How do you see people who don't leave cheating spouses?

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Some of you might be able to guess what public scandal inspired this topic, but I’ve noticed that many “Western” people, even those who are “Christian” or “conservative” and otherwise frown on divorce, not only find divorce acceptable for adultery, they actually find it almost mandatory, and look down on spouses who choose to forgive.

They often state, “I could never stay with a cheater”, and seem to assume those who do, must either be victims of abuse, or staying just until the kids are grown, or staying for some ulterior motive – often, if the cheater is rich, people assume the spouse is staying just for the money. I’ve even seen such spouses described as prostituting themselves, and essentially deserving what they get. Men especially seem to be seen as weak and emasculated if they’d put up with a wife daring to cheat, and encouraged to divorce ASAP, or at least engage in his own affairs as legitimate payback.

Of course I know a practicing Catholic would not advise this, but I’ve seen many secular people suggest this to a “scorned” spouse. Especially in the context of separation, which for many people is seen as license to “date” and have sex with other people, even when still legally married.

In contrast, in many other cultures, people see adultery, especially if committed by a man, to be no big deal, and to certainly NOT rise to the level of an offense that permits divorce. As long as a man is still providing for his wife and kids, what’s the big deal if he steps out with a girlfriend, or even a prostitute, once in a while? If the man is rich enough, they may even say, “why should it matter if he has a mistress and bastards, as long as he’s able to provide for them all?”

Of course, many such cultures see marriage as a business proposition that has little to do with love, or even accept actual polygamy as legitimate. I’m not even talking about Middle Eastern or Asian countries, the stereotypical “French” or “European” approach to marital fidelity is similar, and sometimes, even female adultery is found to be acceptable as long as the wife waits a socially acceptable time period to pop out some legitimate heirs before engaging in her own affairs.

So, one could even argue that this abhorrence to adultery, is a modern American invention, used by selfish spouses to justify divorce and breaking up families. Some would likely even blame those evil, man-hating feminists for it all.

I am posting a poll on this, because I’ve noticed that many times, people are more comfortable answering poll questions on controversial issues, than actually stating their views in a post.
 
Truthfully I think tons depends on the situation. I only know what I would do. If I genuinely believed my husband was repentant, I would want to forgive him. If he wasn’t, I don’t think I could stay, though I might let him find his own way out.

Part of the problem is that repentance is really hard for an outside party to assess.
 
It depends on what the victim of the adultery says about it.

If they don’t say, you don’t know and so you don’t have any room to have an opinion at all. That is their business, and the decision about how to handle adultery is not a simple one.

If they say they are trying to work things out, that’s usually a good thing unless the victim is denying that abusive behavior is in fact abusive behavior. In that case, you kind of have to convince them to recognize the evil, since it won’t stop if no one will admit that there is evil going on. Otherwise, you let them talk when they want to and you try to be supportive. It is a hard road getting back from infidelity, and a two-steps-forward-one-step-back process isn’t unusual.

If the unfaithful spouse is unrepentant, the wronged spouse is angry about it all of the time, and the marriage is over, you do want to see the wronged person take the steps to do what they keep saying they’ll do. I know someone whose spouse has essentially moved out, except that the unfaithful spouse needs their place for the storage. Neither speaks well of the other, the unfaithful spouse is keeping the lover that has been flagrantly in the picture for years, they both complain about each other incessantly, the police have even been called about the fights, and you just want them to get off of each other’s radar. When all that is left of the common conjugal life is conflict, the conflict ought to be stopped.

As for the spouse that says he or she tolerates infidelity because it is just the way people are, I can’t understand it. Still, if they don’t complain and they don’t ask me, there is not much to be done except to agree that adultery is not an excusable sin, when the topic comes up. That doesn’t mean that there is never anything laudable about continuing in the common conjugal life with an adulterous spouse, provided that there is no tacit approval or encouragement by the other spouse. (It is not OK to frankly tolerate infidelity as a way to evade one’s conjugal duties to the wayward spouse. That “deal” is wrong for both spouses.)
 
I believe the choice to stay or leave in those circumstances has to come from a very deep, sacred part of a persons soul. During the discussions here about communion for the divorced/remarried, I came across an essay of Pope emeritus Benedict defining the phenomenon of people who marry in the sacrament without true faith and how widespread that is especially in Western society. A person with a strong faith who at the moment of their vow committed to loving the other no matter what… definitely has a source of powerul grace to keep them patient, resilient and hopeful in their love for a spouse off the rails, than a person without faith who’s vow wasn’t really experienced before God and the whole communion of saints. ie. in this circumstance we are discussing, they can only rely on their own feelings and abilities to find strength to endure.

In other cultures marriage is strongly experienced as a family or community contract and comes with a great sense of duty to family or community and that’s a powerful part of their commitment. In a way that experience is like the grace received through the sacrament by our Catholic committment before God and the communion of saints. That type of community fills needs in people that in the west we depend on mostly our spouse and the nuclear family to fill.

Every now and then you’ll hear the story of a spouse who patiently endured with the marriage while making wise moves so as not to be an enabler of the infidelity, restoring a marriage to even greater glory than before through their faith. Those are indeed good news stories. However, if a spouse is wracked by anxiety, panic and bitterness that always lead to vengefulness or worse, some sort of indifference… I think it serves marriage to leave it.
 
ToeInTheWater said:
Some of you might be able to guess what public scandal inspired this topic, but I’ve noticed that many “Western” people, even those who are “Christian” or “conservative” and otherwise frown on divorce, not only find divorce acceptable for adultery, they actually find it almost mandatory, and look down on spouses who choose to forgive.

They often state, “I could never stay with a cheater”, and seem to assume those who do, must either be victims of abuse, or staying just until the kids are grown, or staying for some ulterior motive – often, if the cheater is rich, people assume the spouse is staying just for the money. I’ve even seen such spouses described as prostituting themselves, and essentially deserving what they get. Men especially seem to be seen as weak and emasculated if they’d put up with a wife daring to cheat, and encouraged to divorce ASAP, or at least engage in his own affairs as legitimate payback.

Of course I know a practicing Catholic would not advise this, but I’ve seen many secular people suggest this to a “scorned” spouse. Especially in the context of separation, which for many people is seen as license to “date” and have sex with other people, even when still legally married.

In contrast, in many other cultures, people see adultery, especially if committed by a man, to be no big deal, and to certainly NOT rise to the level of an offense that permits divorce. As long as a man is still providing for his wife and kids, what’s the big deal if he steps out with a girlfriend, or even a prostitute, once in a while? If the man is rich enough, they may even say, “why should it matter if he has a mistress and bastards, as long as he’s able to provide for them all?”

Of course, many such cultures see marriage as a business proposition that has little to do with love, or even accept actual polygamy as legitimate. I’m not even talking about Middle Eastern or Asian countries, the stereotypical “French” or “European” approach to marital fidelity is similar, and sometimes, even female adultery is found to be acceptable as long as the wife waits a socially acceptable time period to pop out some legitimate heirs before engaging in her own affairs.

So, one could even argue that this abhorrence to adultery, is a modern American invention, used by selfish spouses to justify divorce and breaking up families. Some would likely even blame those evil, man-hating feminists for it all.

I am posting a poll on this, because I’ve noticed that many times, people are more comfortable answering poll questions on controversial issues, than actually stating their views in a post.
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Maybe they have stronger convictions than I do because I probably would not stay. However, I try not to judge because no one on the outside can look at a marriage and know what’s going on. And whether someone stays or goes it is a hard decision either way.
 
Of course I guess this question is skewed because most of the time, outsiders don’t even know about such situations unless the adulterer is a celebrity, or unless the adultery is so open and egregious that “everyone” in the adulterer’s social group is aware.

People are likely more apt to think divorce or at least separation is appropriate if a spouse has a long-term affair, or has a lot of one night stands, is seen prowling the red light district every weekend, etc. A one-time “mistake” such as the stereotypical man on a long business trip picking up a stranger at a bar for a ONS, or even hiring a prostitute, might not even be discovered by the victimized spouse, much less busybody friends and neighbors.

And I think it’s safe to say, most people are more likely to forgive such a one time only incident than repeated acts of adultery that are so egregious, it’s an “open secret” to the community.
 
It depends on the situation… I can’t possibly know what exactly was happening in the marriage before, during, and after the affair.

I admire people who are willing to forgive their spouses. However, I don’t criticize those who have a difficult time trusting someone who has betrayed them; it’s especially hard when the cheating spouse is unrepentant.

The only time I question someone is when it sounds like the spouse being cheated on is in denial or seems to have low-self esteem. I think people who adamantly excuse their spouse’s behavior are deflecting rather than coming to terms with what’s happened and forgiving.
 
I’d see them as a saint! Of course, there might not be sleeping in the same bedroom anymore. Each case is different just as each marriage is different.

Our culture has glorified adultery and made commitment something temporary.
 
It is really between the two people involved. IOW, no one of my business.
 
I personally know 3 couples who have been thru this. 1 split up, 2 are still together as far as I know. In all 3 cases it was the husband who was in a long-term affair. Interestingly, it was the 2 childless couples who stayed together & the 1 with kids who divorced. I don’t think any of them were particularly religious.

So, I voted “other” because I think every situation is different, & it might be a variety of reasons why couples stay together.
 
It would depend on the couple. With the Clinton’s, I assumed they needed to stay together for political/business reasons. I don’t suspect there was much Christian thought behind their situation.

Anne Beiler, the woman who founded Auntie Anne’s Pretzels, had an affair and she and her husband relied on their religious faith to work through it and they’re still together some years afterward. They wrote a book about it.

I personally know a woman who has cheated on her husband several times (meaning, she’s had more than one paramour as long-term relationships) over the past few years. She claims the husband is abusive. She moved out then moved back in. Moved out then moved back in. Initiated divorce proceedings and then dropped them. For whatever reason he keeps taking her back. He knows about the cheating. 🤷

Of the divorced couples I personally know (tragically more than I ever thought I would know) I’m not aware that any resulted from a cheating spouse. I think these were couples who just didn’t get along and didn’t want to be married to each other.
 
Other

There are many, many victims of adultery who would love to have the option to forgive, and rebuild their marriage and family - but they are given no choice by the adulterer who thinks that he/she is entirely in the right, and they are free to walk away from the marriage and start a new life.

Far too often advise on marriage assumes that both partners actually want to keep the marriage. If one of them doesn’t, then no amount of communication, forgiveness, counselling, etc. can keep him, or her. (And my understanding of the statistics is that in more than 50% of cases it is “her”).
 
Other - as in any of the above is fully possible, but I don’t want to pigeon hole anyone with out being able to get in their head.

I think people who make comments like you’ve described are just trying to distance themselves from that situation and would actually be more forgiving. I don’t think attitudes outside the reality reflect much on what people would really do if actually in that situation. The talk tends to the side of being harsh to essentially say from their current state of a good marriage, “no, this should never be allowed to happen; particularly to us!”
 
Edmundus1581 said:
Other

There are many, many victims of adultery who would love to have the option to forgive, and rebuild their marriage and family - but they are given no choice by the adulterer who thinks that he/she is entirely in the right, and they are free to walk away from the marriage and start a new life.

Far too often advise on marriage assumes that both partners actually want to keep the marriage. If one of them doesn’t, then no amount of communication, forgiveness, counselling, etc. can keep him, or her. (And my understanding of the statistics is that in more than 50% of cases it is “her”).
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I would love to do so, but wife had no interest. I stayed for our son; he is now 19 years old and in college.

Sadly, my wife has no interest in our marriage. We live separate lives under the same roof. 😦
 
I picked other.

There are so many different infidelity scenarios.

It’s my understanding that it’s rare to find a cheating spouse who is truly repentant and wants to work on the marriage but the wronged spouse just wants to split and end the marriage.

I think that most scenarios that play out is the wronged spouse would love to reconcile and work on the marriage and wouldn’t consider divorce but the cheating spouse wants nothing to do with it. They want to stay married but want “their cake too” and would love nothing more then to stay in the marriage but keep the side piece as well.

Plus…I genuinely believe that their are marriages out there that are just not salvageable and it really is in the best interest of the wronged spouse to try to forgive but also to just get out.
Spouses who are serial cheaters come to mind. Spouses who routinely frequent prostitutes, Craig’s list and ONS with complete strangers.
 
Kelfa28 said:
I picked other.

There are so many different infidelity scenarios.

It’s my understanding that it’s rare to find a cheating spouse who is truly repentant and wants to work on the marriage but the wronged spouse just wants to split and end the marriage.

I think that most scenarios that play out is the wronged spouse would love to reconcile and work on the marriage and wouldn’t consider divorce but the cheating spouse wants nothing to do with it. They want to stay married but want “their cake too” and would love nothing more then to stay in the marriage but keep the side piece as well.

Plus…I genuinely believe that their are marriages out there that are just not salvageable and it really is in the best interest of the wronged spouse to try to forgive but also to just get out.
Spouses who are serial cheaters come to mind. Spouses who routinely frequent prostitutes, Craig’s list and ONS with complete strangers.
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Yes, I think there’s a substantial practical difference between a one-off and a compulsive serial cheater.

Anecdotally, a lot of people that commit one-off infidelity are able to straighten up and fly right, but repeat offenders seem to be very different.

Of course, the one-off is much less likely to be discovered than the serial cheater, so if one discovers cheating, it’s likely to be a sign of serial cheating. (It’s like when you find the one mouse–it’s almost certainly not the only mouse.)
 
I think if I knew about it, I would mind my own business.

Usually people know or have a suspicion that their spouse is cheating. If that is going on, it would be up to the innocent spouse to ask herself or himself: “Would I be better off with him/her or not.”

If cheating is going on, it would be up to the spouse to talk to the husband/wife.
It seems that there is a double standard in that it’s OK for a guy to cheat, but not for his wife. Actually if there was a possibility of forgiving and finding out how to mend the marriage, they probably could seek counseling.

Some people seem more prone to cheating than others. I have often wondered why some people can’t stay faithful, but it might just be that if someone could marry the person they are having an affair with, they might not want to do it.
 
I am disgusted when politicians’ wives do the heavy-lifting for cheating husbands. That’s probably one of the more disgusting customs in our current politics–the wronged wife is brought out to grovel to the public to save her husband’s career. So undignified!
 
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