How do you split up holidays among family/inlaws?

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How does your family split the holiday visits among your various family members? (For example, do you do Thanksgiving at one side of the family and Christmas at another? Or do you alternate between spending Christmas with husband’s side family and wife’s side of the family?)

Just looking for ideas. We have been married for a little over a year and still figuring out how to do it. So far, there are some unexpected hurt feelings because we decided to spend Christmas with my side that live about a day’s drive away. Because of the physical distance between my side and my husband’s side of the family, it is not possible to split Christmas Eve and Christmas Day between the two families–or if we do attempt to do it that way, it means we spend Christmas Day in the car. (We did it that way last year, but I don’t want to spend every Christmas driving.) My husband and I had agreed that alternating Christmases would be a reasonable compromise, but as mentioned, we are encountering some very hurt feelings over our not being here this Christmas Eve. Am I being unreasonable? Is there a better way to go about it?
 
EnglishTeacher said:
How does your family split the holiday visits among your various family members? (For example, do you do Thanksgiving at one side of the family and Christmas at another? Or do you alternate between spending Christmas with husband’s side family and wife’s side of the family?)
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I live very far away from my family, so it’s not an issue for us. I’ll share what my BIL/SIL do-- their two families are close enough to have the sort of conflict you talk about.
EnglishTeacher said:
Just looking for ideas.
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Thanksgiving: Family A – our family-- does THX on THX and Family B-- in law family-- does THX on the Sunday after THX.

Christmas - Year A- does Xmas with my husband’s family. Year B- does Xmas with the in-law family.
EnglishTeacher said:
Am I being unreasonable?
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No.
EnglishTeacher said:
Is there a better way to go about it?
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Set expectations early. And then stick to what YOU want to do. Someone will be disappointed no matter what.
 
EnglishTeacher said:
How does your family split the holiday visits among your various family members? (For example, do you do Thanksgiving at one side of the family and Christmas at another? Or do you alternate between spending Christmas with husband’s side family and wife’s side of the family?)

Just looking for ideas. We have been married for a little over a year and still figuring out how to do it. So far, there are some unexpected hurt feelings because we decided to spend Christmas with my side that live about a day’s drive away. Because of the physical distance between my side and my husband’s side of the family, it is not possible to split Christmas Eve and Christmas Day between the two families–or if we do attempt to do it that way, it means we spend Christmas Day in the car. (We did it that way last year, but I don’t want to spend every Christmas driving.) My husband and I had agreed that alternating Christmases would be a reasonable compromise, but as mentioned, we are encountering some very hurt feelings over our not being here this Christmas Eve. Am I being unreasonable? Is there a better way to go about it?
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We used to haul ourselves to the West Coast for Christmas, even occasionally visiting both sets of relatives. My family are not sticklers about actual holidays, it wasn’t a big deal that we spent Christmas Eve/Christmas with the in-laws. However, for quite a number of years now, we haven’t visited either set of far-away family for Christmas, as it’s much easier on us with kids to visit during the summer, when it’s nice to be outside. (I did manage a Thanksgiving visit with two kids a couple years back.)

I have had one set of family querying the fact that my in-laws got more days than they did during the summer, but as I’ve told my family, if anybody offers us a weekend of fun in Seattle–we’re going!

We used to do a lot more traveling to family and be a lot more precise about fairness, but I feel less and less concerned about that.

I think sometimes that when people pull the guilt trip, they think they’re being “loving.” In your shoes, I’d ask something like, “What do you think would be a fair way to split the holidays, mom?” See, if it’s fair, it shouldn’t matter which family gets which side of the deal, right?

Bottom line–don’t argue. If they don’t like it, tell them, “We’ll probably do it differently every year. We’re experimenting.”
 
My dh’s family is so scattered and live too far away to meet with them for any holiday. He hasn’t seen any of them for several years.

My family all live close enough to meet for a family Christmas party, which we do every year. Otherwise, each family decides who will go where. My brothers and sister have grown children so they either rotate whose house they visit when. My dh and I have no children, so it’s simpler for us.

Perhaps for those who live close enough a simple family gathering near whatever holiday the family wants to celebrate together might be the answer. It can be hard, especially when some people won’t compromise or make the holidays into a guilt trip, can’t it?
 
We spend Thanksgiving and sometimes Easter with my aunt and cousin and their families, since they’re close by. Our parents are too far away and it would be too expensive and stressful to fly out with a baby during the holidays. I only had one grandparent growing up and she would visit us over Christmas… I don’t believe my husband’s family visited anyone for holidays, as they were far away, too. From what my aunt tells me, her other children don’t tend to regularly visit for holidays, but she visits them all very frequently. Whatever works for you is what works. If you wanted to have a quiet Christmas by yourselves, that would be fine, too! Having everyone all together is great if everyone gets along, but you’re not obligated.
 
We also did Christmas Eve at one place (roughly an hour in one direction) and Christmas Day at another (roughly an hour in another direction). It was not festive. It was just plain exhausting.

We got iced in one year and couldn’t go anywhere except to Mass on Christmas Eve. That was marvelous. We do it every year now. We visit the relatives during Christmas week.

Consider alternating which family gets you for Thanksgiving and visiting both on a day they get all to themselves after Christmas, with a quiet Christmas going nowhere but to Mass and alone at home. It really is quite lovely.

The whole “hurt feelings” thing is something you’re going to have to look past. Otherwise, you’re going to be informed what you have to do and where you have to be for the rest of your married life in order to “keep the relatives happy.” If you can learn to do your best to choose what you think is best and let your relatives figure out on their own how to cope with that, you’ll be miles ahead. Give them time, yes, they ought to expect that, but don’t let them tell you they get to dictate what chunk of time you give them. Other than doing as you are told when they choose the dates and times for weddings and funerals, they don’t get to do that.
 
I’m rather lucky, I married a Canadian. They have Thanksgiving in Oct, so we do dinner with her family then.

I then have a month off to ‘recover’ and then US Thanksgiving with my family.

Christmas Day is just my wife, the kids and I. We will visit the rest of the family during the following days.
 
After I got married and had kids, my mom said to us, “don’t worry about rushing here for Christmas. (We lived 6 hours away and used to arrive on Christmas Eve during the day.) Your children should spend Christmas in their own home. You can come after.” So that’s what we did for years, as all our relatives lived near her. A couple of times, she flew in to our house for Christmas and we drove her home afterwards. My in laws never offered to come to our house, so they just had to wait…

When we did live nearby, we sometimes offered to host a holiday at our home and included both sides of the family.
 
DH loves doing Thanksgiving with his family and my family has a lot of Christmas Eve traditions so what we usually end up doing is Thanksgiving with DH’s side, Christmas with my side, and another December visit to DH’s side either early December or closer to New Years to coincide with his siblings coming in from out of town. We’re relatively close to both families so there’s no shortage of family time throughout the year. I imagine it would be harder if we lived far away and only got one or two visits per year.
 
I think it’s best to take each year as it comes and be very careful about setting expectations you can’t cope with. This year I am staying home as I can’t get any time off around the Christmas bank holidays and neither can my dad, I am visiting my parents for a long weekend a few weeks later when there will be a lot less traffic. I’m lucky to have reasonable parents who aren’t guilt tripping me over one day, some of my colleagues are horrified though.

I really feel sorry for people who are trapped in rigid equal Christmas arrangements or are otherwise stuck travelling every year when they don’t want to. It’s so easy to fall into that trap, my in laws always host, my husband has family members who haven’t had Christmas in their own home in decades and I think they are a bit put out but I think its important to set this boundary.
 
Della said:
My dh’s family is so scattered and live too far away to meet with them for any holiday. He hasn’t seen any of them for several years.

My family all live close enough to meet for a family Christmas party, which we do every year. Otherwise, each family decides who will go where. My brothers and sister have grown children so they either rotate whose house they visit when. My dh and I have no children, so it’s simpler for us.

Perhaps for those who live close enough a simple family gathering near whatever holiday the family wants to celebrate together might be the answer. It can be hard, especially when some people won’t compromise or make the holidays into a guilt trip, can’t it?
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Hi Della,

I was especially thinking of the last part of your post…

I remember all of the guilt that my sister was feeling when she got married and was trying to figure out what to do regarding where/how to spend the holidays, because her new in-laws lived in another state.

My Mom wasn’t very happy with having to accommodate anyone else’s plan/s.

My sister/husband finally worked out a system where they would end up driving early from his family’s, coming back from already visiting them out-of-state for Christmas Eve.

They would be early enough on Christmas Day so that they could be at my Mom’s for part of it.

Like Xantippe said, they would be spending part of their holiday time on the road. I actually felt bad for them because his family didn’t live that close, so they had to drive a couple of hours to get there/back each way.

When I got married, it was a matter of spending the holidays with my other family members who asked us to spend it with them, from my Dad’s side of the family.

My parents were divorced and my Dad was remarried, so sometimes we would spend the holidays with him and/or my paternal Grandparents.

(My husband’s Mom and Step-Dad had been living far away from us, so we usually spent the holidays with either side of my family).

When I would make holiday plans to spend it with my Dad’s side of the family, that never went over well with my Mom and some of my Mom’s family, because it was like, “Why can’t they ask you to come over any other time?”

My response: “We always have Christmas/name of holiday together, with Mom/this side of the family. It would be nice to spend it with Dad this year.”
 
Brendan;14300508**:
I’m rather lucky, I married a Canadian. They have Thanksgiving in Oct, so we do dinner with her family then.
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I then have a month off to ‘recover’ and then US Thanksgiving with my family.

Christmas Day is just my wife, the kids and I. We will visit the rest of the family during the following days.

Yay!
 
I suspect it really depends on the family structure.

For example, my wife is an only child where as I have 4 other siblings. Early in our marriage, when more of our families lived close, either her dad would come visit and then we’d go meet my family in the afternoon or on several occasions both sides would come to our house. It would really just depend. Her dad also came to my mom’s house for Thanksgiving on numerous occasions. We have 7 kids so we tend to become the default meeting place and we have flown my mom in rather than trying to get 15 of us out to Wisconsin. As my siblings and their children have dispersed across the country, they have a standing invitation to join us for the holidays.

In general I think you will find it changes over time. Early on there is more of an expectation that you “belong” to your family of origin. As you family grows and the dynamic changes there is greater acceptance of where you might spend time each holiday.

As stated in an earlier post it is best to set expectations early. If your familes are significant distance away you should also feel free to say that you are celebrating at home and will not be joining either family. There comes a time when you need to look at the impact to your new immediate family unit and do what is best for you even if it means disappointing your extended family. It does you no good to run from place to place if it simply leaves you exhausted.
 
My husband and I alternate holidays with our families. So for example, the first year we were married we did Easter with mine, Thanksgiving with his, then Christmas with mine. Then the following year we did Easter with his, Thanksgiving with mine, and Christmas with his. This way, each family sees us every other year for a specific holiday. Except for Christmas we do not generally worry about seeing the other family on another day (for example, if we’re with his family on Thanksgiving we don’t see mine the next day).

For the most part, this has worked well because it cuts down on having to decide where to go- “Well, we did Christmas last year with your family, so this year it’s my turn” is more like how it goes. Sometimes, though, something comes up- like if one of our families will be away for a holiday, that messes up the order and we have to figure out whether that means that family gets “skipped” or we start over. We’ve had a few arguments over it but overall it works well.

Extended families just have to adjust. If their feelings are hurt, they will need to get used to the idea that you are now married and things are different. I think your plan of alternating Christmases sounds very sensible, especially considering the distance.
 
I am one of five children. We asked our parents whether they preferred us all being together for one holiday and not the other OR having some at each holiday each year. They chose the former, because they’d rather have all of together at least once a year. So, in even-numbered years, we spend Thanksgiving with DH’s side and Christmas with my side; and vice versa for odd-numbered years. My siblings do the same thing.

I have some cousins always spend Thanksgiving with one family and Christmas at the other, and this is due to travel issues, as I understand it.

It was very hard for me to miss holidays with my parents, but after almost 20 years, I’ve gotten used to it. One of my sisters has her inlaws in the same town as my parents, so they usually drop by my parents’ house on the “off” holidays.
 
They’re always welcome…sometimes they visit, sometimes they don’t.

I leave the decision up to them, instead of driving myself crazy.
 
This is my thirteenth holiday season as a married woman. My family lives five hours away; my husband’s parents live 2.5 hours away, and his brother 8 hours.

We are both oldest children, and we established early on – with both of our families – that being married means we are a family. Our holiday decisions are based first on our family unit, which is our primary familial responsibility, even if it’s only made up of two people.

We are on a three-year cycle. One year we do Thanksgiving with my family and Christmas with his; the next year we do Thanksgiving with my family and Christmas with mine; the third year we stay home for both. This schedule is fluid. We’ll sometimes switch which family gets which holiday when one side wants the change and the other one doesn’t just “agree,” but is happy about it.

We added that third year for three reasons:
  1. I’m a musician, and the holidays are a very busy time of year. Often the travelling means I have to turn down work. On the other hand, the work plus the travelling often brings me to a meltdown. Every third year I get a break from that.
  2. We like quiet, and family holidays are a *lot *of not-quiet. For example, a recent holiday at my mom’s small split-level house meant seven adults, a large-breed dog, and one very small child were living there for five days… there is one shower… Three more adults and three more small children were in and out visiting. (Thankfully my family lets me disappear with a book when I need to!)
  3. We like our home, and we like to enjoy it at the holidays. I like to cook holiday food, which I can’t really do when travelling because of the distances. We like to put up a real Christmas tree – we don’t spend that money when we’re not going to be around for Christmas. We like to go to our own churches, which we’re investing in all the rest of the year. We like to spend less time in the car.
It recently came out that someone in my husband’s family resents the third year, but we believe our schedule is perfectly reasonable and my husband has lovingly explained that he’s not budging. I love him.

I hope you and your husband are able to find a solution that works for your new family and your extended families. 🙂
 
Because my husband’s family is in Wisconsin, and because he’s the choir director for our parish, its impossible for us to spend Christmas Eve or Day with his family. What we generally do is plan to go up there for a couple days during the break between Christmas and New Years. Then we can have a Christmas celebration with his family. It works out well for his sisters’ families too, because they don’t have to fight it out with their inlaws. It’s important to get together with the family, but it doesn’t have to be on the day itself. I grew up with divorced parents and I learned that a long time ago.
 
Good suggestions, everyone; thanks. I think we will just let everyone know that we will plan to alternate Christmases, but that there may be years when that doesn’t work. Hopefully everyone will get used to the idea and be understanding of the fact that we have two sets of family now and can’t be everywhere at once. I have also suggested doing the family Christmas celebration (husband’s side) on a different day this year, but that suggestion wasn’t received well. Oh well, I tried.
 
You will never make everyone happy, so you must do what’s best for your nuclear family. They will need to get over themselves, if you’re at least attempting to be accommodating and trying to see everyone. Especially when the kiddoes are little, it’s REALLY difficult to drive all over tarnation to see family. Maybe while they’re little, one set or the other can come to YOUR house for a holiday… if they are willing to pitch in and cook/clean, etc.

We have always alternated Christmas and Thanksgiving with our parents, but it was fluid depending upon sibling schedules, and where my parents were living at any given time 🙂

Now, my parents are 15 minutes away, and husband’s mother is 5 hours away.
 
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