How does marriage change intimacy

[anon91549587]

Hello friends, from how i was raised. A single man who has pre marital sex with his girlfriend does not love her but does so from lust. Does this mean that it is impossible to have sex out of love before marriage?

This leads me to a second question, does the sacrament of marriage give the man a “new emotional capability” to have sex out of love after the ceremony in church is made?

Im asking to better equipment myself for my community on chaste dating .

 

[Roguish]

it is impossible to have sex out of love before marriage?

It’s not impossible, but the risk that lust (or worse) will creep in is very great. It’s great enough that we should not go with our own judgment in such matters, but stick with the safe course of action: to be married first.

does the sacrament of marriage give the man a “new emotional capability” to have sex out of love after the ceremony

It does not provide a new capability, emotional or otherwise. Rather, the sacramental marriage, if it is fully and properly understood by the spouses, disables the lustful impulse. It does this by “compelling” the spouses, through their vows, to always look on each other as one another’s divine consort, and never as temptress or one to be tempted. On the sexual level therefore, we could say that sacramental marriage removes or prevents a wrong. It does not add or instill a new capacity for correct love, for that capacity is already present in a spiritually healthy human being anyway. If it isn’t present in a certain person, then he or she is unable to contract marriage (in the true sense) to begin with.

 

[Vico]

Hello friends, from how i was raised. A single man who has pre marital sex with his girlfriend does not love her but does so from lust. Does this mean that it is impossible to have sex out of love before marriage?

This leads me to a second question, does the sacrament of marriage give the man a “new emotional capability” to have sex out of love after the ceremony in church is made?

Im asking to better equipment myself for my community on chaste dating .

Sexual excitement, apart from the marital acts, willfully indulged in (at least mentally) is lust. There is a loss of sanctifying grace in mortal sin which means that charity is lost. Catechism of the Catholic Church " Mortal sin destroys charity in the heart of man by a grave violation of God’s law".

 

[anon91549587]

There is another thread in which someone said sexual thoughts towards the spouse is healthy, which i fully agree but logically i want to see how to make sense of it . For now it seems like a form of baptism in which the supernatural causes a change on the inside.

 

[Lea101]

Does this mean that it is impossible to have sex out of love before marriage?

Not impossible. It’s possible that one may do so out of love and lust. But from a Catholic perspective, if you’re aware that what you’re doing is wrong and you do it anyway, it’s not proper love as you’re basically saying “I’m putting myself and my partner in mortal sin” by having sex.

does the sacrament of marriage give the man a “new emotional capability” to have sex out of love after the ceremony in church is made?

No no no. You can still be lustful in your marriage. People who degrade their partners, rape, imagining you are sleeping with someone etc. Just because you’re no longer engaging in a particular sin does not mean you’re not in any sexual sin.

 

[Vico]

There is another thread in which someone said sexual thoughts towards the spouse is healthy, which i fully agree but logically i want to see how to make sense of it . For now it seems like a form of baptism in which the supernatural causes a change on the inside.

It is sinful to dwell on sexual thoughts for the purpose of sexual arousal apart from the marital act (including foreplay) for it is not done with the spouse – therefore it is not both procreative and unitive. Basically one needs to have the intention of proper completion of the marital act before beginning, so it does not become a near and voluntary occasion of sin.

 

[Elizabeth3]

Hello friends, from how i was raised. A single man who has pre marital sex with his girlfriend does not love her but does so from lust. Does this mean that it is impossible to have sex out of love before marriage?

I would say yes it is impossible because if you truly love someone (not just have romantic feelings but care about them including the state of their soul) you would not have sex with them before marriage. The woman carries the greater burden with sexual activity in that she always risks pregnancy. To indulge in sex before making that lifelong commitment which gives stability and security to both the woman and any possible children, is to be motivated by immediate self interest rather than love.

This leads me to a second question, does the sacrament of marriage give the man a “new emotional capability” to have sex out of love after the ceremony in church is made?

No. Love is not an emotional capability. Love is a rightly ordered action that comes from the use reason and the will. Emotion, properly self-mastered, may help motivate one towards a loving act rather than one being ruled by their emotions (passions) in which they are self interested, but it is not something that magically appears after marriage. A certain level of emotional maturity is something one should arrive at marriage with through demonstrating a willingness to wait for the proper time to express sexual intimacy. It shows a readiness for the responsibilities and duties of marriage.

 

[0Scarlett_nidiyilii]

single man who has pre marital sex with his girlfriend does not love her but does so from lust.

Not quite.

Love and lust can coexist within the same person at the same time.
Nobody is free of some vices.
What we try to do is to increase our virtue and diminish our vices.

Does that mean unmarried people should have sex? No.
It just means that people arent reducible to heroes and villains.

 

[TheLittleLady]

Yes.

Many sins are committed out of love (see the nine million threads about lying to protect those one loves).

Unmarried people may live together for decades and deeply love each other, I’m not sure where this idea of demonizing those who commit sexual sins comes from.

We live chastity according to our state in life because we love God.

 

[Inquiry]

This leads me to a second question, does the sacrament of marriage give the man a “new emotional capability” to have sex out of love after the ceremony in church is made?

Let me give you a parallel. You find a homeless man who needs a meal. You tell him that you are going to get him some food. In scenario A you don’t have any money and you have to steal some food to give it to him. In scenario B you do have money and you buy him a meal.

Did having money give you a new emotional capability to feed the homeless man? No, it just gave you the physical capability of doing so honestly.

In a very real sense the marital embrace is a physical expression of the marital vows. It very powerfully says “We are one flesh.” That’s what the unitive aspect of sex is. If God hasn’t made the two of you one flesh, you can’t say that. Premarital sex cannot express unity because there is no unity to express. It cannot build unity because there is no unity to build upon.

 

[GLam1761]

Let me take a “stab” at this one… suppose the partner believes
it is NOT a sin(he/she is an unbeliever) if there is consensual
intention to have sex between adults(over the age of 18). Is it
not right to have sexual intimacy, given that one is NOT prom-
iscuous. What better way to “enjoy” one another?

 

[rosejmj]

I think that it is possible to have loving and not lustful premarital sex. I also think it’s possible to have lustful and not loving sex within marriage.

If you believe premarital sex is a mortal sin it is a bit harder for it to be purely loving though since you wouldn’t want to lead someone you love into grave sin that could put their soul in danger

I don’t think the sacrament of marriage gives you some emotional capacity to have sex out of love. It does give you the freedom to have sex that is no longer sinful but actually something that is praised by the church. Also, hopefully you are more committed since you made a public vow to stay together until death. Other than that, it is definitely still possible to be lustful and to use your spouse

 

[Leek]

I look at it this way, the level of risk that women are expected to take on take a lifetime of work from a man to repay.

 

[rosejmj]

Women does take on more risk though. While both the male and the female can get STI/STD, it is the female who may get pregnant when not intended, obviously through intercourse. Obviously it’s a choice to engage in intercourse, and so I believe measures should be taken to avoid pregnancy if necessary and one should accept the consequences if pregnancy occurs. It’s still a risk though, not necessarily bad in itself but definitely something not all people can handle. Pregnancy also comes with many risks as well to a woman’s physical and mental health and even financially. I think a risk means that something(like pregnancy) can happen in a given situation even though not intended and in some cases can have negative effects on the person

 

[Elizabeth3]

What an egregious absurdity. Offense taken.

A woman does not “risk” pregnancy. She either engages or does not engage in an act that she knows naturally leads to conception. If she perceives pregnancy to be a “risk” and the sexual act to be a “burden”, she should abstain. Moreover, if that’s how she feels then I dare say that her sexuality is neither natural nor divine, but plain “odd” — for lack of another diplomatic term. Even people committed to celibacy do not condemn sex as a burden or a risk, for either gender.

PS. Yes I’m a man — that other gender that imposes such terrible risks and burdens on females. ( Excuse me for the sarcasm.)

You’re reading too much into it and your perspective of what a woman experiences or what you think she should experience is quite…absurd.

How is sexual activity outside marriage not a risk of pregnancy and a burden to the woman who engages in it? Let’s be realistic. The fact that a woman risks getting pregnant and has the burden of carrying and raising a child alone doesn’t mean her sexuality is unnatural. It’s natural for all kinds of dangers from tearing to blood clots to infection to hemorrhaging to happen with pregnancy, that doesn’t make it not a burden just because it’s natural.

In marriage, there is not the same level of risk. You have the support of the father and his commitment. You are less vulnerable to any number of problems.

What I think is odd is that you think something natural or divine is mutually exclusive from something being a risk (if not engaged in per God’s plan) or has a certain level of burden to it. Love can make a burden a lighter load but it doesn’t always make everything sunshine and roses to experience.

As a man, you should spend more time thinking about how an unmarried woman or even a married woman gives herself up to the suffering entailed with pregnancy, labor, delivery, breastfeeding and raising a child. She does it because, even though she knows the burden (cross) she may have to take on, she also knows there is great love involved as well. It’s quite naive of you to not consider the part of the sexual equation that women experience.

 

[anon91549587]

Update: i cant imagine what sexual desire for the spouse is like within a catholic marriage despite having tons of reading done on sexuality because of my work in anatomy.

 

[BlueKumul]

The woman carries the greater burden with sexual activity in that she always risks pregnancy. To indulge in sex before making that lifelong commitment which gives stability and security to both the woman and any possible children, is to be motivated by immediate self interest rather than love.

I also think this is the reason for this commandment. But only God knows for sure.

 

[RolandThompsonGunner]

Update: i cant imagine what sexual desire for the spouse is like within a catholic marriage despite having tons of reading done on sexuality because of my work in anatomy.

What’s confusing you about it? Most people marry people they’re in love with and are physically attracted to. Why wouldn’t sexual desire be a part of that?

 

[27lw]

Do you know about Theology of the Body? You might try reading up on that.
Sex outside marriage is the partner(s) using the other. Christians generally believe that sex belongs in one particular context. Once the partners have married, then they (and everyone else) knows that they have a lifelong commitment to each other. Otherwise what kind of a commitment do they have to each other? It’s unknown.

 

[TK421]

Hello friends, from how i was raised. A single man who has pre marital sex with his girlfriend does not love her but does so from lust. Does this mean that it is impossible to have sex out of love before marriage?

This leads me to a second question, does the sacrament of marriage give the man a “new emotional capability” to have sex out of love after the ceremony in church is made?

Im asking to better equipment myself for my community on chaste dating .

I think if a person grows up in an environment where sex before marriage is normal and where the definition of marriage is murky, it is theoretically possible for them to have sex and to have goodwill towards the other person. So many cultures in the past existed without a clear understanding of matrimony. I don’t know to what extent that person commits sin. But, if they are lead to the Church and as they begin the Rite of Christian Initiation, they will understand the deeper meaning of the human person and they will be motivated by charity to treat the other person in a different and nobler way.

For any of the virtues, always focus on the positive and the beautiful, not on the negative. The devil tries to deceive us and make us believe that by being Christian we have to give up good things. We don’t. We give up bad things.

Honoring the Sacrament of Matrimony and receiving Baptism, Confirmation, and the Eucharist will strengthen a person and expand their capacity for the theological virtues.

Peace.