How do you learn not to care so much?

[DarkLight]

How do you learn, as an adult, to not let your parents’ disapproval matter to you so much? I love them, I would certainly like them to be happy, but I’ve had to come to the conclusion that my parents will likely never approve of my choices, and they can say and do some very hurtful things when they don’t. I’m confident in the choices I’ve made and I’ve been working on putting my foot down a bit more regarding what is and is not an appropriate discussion. But it’s still very difficult and frustrating. I know they’re not going to like all my choices and I know their behavior often means I have to do even more things that they’re not going to like.

But I really want a family that I have a good relationship with, and it tears me up pretty badly sometimes. And sometimes I feel like I put myself in a position to be hurt more because I really do want their approval.

How do you learn to not want it so much?

 

[Xantippe]

Maybe just have enough of a life outside of your parents that it matters less? Easier said than done, I know. And for the good emotional stuff that you normally get from your parents (mixed probably about 50/50 with bad stuff), start looking for other sources of support.

I’m rather older than you, but up until a few years ago, my parents were (outside my husband), my main source of emotional support. When something good happened or the kids did something interesting, I would rush to tell my parents (particularly my dad). That was true until several years ago when I had a miscarriage with a bad recovery and my parents (in particular my dad) were not very supportive. In my particular case, I came to the realization that they were there for me for the good stuff, but (especially in the case of my dad) were AWOL for anything hard or sad. I wouldn’t necessarily call it a moral failing on his part (as I don’t know that he could do better), but it is how things are. So, I’ve had to reevaluate those relationships. I used to call my parents several times a week, but it’s now more like once a week, once every two weeks. I probably could call more often (twice a week?), but it just feels weird giving them the usual report on how Everything Is Awesome (which is obviously what they want) when that may or may not reflect my actual feelings or real life conditions. Any actual emotional support needs to come from elsewhere.

That’s not quite your situation, but there may be some analogies in there–you may be reflexively turning to your parents for support in situations where they can’t actually be helpful.

 

[3DOCTORS]

What helped me internally was to know to the best of my ability that what I was doing or asking was in line with God’s morality. For example, say I wanted to go on a simple trip to visit a friend, and my parents opposed it because they’d worry about me (true example). So they put up a big fuss (and usually won). But still it gave me some comfort to know that what I wanted was not immoral - I wasn’t planning to go to immoral places or do immoral things. To have the moral high ground at least to some extent.

 

[Hodegetria]

How do you learn, as an adult, to not let your parents’ disapproval matter to you so much? I love them, I would certainly like them to be happy, but I’ve had to come to the conclusion that my parents will likely never approve of my choices, and they can say and do some very hurtful things when they don’t. I’m confident in the choices I’ve made and I’ve been working on putting my foot down a bit more regarding what is and is not an appropriate discussion. But it’s still very difficult and frustrating. I know they’re not going to like all my choices and I know their behavior often means I have to do even more things that they’re not going to like.

But I really want a family that I have a good relationship with, and it tears me up pretty badly sometimes. And sometimes I feel like I put myself in a position to be hurt more because I really do want their approval.

How do you learn to not want it so much?

You’re always going to be their little girl or boy…I’m 51 and my mom and dad still treat me like I’m 5… But sometimes I like it (they surprise me with very generous gifts) and other times they nag me about my health issues…and what I’m NOT doing to help fix them. I pray for extra patience because I know it’s coming from LOVE. So, you take the good with the bad. Ultimately, if they’re not TOXIC, it’s all good. From what you’ve said, your parents are not TOXIC, but they are disapproving at times.

Acceptance is the key to happiness, IMO. You might need to learn how to detach your SELF (self image) from their words and actions that hurt. A good counselor may help you with these issues. My counselor says EVERYBODY has mommy and daddy issues, and we all must resolve them, ideally in a healthy way. I had to work through some “Inner Child” workbooks and they were well worth it.

Sometimes the best way to deal with “difficult people” even if they’re our parents, is to pray for them. Have you been doing that? Also, if they’re the praying kind, ASK for their prayers. It’s very difficult to be judgmental and harsh towards someone you’re actively praying for.

God bless you.

Edit: The bolder part in your OP-- that does NOT have to be true. Be sure you’re not just reacting to their actions.

 

[DarkLight]

Edit: The bolder part in your OP-- that does NOT have to be true. Be sure you’re not just reacting to their actions.

In this case it needs to be true. So for example, I need to say certain topics are off limits for discussion, because of their behavior. They’ve shown a tendency to bring up certain topics repeatedly, and to become upset and say hurtful or insulting things when I persist in my disagreement. I’ve tried to bring up that this behavior is inappropriate and been brushed off. So I refuse to talk about these issues, because their actions show that we won’t be able to have a productive conversation.

I know they find this sort of thing hurtful. But that’s how it needs to be. - I’m not going to be insulted (and yes, sometimes “immature” or “rebellious” are just insults) because I made a decision that they disagreed with and stuck to it. Nor am I going to justify the same decision repeatedly. If they were more willing to have reasoned discussions I wouldn’t need to cut the conversation off sharply.

 

[Xantippe]

In this case it needs to be true. So for example, I need to say certain topics are off limits for discussion, because of their behavior. They’ve shown a tendency to bring up certain topics repeatedly, and to become upset and say hurtful or insulting things when I persist in my disagreement. I’ve tried to bring up that this behavior is inappropriate and been brushed off. So I refuse to talk about these issues, because their actions show that we won’t be able to have a productive conversation.

I know they find this sort of thing hurtful. But that’s how it needs to be. - I’m not going to be insulted (and yes, sometimes “immature” or “rebellious” are just insults) because I made a decision that they disagreed with and stuck to it. Nor am I going to justify the same decision repeatedly. If they were more willing to have reasoned discussions I wouldn’t need to cut the conversation off sharply.

“We’ve already talked about that, mom,” is an option.

 

[KCT]

However you go about it, know it will take time.

If you’ve been reacting and/ or behaving in certain ways for a long time, it won’t change over night.

Baby steps.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

How do you learn, as an adult, to not let your parents’ disapproval matter to you so much? I love them, I would certainly like them to be happy, but I’ve had to come to the conclusion that my parents will likely never approve of my choices, and they can say and do some very hurtful things when they don’t. I’m confident in the choices I’ve made and I’ve been working on putting my foot down a bit more regarding what is and is not an appropriate discussion. But it’s still very difficult and frustrating. I know they’re not going to like all my choices and I know their behavior often means I have to do even more things that they’re not going to like.

But I really want a family that I have a good relationship with, and it tears me up pretty badly sometimes. And sometimes I feel like I put myself in a position to be hurt more because I really do want their approval.

How do you learn to not want it so much?

My father died when I was 19. It isnt that he would not have approved or that my mom does not approve of me, they just don’t understand. My parents were not Catholic and were very secular. My mother disagrees with our homeschooling and even with the fact that we have more than two children. We will have 5 next month. And my life as a Catholic is vastly different than my parents can even comprehend. It saddens me, but not in the way you think. I am sad for my mom, who will never know the joys of God. And it saddens me that her measure of success is who you know and how much you make.

 

[skigirl1689]

I have been struggling with this as well, and it is more difficult if you are still living in the same house.

Setting boundaries is important, though I know how difficult it seems. I have resolved to tell my parents that I won’t discuss certain things with them (usually they want to discuss/vent about the other parent). If something bothers me, I try to tell them exactly what it is and why I feel as I do.

But I tend to ruminate over things and I have a difficult time not thinking and over-thinking everything that occurs. I try to just focus on what I can control, which is not much, and change my thinking when I catch myself doing “it” again.

It is a process; I desperately wish I could switch it off. Cognitive behavioral therapy techniques focus on changing thought patterns and is something you might want to look into.

 

[DarkLight]

“We’ve already talked about that, mom,” is an option.

That was one of the examples I was thinking of, actually.

No matter how gently I say “we’ve been over this”, she wants me to hear her out “just one more time.” (That’s a persistent pattern - it’s always “just” this or that.) And she’s hurt that I don’t.

 

[DarkLight]

My father died when I was 19. It isnt that he would not have approved or that my mom does not approve of me, they just don’t understand. My parents were not Catholic and were very secular. My mother disagrees with our homeschooling and even with the fact that we have more than two children. We will have 5 next month. And my life as a Catholic is vastly different than my parents can even comprehend. It saddens me, but not in the way you think. I am sad for my mom, who will never know the joys of God. And it saddens me that her measure of success is who you know and how much you make.

In many ways my family is the opposite. My parents belong (or at least recently belonged) to a very conservative protestant group. There’s a lot of emphasis on conformity and appearances. And I think my mother is a very anxious personality in general. Often it seems that she’s terrified any step off the path she sees for me is going to absolutely ruin my life - even if it’s something that would be perfectly ok to do, that it’s not something familiar to her makes it terrifying. And I think that fear often manifests in trying to control what I do with my life and in anger at me when I don’t go along. (I also get the feeling she feels like she’s judged based on what I do.)

 

[Lost_Wanderer]

But I really want a family that I have a good relationship with, and it tears me up pretty badly sometimes. And sometimes I feel like I put myself in a position to be hurt more because I really do want their approval.

How do you learn to not want it so much?

I tend to just focus on what I want more. In my case it’s just a stable income, a happy life in and out of home, or whatever kind of fun that draws me in at the moment. Yet surprisingly, these other things have come to me far easier than parental approval so I think it’s natural for me to want it less. Many might judge this as decadent, selfish, or hedonistic but hey, you asked. If you really want to stop wanting for their approval, you might as well want something else in its place.

 

[Xantippe]

I tend to just focus on what I want more. In my case it’s just a stable income, a happy life in and out of home, or whatever kind of fun that draws me in at the moment. Yet surprisingly, these other things have come to me far easier than parental approval so I think it’s natural for me to want it less. Many might judge this as decadent, selfish, or hedonistic but hey, you asked. If you really want to stop wanting for their approval, you might as well want something else in its place.

That’s actually very reasonable advice.

 

[rayne89]

That was one of the examples I was thinking of, actually.

No matter how gently I say “we’ve been over this”, she wants me to hear her out “just one more time.” (That’s a persistent pattern - it’s always “just” this or that.) And she’s hurt that I don’t.

“No, mom the topic is closed.” I’ve found long winded explanations of being an adult, allowed to make my own choices -yada, yada just opens more doors for objections and guilt laying.

The more you do it, the easier it gets and in most cases the more respect you’ll eventually get for being an adult.

They don’t need to know everything about your life especially if some things you think will cause conflict. And you do not need to hear your mother out one more time.

“I’m not asking for advice.”
“The topic is closed.”
“If you continue I will have to leave (hang up the phone)”. And if they continue follow through and leave.

Once you go through it a few times it really is quite freeing. They survive and you do too.

 

[DarkLight]

The struggle often is that saying things like “this topic is closed” is met with anger and many more accusations of being immature and rebellious. Look at you storming off and refusing to talk to your mother, like a child throwing a tantrum - how can you ever possibly expect to be treated like an adult when you act like this? And that ends up really hurting.

 

[Lost_Wanderer]

Look at you storming off and refusing to talk to your mother, like a child throwing a tantrum - how can you ever possibly expect to be treated like an adult when you act like this? And that ends up really hurting.

As opposed to what? An unreasonable mother who is out of touch with reality at times and can be unrealistically overprotective, possessive, obsessive-compulsive that even her own husband calls her out on it?

(Make no mistake, I love my mother but that doesn’t mean I turn a blind eye when she can be all too human at times. )

 

[rayne89]

The struggle often is that saying things like “this topic is closed” is met with anger and many more accusations of being immature and rebellious. Look at you storming off and refusing to talk to your mother, like a child throwing a tantrum - how can you ever possibly expect to be treated like an adult when you act like this? And that ends up really hurting.

Well…you’re not supposed to say it in an angry way. My response would be -calmly state “I expect to be treated like an adult because I am one, I do not expect to be treated like an adult sometime in the future, I expect to be treated like one now. The fact that you can not accept that I am one and continue to feel I need your permission is something you have to work on and I can not help you with. Have a wonderful day mom. I will talk to you later.” Click.

You mother is trying to manipulate you. I’m not saying she’s mean or malicious. The longer you allow this behavior the worse its going to feel for you. Calm, detached response -practice it in front of the mirror if you have to. You’re parents are not seeing that their role is different now. They’re hanging on and you’re going to have to pry their fingers loose -mom is the one that’s actually throwing the tantrum. There’s an unhealthy thing that parents sometimes do when they have a hard time allowing their children to grow up and be their own people -they use fear, obligation and guilt to hold onto them. Don’t fall into the trap. Its healthier for all of you -your parents will survive and you will too if you train them to let go.

 

[DarkLight]

Well…you’re not supposed to say it in an angry way. My response would be -calmly state “I expect to be treated like an adult because I am one, I do not expect to be treated like an adult sometime in the future, I expect to be treated like one now. The fact that you can not accept that I am one and continue to feel I need your permission is something you have to work on and I can not help you with. Have a wonderful day mom. I will talk to you later.” Click.

You mother is trying to manipulate you. I’m not saying she’s mean or malicious. The longer you allow this behavior the worse its going to feel for you. Calm, detached response -practice it in front of the mirror if you have to. You’re parents are not seeing that their role is different now. They’re hanging on and you’re going to have to pry their fingers loose -mom is the one that’s actually throwing the tantrum. There’s an unhealthy thing that parents sometimes do when they have a hard time allowing their children to grow up and be their own people -they use fear, obligation and guilt to hold onto them. Don’t fall into the trap. Its healthier for all of you -your parents will survive and you will too if you train them to let go.

The reason I started this thread is that I’m just not finding this to be true. I’ve been standing up to her, and it’s just turned everything into a battleground. I feel like I have to constantly be the police to the point where I can barely think about anything else when I’m talking to her, And rather than getting the message she just becomes increasingly convinced that I’m immature and have something personal against her and pushes back harder. All it’s done is stop us from having conversations that aren’t fights.

 

[rayne89]

The reason I started this thread is that I’m just not finding this to be true. I’ve been standing up to her, and it’s just turned everything into a battleground. I feel like I have to constantly be the police to the point where I can barely think about anything else when I’m talking to her, And rather than getting the message she just becomes increasingly convinced that I’m immature and have something personal against her and pushes back harder. All it’s done is stop us from having conversations that aren’t fights.

I get the feeling you are sharing way too much with your parents. Do you still live at home? I looked back at your posts to try to figure out your age and it seems your 26. The fact that your mother would say to you at 26 “how do you expect us to ever treat you like an adult” says to me you are far too enmeshed with your parents for your age.

You need serious boundaries. You need to stop sharing everything about your life in hopes of seeking approval. Do not fight with your mother -that is my point. How is she going to fight with you if you don’t discuss it. If she badgers -leave, hang up, disconnect. If you’re living at home -move out. If you are not living at home -then its a lot easier. Life is fine, work is fine, home is fine. Be vague, very general. They can not give (name removed by moderator)ut on your choices if they don’t know what they are.

Your parents inappropriate behavior is not your fault, but you do have to own your part. Live your life, be happy with your choices. You are looking for too much approval from outside sources whether its parents or anyone else. Be confident in who you are. I have a mother who thinks her children are an extension of herself. She recently said to me “I’m so glad you’re old enough now to handle yourself.” I’m 42 -I’ve been married since I was 18 years old. All this time she never noticed I was old enough? And she’s not glad because she tries at every opportunity to tell me what to do. I rarely share very much any more because whatever I decide is always the opposite of what she would do. I’ve stopped engaging in arguments, I just won’t discuss it. Love you mom -bye.

 

[Xantippe]

Well…you’re not supposed to say it in an angry way. My response would be -calmly state “I expect to be treated like an adult because I am one, I do not expect to be treated like an adult sometime in the future, I expect to be treated like one now. The fact that you can not accept that I am one and continue to feel I need your permission is something you have to work on and I can not help you with. Have a wonderful day mom. I will talk to you later.” Click.

Yes.