How do you know when your family is complete?

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Cathmomof6

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Hi all. I would like some outside opinions on my dilemma. My husband and I have been married for 15 years. I am 36 and he is 38. We have 6 kids ages 11, 10, 7, 4, 2, and 10 months. I am currently a SAHM. I have been a runner since the beginning of our marriage-usually 30 miles per week with 2 marathons(26.2 miles) under my belt. I have run thru all my pregnancies without problem. However with my last pregnancy I developed hip pain at about the middle of my pregnancy. I stopped running thinking it would go away after delivery. Now my baby is 10 months old and I still have this hip pain, which isn’t extreme pain but makes me limp and definitely makes it hard to corral my kiddos all the time. 2 orthopedists have said I have osteoarthritis in both hips and will just have to live with pain until it is unbearable and then get total hip replacements. That was devastating. And then there is the question of more kids? Lately I have been having this feeling like 7 is our number and we should have one more-totally crazy I know. But with my age and physical issues I’m not sure if this is just a selfish feeling. I know with my hip issues family and friends would not be supportive of future pregnancies. I also have developed a tiny umbilical hernia from all e pregnancies. So I guess my question is: how do u know when your family is complete? Is God giving me a clue to stop and I just don’t get it?
 
I don’t have a good answer to your primary question (we are in a similar situation, so I will be interested as to what people have to say) but I wanted to give you some helpful info for your hips. Katy Bowman is a biomechanist that has a blog and other programs that teach people how to correct their alignment to treat and prevent body issues, and she goes into great depth about pregnancy and childbearing. I swear that this stuff is helpful, even when you think your issues are hopeless. Maybe take a look at it, read through some of the blog, and rethink pregnancy after you have educated yourself a bit?

www.alignedandwell.com
 
I think that God decided one way or another how big our families should be. If you feel led to have another, that is between you and HIm. It is modern, Western culture that puts this burden of deciding how many children and when you should have them. That never existed before. I would say pray about it. I am (just about) 37 and pregnant again. Although we only have 2 living children, this is my 6th pregnancy. I worried about what people would think given my fertility issues in the past and my rheumatoid arthritis, but they have been supportive or at least polite.

I really feel like there are more children in our future and I leave that at the LORD’s feet because I know only He can make it happen and that I am so blessed by the children I have conceived and especially those that I have been priveledged to parent.

When it comes down to it, this world is temporary and we must think of the eternal. I don’t think that God finds anyone who chooses to suffer in order to bring forth new life selfish. As a friend always tells her students, "One day, you will stand in judgement before the LORD, alone, and you cannot blame anyone for what you did or said, because they won’t be there. Only you will have to answer and defend your actions and choices.’

It comes down to your husband, you and God. Put it in prayer and He will guide your path. Don’t be deceived or made to feel badly either way, God is in control and if you submit to His Will you will never be led astray.
 
Isn’t it frustrating when your body says ‘no more of that’.

I used to play all kinds of sports. About a couple summers ago now I started having major lower back pain. Did a few weeks in physical therapy, but just know I will never get back to no pain. I stretch a lot, but basically have cut out everything but backyard with the kids.

It would be interesting and helpful to know if we are done having kids. I just have this feeling that our 6th kid is our last, but you never know. I’ve always wanted to adopt too.

There is a little piece of irony in us having 6 kids, we had 5 no problem, then we had a miscarriage, then the latest.

So to us in reality we have 7, but are raising 6. God needed one to help His kingdom quickly.

If we are done, I find this interesting because I’ve never liked the number 6, and previous thought was if I had 6 kids, would have wanted another, but I’m at peace today and very excited about having our new guy.
 
I’m pregnant with number five, and in a similar boat. I have a severe, painful physical problem that was caused by pregnancy, and gets worse with every pregnancy. It makes it hard to care for the kids I already have. On top of that, four out of five of my pregnancies I’ve suffered from hyperemesis, and unable to care for my little ones for about 3 months because of that. I am just terrible at being pregnant. I’m about 20 weeks now, and once again my blood pressure is creeping up. It’s always something. I feel very strongly that while I would like to have more children, I absolutely cannot put my family through another pregnancy. It is so hard on my kids, and on my husband. My sisters and parents have to help out a ton and they don’t really have the time either. It’s hard because I’d love a bigger family, but I accept that my body is simply not equipped for it. Plus, I am approaching 35. If another pregnancy did happen, we’d get by, but we plan to try to avoid for the rest of my fertile years. My husband has considered a vasectomy, which I oppose on religious grounds.

I don’t know what the right answer for you is, but I know it’s a tough spot to be in.
 
I don’t know if this is of any help, but every time I have thought my family was complete … I was wrong. 😊

Currently we are on Baby #6. She will be three in the summer. So far it looks like we are not having any more, which is fine with us. If we have more, that is also fine with us. Maybe it is not a decision you have to make just yet?
 
Wow…late 30s, six kids already, two dodgy hips…and you still want more?

No one here can possibly answer this question for you. This is between you, your husband, and God. You should of course take on board the relevant medical advise, the responsibility you have to your existing family, and any other relevant considerations, but if you determine that it’s not irresponsible to have another child now, then you could certainly consider it further.

What is the medical advise regarding your hip condition and another pregnancy? Presumably the extra weight will put more pressure through the joints, but have you been advised against it?

I’d be surprised if friends and family wouldn’t support if you have another, but if they didn’t perhaps they were never great friends in the first place. Good friends and family will support you (even if they disagree with you).
 
I am not really looking for anyone to answer this for me but would be interested in how others have handled their family planning in their late thirties and early forties. So many people I come across seem to just know they are done having kids-many for 10 or more years now. Up until now we have used nfp but really have never been very successful but have been open to babies anyways. My pregnancies and deliveries have always been pretty straightforward. Now my hips are bothering me but my midwife said another pregnancy would not make them worse. People are always asking if we are done and I never know how to answer that question. I don’t understand how people can be so SURE. They speak like it is all in their hands. It bothers me on on hand but on the other makes me feel irresponsible if I would let God decide. My husband has a 6 figure income which allows me to be a SAHM. I am eternally grateful for that. But this hip thing really has me down. I could have another 5-10 years of childbearing ahead of me. And as far as nfp goes, my husband and I tend to “risk it” in the heat of the moment, and that has given us 2 of our blessings.
 
My wife has carried 3 children since getting a hip replacement due to avascular neucrosis. She will need to get the other hip replaced eventually.

To answer your question, yes, physically it can be done. However, if you have doubts about your mental well-being, your ability to perform the necessities, like spiritual formation of the kids you already have, daily activities, and unexpected emergencies, then it’s time to consider hitting the brakes. I think we’re done, since the last pregnancy took a physical toll on her.

You shouldn’t feel guilty about that. You’re ability to care for the children you have, not just financially, but in every way, needs to be considered.
 
I think one of the beauties of NFP is that you don’t have to say never, you just say not right now. Maybe you need some time to think and get yourself a little more settled. It sounds like right now you may have all you can handle, but things change. So, it is fine to say, “we are open but not seeking at this point.”

As for people that say “never, we’re done.” Well, I don’t understand it either. But, I think it is more of an arrogance that thinks what they want is more important and they should control everything. This is something that modern society has put in our heads. It saddens me when people view children so negatively. We really do not have a child friendly world–and I don’t mean that as far as indulgence and kids menus—we have created a society that prizes stuff above family and power above parenting. Our children are paying the price.

God bless you, and do not worry God is with you and no matter what anyone tells you, you do not need to have everything planned out, trusting God is much more fruitful.

PS. Remember many that say never again to children are doing things that we find heartbreakingly immoral like sterilization, extreme contraception, and abortion. While everyone has been taught that less pregnancies are healthier, I do not think that any of the means they are using are healthier than carrying a child.
 
Cathmomof6 said:
People are always asking if we are done and I never know how to answer that question. I don’t understand how people can be so SURE. They speak like it is all in their hands.
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I guess it is for some people, if they are using ABC. 🤷 (Although that is not 100% baby proof, but people seem to think it is).

It has come up in conversation with several friends that they feel ‘done’ with a number of children they have, but they would be ok if another happen to come along. I guess people are not so sure after all, but the culture is such that we are taught to be control freaks in all areas of our lives.

If I were you I’d take the health issue seriously and make sure that the family gets what it needs from you. You don’t need to destroy your health in order to be open to life. Your family sounds wonderful, like a true blessing.
 
I have been wondering about this question myself. I just had my fourth baby and I am 34. If we have another baby, we will have to buy a large van and make other changes to a radically different lifestyle. Each pregnancy has brought its own difficulties, and each childbirth (natural, no pain relief) has been challenging. This last time, during transition, I almost lost my grip on my sanity. I began questioning my ability to do it again. Perhaps in a year or two, I will feel differently.
But the reality is, even if I use NFP to prevent any more pregnancies, it is ultimately up to the Lord whether or not I conceive any more children. We have all heard of thunderclap babies. I could practice NFP perfectly and still wind up pregnant unless my husband and I abstain completely or I reach menopause.
So this question is nearly impossible to answer. We might have our own plans, but we can never be totally in control. 🙂
 
Mommamaree- we sound so similar. I wish I knew someone like you where I live. My husband always refers to our last baby who is now 10 months old as our “million dollar baby” because we had to make so many changes when he came around. We purchased a 12 passenger van(which I am so embarrassed to drive around yet:)), bought another set of bunk beds, turned a small bonus room into a closet for the kids clothes, and finished off half of our already small basement to be sort of an overflow room. Now we can have a bunch more I guess:) Anyways this question is kind of in the front of my mind right now because my baby is getting close to a year, and I know fertility will be returning soon. I am still breastfeeding but all of my babies have really kind of weaned themselves by one. However, this little boy still nurses at night so maybe that will get me a little more time. Now that I am 36 and have 6 kids, I know my baby years are almost done. My pregnancies have always been very easy except for the fact that my platelets have been low with my last 3 pregnancies which also makes an epidural out of the question. I felt the same way with my last birth as he took much longer than the previous ones and I guess I just figured number 6 would be a breeze. My fifth baby was very easy:) I never seem to remember that part until I am already pregnant and then I wonder what the heck I got myself into. We used to always just assume sterilization when we got to the point of being “done” but now that is not even an option. NFP for 10 more years will not be fun. However, I don’t feel we have any serious reasons to avoid either. Yes my hips bother me but not to the point where I can’t get around. Doesn’t everyone my age have some aches and pains? And I am still hopeful that that my hips will get better since this started during my last pregnancy and I am still nursing. I have always seemed to get injured easier in the postpartum period. I also see a naturopath who has given me some different supplements to take and I am trying to get some semi regular massages. So I am hopeful. Sorry about the long post.
 
I don’t have much time… but don’t worry about people. It isn’t selfish to want to receive a blessing from God! 🙂 I think it is sad that society has made us think this way sometimes, marriage is ordered towards procreation! Yes, prayerfully discern if there are serious reasons why you would need to abstain, but the default is to receive and educate these blessings unless you really need to avoid! Seek His will, don’t worry about other people.

On a side note, I am preg with #6 and I have had my platelets go low with pregnancies as well! With my last ones I have actually had them not that bad, but with my first they were low. (With my first I had been debating back and forth whether to have an epidural, since I was going to be induced and my dr had told me my baby was large, and everyone told me I was crazy to have pitocin and a large baby without an epi, and then right at the hospital after they had started the pitocin I found out my platelets were too low for an epi, which then made my bp go up because it worried me!)
 
I guess I don’t feel selfish as much as irresponsible. I am definitely not one to say I am a perfect mom and in fact often feel like I can’t handle the ones I have, I shouldn’t have more.(and I’m sure other other people have thought this as well while they stare at me buckling in my screaming toddler as the baby cries, the 4 year old is having a meltdown, and the two older kids are fighting with each other - they might as well come out and say it)

Anyways, as far as my platelets go, I have been followed by a hematologist my last 3 pregnancies, and they have generally hovered around 100,000 and as low as 80000 with my 4th who my ob induced 10 days early for that reason-very scary. But in hindsight I would have definitely gotten the epi if I was able too and for me going through all the pain of labor made the reward at the end so much sweeter. A real blessing in disguise:) I can endure more than I give myself credit for sometimes.
 
Cathmomof6 said:
Anyways, as far as my platelets go, I have been followed by a hematologist my last 3 pregnancies, and they have generally hovered around 100,000 and as low as 80000 with my 4th who my ob induced 10 days early for that reason-very scary. But in hindsight I would have definitely gotten the epi if I was able too and for me going through all the pain of labor made the reward at the end so much sweeter. A real blessing in disguise:) I can endure more than I give myself credit for sometimes.
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I can relate! With my first I was leaning towards the epi, and my platelets went below 100k so I could not get it (I was being induced 2 weeks early). After having my first without one, I realized I could have the rest of my kiddos without one 🙂 even though my platelets have been higher with my other pregnancies (lol, and honestly, I am scared of the possible lower back pain from an epi etc, since when I was younger I used to have frequent lower back pain, so that factors in my decision to not have an epi).
 
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