How do you plan a no-kids vacation?

[EasterJoy]

If I had to choose between a no-kid girl’s vacation or a no-kid vacation with my husband, it is a no brainer. I would choose my husband just like I would expect him to choose me over his hunting trip with the guys.

I am going with the assumption that you can’t do both.

It depends on whether we thought it best for at least one of us to be at home within the stretch of time the two trips were happening. Again, though, I like my mom’s model of “leaving a party to go to a party.” Kids like that very much. Do it that way, and they look forward to your trips away from home, provided they are limited in duration and frequency. (These is a limit to the fun meter for kids on having Mom and/or Dad out of the house. Small children are especially liable to get their feelings hurt or their noses bent out of shape if the absence is too long by a parents’ choice.)

For instance, if my husband were to go on a vacation with his friends, I might have my sister visit me and the kids while he was gone. That has the added advantage that my kids would become accustomed to having my sister at the house and I could show her where everything is, setting her up as the in-house caretaker when I went somewhere with my husband. I would be having a nice time at home, not just trying to juggle everything alone. That is just one way to do it, though.

 

[KP3243]

It is more common for men to “ditch” their wives in order to go golfing, hunting, and fishing. While it can be excessive and damaging to the marriage and the family, I think everyone here is talking about something that doesn’t happen more than a few days annually. When my dad went off hunting with his friends and relatives (this was a big trip across state, so it was 4-6 days), Mom made sure there was a holiday atmosphere at home, too. We’d have dinners that Dad didn’t like and do things that we enjoyed more than he did. When Mom and Dad were gone together, we weren’t left home just mooning over them. We were making memories with whoever was taking care of us. It was very much OK, because they never gave us the impression they were “ditching” us. They were spending time alone, which they needed, doing things that weren’t the sort of thing that kids like to do.

We have twin boys, and they like it very much when we split up and each parent goes a different place with only one of them. It is not that we are each “ditching” our spouse or (in the case of the boys) our twin. Instead, we are getting to talk with one particular person in a way that we don’t when we choose the topics to suit the whole group. The conversations, even on the same topic, are different. There is nothing wrong with that, and nothing “exclusionary” about that. It is just a different way to be with each other.

I never said anything about parents spending time with their child individually as a twin I think it is needed or other relatives. My problem is women leaving their husbands and children to go be with the girls for a few days. Like I said before a dinner or a lunch is great and women need time for themselves with or without other women and all the members of the family should respect that.

 

[Allegra]

I personally wouldn’t go anywhere without my baby just yet, but I hope to do so before too long and I don’t see anything wrong with other people doing so. Certain trips are not places you take small kids. (New Orleans, Vegas, mountain climbing, scuba diving, etc) If you have a grandparent available, why not? Otherwise, the only way you are going to be able to go ziplining in the grand canyon is if you bring a baby-sitter with you on the trip.

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

My parents taking weekends away from me and the siblings was a rather frequent occurrence when I was growing up, at least once or twice a year. They had some older friends in the mountains with whom I rather suspect they felt free to get drunk with. Nothing wrong with that. They left a trusted babysitter in charge of us and they left their itinerary with phone numbers with the babysitter. I was the eldest and my first sister was a year younger. When we were 12 and 11, we had already helped parents by babysitting while mother went shopping and father hadn’t got home from work yet, and we were used to cooking simple meals and changing diapers for our little siblings. So from my age 12 on, the parents left us in charge for the weekend. Of course with as complete a set of phone numbers as they could give us. The longest trip away I can remember was they went away for a week for their tenth anniversary, the rest of the time it was just weekends.

The other thing one has to remember is that for many families, the extended family is gone and I think that puts a lot of pressure on the parents. When I was little, I can remember my parents frequently taking us to grandma’s house where they plopped down in easy chairs with beers while my mother’s younger sisters who weren’t married yet took charge of us to my mother’s grateful relief. Grandparents are really, really handy to have around for those parents lucky enough to live near them.

 

[Xantippe]

I never said anything about parents spending time with their child individually as a twin I think it is needed or other relatives. My problem is women leaving their husbands and children to go be with the girls for a few days. Like I said before a dinner or a lunch is great and women need time for themselves with or without other women and all the members of the family should respect that.

Do you disapprove of husbands going off on multi-day hunting and fishing trips, too? Come to think of it, my husband occasionally does a 2 or 3 day trip where he goes to check in on frail elderly friends in far-away cities. He also sometimes (not recently, though) has done very late star-gazing outings and there’s the possibility of him doing overnights for star-gazing in the future. Plus there’s work stuff (which can be somewhat recreational)–dinners, conferences, talks, seminars, etc. Just this past spring break, I was home with all my kids while my husband was in South America for a week. There was some work, but there was also sight-seeing and fun–I’m told you can get some pretty good, inexpensive French food in Santiago. A year ago (I think), he got to go to Prague for work and had a very good time. Meanwhile, I was home with kids.

There tends to be some sort of balance in this situations where mom gets to do X and dad gets to do Y.

In any case, the OP’s original girls’ outing plan was (if I’m counting correctly) for no more than 36 hours away from home–not a biggie.

 

[KP3243]

Do you disapprove of husbands going off on multi-day hunting and fishing trips, too? Come to think of it, my husband occasionally does a 2 or 3 day trip where he goes to check in on frail elderly friends in far-away cities. He also sometimes (not recently, though) has done very late star-gazing outings and there’s the possibility of him doing overnights for star-gazing in the future. Plus there’s work stuff (which can be somewhat recreational)–dinners, conferences, talks, seminars, etc. Just this past spring break, I was home with all my kids while my husband was in South America for a week. There was some work, but there was also sight-seeing and fun–I’m told you can get some pretty good, inexpensive French food in Santiago. A year ago (I think), he got to go to Prague for work and had a very good time. Meanwhile, I was home with kids.

There tends to be some sort of balance in this situations where mom gets to do X and dad gets to do Y.

In any case, the OP’s original girls’ outing plan was (if I’m counting correctly) for no more than 36 hours away from home–not a biggie.

Facepalm

 

[Allegra]

I never said anything about parents spending time with their child individually as a twin I think it is needed or other relatives. My problem is women leaving their husbands and children to go be with the girls for a few days. Like I said before a dinner or a lunch is great and women need time for themselves with or without other women and all the members of the family should respect that.

Why do you have a problem with other women going away for a few days with their friends? The OP is talking about one night. I really don’t see the harm in that. Presumably, one doesn’t seek to marry a man whom one can’t trust to look after his own children. While mom is bonding with her friends or sisters, the kids are bonding with their dad. Emotionally healthy and confident children are not going to go to pieces over one night away from mom. Where’s the problem? Honestly, I see less problem with a mom going away for a few days as a special occasion then a mom who is in town, but spends every other evening at the gym, on the computer, on her phone, or shopping for clothes.

 

[Xantippe]

My parents taking weekends away from me and the siblings was a rather frequent occurrence when I was growing up, at least once or twice a year. They had some older friends in the mountains with whom I rather suspect they felt free to get drunk with. Nothing wrong with that. They left a trusted babysitter in charge of us and they left their itinerary with phone numbers with the babysitter. I was the eldest and my first sister was a year younger. When we were 12 and 11, we had already helped parents by babysitting while mother went shopping and father hadn’t got home from work yet, and we were used to cooking simple meals and changing diapers for our little siblings. So from my age 12 on, the parents left us in charge for the weekend. Of course with as complete a set of phone numbers as they could give us. The longest trip away I can remember was they went away for a week for their tenth anniversary, the rest of the time it was just weekends.

I am in awe of your parents. Classic 1970s-style parenting!

The other thing one has to remember is that for many families, the extended family is gone and I think that puts a lot of pressure on the parents. When I was little, I can remember my parents frequently taking us to grandma’s house where they plopped down in easy chairs with beers while my mother’s younger sisters who weren’t married yet took charge of us to my mother’s grateful relief. Grandparents are really, really handy to have around for those parents lucky enough to live near them.

Yes!

I grew up with local grandparents who were young (grandma was 50 when I was born) and very interested in doing stuff with grandkids. We did many, many trips with them over the years–skiing many times, Grand Canyon, the Southwest, Victoria BC, more local trips in WA. During the school year, when I got done with a school event, I’d just walk across the fields to my grandparents’ and stay there until my dad came to pick me up. It was very handy having them living within walking distance of school.

My kids have never had a fraction of that. We’ve always lived 2,000+ miles away from all of the grandparents. We see them for occasional visits, maxing out at around 10 days, and the kids have done a few trips with grandparents and a parent or two, but grandparents aren’t part of their daily lives. If we so much as want to go out to dinner together, my husband and I need to get a sitter and pay through the nose. When the kids were littler, we spent a small fortune on sitters. I can’t remember when we last went out to a movie together without kids (it’s got to be 3+ years at least) and I’m also struggling to remember when we last went out to dinner together without kids (probably another 3+ years). We’ve had kids for 12 years and we’ve literally never both been away from them all overnight. We’ve already put in a request with some grandparents for them to take our kids for our 20th anniversary so we can do a trip alone together, and we did so 4 years in advance.

That’s the background for all of this talk about trips–a lot of modern US families live far from extended family, so even the briefest trip away from children requires strategizing worthy of Rommel.

 

[Xantippe]

Facepalm

Not seeing the problem. What is the problem?

 

[KP3243]

Why do you have a problem with other women going away for a few days with their friends? The OP is talking about one night. I really don’t see the harm in that. Presumably, one doesn’t seek to marry a man whom one can’t trust to look after his own children. While mom is bonding with her friends or sisters, the kids are bonding with their dad. Emotionally healthy and confident children are not going to go to pieces over one night away from mom. Where’s the problem? Honestly, I see less problem with a mom going away for a few days as a special occasion then a mom who is in town, but spends every other evening at the gym, on the computer, on her phone, or shopping for clothes.

What adult needs to bond with friends, I love my friends dearly my best friend and
I have been besties since 1st grade I was co-maid of honor with her sister Neither one of us need to leave our families for even a day to bond- what the heck 20 years of friendship I think we bonded. When we were single we traveled everywhere together. I know in an instant if I needed anything she would be there for me and I hope she would say the same about me. I could go weeks without talking to her and never once would it occur to me that she was mad and I know I could pick up the phone and suggest dinner and we would make it work. All my other friends have kids and they don’t like leaving them. If we go out we bring them along, it might not be 5 star restaurants like before but the zoo is a blast if you make it a blast. My goodness we had 12 kids at Red Robin last month.

 

[KP3243]

Not seeing the problem. What is the problem?

I said nothing about business trips that are part of a job.

 

[Xantippe]

I said nothing about business trips that are part of a job.

Here’s my point–if my husband gets to go to Prague and Chile on business (and yes, there definitely was some fun involved in going to Prague and Chile), isn’t it fair to let me have some free time to compensate for the rather extensive time period when I was covering his normal home responsibilities?

 

[KP3243]

Here’s my point–if my husband gets to go to Prague and Chile on business (and yes, there definitely was some fun involved in going to Prague and Chile), isn’t it fair to let me have some free time to compensate for the rather extensive time period when I was covering his normal home responsibilities?

I don’t tabulate things like that.

 

[Xantippe]

I don’t tabulate things like that.

So, if dad was gone for a week every month on business, it would still be wrong for mom to go away for one night a year with her friends out of town?

Interesting.

 

[EasterJoy]

…Neither one of us need to leave our families for even a day to bond- what the heck 20 years of friendship I think we bonded. When we were single we traveled everywhere together. I know in an instant if I needed anything she would be there for me and I hope she would say the same about me. I could go weeks without talking to her and never once would it occur to me that she was mad and I know I could pick up the phone and suggest dinner and we would make it work. All my other friends have kids and they don’t like leaving them. If we go out we bring them along, it might not be 5 star restaurants like before but the zoo is a blast if you make it a blast. My goodness we had 12 kids at Red Robin last month.

Well, good for you. You don’t care to go on an overnight with your female friends and relatives, fine. That doesn’t mean you’re more virtuous or love your children more or are a better mother or closer to the sanctity of the Holy Family than someone who would consider leaving her husband and children for 48 or 72 hours in order to spend time exclusively with her female family or friends. That is seriously insulting to a lot of exemplary mothers (and fathers)–including mine!!

If someone were to say that if you really had a good female-female relationships and a strong relationship with your husband and secure children who know you love them without you being there 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year for their entire childhood or your entire marriage, you wouldn’t talk like this, and they have to conclude you are some kind of a helicopter parent, they would be just as wrong.

 

[KP3243]

Well, good for you. You don’t care to go on an overnight with your female friends and relatives, fine. That doesn’t mean you’re more virtuous or love your children more or are a better mother or closer to the sanctity of the Holy Family than someone who would consider leaving her husband and children for 48 or 72 hours in order to spend time exclusively with her female family or friends. That is seriously insulting to a lot of exemplary mothers (and fathers)–including mine!!

If someone were to say that if you really had a good female-female relationships and a strong relationship with your husband and secure children who know you love them without you being there 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year for their entire childhood or your entire marriage, you wouldn’t talk like this, and they have to conclude you are some kind of a helicopter parent, they would be just as wrong.

Nope you jumped to that conclusion all on your own. I never said any of these things my whole original point was that I find leaving your family for an overnight with friends is odd to me. You all jump to the conclusion that MUST mean 24/7/365 which I clearly stated is not the case.

 

[KP3243]

So, if dad was gone for a week every month on business, it would still be wrong for mom to go away for one night a year with her friends out of town?

Interesting.

First you didn’t say one night a year, you said it as if your husband owed you something because he happens to travel as part of his job and goes to interesting places and has fun while he is there. You keep changing the scenario and going to absolute extremes. It started off with Prague and some other city now it’s every week mom is home alone being mom and dad while dad is traveling the world having a grand ole time without them which isn’t what I was responding to.

 

[Pax2u]

There are so many variables to this situation…

I would answer “Yes, go” if: it was an occasional thing for Mom to want a day or two away with her girlfriends, and Dad or another trusted relative or friend was available and willing to watch them in her absence, and money is not an issue.

I would day “No, now is not the time” if money is tight and both parents would need to take time off work, or it was more than an infrequent occasion that caused some issues in the marriage.

We don’t really know how her husband feels about it, what their financial situation is, if there are grandparents nearby who WANT to babysit…

 

[Xantippe]

First you didn’t say one night a year, you said it as if your husband owed you something because he happens to travel as part of his job and goes to interesting places and has fun while he is there. You keep changing the scenario and going to absolute extremes. It started off with Prague and some other city now it’s every week mom is home alone being mom and dad while dad is traveling the world having a grand ole time without them which isn’t what I was responding to.

Real-life women aren’t “ditching” their families for extended periods–nobody can afford those kinds of trips regularly, for one thing.

I’m counting up, and I’ve been away from all children at most a week total (but probably not quite that much) over the course of 12 years of having kids and my husband and I have never managed a night away together over those 12 years. As far as family vacations (not travel to visit extended family), we did 2 nights total this year and 1 night away 2.5 years ago. In real life, it is a rare and precious thing to be able to get out of the house and have an actual vacation, with or without children and with or without spouse.

 

[Allegra]

What adult needs to bond with friends, I love my friends dearly my best friend and
I have been besties since 1st grade I was co-maid of honor with her sister Neither one of us need to leave our families for even a day to bond- what the heck 20 years of friendship I think we bonded. When we were single we traveled everywhere together. I know in an instant if I needed anything she would be there for me and I hope she would say the same about me. I could go weeks without talking to her and never once would it occur to me that she was mad and I know I could pick up the phone and suggest dinner and we would make it work. All my other friends have kids and they don’t like leaving them. If we go out we bring them along, it might not be 5 star restaurants like before but the zoo is a blast if you make it a blast. My goodness we had 12 kids at Red Robin last month.

I do. I have several friends that I grew up with or that I met in college who are very dear to me, who live in other states. If my friend in Chicago wants me to come up and attend her bachelorette party, I can’t really bring a baby. If my friend in Kansas City invites me to see her perform in an opera, well, babies aren’t really known for being Wagnerians. If my friend in Michigan, who has older kids, invites me to come up and go water skiing, it’s kinda hard to do that with a baby. If it doesn’t bother my husband if I leave for an overnight with friends, why should it bother you?