How do you talk someone into moving to assisted living

[maryjk]

Mike;
The OP posted this question over 2 years ago.

I hope that by this time, he has found a way to take care of the situation.

 

[Demetra2]

We went through this with my recently deceased father-in-law. We talked about and visited assisted living facilities(with him) for a couple of years before he finally agreed to it. In our case his health had to deteriorate before he finally realized that he had no other choice. It was his desire to live with one of his kids but due to his health needs and his difficult personality that was not an option. It was also difficult to take his car away but that was important in making him understand that he needed more help and that he needed to move into the assisted living facility. Be ready because when you least expect it, the circumstances may change due to a fall, injury or illness and it will become obvious to the elderly person that it is time to move on.

 

[EasterJoy]

Right now, my mother-in-law has moderate stage Alzheimer’s. She lives in a small home we own with her dog and cat. She was never the warm and fuzzy Grandma. She still talks about getting a car (not going to happen,) moving, (also not going to happen, as we had to “rescue her” from another state) and how she needs to call her sister (who is dead) to find her an apartment. Now, she writes notes and tapes them up around the house asking where her bank is, where her wallet is, or other assorted things she wants/thinks she needs: a leash for the CAT (despite the fact that she refuses to put the dog on a leash or clean up after her dog. Yes, I know, it’s the disease. But it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. I know it is time for something else, but my husband is in denial. He thinks we can just do everything, but we can’t. There is no one but us around as far as family. I know he thinks she should live with us, and I know that some of you will think that too, but I just can not do that. Not everyone is cut out to do that, and I know that I am not. And neither are my children.

By moderate stage Alzheimer’s, I trust you mean that she has had a formal diagnosis and is under the care of a physician. When our mother’s dementia started to become more serious, I went to a talk given by a geriatric nurse who specializes in dementia in which she gave tips for caregivers and family members of people with dementia. Look for something like that–I cannot tell you how many pearls I picked up when it came to guiding Mom in a way that she would accept. It made a huge difference in being able to deal with her disease in a way that didn’t drive me into distraction, too. It also gave me an appreciation of how emotionally and mentally exhausting it is to care for a dementia patient. Some say it is like a 2-year-old in an adult’s body, but it is far worse than that, because of course the patient knows he or she IS an adult. As I said, it is well worth getting advice from people who do this for a living.

One of the things the nurse said is that it is usually best to keep the person in their own home as long as it is possible. Since your MIL did not care to move when she had her faculties together and she is still quite mobile, it is probably best that she does not move in with you now. Memory care facilities are physically designed to help dementia patients have the highest degree of function possible with the lowest degree of angst. Since she is not used to living with your children and they are not used to living with her, your home could be a worse environment for her than her own home is–and yes, the geriatric nurse said this can be true even when living alone poses a certain amount of danger. I’m not against having parents live with adult children, because we had my MIL living with us for many years, but I think you are wise to resist in your own case.

Your MIL’s physician cannot share her information with you without her consent, but you can share all of the information about her with him or her that you want, and you can get advice from him or her. By all means, if your MIL will tolerate it at all, you or your husband ought to accompany her on visits to her doctor. If her doctor is not well-acquainted with dementia patients, find a doctor who is. They can be of great help in documenting the physical need to be removed from an unsafe living situation.