How do you "submit to your husband"?

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1ke said:
Wives submit to your husbands as to the Lord. Husband, love your wives AS Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her.

In otherwords, we are to follow our husband when they are leading as Christ led-- servant leadership. My husband would never lead me into physical or financial peril because he cherishes me.

Yes, we wives are to defer to our husbands’ spiritual leadership (IF THEY ARE LEADING SPIRITUALLY), but not be doormats for every whim.
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There is no “if” in the passage you mentioned. The “if” is one you put there. Titus 2:5 states, “train younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self controlled, chaste, good homemakers, under the control of their husbands, so that the word of God may not be discredited.” Wives are to submit to their husbands in all things.

Its not easy. You have to let your husband make his own mistakes. My husband and I married young, and I spent a lot of time worrying about our financial situation and nagging my husband about what he should do to fix it. Finally, I gave up. I handed him the checkbook and said it was his responsibility. At first things went badly. I would offer my ideas, and he would disregard them and go on to do what he thought was best, and then at the end it would become clear that he should have listened to me, but I never said, I told you so! The situation repeated itself time and time again, until now it seems he has come to realize that I have some pretty good ideas and now he actively seeks my advice.

The only time I would not submit myself to my husband is when he tries to lead me into something immoral, which, in our case, usually involves marital relations. :rolleyes:
 
Well, to clarify… My husband’s brother was getting out of prision about 7 weeks before our wedding. He was a sex offender, so getting a place approved for his release was quite an ordeal. He needed to find one that was permanent. Not just for 7 weeks. My husband wanted him to live with us for at least a year, if not more (his parole was 3 years long). My husband is one of 14 children, so there were a few other options (although he couldn’t live with any of them that had children in the home). My husband’s reasoning for wanting to help was most definitely the love of a brother. He wanted to help him get on his feet. I totally understood that, and it made saying no very anxiety-provoking for me because I knew that this was something he really wanted. But having his brother live with us would have came with a lot of things- we would be restricted as far as having any of the nieces or nephews over to our house and as I said, marital relations would be very uncomfortable for me with a brother in the house, and yes- he would be there every night because he had a curfew imposed on him. He would have need us to become “escorts” and any public place he wanted to go he needed and escort to go with him. I did tell my husband that if this was what he wanted to do, that we should postpone our wedding.

I explained to my husband that I feel that the first year or two should be kept as private as possible to give us a chance to concentrate on our new marriage. I would give that advice to anyone. We’ve since had a troubled nephew live with us for a short amount of time (he moved on because he didn’t like our rules). That was something he wanted to do, even though I’ve got my hands full with our two children. But I feel much different about having others under our roof now that we’ve been married over 3 years.
 
I wonder why we accept heads of offices or companies…but not in our families. We trust a stranger with our 401k’s and futures…but not our husbands with the household? I mean…at my place of employement, there is ONE CEO of the company…not several. Yeah, there are other managers, who manage their corner of the world…but the company has one ‘head.’ Kinda makes ya scratch your head, doesn’t it?http://bestsmileys.com/clueless/1.gif

I like the poster who said that we are a partnership of equals, but one is still seen as the ‘head’ of the household. I think that being submissive means that we don’t try to compete with our spouses…rather we try to appreciate and respect one another.
 
Just wanted to ask the OP if she had a copy of Good News About Sex and Marriage by Christopher West? This is to give a bit of feedback on the submissive thing… I don’t have the book on me now, but there is a part in that book where he talks about that and the misinterpretation of the verse of the Bible. If you don’t have it, does anyone have a copy of the book in English handy? I have it in Spanish and it’s at home, so I cannot really explain what it says. Just to say a little about it… it says that it’s more geared to the men than to the women, and it doesn’t mean to be “submissive” in a sense of obeying the husband. West explains that it’s about submitting to each other’s love just as Christ did for his wife, the Church.

Men take this verse from the book of Ephesians so out of context, that they use it against their wives! My DH tried using it on me before we married, 2 wks ago, and this week, when I finally got the book, I showed it to him.

If your DH is as spiritual as you say, he should accept the explanation West gives on his book.

“Getting your way” doesn’t mean he’s not the spiritual leader of the house, and “getting your way” doesn’t mean you’re not submissive. You are thinking with a clear mind, and think things through so the two of you can have a good married life. If you had had your BIL move in after he got out of prison would’ve been really bad. Not because of the prison thing, but because you were about to be married. I went through this exact thing w/DH 3 wks before we got married, he wanted to bring his sister to live w/us. In Spanish there is a saying that says it’s called married because it’s a home for 2. In Spanish married is casados. Casa means home, dos means 2. House of/for two, not for 3, 4 5… house for the married not the just married and the extended family.

On another note… I will pray for you and all the other women here (including myself) whose husbands take the submissive wife thing out of context. They are a bit misguided…
 
It is right to say that a husband should never use the verse from Ephesians against their wives. Men have long used this verse to opress their wives, and the Church has rightly responded by exhorting husbands to love their wives with a Christ-like love. However, this does not abrograte the wife’s responsiblity to obey her husband.

From the Magisterium (Pope Leo XIII On Christian Marriage):
  1. Secondly, the mutual duties of husband and wife have been defined, and their several rights accurately established. They are bound, namely, to have such feelings for one another as to cherish always very great mutual love, to be ever faithful to their marriage vow, and to give one another an unfailing and unselfish help. The husband is the chief of the family and the head of the wife. The woman, because she is flesh of his flesh, and bone of his bone, must be subject to her husband and obey him; not, indeed, as a servant, but as a companion, so that her obedience shall be wanting in neither honor nor dignity. Since the husband represents Christ, and since the wife represents the Church, let there always be, both in him who commands and in her who obeys, a heaven-born love guiding both in their respective duties. For “the husband is the head of the wife; as Christ is the head of the Church. . . Therefore, as the Church is subject to Christ, so also let wives be to their husbands in all things.”[18]
This is what the Church teaches. I am not my husband’s servant. I make my feelings known and I refuse to do anything immoral and then I defer to my husband in all things.
 
FLCathMom said:
It is right to say that a husband should never use the verse from Ephesians against their wives. Men have long used this verse to opress their wives, and the Church has rightly responded by exhorting husbands to love their wives with a Christ-like love. However, this does not abrograte the wife’s responsiblity to obey her husband.

From the Magisterium (Pope Leo XIII On Christian Marriage):
  1. Secondly, the mutual duties of husband and wife have been defined, and their several rights accurately established. They are bound, namely, to have such feelings for one another as to cherish always very great mutual love, to be ever faithful to their marriage vow, and to give one another an unfailing and unselfish help. The husband is the chief of the family and the head of the wife. The woman, because she is flesh of his flesh, and bone of his bone, must be subject to her husband and obey him; not, indeed, as a servant, but as a companion, so that her obedience shall be wanting in neither honor nor dignity. Since the husband represents Christ, and since the wife represents the Church, let there always be, both in him who commands and in her who obeys, a heaven-born love guiding both in their respective duties. For “the husband is the head of the wife; as Christ is the head of the Church. . . Therefore, as the Church is subject to Christ, so also let wives be to their husbands in all things.”[18]
This is what the Church teaches. I am not my husband’s servant. I make my feelings known and I refuse to do anything immoral and then I defer to my husband in all things.
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Since the CC says this, well, I guess I’m going to be seen and counted as a liberal since I do not believe I have to obey DH… and will not “obey” him since we’re both equal in our home… I will respect him, love him and honor him but not “obey” him.
 
yessisan said:
Since the CC says this, well, I guess I’m going to be seen and counted as a liberal since I do not believe I have to obey DH… and will not “obey” him since we’re both equal in our home… I will respect him, love him and honor him but not “obey” him.
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I understand completely. I used to feel the same way. Then I began praying the Rosary daily and Jesus has changed my heart through the Blessed Mother. I also pray to St. Monica, patron saint of wives and mothers- she was the mother of St. Augustine. My Confessor told me to pray to them for help in my marriage.
 
Since the husband represents Christ, and since the wife represents the Church, let there always be, both in him who commands and in her who obeys, a heaven-born love guiding both in their respective duties. For “the husband is the head of the wife; as Christ is the head of the Church. . . Therefore, as the Church is subject to Christ, so also let wives be to their husbands in all things.”
Well, when I really think about these words, I think that the part to focus on is that since husband and wife REPRESENT Christ and the Church, there should be a heaven-born love guiding them. If the man leads and the wife follows, then the man has more responsibility and needs to be very sensitive to whether or not he is leading her out of HEAVEN-BORN LOVE or SELFISHNESS. When the man leads with selfishness, things can become very disordered. And if he is leading out of love, I think a woman would naturally be inclined to follow.

The word “obey” is an idealistic notion, in my opinion. If a husband is leading out of pure love, obeying might not be so bad. But if he’s using his leading position out of context, “obeying” would not be good.
 
yessisan said:
Since the CC says this, well, I guess I’m going to be seen and counted as a liberal since I do not believe I have to obey DH… and will not “obey” him since we’re both equal in our home… I will respect him, love him and honor him but not “obey” him.
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I agree. men and women are equal in dignity and worth, which means neither one should be more submissive than the other, and neither one should be more superior than the other. There cannot be a higher and a lower person when they are one flesh. There is a reason Eve was made from a rib, from Adam’s SIDE, not a bone from his foot (nor from his head).

Also, as far as I know, the word “obey” is not in the marriage vows.
 
Fidelia said:
I agree. men and women are equal in dignity and worth, which means neither one should be more submissive than the other, and neither one should be more superior than the other. There cannot be a higher and a lower person when they are one flesh. There is a reason Eve was made from a rib, from Adam’s SIDE, not a bone from his foot (nor from his head).

Also, as far as I know, the word “obey” is not in the marriage vows.
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Great answer!! We’re equal… I really don’t know what’s the big deal w/that verse… but, hey, if I’m going to be considered liberal, well, I can’t argue that, right?
 
Remember what Jesus says in Mark 9:35, he says " If anyone wishes to be first, he shall be the last of all and the servant of all." Our purpose in life and in marriage as Christians is to get to heaven and to try to bring others with us. We are to try to conform ourselves to the image of Christ each of us in our own circumstances. The Scriptures then go out and explain how we are to “be servants” in our circumstances- how a husband is to be a servant to his wife, how a wife is to be a servant to her husband, how children are to be servants to their parents, how we are to obey all authority and so on. We can bring others closer to Christ by being imitators of Christ and by praying for them. If we want our husbands to be more Christ-like, we have to “put on Christ” ourselves. Its no good telling someone else how to behave like a Christian when you refuse to take it on yourself. Jesus says in Matthew 7:1, " Why do you notice the splinter in your brother’s eye, but do not perceive the wooden beam in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove that splinter from your eye,’ while the wooden beam is in your eye?" Your husband is your brother in Christ. I said in an earlier post that I am not my husbands servant, and I am not: in the sense of being a hired hand subject to his every whim; but I am called to serve my husband as I am called to serve everyone out of love for Christ. Its not about who is more important. We are all equal in Christ.
 
kittery said:
The word “obey” is an idealistic notion, in my opinion. If a husband is leading out of pure love, obeying might not be so bad. But if he’s using his leading position out of context, “obeying” would not be good.
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Yes things must be taken into context. You do want to make sure what you are obeying is for the good. At the same time, the one who should obey, can also sabotage efforts. You might have to ask yourself if you are being a good follower. That too I’m sure you could say “following” is an idealistic notion.

One thing I remember from when I first took a supervisory role at work, I was way too demanding, and it just caused too many problems. The next time, remember that, I was way too soft. Eventually I think I found my way to do a decent job at it. There can be a lot of misconceptions a person has when they first get into that position. One thing I learned is you really need to understand the people you lead and their needs, you need to understand the environment in which sets the context, and also you need to understand yourself.

The best way to approach things, is to quit trying to compete. He will make mistakes and so will you. He will have misconceptions about his role, and so will you. You need to support each other. You need to understand he does need time to understand the role as leader. If he is completely off base, then yes, you have a right to say no, no more of that. He probably needs some cueing, and is probably trying to do the best he can. Unfortunatly when your anxious, your very likely to psych yourself out, and fail when you should have. He also needs to understand your position. Your not perfect either. When your anxious, things can also fall apart.

If anything probably need to get together and try to get on the same page with each other; hold eachother to your vision, but be a bit more gentle when their are slip ups, given the person who slips up still desires to correct the mistake.
 
Be subordinate to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives should be subordinate to their husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is head of his wife just as Christ is head of the church, he himself the savior of the body. As the church is subordinate to Christ, so wives should be subordinateto their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church and handed himself over for her to sanctify her, cleansing her by the bath of water with the word, that he might present to himself the church in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. So (also) husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
For no one hates his own flesh but rather nourishes and cherishes it, even as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “For this reason a man shall leave (his) father and (his) mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”
This is a great mystery, but I speak in reference to Christ and the church. In any case, each one of you should love his wife as himself, and the wife should respect her husband.
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I am a recovering rebel. I thrive on being contrary and a control freak (just ask DH). However, this quote from Ephesians has helped me on my journey to holiness. The marital relationship is one of the most beautiful gifts that God has given us. Unfortunately, our society has bought into the lie that obedience and service are bad things.

When you break apart the word “submission,” you have “sub-” and “mission.” Part of the etymology of “sub-” is “close to.” The final definition of “mission” is “vocation, calling.” But my favorite one is this: “a specific task with which a person or a group is charged.” (This info I obtained from Merriam Webster online.)

All submission means is that we, as wives, are cooperating with our husbands’ vocations. IMHO they have a much harder job than we do. Their calling is to keep us holy and without blemish so that we can get to Heaven.:heaven: All we are to do is to follow their guidance (i.e. obey) and serve them. This is no different from what our Church expects of all of us.

Now, all of that is obviously a (very lofty) goal. When it comes to real life for DH and myself, there are more arguments than I would like. I am still learning that I don’t always have to share the last word with my DH. Sometimes (and I don’t do this enough) I let God have my last word(s). :crossrc:

In a nutshell, I am learning that service and obedience are not bad things. God expects it from us. We expect it of our children. What is wrong with lovingly offering service and obedience to our DH’s? Granted I am still working on the “lovingly offering” part…:whistle:
 
My marriage is very stable we love each other and respect each other we arrange things by who does them best not who should stereotypically be expected to do them - I am far far better at organising than he is so I deal with the finances and I arrange holidays etc. I am also OCD and because of this I have to clean (not that he minds!) but he cooks, he also deals with the cars and getting engineers or handymen when something breaks. We both work long hours he is a (training) doctor and I am an accountant so we make the most of our time together and make sure that we cuddle up and watch tv or rent a movie - we both have similar tastes but i must confess if he wants to watch some thing gory or actionbased i generally get my own way. I think that I submit to my husband by sharing my thoughts with him and by discussing decisions with him - where we move / what i buy / what he buys / views on children etc etc.

We discussed our views on important issues prior to marriage such as children, finances, career choices, where to live, whose career took precident in big moves.

Marriage is a partnership and the idea of submit is two fold first in submitting to your husband and second in him submitting to Jesue -if you are aware of the church in your day to day live submitting really shouldnt be such a big issue because all it means is living your life with god it has nothing to do with whether to serve pork if your husband says so and more to do with living your life with good values. Because whilst some people may say you have to submit to your husband’ they often miss out that he has to submit to the church and if he does his job correctly yours SHOULD be a doddle!
 
A marriage in which husband and wife mutually submit to each other is a wonderful thing, and God’s plan for marriage, however, the question is what to do when one’s husband refuses to submit himself. On this, I think the Church is clear. We are not talking about what to serve for dinner, but major life decisions, on which the head of the household has the final say.

To the OP: I think it would be good if you would pray and ask God to speak to you through His priest, and then go to your priest and ask him what it means to “submit to your husband.”

Blessings,

FLCathMom
 
My husband and I have been married for 24 years. I guess I would have to say that our marriage has been one of “mutual submission”. We have always agreed on the big issues: faith in God, our values, commitment to each other, contraception, the raising of our son, finances, politics, planning for our future, etc. The other issues weren’t worth arguing about. When there is a major decision to be made, we always decide together. We trust each other completely, and each of us values the ideas and opinions of the other.
 
1ke said:
Wives submit to your husbands as to the Lord. Husband, love your wives AS Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her.

In otherwords, we are to follow our husband when they are leading as Christ led-- servant leadership. My husband would never lead me into physical or financial peril because he cherishes me.

Your three examples show a lack of maturity on the part of your husband. If he was truly loving you in a sacrificial way he would not have proposed ANY of those items-- ex-con brother moving in, him taking a pay cut while you are pregnant, or you living in an unsafe house.

Yes, we wives are to defer to our husbands’ spiritual leadership (IF THEY ARE LEADING SPIRITUALLY), but not be doormats for every whim.
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Brilliant post, and you and I don’t often agree. LOL 👍 God Bless, hope all is well with you.

OK momma, being the “leader” of the family, or “head of household” does not mean he has the RIGHT to put his family in danger or financial peril. As the quoted post says.

So instead of being repetitive I’ll give you my advice on how to handle the situation with your DH. It’s of my opinion by your post that your DH resists change unless it’s change that makes things easier on him: i.e. a lower paying albeit “easier” job. Moving or building is hard work, so he resists it. The thing that is bothersome is that he is acting VERY immature to play the “Head of Household” card in order to get HIS WAY. Another bothersome clue is that instead of viewing your (name removed by moderator)ut/opinion/ideas as a rational way to deal with family matters, he views YOU as getting YOUR WAY. So far your decisions have made a ton of sense and are mature decisions for the betterment of your marriage, your children and your finances.

So what to do about this? I wouldn’t suggest out loud that he’s being a child about the big things, but saying to him kindly “honey it’s not that I want MY way, I am just trying to do the best I can for ALL of us. I really think through my decisions and how they effect YOU and our kids, I am not doing any of this to hurt you or deny you, just to do the best for all of us. I am secondary to it all, I am just doing what I swore to do in our vows, and that’s love, honor and cherish you. If it seems I am not honoring you, please think about it, I AM honoring you by helping you choose to do the best you can for your family, as head of household. I know you are unhappy at work, but it’s JUST a job. Is there anything you would like to do outside of work to help you enjoy your time off, and a bit away from family? Bowling league maybe? We love to see you and be with you, but we know you need some time too.”

Then be the kind of wife he wants to come home to. Simple as that. But keep that foot down on the fly-by-the-seat-of-his-pants bad choices. Stay strong and rational, eventually he’ll grow up.

And tsk tsk your mother in law for spoiling him so! LOL 😃 HAHA God Bless mama, you are doing the right things. It’s ok he’s resentful, he’s just being a pouter, don’t take it personally. Love him anyway, and when he get’s mad put your arms around him and tell him you love him anyway - even if he is mad.
 
Said it before, and I’ll say it again…

The man is the “head” of the household.

The woman is the “neck”.

(As anyone knows the neck can make the head move in any direction it wants!)

I’ll willingly admit that you’re smarter than us (women - especially in family situations). Use your neck… just don’t stomp on the “head”… either the big or little one.
 
It is not who is right but what is right. Men have a ego that they are dealing with, and that is the downfall of man. The Catholic Father gave great advice to the lady. You are one, However finances burden the marriage strongly. May I add my postscript to those who have given you wisdom. You need to pray together more often, only God can change the heart of a man. And there is nothing more humbling to a man than a heart felt prayer of a womans heart offered vocally to a God who answers prayers. Do not pray to be heard of man but pray from you heart to a God that hears, and your husband may feel it and hear it also. God bless
 
I’m going to be a little lazy here and not read all of the posts. I’m not sure if any guys have weighed in, maybe getting a man’s take on the OP will help.

You’re not preventing your husband from living out God’s call to act as head of the household. Based on your description of things, he has failed on his own. Hopefully you are helping him to see where he needs to grow.

Taking in the wayward brother isn’t being the head of the house. It’s the opposite. A strong husband would have realized where his obligation lies…

The job? Where was his sacrifice for the family here?

Bottom line… he is called to lead, not according to his whims and weaknesses, but as Christ, and that means sacrifice. It’s a tall order for sure, but that’s the man you’re called to submitt to - not the weak, self-centered guy he sometimes can be…

I did read one reply that underscored the fact that husband and wife are one flesh. Needless to say that is true, but it would be a mistake to focus on that to the exclusion of realizing that husband and wife have complimentary roles to play.
 
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