that this lifestyle is not right and it goes against Church teaching! Maybe it will help her change. But right now, you need to do what is best for you!
Okay, that’s enough deep thoughts from me, I’m going to bed, good night
Best of luck to you!!!
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Bulldawg
Guest
Thanks for all the help. When and if I do leave I will have to cut all ties with her because I just think that would be best.
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Just_wondering
Guest
Chiming in late, but I agree. If you stay in touch with her, she could try to convince you that she’s changed, and then draw you back toward the lifestyle that’s not good for you. I don’t mean to say that she’s this vamp, trying to seduce you, but that even unwittingly she could lead you to sin.
I’m in a long-distance relationship now, and I really miss my boyfriend and wish I could be in a physical relationship with him (and I’m wishing for the sexual too, let’s admit it!) but that certainly doesn’t lead me to cybersex, phone sex, or stripping. It leads me to fantasize about just going to the church and getting married without worrying about the logistics of things, but that’s another story.
This woman has her priorities all messed up, or her coping systems. I think if a voice in the back of your mind is telling you to run, then do it, and don’t look back.
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BamaRider
Guest
Exactly how much tawking did it take?
What you have here bulldawg is a mess.
See, when you tell fibs you gotta have a good memory, because you gotta go think back to what the story line is. That often means you gotta tell more fibs to cover the ones you already got out there, and that leads into a twisted mess.
Now when you tell the truth you don’t need a good memory.
First she told ya she was coerced into doing sex acts, then ya find out well that ain’t necesarily true.
Then you find out she did the strip tease that she said she was “forced” into, come to find out he’s not even in the same state when it went down.
From the git go she should have been honest. When y’all’s relationship reached a point where it was going serious she’s suppose just come out and lay it on the line and let the chips fall where they may. “I’ve done things in the past I’m not proud of, I did XY and Z,” and then answer EVERY question you have about it honestly. Leaving it to you make the decision on where to go next. Instead you get a new revalation every week or 2. Shoot just ask her, “is there anything else out there?”
And if you chose to end this tell her why and the parting shot I’d leave her, “you know we mighta had a chance if you’d been honest with me, I suggest you try it on the next guy that you meet.” You’d be doing the girl a favor.
See, here is why the Church teaches premarital sex is bad. Once that genie is out of the bottle its so hard to put back in. It makes resisting the temptation much more difficult. It sounds like she lead a secular life for awhile, and just did what she wanted. Now having a hard time putting those days behind her. Don’t ask me how I know about stuff like that. I was a young man a long time ago back in the 70s where anything goes.
Look it, I’ve been around a lap or 2, and as a mature man to young man l’m gonna tell ya where I’m coming from. I’m NOT gonna be with a girl that has naked pics of herself “just out there,” if I have a choice. If she sent you the pics, its a safe bet the old bf has them to, and from there you don’t KNOW where they go. Is that what ya want?
This whole thing takes a different perspective if she’s honest. “I let someone take some pics of me, I was young and foolish. I can’t say with certainity where they are at. I want you to know that.” In that case there is no right or wrong thing to do. It just comes down to if you can live with that or not. I know what I’d do, but thats me.
And thats my :twocents:
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Bulldawg
Guest
I am leaving her. But its so hard. I dont want her to be hurt. And There are things I will miss about her. I am deleteing anything that has to do with her. And its so hard because I keep remembering how it was when we first met and I thought she was diffrant.
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whatevergirl
Guest
I know it can be tough to end something that seemed promising.
But, that’s really the point of dating–to discern if someone is right for marriage, for you. You found out she isn’t…and hold onto the nice memories of her for now, but in time, you will see that it truly was for the best. If you continue along the path with her, you will end up losing yourself in sin. Good luck to you.- Status