How DO you meet men, anyway?

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tabsie3210

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  1. Having a boyfriend or husband won’t make my life better, easier, or more fulfilled.
  2. I’ve talked to priests in the past about my vocation and have come to accept that I’m not meant to be a nun or to live forever a single life. I enjoy family living and like having close relationships, and I would do better as a wife and mother, we decided together.
  3. The only people worthy of unconditional love are God and people with childish mentalities, and we’re called to give them unconditional love by Jesus, who reminds us that, “when I was hungry, you fed me.” I do not merit unconditional love. Having a husband and children won’t get me unconditional love, nor should I expect it to, nor should I want it to. It’s my job to give love not to be the center of attention.
That said…

How the heck do people meet guys anyway?

I had a boyfriend, Mike, in high school for two years. He and I broke up because I wanted to go to college and his Baptist family wasn’t crazy about a girl going to college.

I met James at age 21 at our job in a grocery store. He and I dated on and off for years, until I was about 27 or 28. We’ve been everything from casual dates to engaged. I broke up with him when I realized he’d rather bed hop than be in love. And he tried to molest a friend of mine while her sons were home.

I briefly dated another guy named Jim, but he was also looking for a bedmate, and explaining I wouldn’t have sex with him greatly disappointed him.

I dated a guy named Rane, who had three children and who looked like a stable person. Turned out he was just looking for someone to be a full-time babysitter for his kids while he went out and did his own thing, including seeing their mother. The kids got taken from him at one point because he wasn’t taking proper care of them. I broke it off with him. I believe their birth mother and her new husband got the kids but I’m not sure.

I’ve been permenantly single for about three years, I’m 31, and I have no idea how to meet people. I met all my boyfriends completely by accident. I don’t have a clue how to actually meet guys who are serious. I tried True.com, but so far nobody is really interested in a steady relationship. There seems to be a lot of sexual hooking up there, rather than looking for a serious relationship.

How do people meet potential husbands? I want a guy who doesn’t mind being a good head to a household, doesn’t mind adopting, doesn’t mind me working outside the home, and doesn’t mind living close to home. I would like a guy who’s serious about getting married, not jus looking for a lover, someone who respects his parents, and someone who respects authority. And I’m looking for someone who’s Catholic, something I haven’t had in any of my boyfriends yet.

Where does one look? How does one look? I have no idea. I’ve never really looked before. I mean, there are all kinds of “singles events” that are secular, but not many Catholic events that I can find that aren’t for either older people or much younger people. I’m 31 and I seem to be in a weird position. They’ve got events for single adults over 40, they’ve got Young Adult prayer meets for people 18 - 25. But there’s nothing that I can find for someone 25 - 39.

And I’m nervous about going to secular meetings because I want a good Catholic man, not someone who’s outside my beliefs. Also, I want to look for someone to get married to, not someone to date and ditch or to have sex with.

Blah.
 
You could try a Catholic dating website.
avemariasingles.com/

Keep busy doing things you like. Live your life. Volunteer for Catholic organizations. Let your friends know you’d be interested in meeting a nice Catholic guy. Any Theology on Tap meetings in your area?

Your #1 on your list is truly problematic. If you truly don’t feel having a husband won’t make your life better chances are you are giving off that attitude. That’s the purpose of a husband. To make your life better and to get you into heaven. For you to make his life better and get him into heaven. You might want to read about marriage and what it is about. Pray for God to change your heart. It seems to be closed . Could be that’s why you haven’t met anyone worthwhile lately.
 
I agree with seatuck–just live your life. I don’t think that one needs to “purposely” be looking for a spouse. While Catholic online dating sites can be helpful–and many on here who have met their spouses, etc from them, are great testaments to them–I don’t think it’s necessary to purposely look.

I think that if you volunteer and live your life for others…being a servant to God, and to others…when you are not ‘looking’ the right person might just be put onto your path. God has great plans for you…and for me…and sometimes, His ways unfold in mysterious surroundings, where we least expect to meet the right person. I met my husband through an old bf who was moving away…many moon ago. I didn’t want to attend the going away party (it was a good riddance party frankly, in my eyes lol) but, I did, met my husband…and we were friends for a while. It wasn’t planned, just happened…

So…not trying to sway you from online dating sites…they can be great. But, just live and love life, and let Jesus shine through you. Someone special will notice the glow.

God bless, and good luck to you!
 
tabsie3210 said:
  1. Having a boyfriend or husband won’t make my life better, easier, or more fulfilled.
  2. I’ve talked to priests in the past about my vocation and have come to accept that I’m not meant to be a nun or to live forever a single life. I enjoy family living and like having close relationships, and I would do better as a wife and mother, we decided together.
  3. The only people worthy of unconditional love are God and people with childish mentalities, and we’re called to give them unconditional love by Jesus, who reminds us that, “when I was hungry, you fed me.” I do not merit unconditional love. Having a husband and children won’t get me unconditional love, nor should I expect it to, nor should I want it to. It’s my job to give love not to be the center of attention.
That said…

How the heck do people meet guys anyway?

I had a boyfriend, Mike, in high school for two years. He and I broke up because I wanted to go to college and his Baptist family wasn’t crazy about a girl going to college.

I met James at age 21 at our job in a grocery store. He and I dated on and off for years, until I was about 27 or 28. We’ve been everything from casual dates to engaged. I broke up with him when I realized he’d rather bed hop than be in love. And he tried to molest a friend of mine while her sons were home.

I briefly dated another guy named Jim, but he was also looking for a bedmate, and explaining I wouldn’t have sex with him greatly disappointed him.

I dated a guy named Rane, who had three children and who looked like a stable person. Turned out he was just looking for someone to be a full-time babysitter for his kids while he went out and did his own thing, including seeing their mother. The kids got taken from him at one point because he wasn’t taking proper care of them. I broke it off with him. I believe their birth mother and her new husband got the kids but I’m not sure.

I’ve been permenantly single for about three years, I’m 31, and I have no idea how to meet people. I met all my boyfriends completely by accident. I don’t have a clue how to actually meet guys who are serious. I tried True.com, but so far nobody is really interested in a steady relationship. There seems to be a lot of sexual hooking up there, rather than looking for a serious relationship.

How do people meet potential husbands? I want a guy who doesn’t mind being a good head to a household, doesn’t mind adopting, doesn’t mind me working outside the home, and doesn’t mind living close to home. I would like a guy who’s serious about getting married, not jus looking for a lover, someone who respects his parents, and someone who respects authority. And I’m looking for someone who’s Catholic, something I haven’t had in any of my boyfriends yet.

Where does one look? How does one look? I have no idea. I’ve never really looked before. I mean, there are all kinds of “singles events” that are secular, but not many Catholic events that I can find that aren’t for either older people or much younger people. I’m 31 and I seem to be in a weird position. They’ve got events for single adults over 40, they’ve got Young Adult prayer meets for people 18 - 25. But there’s nothing that I can find for someone 25 - 39.

And I’m nervous about going to secular meetings because I want a good Catholic man, not someone who’s outside my beliefs. Also, I want to look for someone to get married to, not someone to date and ditch or to have sex with.

Blah.
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Trust in God, make friends (“to gain friends, you must be a friend”), and let the Lord take care of everything. You know your vocation and so dose God. Don’t rush, just let God do the work. You just have to trust in Him, pray, and make friends. The more friends you have, the better a chance you have in finding your husband. This is the best and only advice I have in finding a husband and I will pray for you.
 
Seatuck:

I should have rephrased that #1 like this:
  1. Having a husband isn’t an instant cures to all my worries and phobias, isn’t going to be some kind of magical fairy tale where everything goes right and the dishes never get dirty. I don’t need to cling to a husband to be my absolute savior, and my life isn’t worthless without a husband. I don’t need a husband to fulfill my life - I want one to share my joys and sorrows with, not to “fix” things for me.
Too many of the girls I know expect a knight to come rescue them and when things don’t go perfect, they get divorced, instead of trying to work it out, because they feel “cheated,” and they’re struggling to find husbands to be “worthy” of love. If they don’t have boyfriends or husbands, they feel like they’re worthless and their lives are meaningless.
 
Seatuck said:
Your #1 on your list is truly problematic. If you truly don’t feel having a husband won’t make your life better chances are you are giving off that attitude. That’s the purpose of a husband. To make your life better and to get you into heaven. For you to make his life better and get him into heaven. You might want to read about marriage and what it is about. Pray for God to change your heart. It seems to be closed . Could be that’s why you haven’t met anyone worthwhile lately.
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I don’t think the OP really meant comment #1 literally…I interpreted it as an attempt to dispel the “you don’t need a man to make you happy, so stop focusing so much on men” type of comments which inevitably appear on threads like these.
 
I can’t help but notice that women and men are obsessed with meeting the “right one”. Love is the will. We will to love someone. That’s not all. In time if we work towards caring for someone the love just grows and grows. True love is not like in a story book. I met my wife because someone said Sgt. ME she’s you kind of girl. Well I was planning on returning to the seminary and this girl was a Protestant. Turns out I wasn’t really attracted to her. But her story drew me near and as I came to her thinking I’d try to help her at the same time I was really curious how an idiot of a soldier could come to a conclusion that she was “my kind of girl”. I always had a preconceived notion of what my type of girl was. and she didn’t fit the mold. She wasn’t blonde, blue eyes, fair skinned, brick house, catholic, or middle class. Well she did have 2 of the qualities, blue eys and fair skin but that was it.

Well. that Protestant girl turned out to be a real hottie…beautiful woman and I never even noticed it. I was attracted to her…not her body, money or whatever. Her. True dignity. 17 years later and voila…she converts to Catholicism…on her own…with the nugging of the Holy Spirit of course, but not me. Now I would not suggest you look for a protestant man. But you do need to find someone that you see beyond the physical. There’s so much to a relationship that is independent of the physical. As a society we are soooooooo brain washed. I clearly told my son considering the priesthood that I’d prefer him to consider marrying a devout Christian /Catholic girl that wasn’t as beautiful as someone who was a lame Catholic hottie. No way. See beyond the physical and look for someone that will help you become a Saint. And visa versa.

Just my opinion.
 
Dating sites or dating events won’t replace spontaneous contact, which is normally the best way, though for that contact you need exposure. You simply need to be where they are likely to be found. I’m not sure signing up for a dozen activities just for the sake of meeting a potential partner would be a great thing, but one needs to meet people anyway. So, just be around people? Friends aren’t bad to have. Some cause to share. Some events to attend…
 
Is your catholic faith important to you?
Should your potential mate share your faith & values?
Looking for fellowship with other catholic singles?
 
tabsie3210 said:
  1. I do not merit unconditional love. Having a husband and children won’t get me unconditional love, nor should I expect it to, nor should I want it to. It’s my job to give love not to be the center of attention.
h.
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nobody “merits” unconditional love, it is a free gift from God. Marital love is a mutual self-giving, not a unilateral sacrifice. In that it is modeled upon Christ’s love for his church. It is the “job” of the wife to receive her husband’s love as well as to give him her love. Only a suggestion based on your own story, to work on this statement for a while and consider the nature of real love, beginning with 1 Corinthians 13. If upon reflection you begin to wonder if you have a problem accepting love, and that leads to a difficulty in commiting to a relationship, you could then pursue counselling or other means to work on that issue.

as for how to meet people, have been in the parish long enough to see couples returning for marriage prep who were together in Confirmation or RCIA classes, helped in the CCD program together as young adults, or have worked together in various parish ministries and apostolates. muey romantico. old-fashioned advice but apparently still good, get involved in your parish.
  1. Having a husband isn’t an instant cures to all my worries and phobias, isn’t going to be some kind of magical fairy tale where everything goes right and the dishes never get dirty. I don’t need to cling to a husband to be my absolute savior, and my life isn’t worthless without a husband. I don’t need a husband to fulfill my life - I want one to share my joys and sorrows with, not to “fix” things for me.
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this is a very healthy attitude and realistic
 
How do you meet guys?

Forget bars. If your parish has social events, all well and good. If you volunteer for some kind of political or charitable activity all well and good too.

But if you want to meet guys, sign up for guy-heavy events or classes (like sports-oriented classes or something equally wholesome) and then let them help you figure stuff out.
 
If they are active in your area, try meetupcom

It’s a website that tries to act as a way to meet people with similar interests in your area. For example, most areas have a “hiking group” that may schedule an area hike once a month or so. If you are interested, you go.
 
How do you meet anyone? Put yourself out there!

Volunteer. You are interested in children…try an organization that focuses on meeting the needs of children…Boys & Girls Club, coaching, tutoring, your parish R.E. program, etc…and you’re likely to encounter like-minded (read: service oriented/child-friendly people); invite and entertain: your current friends and ask them to include a friends you don’t know–host a pot luck, a book club, a wine tasting…anything that works as a fun mixer and reason to meet new people; take a class/join a group doing something you enjoy as a hobby: cooking, cycling, hiking, arts, music–whatever…again it will put you in the midst of folks with similar interests/passions; tell your friends you’re interested in a relationship–sometimes the best connections/introductions come through people we already know!

Good luck!
 
To the OP, as you can see the diversity of “answers” because the answer is not containable. 20 different people will have met in 20 different ways. I’m sorry for your plight, I have the same. Wouldn’t hurt to try any of them though. Whatever you do, be yourself. Sounds like you have been.
 
The whole, “I don’t merit uncondional love” thing was because a cousin of mine wanted to get married to a guy just because she thought she “deserved” his love, without trying to work for the relationship. She wanted to be the center of his world and expected that he would fall in line. When he wanted a little attenion, she complained he was being selfish.

I’m against the kind of self-centered thinking that says, “I NEED a husband because he’ll give me unconditional love,” or, “He’ll fix all my problems for me,” or, heaven help me, “I’m not worthy of life if I don’t have someone who loves me.”

I listed all that stuff at the beginning because I didn’t want to mislead anyone into thinking that I was desperate for a husband when I should be working on myself, first. And really, I was mostly curious about options that are open.

You see, before I got back into my faith, most of my friends were (and still are) Pagan, and want nothing to do with Catholicism. Well, naturally they go to pagan meetings and so forth, and almost all of their friends are pagan - I’m the token Catholic in the group. The one Protestant friend I have has fallen away from God and isn’t as interested as he once was, so he’s not making new friends with other Christians, either.

Now, I have a new job and it’s an office job, meaning that for the first time I’m working around people who are my own age or close to it (I used to work in a deli, and since it was in a grocery store, all the guys my age were managers, and the rest of the males were in their teens to early 20s). However, I’ve observed them for a while, and of the ones that are not married, about half either currently live with or have lived with girlfriends, and in their experience, a relationship must include sex (the fact that I’ve never had sex freaks out the majority of them). The other half are either atheists, agnostics, or Hindus/Buddhists - I work for an oil company now, and we have a large number of non-Christian Indians who have recently come to work for us.

This makes things a little stressful for me. I’ve only met one other Catholic there, a married man, and he’s been married and divorced before he married his current wife, and he uses birth control. And talks bout it publicly, as do most of the other guys.

I know that they say the best place to find love is in the work place, but honestly, being a Catholic in Texas, right near the Bible Belt, is pretty hard sometimes. That’s why I was asking - I’ve never had to look before. Oh well.
 
tabsie3210 said:
Now, I have a new job and it’s an office job, meaning that for the first time I’m working around people who are my own age or close to it (I used to work in a deli, and since it was in a grocery store, all the guys my age were managers, and the rest of the males were in their teens to early 20s). However, I’ve observed them for a while, and of the ones that are not married, about half either currently live with or have lived with girlfriends, and in their experience, a relationship must include sex (the fact that I’ve never had sex freaks out the majority of them). The other half are either atheists, agnostics, or Hindus/Buddhists - I work for an oil company now, and we have a large number of non-Christian Indians who have recently come to work for us…
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Unless you are actively dating someone, why would this EVER come up in casual conversation…it seems a wildly inappropriate topic for work colleagues. Perhaps some discretion is in order from you even if it’s not practiced by your co-workers. Your virginity, or their sex lives are no ones’ business and extremely private information to share with co-workers.
…This makes things a little stressful for me. I’ve only met one other Catholic there, a married man, and he’s been married and divorced before he married his current wife, and he uses birth control. And **talks bout it publicly, as do most of the other guys. **
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Again so inappropriate for a married man to be discussing his and his wife’s method of family planning with a single, female co-worker. Were I you I’d find a way to excuse myself from these types of conversations since they seem to be common in your workplace.
…I know that they say the best place to find love is in the work place, but honestly, being a Catholic in Texas, right near the Bible Belt, is pretty hard sometimes. That’s why I was asking - I’ve never had to look before. Oh well.
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I don’t know who “they” are in this case, but I couldn’t disagree more. Most established companies have rules against co-workers dating because of all the problems it can cause. While you spend a lot of time with co-workers and there certainly are cases where it works out, I would avoid dating in this environment especially since it sounds like the first “real” job you’ve had and you wouldn’t wan to compromise your future there.
 
I would say, take up a gender-neutral hobby and go to meetings where like-minded men are likely to be. Do volunteer work in places where you are likely to meet nice people.

I assume you already go to Church.

I started dating seriously when I was 22 or 23 (right after I graduated from college) and I was married by the time I was 26 - I met my husband while doing volunteer work. I was 24 years old when I first met him. I was dating someone else at the time, so we didn’t start going out right away.
 
Island_Oak said:
Unless you are actively dating someone, why would this EVER come up in casual conversation…it seems a wildly inappropriate topic for work colleagues. Perhaps some discretion is in order from you even if it’s not practiced by your co-workers. Your virginity, or their sex lives are no ones’ business and extremely private information to share with co-workers.
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I’m sorry, but I must commend her. If she is comfortable enough to say so, God bless her for revealing that gift of God to someone who may very well need to hear it and know that it is a good fruit, and that it is possible. But that is off-topic.
 
Island Oak:

Heh. There are exactly two females who work in my office - me and the other lady who does the same job I do. All of the guys are originally from the oil fields, and, well… they can be pretty crass. The conversations about the current live-in girlfriends is pretty tame most of the time, talking about taking them out to dinner and so forth, but one of the guys came in with bad rug burns on his knees and explained how that happened. I jokingly put my hands over my ears and said, “You’re burning my virgin ears off!”

His response was, “Like anyone in this office is a virgin!”

Mine was, “Well, actually, I am. I’m Catholic.”

After he scraped his jaw up from the floor he nodded and went back to his cubicle. The guys really cleaned up their language after that, and cleaned up the music they listen to, as well, even though I haven’t asked them to. I did explain that sometimes they made me a little uncomfortable with some of the stuff they played (one guy had an entire “lecture” on “the F word” that he played after all the bosses went home), and they’ve been real respectful since then.

But really, having looked them over, these guys aren’t exactly the types of people that I’d like to date. I do want to have good working relationships with them, but I do not feel like they or anyone they know would be a good source for potential husbands.

As to who “they” are saying that the best place to find love is at the work place, there have been several articles in non-scientific journals. One article in particular caught my eye was actually a bash against an online Catholic single’s website, AveMariaSingles.com, where the writer of the article - a Catholic - denounced the online Catholic site as a way for someone to make money off of people who don’t have the social skills to get out and meet people. He then added that the best ways to meet people were to find them first at work, second at volunteer activities, and third through friends and family. The implication was that if you can’t find someone to marry within your personal social circle, it’s your fault for not being sociable enough to make a larger group of friends.

Needless to say, I felt a little depressed about that. I’ve always cherished very close relationships - the people who are my best friends now I’ve know since middle school or high school and have kept in contact with over the years. I’m more comfortable in a close-knit, intimate environment, rather than having lots of acquaintences. Unfortunately, because of this, I’m a little limited in my choices of Catholic friends.

This is the article, by the way:

nealjconway.com/essays/oneandtrue/catholicsingles/catholicsingles.html

See, this is why I’m wondering how people meet other people - I don’t fit what this guy says at all because I don’t have a huge social circle to work from. On the one hand, it’s got me depressed, but on the other hand, I know that can’t be all there is to finding a significant other. I know I’m called to marriage, but I want it to be with a serious partner who wants to raise our kids Catholic and who wants to give himself fully to marriage, to have fun and build up the Kingdom, and to work together as partners. It’s hard when the majority of relationships I’ve seen have been either purely sexual or have been serial marriages.

One last thing -

I work in an office with my cubicle and my partner’s cube on one side, and the guys all work on the other side. While we’re physically separated, we can hear their conversations, which is why I know all about their sex lives even though I didn’t ask to be privy to them. Given all that, though, the guys I work with are great because of late they’re toning it down and they’re trying to be more thoughtful to me and my partner. But I do feel like the odd man out around them.
 
31 is definitely an odd age for dating, even in today’s world.

When you’re very young, you have your school friends and the kids from Sunday School.

When you’re old, and everyone is either widowed or divorced, you have your community connections - people who’ve known you forever.

But at 31, there’s really nothing except work and Mass, and whatever hobbies you may have. I don’t know - I think if I were in your situation, I’d be looking at on-line dating. I don’t see anything wrong with it, as long as you’re careful. It’s not like you’re a kid, and likely to be fooled into giving away all your money to some stranger.
 
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