How does a man abandon his wife to help his children?

[eucharisteo]

In light of recent developments in my life, sometimes this seems to be the only option. My wife won’t allow me to leave my job to go back to school while taking care of the children during the day time, but by doing so I am in a situation where I have no available leave time to stay home when the children are sick. So I have to take leave, about a day every week so far. Now I’m on the verge of going into the red. I look like an idiot at work and come across to my knuckleheaded worldly superviosors as not being a “team player”. Further the larger agenda is to get a lot of project completed in less time. But this constantly taking off stalls the process thus potentially making the higher ups even more angry. This in turn reduces my chances for advancement, which I desperately need already. By returning to school I can get a graduate level degree in engineering and actually finally get licensed to practice, even though I already do the same work 9 years now. This is the only way I’ll get licensed now. I can’t teach either, because that’s what my wife does and she’s already of of leave time and the last day she took off she took a pay cut. She won’t stay home because she just stopped staying home and frankly wasn’t doing a very good job at that because of her own anxieties and inabillity to handl the stress properly. She won’t stay home and not do anything. The last time I tried to get her to stay home she opened a daycare without caring what I wanted. I make more money, but now I’ve reached a point where I feel I need to do something desperate so that I can retain the recommendations from my current employer for future jobs. Once I go below 40 hours I do not accrue retirement time. That’s already happened about 3 weeks ago. I’ve already used the 3 days I got just this month because it’s our new fiscal year.

Suggestions? Please! What should I do? We don’t have family to turn to for help.

 

[kage_ar]

Get to a Catholic counselor ASAP!

Your wife will not “allow” you to quit your job? She is your wife, your partner - not your mommy.

 

[flyingfish]

I’m confused about your question.

Do you want to quit your job primarily because you want to stay at home with your children in case they get sick, or do you want to quit your job primarily because you are not satisfied with your career and want to go back to school to have a better job?

If you go graduate school, won’t you have to take classes and do research that would require you to be away from your children anyway?

That said, if you are really dissatisfied with your job, you should go back to school. Your wife is wrong to forbid you to do this.

 

[jmcrae]

What would it cost to have a sitter come in to take care of the kids on days when they are sick? (Probably less than what you would lose by staying home with them from work that day, right?) I assume the kids already have a regular after-school sitter because both you and your wife are working - could that person take the kids when they are sick?

This would give you the ability to complete your projects at work, and to put in the hours that they need you to do. It would also give you the ability to plan for future schooling and get your graduate degree, so that you can move into the position that you really want.

 

[eucharisteo]

I’m confused about your question.

Do you want to quit your job primarily because you want to stay at home with your children in case they get sick, or do you want to quit your job primarily because you are not satisfied with your career and want to go back to school to have a better job?

If you go graduate school, won’t you have to take classes and do research that would require you to be away from your children anyway?

That said, if you are really dissatisfied with your job, you should go back to school. Your wife is wrong to forbid you to do this.

I actually love my job. We’re just under a lot of stress. I’ve had a heck of a time in the past missing frequently for various health related issues, ongoing family issues [medical]. I do civil engineering design since 2001 and can’t take the license exams first because I needed a few extra classes and then the rules changed again recently requring more and indicate a trend to change in the next 5 years which will require 30 additional advanced courses in addition to the engineering degree instead of like degree. I’m closer to a graduate degree in engineering than a bachelors. I’m maxed out in my department without someone leaving, but still not an engineering slot. The salary difference, even though I’m at the 75 percentile compared to licenced engineers in the private sector. But getting licensed I’d be treated much different than I am now. I’m a former GIS Coordinator and City Planner, it’s too long to get into. I’m one of the smart idiots that seem to be able to do anything. Only I’m not willing to sacrifice my family to get promoted. I’ve seen first handed what happens when you do that.

I’d never really abandon my wife. Just trying to get some brain storming from people that care. Thank you for trying to help by the way. I get a lot of sick leave and vacation time per year but it’s all gone to having to take care of the children. My employer has reorganized for the 4 time this past year and its nerve racking. I talked with her today and I know she’s worried I’ll do something drastic because of my reactions, over the top stressed. I’m a work a holic and part of the “good work ethic American” over achiever type “A” personality. She has her own chaos to contend with as a teacher in a poor charter school and overloaded with way too many classes to teach with 5 different grade levels to teach. She works and stresses constantly and really can’t miss school any more than the 3 days she’s missed already. She’d also forget her head it if wasn’t attached. So getting her to remember to charger her phone or even carry it with her is nearly impossible. Makes me feel like I married an overgrown adult adolescent sometimes. Don’t misinterpret. I love her very much and would trade my life for her any day. I’m just worried I’ll ruin my reputation at a job that I need the licenced engineering references required for licensure. I need to be there to keep on their good side. If my lack of being present crosses their stress threshhold I’m not sure how much longer they’ll put up with it/me.

My wife is a day at a time last minute planner. I’m a plan for the future type that understand professionalism more I believe. I feel stretched way too thin and wonder if God is backing me or her into a corner to learn to trust Him, not our own short comings. She has a serious trust issue for reasons I understand, but too complicated to elaborate on. I feel held down even though I’ve expressed my desire to go back to school while working a part-time job that I can call into and who cares if you get fired from a part-time job once you get licensed…very few and since I’d be in school I wouldn’t have to include it if I didn’t want to. I could teach eventually. In fact, I was trying to do that. My work recently changed majorly with 2 very poor engineering managers and director’s retirement a year ago. But since we’re reorganized at least 4 times…the last being less than a week ago. My new boss is also a friend of mine I feared would eventually become my boss because he is agressive, like me but more like my older brother. He lived a difficult life like me and is a fallen away Catholic, married outside the church, registered preacher, but not religion hardly at all, no children, etc. I like him but he has back stabbed many people at work I though he was friends with. I hope he doesn’t destroy my character with this build up of taking sick leave. It’s nerve racking you see. Thankfully for medication that I can take. I’ll get back on something to at least calm me. No shame in that. Just trying to survive.

 

[eucharisteo]

Get to a Catholic counselor ASAP!

Your wife will not “allow” you to quit your job? She is your wife, your partner - not your mommy.

She has trust issues. We have been going to counselors over time. My pastor is helping her as well little by little. She’s a new convert crossing over from a very fundamentalist church that seriously marginalizes women. She has trust issues. She get angry at me really fast and is no some pretty heavy medication to keep her from bouncing off walls. She fears the loss of me supporting her, which is understandable. But in the beginning we did the same, even though my Army College Fund brought in more than her working full-time. I’m trying to get to a point that she can let go. She’s often threatens to walk away and I fear her doing that with our little ones. Her new found confidence makes me fear she’ll get so frustrated that she leaves me. She used to threaten this about every 4 to 6 months. When I asked she simply said that she was afraid I’d leave her first so she was going to do it before I did. HUHHHH…never would leave her like that. But this may eventually have a negative effect on our children’s future I fear. If I lose my mind because I can’t reach one of my professiona goals without good cause other than mental illness of not being able to let go then what have I really accomplished? I’m frustrated, not thinking clear becuase I’m stressed about fear I might lose my job if they get tired of me taking off ever week so far.

 

[flyingfish]

I actually love my job. We’re just under a lot of stress. I’ve had a heck of a time in the past missing frequently for various health related issues, ongoing family issues [medical]. I do civil engineering design since 2001 and can’t take the license exams first because I needed a few extra classes and then the rules changed again recently requring more and indicate a trend to change in the next 5 years which will require 30 additional advanced courses in addition to the engineering degree instead of like degree. I’m closer to a graduate degree in engineering than a bachelors. I’m maxed out in my department without someone leaving, but still not an engineering slot. The salary difference, even though I’m at the 75 percentile compared to licenced engineers in the private sector. But getting licensed I’d be treated much different than I am now. I’m a former GIS Coordinator and City Planner, it’s too long to get into. I’m one of the smart idiots that seem to be able to do anything. Only I’m not willing to sacrifice my family to get promoted. I’ve seen first handed what happens when you do that.

I’d never really abandon my wife. Just trying to get some brain storming from people that care. Thank you for trying to help by the way. I get a lot of sick leave and vacation time per year but it’s all gone to having to take care of the children. My employer has reorganized for the 4 time this past year and its nerve racking. I talked with her today and I know she’s worried I’ll do something drastic because of my reactions, over the top stressed. I’m a work a holic and part of the “good work ethic American” over achiever type “A” personality. She has her own chaos to contend with as a teacher in a poor charter school and overloaded with way too many classes to teach with 5 different grade levels to teach. She works and stresses constantly and really can’t miss school any more than the 3 days she’s missed already. She’d also forget her head it if wasn’t attached. So getting her to remember to charger her phone or even carry it with her is nearly impossible. Makes me feel like I married an overgrown adult adolescent sometimes. Don’t misinterpret. I love her very much and would trade my life for her any day. I’m just worried I’ll ruin my reputation at a job that I need the licenced engineering references required for licensure. I need to be there to keep on their good side. If my lack of being present crosses their stress threshhold I’m not sure how much longer they’ll put up with it/me.

My wife is a day at a time last minute planner. I’m a plan for the future type that understand professionalism more I believe. I feel stretched way too thin and wonder if God is backing me or her into a corner to learn to trust Him, not our own short comings. She has a serious trust issue for reasons I understand, but too complicated to elaborate on. I feel held down even though I’ve expressed my desire to go back to school while working a part-time job that I can call into and who cares if you get fired from a part-time job once you get licensed…very few and since I’d be in school I wouldn’t have to include it if I didn’t want to. I could teach eventually. In fact, I was trying to do that. My work recently changed majorly with 2 very poor engineering managers and director’s retirement a year ago. But since we’re reorganized at least 4 times…the last being less than a week ago. My new boss is also a friend of mine I feared would eventually become my boss because he is agressive, like me but more like my older brother. He lived a difficult life like me and is a fallen away Catholic, married outside the church, registered preacher, but not religion hardly at all, no children, etc. I like him but he has back stabbed many people at work I though he was friends with. I hope he doesn’t destroy my character with this build up of taking sick leave. It’s nerve racking you see. Thankfully for medication that I can take. I’ll get back on something to at least calm me. No shame in that. Just trying to survive.

How long would it take you to take the required classes to get licensed? It sounds like going back to school is what you should be doing, because it would give you more security in the long run as well as the opportunity to teach.

Is your wife against it because she doesn’t want to lose the money you make? Is it possible to save up in advance? Take out loans? Engineers make a lot of money after all, so it’s not like you would ever be poor.

 

[eucharisteo]

What would it cost to have a sitter come in to take care of the kids on days when they are sick? (Probably less than what you would lose by staying home with them from work that day, right?) I assume the kids already have a regular after-school sitter because both you and your wife are working - could that person take the kids when they are sick?

This would give you the ability to complete your projects at work, and to put in the hours that they need you to do. It would also give you the ability to plan for future schooling and get your graduate degree, so that you can move into the position that you really want.

Not an individual, it’s an organization YMCA. We were sending them to Catholic schools but they was worse. They were so mean to the one that was out sick today. An anti-Catholic Catholic school teacher…go figure. So we transferred him back to the public school that was a lot better academically and not so openly anti-Catholic to our child…talk about strange. Fallen away Catholics make the worst anti-Catholics. I know because I used to be one. got over myself too. My wife was worst than me. Now she’s so numb from the medication I wonder if she really cares or gets it. Even if I lose my job she’s my wife. Finding a bably sitter has proven to be difficult. BUT she bounces off the wall with that too. I believe she has serious control issues. When things get really bad for her I recently discovered over the past 2 years that she cuts. Scares the male toothpicks out of me. [H. E. double hockey sticks]. I had a brother commit suicide and fear she’ll go off the deep end sometimes, but probably over fearing. SO my anxieties aren’t helping either. I know I need help, but when you use all of your leave time to take care of sick kids…then what does a guy do? I’d hire a nany if I could…that is she’d give in and let me without leaving me for trying to actually do something about it. It took our pastor to convince her that its okay for us to hire a made. But we need someone to help clean and take care of the kids. Even if I don’t go back to school we still need something to make it work. Therapy would be nice, but a sugar daddy would be better…

 

[eucharisteo]

How long would it take you to take the required classes to get licensed? It sounds like going back to school is what you should be doing, because it would give you more security in the long run as well as the opportunity to teach.

Is your wife against it because she doesn’t want to lose the money you make? Is it possible to save up in advance? Take out loans? Engineers make a lot of money after all, so it’s not like you would ever be poor.

EXACTLY on the second paragraph. She doesn’t care about money. But she’s also not good a paying bills and did not do that very well at all when she stayed home before. In fact things have gotten better now that I reorganized because she finally let go of that so I could straighten things out.

I need around 52 semester hours of a combination of course leveling work and 36 semester hourse of that being graduate level courses. If I went for another backelor of science degree it would require about another 88 semester hours. Engineering curriculums usually require a lot of courses. But I discover I could do it this other way and this is why I allowed myself to drift back towards engineering after letting it go when I got married. She doens’t get how difficult the courses are and really doesn’t care. That’s my fault for leaving the Church to marry her. Now that we have 3 yound children and the fact I lover her anyway I couldn’t leave or would I leave. We are trying to work together to some degree, but she doesn’t seem to trust I can handle it even though I’ve already proved I’m an honor student with a math minor and tons of science. Strange to me.

 

[kage_ar]

Seek a spiritual director. It sounds as if the cares of this world are tearing you both apart, the goal is heaven - if the rat race keeps you focused on your job and your 401K maybe it is best for you both to find less stressful ways to put a roof over the heads and focus on what is REALLY important.

 

[flyingfish]

EXACTLY on the second paragraph. She doesn’t care about money. But she’s also not good a paying bills and did not do that very well at all when she stayed home before. In fact things have gotten better now that I reorganized because she finally let go of that so I could straighten things out.

I need around 52 semester hours of a combination of course leveling work and 36 semester hourse of that being graduate level courses. If I went for another backelor of science degree it would require about another 88 semester hours. Engineering curriculums usually require a lot of courses. But I discover I could do it this other way and this is why I allowed myself to drift back towards engineering after letting it go when I got married. She doens’t get how difficult the courses are and really doesn’t care. That’s my fault for leaving the Church to marry her. Now that we have 3 yound children and the fact I lover her anyway I couldn’t leave or would I leave. We are trying to work together to some degree, but she doesn’t seem to trust I can handle it even though I’ve already proved I’m an honor student with a math minor and tons of science. Strange to me.

I’m not familiar with that way of counting credits, it sounds like 2 semesters with 25 hours of class per week? 3 semesters with a reduced load?

Or I guess if you are taking graduate level courses you’d be expected to have fewer hours but do research work in addition?

You said you and your wife are seeing counselors? Are you seeing one together? Has this issue been raised before?

Does your wife realize how you feel about this whole thing? Are you the kind of guy who shares feelings?

Maybe you should go ahead and form a plan for your returning back to school. Create a savings account, find out about loans, things like that. Then show it to your wife to make her feel secure in knowing that you won’t be moving to a 1 bedroom basement apartment while you study. Maybe once all that is set, and she feels safe, she will not be so reluctant to encourage you to complete your education

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Many grad schools know their students work. So they have evening classes. If you take 6 credits a semester, it may take longer, but you’ll eventually get it done without turning the rest of your life upside down.

Find a grandmother or someone in your town/parish who needs the money. Pay her to watch your kids when they’re sick. Grandmothers on Social Security are good at making soup and taking care of kids with colds. They need the money.

 

[jmcrae]

Find a grandmother or someone in your town/parish who needs the money. Pay her to watch your kids when they’re sick. Grandmothers on Social Security are good at making soup and taking care of kids with colds. They need the money.

I second this suggestion - find a lonely widow whose kids live away. It would be a win-win situation.

 

[whatevergirl]

Many grad schools know their students work. So they have evening classes. If you take 6 credits a semester, it may take longer, but you’ll eventually get it done without turning the rest of your life upside down.

Find a grandmother or someone in your town/parish who needs the money. Pay her to watch your kids when they’re sick. Grandmothers on Social Security are good at making soup and taking care of kids with colds. They need the money.

First, I agree with this. Second, eucharisteo, I know you are frustrated, but you should talk about your wife in more positive ways. Positive begets positive. You talk about her, like you’re stuck or something. Like you’re doing everything, and she’s along for the ride. I highly doubt that. If you begin to think more positively of your wife, you’ll show that…and she might surprise you and be more supportive. That just stuck out to me here, your choice of words to express the thoughts about your wife. Kind of disparaging. Your marriage has common struggles that many marriages do, money and careers are common stumbling blocks between couples. I would go to Retrouvaille, and try to start seeing your wife as being on your team, and not against you. Then, I’d seek a good couples counselor that can help you both SORT out the important issues, and get to some resolutions. Just my two cents. I’ll hold you both in my prayers. :console: *

 

[Mrs_Sally]

I’m worried about your kids being sick so often. Did you say you’ve been taking a day a week for sick leave? Why is that? Are they picking up things at daycare? Perhaps the answer is a change in care providers. Getting them in a small at-home care, or with a grandmother type as another poster suggested, or even a nanny who comes to your home might be batter if they can go to care when they have the sniffles. Then you can be in the office more regularly. Again, if they have more serious health concerns it also probably makes sense to get a different care provider than the Y so your children can get someone watching their health more closely.

As for school, look around an see if there is anywhere that you can take 1 class at a time, or even something online. It will take longer, but you can show your employers that you are working toward that certification/degree. Do they provide tuition assistance? If so it make super sense for you to take advantage of that.

Glad your wife is getting the meds she needs and is in counseling. Many times a job with a more-structured environment can help with depression rather than the self-motivation needed for an at-home mom to get all the house stuff done, meals, bill paying, maintenance etc.

 

[eucharisteo]

I’m worried about your kids being sick so often. Did you say you’ve been taking a day a week for sick leave? Why is that? Are they picking up things at daycare? Perhaps the answer is a change in care providers. Getting them in a small at-home care, or with a grandmother type as another poster suggested, or even a nanny who comes to your home might be batter if they can go to care when they have the sniffles. Then you can be in the office more regularly. Again, if they have more serious health concerns it also probably makes sense to get a different care provider than the Y so your children can get someone watching their health more closely.

As for school, look around an see if there is anywhere that you can take 1 class at a time, or even something online. It will take longer, but you can show your employers that you are working toward that certification/degree. Do they provide tuition assistance? If so it make super sense for you to take advantage of that.

Glad your wife is getting the meds she needs and is in counseling. Many times a job with a more-structured environment can help with depression rather than the self-motivation needed for an at-home mom to get all the house stuff done, meals, bill paying, maintenance etc.

Maybe there is something about that “dirty papist” site we were taking them too. They got more sick in the Catholic schools before we abandoned the Catholic schools 2 weeks ago. This last time wasn’t as bad as the one’s at the Catholic school. The nurse at the Catholic school accused me of dropping off my son knowing he was sick, which just isn’t true. We suspect that his genetically inhereted anxieties were elevated by the hateful teacher he had. She was a fallen away Catholic that chose to teach at the Catholic school. She was mean and the principle did nothing. We talked to our pastor and he did nothing, but probably had no control either though he offered to sit with us. He ended up jumping down my wife’s throat, and apologized for it later. There’s just a bug going around and seemingly most of the children keep getting sick in all of the schools.

I’m at the mercy of my wife’s choosing. I can’t just go out and hire someone without her approval. She’d get very angry at me and overreact. This is a fact, and if you think it’s negative of me to say so, then you have a lot to learn and I’d appreciate you not wasting my time while I’m trying to brainstorm not explain every little detail about every little thing. It’s not practical and you need to be charitable enough to accept it when I say I am being positive in comparison to how most of you would react. Most of you wouldn’t handle a day of my life, much less the 20 years I’ve done so. She is my vocation and she has a lot of impediments to many things…so what. No one is trying to run from anyone. I’m trying to solve a problem and some of you have offered viable sounding ideas but I’ve offered those already but she’s already shot them down.

The best catholic school in the area. We live in a nice area. As far as hiring grandma…dream on. That’ll never happen. All this talk positive makes me want to sing kumbaya. Act like everything is okay and thus it will be so. That’s like ignorance begets more ignorance. chatted with her. There is an element of trust. She already told me. Unless you have a real solution please refrain from wasting everyone’s time. Some years back we tried to adopt a childless couple up in years. The result was horrible. People aren’t as willing to do this kind of thing these days I guess. My wife has a whole pent up baggage of anxiety. That’s a fact, that if ignored would definitly end up losing her. So please don’t give me the talk more positive about your wife speach. You’re interpreting nothing out of very little.

Thanks Mrs. Salley, you gave the best (name removed by moderator)ut so far and recognize the facts not the wishful thinking. I need pragmatic people to help me, not dreamers in a make believe world.

Still trying to work through it, but accepting the fact that I may just get fired or not accrue retirement time may be what I just have to do. Life has never been fair to me, why should it start now? The classes I have to take start at 4:30 and 5:30 PM. Previously my boss wouldn’t approve to let me leave in time to attend. The new boss might, but it’ll be difficult for him to justify approving this special benefit if I’m missing work. Further, who in the world takes 25 semester hours per semester? Not this man. Family comes first no matter what. You have to take into consideration that prerequisites exist all through an engineering curriculum. realistically it could take around 3 years, But I plan on finding a part-time job that I can call in when necessary or work from home if possible. Once I take the minimum number of hours I can get licensed and return to work full-time and complete the program at night. But to get past this initial shock trying to get back into the swing of school I need a stable enough environement myself without the chaos at my current job in order to succeed, otherwise it’ll be a waste of time and money. I have money resources to tap into while in school. Sure it’d be nice to utilize our benefits at work, but the only ones I know that succeed in it are those that either take a basket weaving curriculum or have not children or have family to support their efforts. If you ever raised children without family to help you you have no idea what you’re talking about. Hiring a nanny or baby sister is not easy and very time consuming. The she has to be approved by the person that in my case is already high strung and distrusting.

 

[eucharisteo]

First, I agree with this. Second, eucharisteo, I know you are frustrated, but you should talk about your wife in more positive ways. Positive begets positive. You talk about her, like you’re stuck or something. Like you’re doing everything, and she’s along for the ride. I highly doubt that. If you begin to think more positively of your wife, you’ll show that…and she might surprise you and be more supportive. That just stuck out to me here, your choice of words to express the thoughts about your wife. Kind of disparaging. Your marriage has common struggles that many marriages do, money and careers are common stumbling blocks between couples. I would go to Retrouvaille, and try to start seeing your wife as being on your team, and not against you. Then, I’d seek a good couples counselor that can help you both SORT out the important issues, and get to some resolutions. Just my two cents. I’ll hold you both in my prayers. :console: *

Sweety, I think you need counseling more than us. Retrouvaille is for marriages on their last leg. This is only a frustration trying to talk my wife into letting me do what’s best for the family, not my career. The real stress is this country and its unwilliness to recognize family needs first over career. I get it though. The way I talk about my wife to people is always very positive. She’s like a walking saint. BUT, as my pastor said “where there are saints there are always martyrs.” She grew up in a very non career oriented environment where men work there hands to the bone or preach and women stay home with their children, period. Sweety, we’re talking about a convert from a very fundamentalist faith. The women from that belief are also resistant to change. This is the new and improved wife, but she still has a lot of trust issues rooted in her experience with the men and women from her previous faith and doesn’t trust anyone in the professional world to hire me after wards, which is over the top. Salted engineers are more valuable than new engineers. She’s also exhausted which exausts all of us. If it were up to me I’d have her stay home with the children. But if I’m potentially going to lose my job I have to work out a plan and do it fast. So please refrain from wasting time trying to fix us. We’re fine. I need the right approach to help make a decision on which one to suggest and one that she’s likely to accept, not someone that is always rational. Her fears take hold of her from time to time and if she doesn’t take medication, which is far too frequent, then the entire family suffers. I’m trusting in God that everything will be already.

I know you mean well sweety, but you make no sense and offer only distractions to solving a problems not solutions. Please keep these kinds of comments to yourself. If you’ve ever had to live with someone that is inflexible (maybe even emotionally or mentally irrational) you’d know what I’m dealing with. I love my wife but have never met anyone quite like her. I’m sorry if I sound put out with her for your taste. It’s her psychological disposition, her disease, that is getting in the way. Never mind the way you feel about how I “sound”. The way I “sound” is irrelevant and not up to you to interpret deary. I love my wife and my children and I’m seeking a real solution with what I got, not a diversion from the problem.

*If you begin to think more positively of your wife, you’ll show that…and she might surprise you and be more supportive. *

I want to laugh out loud and on the floor now gasping for air sweety. I’m this kind of man already and have learned that these “positive thinking” ideas just don’t work 100% of the time, at least not on my wife. She’s nearly ripped my head off bringing this subject up and bends over backwards not to openly discuss it - walks away. By the time I get her to discuss it she grudgingly agrees with the attitude that sounds more like “I dare you to try it”.

And then we woke up.

 

[eucharisteo]

I’m not familiar with that way of counting credits, it sounds like 2 semesters with 25 hours of class per week? 3 semesters with a reduced load?

Or I guess if you are taking graduate level courses you’d be expected to have fewer hours but do research work in addition?

You said you and your wife are seeing counselors? Are you seeing one together? Has this issue been raised before?

Does your wife realize how you feel about this whole thing? Are you the kind of guy who shares feelings?

Maybe you should go ahead and form a plan for your returning back to school. Create a savings account, find out about loans, things like that. Then show it to your wife to make her feel secure in knowing that you won’t be moving to a 1 bedroom basement apartment while you study. Maybe once all that is set, and she feels safe, she will not be so reluctant to encourage you to complete your education

a 4 semester hour course gives you 4 credits. Example: Physics requires a lecture and a lab. That’s around 6 or 7 hours in the classroom for just this course. Most of the courses are like this all the way up. It’s very difficult and very time consuming. That’s why I’m personally a basket case trying to go back to school to take these courses compared to something like Biology or Geology or History or else. Applied Science and Math require a lot of time to understand if you don’t catch it up front. Then there is the aspect of having been away from school so long, getting back into the swing of it. I am involved in many ministries with my wife that we both love. If a job opened up in our diocese I’d jump at it. But in the mean time I’m stuck working for someone else that doesn’t put family first. Then there’s the aspect of overlapping job and ministry that exists. I’d be able to “kill 2 birds with 1 stone”. But if this never happens I need something to fall back on and school is the logical thing to do in my situation…retool. My first degree is in Geography-Cartography and Photogrammetry. I need engineering to get licensed. The reason I ended up this way is frustrating and not my fault. VA did me wrong and I just can’t keep digging up old wounds to explain why to everyone. It must be buried and forgotten and just go forward. It has dawned on me the God may not want me to do this for some reason. And I am open to that. But in the mean time I’m going to try to view this from different angles. My wife and I get along really well until we deal with this subject. I’ve never showed any signs of being lame, lazy or whatever. I actually have to watch out for working too hard to much. I have the “Good old fashion hard working American ethic”.

Some of these classes start at 5:30 PM and last until 10:00. If work ends at 5:00, it takes 45 minutes to drive on heavy traffic days and another 15 minutes to park and get to class on time. We’re already speaking about 1 hour. To make sure I can actually get there on time I need to leave by 4:00 PM at the lastest to be safe. I’d be lucky to get their 15 minutes early. I know because I’ve tried leaving at 4:30 before and it just doesn’t work. Traffic is crazy where we live. But if my new boss, shuffled over me, allows me to leave early enough I should be able to arrive on time. Now I need time to prepare for class, finish projects, etc.

I have a feeling its all going to work out either way I go. However, I still need outside opinions from people that have dealt with this thing successfully, not conjecture, though if you have something real to add I’m all ears. Cut out the interpretation of whether or not I’m beging positive about my wife. I’m being realistic about our situation. I love her in her wounded state as she love me the same. Neither of us are perfect.

 

[eucharisteo]

Seek a spiritual director. It sounds as if the cares of this world are tearing you both apart, the goal is heaven - if the rat race keeps you focused on your job and your 401K maybe it is best for you both to find less stressful ways to put a roof over the heads and focus on what is REALLY important.

Our philosphy exactly. Money is not what this is about. It’s about making good use of my time while someone stays home with the children. My 401K is meaningless to me but she may need it when I die. I’ll work until the day I die if the Lord gives me the ability to. Since we’ve already run into cancer and other major illnesses maybe you mean wait for the Obama solution…because a man that doesn’t work by the sweat of his brow to support his family is worthless. We got a late start in life and neither of us have money, ever saved money other than in my mandatory retirement system. I have enough money to replace a full year of income. But that’s taking a huge risk in this world in this economy without having family to lean on in case things like broken arms, cancer, cysts, depression, anxiety, etc keep popping up. I’m trying to make sure we have enough money to take care of our increasing medical care doe doe…silly person. You live in a eutopea in your own mind. Niehter of us are worldly and we donate whatever we get that we don’t need. However if something happened to either one of us we’d be in a fix and our children would end up going to fundamentalist family to be raised. We have a spiritual director and he knows our situation and is working on it from his end…working on my wife slowing becasue she is an extreme case of high anxiety. You have no idea. I married her 20 years ago knowing she was somewhat high strung, but very overly quiet. It was from abuse. I never realized she had the kind of trust issues she has…we’re getting off topic. I know I’m doing all I can and am very flexible. She’s afraid and I can’t blame her. But it’s not that big of a risk to get an engineering degree on top of my already good degree with not open positions or no one hiring specifically me. I have suspicion at work about possible sabotage preventing me from being hired in my own degreed profession - Geographic Information Systems,which typically makes as much or close to engineers. I’m stuck and am working in about 3 levels beneath where I should and have been until someone initially derailed my career after hiring me for selfish reasons that redirected me towards engineering. Now I’m looking for a way to pick up the pieces.

 

[kage_ar]

Slinging insults at everyone who offers you a suggestion… nice.

Newsflash, an engineering degree does not guarantee you a job that is one iota better than what you have today. Some of us were laid off 1.5 years ago, have gone through all the savings and degrees and decades of experience don’t matter for squat.

You have two jobs in your household? How about hitting your knees and being thankful that you are both employed? Offer up your trials and suffering at a job that is soooo beneath you for those of us who would chew glass for half the jobs in your household.