How do you stop loving someone?

[yy1267]

My wife has been horrible to me lately, saying nasty stuff, saying that I have ruined her life (in that I married her, not that I have done something).

She also said that she doesn’t need sex so that’s it forever and if I don’t like it its tough.

I don’t think our marriage will last forever, she obviously wants to get away but stays because of the children but I know one day they will all be gone.

I want just a normal marriage, I am not asking for anything special.

I am at the end of my tether, what can I do?

 

[mamaslo]

is this sudden? is she depressed? are her hormones out of whack? will she see a counselor with you? will she go alone?

I wonder why she would say those things suddenly unless, you are just clueless as she tried to talk to you and somehow got miscommunicated what was really bothering her…

there are a myriad of things…I don’t envy your position. It could be like my situation…I explain, he doesn’t hear…now we are in trouble and he doesn’t know why…wait that sounds very similar.

Not being mean, but it does sound a lot like my situation. Unless you are abusive or she is…the grass isn’t greener on the other side. we have to reconsider what we have done wrong and try to fix it. Maybe you can get counselling on how to get her to talk in such a way you will understand what her needs are?

 

[Catholic1954]

Look into Marriage Encounter and ask if she would be willing to go. If you can start communicating again, maybe you can find out what went wrong and fix it.

 

[yy1267]

is this sudden?

No.

is she depressed?

No.

are her hormones out of whack?

No.

will she see a counselor with you?

No.

will she go alone?

No.

you are just clueless as she tried to talk to you and somehow got miscommunicated what was really bothering her…

Clueless? Thanks fot that (!)

My wife doesn’t communicate like that and she has never tried talking about our marriage like that.

Unless you are abusive or she is

No, neither!

Maybe you can get counselling on how to get her to talk in such a way you will understand what her needs are?

She won’t go to counselling.

I feel that since the children came along which is what she had wanted all her life that I became surplus to requirements and no she has no depression since they were born as they are what makes her happy and no I am not a bad father either.

It’s not always the husbands fault you know.

I am not perfect but neither is she yet it is always me who has to fix things and I see that in your reply too.

 

[aicirt]

My wife has been horrible to me lately, saying nasty stuff, saying that I have ruined her life (in that I married her, not that I have done something).

She also said that she doesn’t need sex so that’s it forever and if I don’t like it its tough.

I don’t think our marriage will last forever, she obviously wants to get away but stays because of the children but I know one day they will all be gone.

I want just a normal marriage, I am not asking for anything special.

I am at the end of my tether, what can I do?

You married her…did she have to say “yes”? How long have you been married and how long has she been acting this way? Any physical aliments? Does she want to go back to work?

 

[yy1267]

You married her…did she have to say “yes”?

Do you mean like an arranged marriage?

No, she had a choice and wanted to marry me at the time as much as I wanted to marry her.

How long have you been married and how long has she been acting this way?

Married just over five years.

I posted on here in January when it had started to get bad.

Any physical aliments? Does she want to go back to work?

She has no physical, psychological or mental ailments.

She is back at work part time.

 

[EasterJoy]

You can’t make her go to counselling, but you can find counselling for yourself. What we can offer is far short of the kind of problem-assessment, skill-building, personal decision-making and strategizing that would benefit you the most.

Go to your pastor and ask him if this is in his pastoral ballpark, and if not, ask how to find a counsellor to get you through this. Do touch base with your pastor from time to time, though. This problem is not just a marital trial for you, but a spiritual one. This is a time to keep close to God.

 

[hurting]

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

Clueless? Thanks fot that (!)

My wife doesn’t communicate like that and she has never tried talking about our marriage like that.

No, neither!

She won’t go to counselling.

I feel that since the children came along which is what she had wanted all her life that I became surplus to requirements and no she has no depression since they were born as they are what makes her happy and no I am not a bad father either.

It’s not always the husbands fault you know.

I am not perfect but neither is she yet it is always me who has to fix things and I see that in your reply too.

I wish I had more concrete advice to give, but this describes exactly how I felt. Sadly I now find myself civilly divorced and all of our lives in upheaval. Will pray.

 

[JohnAlexander]

Far too many people say “I do” but they don’t. Unfortunately you already have a “normal” marriage if by normal you mean common. Most people just get divorced.

Is your wife catholic? Does she believe her faith? It seems like the part of marriage where the wife is supposed to be submissive to her husband is lacking.

What is left is you have to love your wife as Christ loved the Church. He died for the Church. The early church abandoned him when he needed them most. He did not leave them and start a new church.

It sucks. You have to die to self on a daily basis. No one will know. You will get no sympathy from anyone. Most likely you will be abused further. Sympathy will be with your wife.

Nobody needs sex. When you love someone you want to share yourself with them. You want to connect with them. Sex joins two people together in a way we don’t fully understand. At the same time that sex is a sign of union it also causes union. The more you love your spouse the more you will want to love your spouse.

Annulment.

There is always a possibility that your wife never intended to marry you. She was just looking for a father for her children and someone to financially support her. She had no intention of giving herself to you, etc. You would have to see your parish priest to investigate the annulment process.

Perhaps this is what your marriage needs to get your wife to wake up.

Just know that a divorce will be a horrible experience if you have a living soul. It will rip your soul to shreds. It will probably leave your children broken as well.

 

[mamaslo]

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

Clueless? Thanks fot that (!)

My wife doesn’t communicate like that and she has never tried talking about our marriage like that.

No, neither!

She won’t go to counselling.

I feel that since the children came along which is what she had wanted all her life that I became surplus to requirements and no she has no depression since they were born as they are what makes her happy and no I am not a bad father either.

It’s not always the husbands fault you know.

I am not perfect but neither is she yet it is always me who has to fix things and I see that in your reply too.

I am sorry, if you took that as mean. I wasn’t trying to be. I was just trying to get all the questions out of the way early.

Also, in my situation, there is a lack of communication because he would always shut down the conversation. That doesn’t mean that is what you are doing.

The advice on this forum, that I have seen is to get counselling even if she won’t. There may be things you are missing, but at the very least it gives you someone to talk to. That could help you figure out how to fix what you can fix and figure out what to do with what you cannot fix.

So I am sorry if I upset you.

If you can fix something, then that is a good thing, right? It’s one less thing she can be hurt over or lay claims on as the problem or issue. It helps your soul regardless. I didn’t say to let her walk on you…just figure out what you CAN fix. No one is perfect.

If all you want to do is vent, that is ok too.

 

[aicirt]

Do you mean like an arranged marriage?

No, she had a choice and wanted to marry me at the time as much as I wanted to marry her.
Married just over five years.
I posted on here in January when it had started to get bad.
She has no physical, psychological or mental ailments.

She is back at work part time.

Actually I meant it was her decision to say “yes” so why is she putting it on you. She needs to take responsiblity for her decision. She could have said “no.”

This has been going on for five months at least, married five years, a child or two, no sex, probably lots of arguments, unhappy, probably hate to come home.

Yes, get yourself to your priest, to a counselor, and to a lawyer. You need to know your rights. She does not need to know about the lawyer. You have the right and obligation to protect yourself.

 

[styrgwillidar]

How do you know she’s not depressed? You indicate she hasn’t been to counselor, a therapist, a psychiatrist. She may very well be depressed, many depressives don’t appear to be and don’t even suspect they are depressed.

How do you stop loving someone? In my world/mental view you don’t. Love is a choice under your control, it’s why you can take a vow to love someone, it’s why Christ said to love even our enemies. Love is an action we take, a decision we make. As a priest said though, Christ commanded us to love people, he didn’t say we had to like them.

My now legally ex-wife believed love is a feeling. Something beyond her control. Unfortunately, depression isn’t sadness— it’s a lack of feeling. In that paradigm you stop loving someone by losing feelings, depression being a cause. Problem is, if you can lose that feeling for a spouse, if love and feelings are beyond your control, than you can just as easily lose that feeling or connection with your children, or your parents.

You assume your wife may stick around for the children. She is just as likely in today’s world to want to get away from them, even more so than you. She may not want to admit that to herself. She may in fact be turning you/your relationship into the excuse she needs to leave the marriage or force you to make that decision. I don’t know her/you well enough to know if she’ll also be driven to distance herself from her kids. Lot’s of men in my position-- I have my children living with me full time. All driven by choices she made, not me. I didn’t have to fight for my children, simply allowed (ETA: while advising against) her to follow the course of action she chose whose logical and obvious outcome would be the situation as it stands now.

What you can do? Pray, read up on depression-- good place to start www.depressionfallout.org and the book “Depression Fallout”. See if your wife’s words/actions match, keep listening to your wife, keeep talking, try and find activities you can do together, encourage her to consider going to counseling/marriage encounter/retrovaille. Plan a strategy to have full custody of your kids if you end up getting separated/divorced.

 

[cradlecatholic5]

A little charity is needed here.

Marriage Encounter isn’t where you would start, it’s Retrouvaille (for troubled marriages).

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’m the wife of a recovering addict and we had many, many issues. With lots of prayer, hard work and getting the tools and applying them on how to communicate, we’re still together, God willing. And most of the time, it’s good. We have our ups & downs, but the ups outweigh the downs.

Prayers to you & your wife.

 

[tuscany]

**
Besides talking to your priest and following his advice, I am speechless that she won’t even try different avenues to make this marriage work for you both.
I would like to say that I am really sorry you are having to go through this and I will keep you in my prayers. **

 

[cradlecatholic5]

Annulment.

not always

 

[losh14]

This is a tight spot, I don’t envy you that. And it seems you’re the one willing to do something at this point, so if you want this to get better, it’s all on you. That’s good and bad - it at least means you can control the next moves.

I went back and re-read your post from January. I won’t ask for further details - you’ve been very open and I’m not a counselor. I do think you could benefit from talking with one, if for no other reason than to have someone to vent to and to get an outside perspective.

In the meantime, think of the thing that provokes the warmest response from her - does she like to talk about her day, the kids, her friends, her mother, a sports team? Does she like a certain show, a movie, a video game? A restaurant, a type of cooking? Start there and start light. The order, you’ve probably noticed, is communication → interaction → mutual good feelings → deeper talk → intimacy → physical. I agree with the above poster that communication has to be the start.

If it does help, I’ll note that sex declines in pretty much every marriage after the kids arrive, for some more than others. My wife and I went 8 months at one point, so a season without sex is not unusual. Any time without intimacy (even emotional intimacy) is dangerous, signaling something really drastically wrong that needs to be remedied.

I’ll keep you and your family in my prayers tonight, brother.

 

[NFP1Kate]

Hmmm, I don’t want to speculate too much, but…is it possible that she is cheating, or emotionally cheating even?

I don’t know many women to just snap like that, but she is clearly trying to be loyal to someone.

In addition to that, well, especially if that is the case, pray. She may not be willing to go to counseling because she isn’t ready to tell you something that is deeply bothering her. I would like to suggest that you pray to the Sacred Heart of Christ. Do the 9 month novena, go to Mass on the First Friday of every month for 9 months. Christ promises to grant us all that we need in our state of life and bring peace to our families. I really think you should trust that and do it no matter what her case might be.

God bless