How do you see people who don't leave cheating spouses?

[Allegra]

I don’t have a generalized view of people in this situation. I think that forgiving a spouse for such an immense betrayal is a wonderful, Christlike thing to do. I don’t think forgiving them requires continuing to live with them, especially if they are unrepentant and are continuing with the betrayal. Protecting the children may be a good reason to try to work past a one-time infraction. However, it can also be that the best way to protect one’s children is not to allow them to see one of their parents victimizing the other without consequence. So really, everything depends on the individual situation and I think it’s best not to judge a spouse, whatever they decide to do.

 

[EasterJoy]

I don’t have a generalized view of people in this situation. I think that forgiving a spouse for such an immense betrayal is a wonderful, Christlike thing to do. I don’t think forgiving them requires continuing to live with them, especially if they are unrepentant and are continuing with the betrayal. Protecting the children may be a good reason to try to work past a one-time infraction. However, it can also be that the best way to protect one’s children is not to allow them to see one of their parents victimizing the other without consequence. So really, everything depends on the individual situation and I think it’s best not to judge a spouse, whatever they decide to do.

The Church agrees with you:

*Can. 1152 §1. Although it is earnestly recommended that a spouse, moved by Christian charity and concerned for the good of the family, not refuse forgiveness to an adulterous partner and not disrupt conjugal life, nevertheless, if the spouse did not condone the fault of the other expressly or tacitly, the spouse has the right to sever conjugal living unless the spouse consented to the adultery, gave cause for it, or also committed adultery.

…
§3. If the innocent spouse has severed conjugal living voluntarily, the spouse is to introduce a cause for separation within six months to the competent ecclesiastical authority which, after having investigated all the circumstances, is to consider carefully whether the innocent spouse can be moved to forgive the fault and not to prolong the separation permanently.

Can. 1155 The innocent spouse laudably can readmit the other spouse to conjugal life; in this case the innocent spouse renounces the right to separate.*

In other words, even while recognizing the right of an innocent wronged spouse to severe the common conjugal life over such a profound betrayal of the marriage vows to the point of giving the wronged spouse the right to separate when there is grave danger to the spouse or the children by staying, the Church nevertheless encourages the innocent spouse to forgive when it is possible and praises those who find it in their hearts to do so.

 

[WillyAL]

Other - “So none of my business.”

+1

 

[masondoggy]

Well, I was the person who stayed with a cheating spouse. I suspect that there were a lot of people scratching their heads when I didn’t file for divorce and didn’t like it. I even felt alienated by some probably because they didn’t want to be around my husband. There are still rifts that exist to this day.

As for how I see others who stay? Sometimes I think they’re being naive and making a dumb decision. Others I think are doing it for selfish reasons ie, financial, political etc. There have been a few times when someone close to me was cheated on and I counseled them to stay and try and make it work. I thought there was enough reason to believe that their spouse could straighten up. I think it all depends on the situation really. Even though I think my own situation was sort of a “success” story…we reconciled and went on to have a great relationship and put the bad times solidly behind us, I also think that my situation is the exception to the rule. “Once a cheater, always a cheater” has a lot of truth to it, imo. I think that staying with a cheater is a huge, huge risk that often does not end well. And in these days where STD’s are rampant, it’s often a risk that’s just not worth taking.

In general, I think one infidelity slip up should be given a chance for repentance and reconciliation. I KNOW it’s possible even though it’s hard and can take years to get past it. But repeat offenders? Um, no. I would tell any spouse in that situation to run for the hills and protect their health if they asked for my advice.

 

[SilverLight]

I picked other in this case. I may come to question the person a lot if they stay with someone who time and time again fails them and cheats with someone else. I would also be rather worried about them in general and perhaps their mental health also if I see worrying signs from them. I’m not trying to sound like a jerk here at all. I would talk to them about it and see if I can help them in some way. Keeping to what the religion says is great but there is a limit that it can be taken to and once that is reached it’s time to get out.

 

[ToeInTheWater]

Thanks for all the replies! I voted “other” because IMHO, rampant, unrepentant adultery actually IS a form of emotional abuse, and it often occurs in the context of a generally abusive marriage. But I made the poll to apply to adultery in general, and I do not think all acts of adultery equate to abuse.

Like, say, the Frank Gifford situation; AFAIK, a woman was actually paid by a tabloid to seduce him, and while I’m sure some Kathie Lee haters saw her decision to stay with him as just a selfish image protecting move, I don’t think it was. Especially as they stayed together long past the height of both their public careers. Indeed, they actually stayed together until his death, very rare for a celebrity couple these days. I certainly don’t see Kathie Lee as weak or selfish for that.

However, if the adultery is a form of abuse, I think that is a completely different story. While I certainly think it is possible for some abusive relationships to heal, I do not think anyone is obliged to stay in such a relationship.

Note that many otherwise conservative Christian sects DO interpret the Bible to allow for divorce for cases of infidelity. And while Catholics technically don’t, it seems many find repeated episodes of adultery to be good evidence that the straying spouse never intended to be faithful in the first place, and that therefore, the marriage is likely null.

I also understand that “separation with the bond remaining” is not always possible, because some jurisdictions no longer have a “legal separation” option for troubled marriages.

 

[Xantippe]

Thanks for all the replies! I voted “other” because IMHO, rampant, unrepentant adultery actually IS a form of emotional abuse, and it often occurs in the context of a generally abusive marriage. But I made the poll to apply to adultery in general, and I do not think all acts of adultery equate to abuse.

I think that’s a very good point–that continuing, unrepentant adultery can be a form of abuse. There’s an implied thread–if you don’t toe the line and do exactly what I want in every respect, I’m going to seek consolation in the arms of somebody else.

 

[savedbygrace71]

I didn’t read a single other reply, so this has probably already been said. My poll reply would be, “None of my darn business.”

 

[HollowGhost]

Interesting thread especially in light of the disgusting Ashley Madison scandal. I too have been the victim of this, found out almost exactly one year ago which is when I first found this forum. Many of you helped more than you will ever know. This past year has been the most difficult yet spiritually rewarding year of my life. I will tell you that in my case God has truly blessed me with a miracle. I have been given a Cross which I carry every single day, however, I have learned that until and unless you are given a Cross, your faith is infantile. I went from suicidal to feeling blessed in many ways and I now have a PhD level faith.

The day I found out was without a doubt the single worst day of my life. Since then however I have been blessed with a couple of the best days of my life. The good has out-weighed the bad. I will tell you that in my case my wife cried just as many tears as I did. There was never any doubt in my mind that she was indeed truly repentant. There was also never any doubt that we both wanted to stay married. Through much counselling (all faith based) both by myself and together we moved forward. Another life changing day was when my wife said she wanted to become Catholic. After 20+ years, that was a miracle as well. One of the greatest days of my life was placing my hand on her shoulder as her Confirmation sponsor. Another great day was her first reconciliation, she came out beaming with the forgiveness of Christ!

We also went to Marriage Encounter, all of which culminated in the renewing of our vows as part of a con-validation ceremony.

Was any of this easy? NO! I still struggle, get angry, etc. The secular society would not understand and I would argue many Christians would have taken the “easy” way out and left. I will tell you that the first day I called her every name in the book and by that night, I even kicked her out of the house (four children involved too). That lasted about ten minutes. After that brief time, I felt The Holy Spirit as well as the Will of God come over me stronger than I have ever felt and I did the unimaginable. Both of us, tears streaming, I placed my hands on her face and said “I forgive you.”

Satan wants to destroy marriages. My wife and I have placed complete faith in God’s Grace and have collectively decided that we will not allow that to happen. We have learned that there is marriage and there is the Sacrament of Marriage. Catholic teaching is truly AWESOME in this regard. We look at each other completely differently now. We treat each other better, are kinder toward each other, and look for ways to die of self for the other. Most importantly, we find time for each other as a priority and we never take each other for granted.

I hope my story inspires some of you to stay the course. God is a God of second chances and I have personally been the recipient of His Grace.

 

[masondoggy]

Interesting thread especially in light of the disgusting Ashley Madison scandal. I too have been the victim of this, found out almost exactly one year ago which is when I first found this forum. Many of you helped more than you will ever know. This past year has been the most difficult yet spiritually rewarding year of my life. I will tell you that in my case God has truly blessed me with a miracle. I have been given a Cross which I carry every single day, however, I have learned that until and unless you are given a Cross, your faith is infantile. I went from suicidal to feeling blessed in many ways and I now have a PhD level faith.

The day I found out was without a doubt the single worst day of my life. Since then however I have been blessed with a couple of the best days of my life. The good has out-weighed the bad. I will tell you that in my case my wife cried just as many tears as I did. There was never any doubt in my mind that she was indeed truly repentant. There was also never any doubt that we both wanted to stay married. Through much counselling (all faith based) both by myself and together we moved forward. Another life changing day was when my wife said she wanted to become Catholic. After 20+ years, that was a miracle as well. One of the greatest days of my life was placing my hand on her shoulder as her Confirmation sponsor. Another great day was her first reconciliation, she came out beaming with the forgiveness of Christ!

We also went to Marriage Encounter, all of which culminated in the renewing of our vows as part of a con-validation ceremony.

Was any of this easy? NO! I still struggle, get angry, etc. The secular society would not understand and I would argue many Christians would have taken the “easy” way out and left. I will tell you that the first day I called her every name in the book and by that night, I even kicked her out of the house (four children involved too). That lasted about ten minutes. After that brief time, I felt The Holy Spirit as well as the Will of God come over me stronger than I have ever felt and I did the unimaginable. Both of us, tears streaming, I placed my hands on her face and said “I forgive you.”

Satan wants to destroy marriages. My wife and I have placed complete faith in God’s Grace and have collectively decided that we will not allow that to happen. We have learned that there is marriage and there is the Sacrament of Marriage. Catholic teaching is truly AWESOME in this regard. We look at each other completely differently now. We treat each other better, are kinder toward each other, and look for ways to die of self for the other. Most importantly, we find time for each other as a priority and we never take each other for granted.

I hope my story inspires some of you to stay the course. God is a God of second chances and I have personally been the recipient of His Grace.

There’s so much of what you wrote that I can relate to so much. Glad things turned out good for you!

IME, the underlying feelings of anger lingered for years but did eventually go away. Healing takes so much time, it really does. But time does heal and here I am 16 years later and I don’t struggle anymore.

 

[HollowGhost]

The hardest part I have found is forgiving the 3rd party. I have taken that to confession, twice! While I have prayed for his soul, I am ashamed to admit that I still harbor feelings of wishing him ill to put it mildly. He was a personal although casual friend of mine and our children were friends. Forgiving him will take a lot longer but I pray that with God’s grace and the intercession of Our Blessed Mother, even that will occur in due time.

 

[masondoggy]

The hardest part I have found is forgiving the 3rd party. I have taken that to confession, twice! While I have prayed for his soul, I am ashamed to admit that I still harbor feelings of wishing him ill to put it mildly. He was a personal although casual friend of mine and our children were friends. Forgiving him will take a lot longer but I pray that with God’s grace and the intercession of Our Blessed Mother, even that will occur in due time.

I sent you a private message