How do you know who to date?

[AntonioSeraphim]

I have a question that might sound a little insensitive and mean. I don’t mean it to sound bad, so I apologize in advance and I hope that you could give me some sympathy. There’s this girl I’d like to date. She’s a great girl, shares my Catholic faith, shares my hobbies and interests, and she gets on really well with me as long as we’ve been friends. There’s only one problem: I’m not physically attracted to her. Now I know most people would say that this doesn’t really matter in the long run, that looks are not everything. But I’m the kind of person who, unfortunately, is bothered by this kind of thing. I’m not a picky person, and I do take whatever I can get. But sometimes I feel that it would be unfair for me to ask her on a date, if I know that eventually I’d have to tell the truth and say “You know, even though I like your personality, I’m not really physically attracted to you at all!” That just seems like a horrible thing for anyone to say, or for the other person to hear. What can people do who find themselves in this situation? I’m not a bad person, although I know that I am a sinner. I do know what’s important. It’s just that I, like everyone else I guess, have certain preferences. What’s important when you’re trying to discern who to marry? I guess if you marry someone you’re not attracted to, that’s a decision you’re going to have to live with for the rest of your married life.

 

[puzzleannie]

news flash: it is quite possible for people to spend time together in mutually enjoyable social activities such as dining, shows, sports and other recreations w/o “being physically attracted” or without anticipating eventual activities for which physical attraction are often a prequel.

 

[AntonioSeraphim]

I’m aware of all that, it’s just that I am looking for someone, and I’m just trying to figure out whether or not I can in good conscience date this girl. Like I said, in personality she and I are a great fit, but I’m not attracted to her physically. What should I take into account? Is my worry an important one? That’s what I’m hoping to answer.

 

[Trishie]

No one can actually tell you what to do.

I can only say that attraction can develop, If everything about this girl meets your criteria but that, you can learn to value her, in the way that everyone must when the initial atraction wears off. It almost always does after a period of time. That’s when people sometimes break up, only because they don’t realise that attraction is mostly a passing thing…you have to grow into deep personal love of a person anyway. Modern media teaches us otherwise…but the gospels only ever speak of love, not of attraction. We must love one another through good times and bad.

I think you’ll find that everyone quite likes a pretty or a handsome, or interesting face and a nice figure in the person they go out with…not only you. It’s not unusual. My young man reminded me of Michelangelo’s David, with clothes on. He’s quite good looking even now, nice face, more weight on, but still pretty handsome. It wasn’t that I felt awfully attracted, no fireworks and floating balloons, I just calmly and simply knew he was the man I’d marry because of his basic decency. He’s no good at saying “I love you” but he’d stand between me and a bullet anytime, not that this is likely as Australians don’t have guns in their houses, it’s not part of our tradition.

It’s up to you to decide if you want to take this girl out. You could always make a proviso, “I’d like to go out with you, but please don’t take it for granted we’ll get serious. I’m not sure, but let’s try. I want us to be able to break up but still be friends” that way, no false expectations…and also being careful not to become involved with anything that might create the kind of bond that is detrimental to your souls.

But there’s no reason you have to go out with her on a date, just hang out together. Little kindnesses between people make the best kind of attraction. That is very important, as Catholic and as commonsense!

I guess you’re using the forum as a sounding board, and I hope you’re able to sort this out. God be in your trying.

Regards, Trishie

 

[puzzleannie]

I’m aware of all that, it’s just that I am looking for someone, .

I don’t even know what this means. Looking for someone for what purpose? If it is for socializing, it seems you are setting the bar rather high. If it is for dating with the specific purpose of indentifying someone for the purpose of eventual courtship and marriage, I am bewildered at the notion you could make that judgement on a superficial glance at her features, and nodding acquaintance with her personality.

 

[Trishie]

I don’t even know what this means. Looking for someone for what purpose? If it is for socializing, it seems you are setting the bar rather high. If it is for dating with the specific purpose of indentifying someone for the purpose of eventual courtship and marriage, I am bewildered at the notion you could make that judgement on a superficial glance at her features, and nodding acquaintance with her personality.

He’s young, wise lady . Society teaches these things, and many older people respond thus also. I have three sons, loving, amazing, sensible men, but also susceptible to a pretty face and a nice figure, not irresponsibly, but like I love rainbows and irridescent dew on the grass, and little blue wrens, and the Australian magpies’ glorious warble, and babies smiles.

You’re right of course, as you always are, but he’s not there yet. He’ll hear you, but it will only frustrate him and make him feel misunderstood.

 

[Katie1723]

Not physically attracted to her as in she is not as good looking as you and people might wonder what you see in her? That being the case, you are right to question whether to date her or not. She deserves someone far less shallow.

Kathy

 

[Trishie]

I have three grown sons.
Four brothers.
I understand what you’re saying.
I understand your dilemma and wish you well.
I’ve thought I would pray for you,
and this girl. And I do pray that you will grow in depth and understanding, as well as in making the right choices.

God bless you
Trishie

 

[AntonioSeraphim]

Not physically attracted to her as in she is not as good looking as you and people might wonder what you see in her? That being the case, you are right to question whether to date her or not. She deserves someone far less shallow.

Kathy

It seems you haven’t really payed attention to my words, and/or have been reading your own thoughts into it. That’s way out of line, and I am deeply offended that you can suggest such a thing.

 

[AntonioSeraphim]

I have three grown sons.
Four brothers.
I understand what you’re saying.
I understand your dilemma and wish you well.
I’ve thought I would pray for you,
and this girl. And I do pray that you will grow in depth and understanding, as well as in making the right choices.

God bless you
Trishie

Thank you so much for your prayers. As I said, all I want to do is to make the best choice, based on God’s will for my life. I don’t want to mess up either way. God bless!

 

[sdeco]

You are right that looks aren’t everything, but if you’re going to date someone, there needs to be some physical attraction. I don’t think it’s fair to say someone is “shallow” just because he’s not attracted to someone. We can’t control who we’re attracted to.

That being said, sometimes people become more attractive as you get to know them. Some of the strongest attractions I’ve felt are to people who I wasn’t strongly attracted to initially or who aren’t conventionally attractive. It’s possible that you may start to become more attracted to this girl as you get to know her better. Or you may not, in which case this girl is probably someone who may be a good friend but not someone you should date or marry.

I wouldn’t ask her out if you’re not attracted to her at all. That’s not fair to her.

The right person to marry will be someone with a great personality who shares your Catholic faith and someone you’re attracted to. These things are not mutually exclusive. There are a lot of people out there. I would just stay friends with this person unless an attraction starts to develop.

 

[GraceDK]

I have a question that might sound a little insensitive and mean. I don’t mean it to sound bad, so I apologize in advance and I hope that you could give me some sympathy. There’s this girl I’d like to date. She’s a great girl, shares my Catholic faith, shares my hobbies and interests, and she gets on really well with me as long as we’ve been friends. There’s only one problem: I’m not physically attracted to her. Now I know most people would say that this doesn’t really matter in the long run, that looks are not everything. But I’m the kind of person who, unfortunately, is bothered by this kind of thing. I’m not a picky person, and I do take whatever I can get. But sometimes I feel that it would be unfair for me to ask her on a date, if I know that eventually I’d have to tell the truth and say “You know, even though I like your personality, I’m not really physically attracted to you at all!” That just seems like a horrible thing for anyone to say, or for the other person to hear. What can people do who find themselves in this situation? I’m not a bad person, although I know that I am a sinner. I do know what’s important. It’s just that I, like everyone else I guess, have certain preferences. What’s important when you’re trying to discern who to marry? I guess if you marry someone you’re not attracted to, that’s a decision you’re going to have to live with for the rest of your married life.

Hey Antonio.
Why are you feeling bad about this? Come on!
You dont feel physically attracted to her because you are not in love with her. Its that simple. So leave the dating question alone.
She needs a man who will fancy her both physically, mentally and spiritually. That means… you are not the one for her. You also dont want a girl who is not attracted to you, right… so this woman deserves no less than you do.
Nobody wants to be pitied and loved for the wrong reasons. Our appearance is part of who we are… we wanna be loved because of that, not inspite of it. I am not saying appearance is everything… but one day you will fall for someone and also love to look at her.
Most of us have tried meeting great people of the opposite sex that we simply did not feel attracted to. There is no sin in that. Now if you go dating her… then you start doing something which does not fit where you are at emotionally, and then you might want to ask your self if you are treating this lady like you prefer to be treated your self.

Stay friends. Someone else will fall for her and you will fall for the “whole package” in someone else. Just be patient brother.
This is not the 17th century or the third world. People marry here because they are in love… and most of us like it that way.

Grace

 

[chevalier]

I have the same problem sometimes for all the bad opinions I may get. And of which a good part I will deserve. We aren’t attracted to everyone and sometimes we can’t get over not being attracted. It takes a lot of effort to unlearn the pretty/ugly thing and concentrate on whether the person is attractive to you or not. But trying to be brave and noble and marrying a person you aren’t attracted to, just to show you can, wouldn’t be a wise idea.

And as you say, not fair to her. She deserves someone attracted to her and you, I dare say, deserve someone to whom you are attracted. Both of you deserve a friend. But let there be no miscommunication, half-hearted flirting, vain hopes, you get the idea. If it posed a difficulty to either of you, you should probably not continue to hang out as friends. But otherwise, why not. And as you hang out as friends, you may well develop some sort of attraction to her - or lose the kind that you have now, because there is something that makes you think of her, after all.

I did the same thing 1.5 years ago. I did the right thing.

 

[stelline]

Hi Antonio, welcome to CAF! :tiphat:

Please let me apologize for some of the rudeness you have already encountered…

I am going to assume that you are looking for someone to date as a prospective mate. You are NOT shallow for wanting to date someone you are attracted to. Physical attraction to a future spouse is a big plus in a relationship and can only make it stronger. This can, of course, be taken to the extreme (if you will only date a supermodel) but I don’t blame you at all if this nice gal doesn’t spark your “interest”.

If your lack of attraction to her is going be a persistent problem, then I wouldn’t start dating her in the first place. But I see no problem with hanging out with her in a friendly way. Don’t feel guilty at all that you are having doubts about dating her because of this.

 

[OLHope]

No, don’t do this, it sounds like your settling for something that is available but you trully don’t want it and your sick of searching. Try someone new!

 

[zaramarie81]

Hi Antonio, welcome to CAF! :tiphat:

Please let me apologize for some of the rudeness you have already encountered…

I am going to assume that you are looking for someone to date as a prospective mate. You are NOT shallow for wanting to date someone you are attracted to. Physical attraction to a future spouse is a big plus in a relationship and can only make it stronger. This can, of course, be taken to the extreme (if you will only date a supermodel) but I don’t blame you at all if this nice gal doesn’t spark your “interest”.

If your lack of attraction to her is going be a persistent problem, then I wouldn’t start dating her in the first place. But I see no problem with hanging out with her in a friendly way. Don’t feel guilty at all that you are having doubts about dating her because of this.

Welcome Antonia. I agree here. Attraction is something very unique to each one of us, a very personal thing. Acknowledging whether we’re attracted to someone is part of discerning marriage (which is the goal of dating, right?). If you’re not attracted romantically, then what you have is a friendship and that is just fine. No need to make it romantic. I was once in this situation - while attraction sometimes does grow with the relationship, it did not in my case. The lack of attraction was simply one of several signs that the relationship really shouldn’t lead to marriage. I felt so guilty about it for so long, so I know that feeling, but the reality is, God created the gift of attraction between the sexes and it’s perfectly normal to want that in a relationship.

 

[OLHope]

Welcome Antonia. I agree here. Attraction is something very unique to each one of us, a very personal thing. Acknowledging whether we’re attracted to someone is part of discerning marriage (which is the goal of dating, right?). If you’re not attracted romantically, then what you have is a friendship and that is just fine. No need to make it romantic. I was once in this situation - while attraction sometimes does grow with the relationship, it did not in my case. The lack of attraction was simply one of several signs that the relationship really shouldn’t lead to marriage. I felt so guilty about it for so long, so I know that feeling, but the reality is, God created the gift of attraction between the sexes and it’s perfectly normal to want that in a relationship.

I second this, this same exact predicament happened to me, also, I felt so much guilt I went to confession about it.

 

[Joseph_L_Varga]

Hi Antonio,
take it easy, and put her at ease. Whether you take her out to a coffee or a walk somewhere, it’s not something that implies that the two of you have become one item and you are obliged now to “get serious” with each other, or that this date must be necessarily followed up by more dates. Stay relaxed and allow her to relax. You are not making a long time commitment by going out on a date together. You are simply going out to enjoy together a good walk or movie or whatever. This doesn’t mean that you are not serious about her or that your intentions are not honorable. Just enjoy your friendship and time together, one day at a time.

The way C.S. Lewis put it, attraction is like the high sea that slowly and gradually rises and penetrates into various fjords and havens of the coastline (I’m not sure I’m using the correct words, I didn’t read it in English and have trouble re-translating it). Those fjords and havens represent various aspects of our personality, physical attraction being just one of them. As we gradually become more attracted to someone (on a non-sexual level), and our friendship deepens, we may find at some point that this particular fjord or haven (representing physical attraction) has also become immersed by water.

Of course this view may not be compatible with the popular magazines’ opinion that you should French-kiss after the first date and have intercourse after the third date.

Beauty in a woman (as well as handsomeness and self-assurance in a man) has little to do with the geometrical proportions of the body. Sometimes beautiful people also have those perfect proportions, but it’s not necessarily so. For example, looking at the photograph of St. Bernadette Soubiros (the seer of Lourdes), I find her beautiful. But I’m not sure that she would make it to the front page of fashion and glamour magazines. She is beautiful in a different way.

 

[chevalier]

I have to agree with Joseph. It’s weird how this society is paranoid on the point of privacy and yet third dates (and probably many first ones) end in bed. That’s just weird.

I fail to grasp the concept of a kiss on the first date, late alone all the stuff with sex. Before I hang out and talk quiiiite a bit, I don’t want to move forward before I know more, no matter how attracted I am. Some things just happen too early, even if people are already attracted. There is nothing whatsoever wrong in taking time to learn about people before making decisions and also in being friends and hanging out with no intention of making it romantic.

 

[thomfra]

I have a question that might sound a little insensitive and mean. I don’t mean it to sound bad, so I apologize in advance and I hope that you could give me some sympathy. There’s this girl I’d like to date. She’s a great girl, shares my Catholic faith, shares my hobbies and interests, and she gets on really well with me as long as we’ve been friends. There’s only one problem: I’m not physically attracted to her. Now I know most people would say that this doesn’t really matter in the long run, that looks are not everything. But I’m the kind of person who, unfortunately, is bothered by this kind of thing. I’m not a picky person, and I do take whatever I can get. But sometimes I feel that it would be unfair for me to ask her on a date, if I know that eventually I’d have to tell the truth and say “You know, even though I like your personality, I’m not really physically attracted to you at all!” That just seems like a horrible thing for anyone to say, or for the other person to hear. What can people do who find themselves in this situation? I’m not a bad person, although I know that I am a sinner. I do know what’s important. It’s just that I, like everyone else I guess, have certain preferences. What’s important when you’re trying to discern who to marry? I guess if you marry someone you’re not attracted to, that’s a decision you’re going to have to live with for the rest of your married life.

The answer is pretty obvious. You are not attracted to her. So don’t date her.

Forget about this “love is a choice rubbish”. Find somebody that you can’t help but love. Then you have a chance at something!