How far can we go?

[Christine85]

How far can a couple go in a relationship before marriage? Sorry if this makes anyone uncomfortable but Im wondering is heavy petting and touching a sin. I know fornication means sex and it says no to pre marital sex in the Bible but it doesnt get specific. Exactly what can you or cant you do?

 

[Rascalking]

Your going to get alot of answers to this question. Some people are going to say don’t kiss or hold hands until you’ve been married for three years while others are going to say don’t kiss or hold hands until you’ve been married for ten years.

 

[RachelKH]

well, i think you could look at it this way – do not do those activities that you wouldn’t want your spouse doing with someone else after you two are married – you may find out this person is not the right one for you after all and you should save those activities for after the marriage. also – if it leads you to sexual arousal in any way, retreat!

 

[rwoehmke]

Nothing you wouldn’t do with your mother, father, sibling, or grandparents.

 

[WetCatechumen]

Nothing you wouldn’t do with your mother, father, sibling, or grandparents.

I vehemently disagree.

I would not walk down the street holding hands with my mother, father, sibling, or grandparents. I’m not six anymore.

I don’t see any problem whatsoever with handholding before marriage. However, if you do with it any of these other people (in our culture), that’s really weird.

I’m not saying that handholding couldn’t be appropriate.

https://dohiyimir.typepad.com

 

[anp1215]

I would say don’t do anything that you wouldn’t do in front of your parents or grandparents, but not with your parents or grandparents.

 

[twoangels]

How far can a couple go in a relationship before marriage? Sorry if this makes anyone uncomfortable but Im wondering is heavy petting and touching a sin. I know fornication means sex and it says no to pre marital sex in the Bible but it doesnt get specific. Exactly what can you or cant you do?

The Catechism says that sexual pleasure sought after outside of its unitive and procreative meanings is morally disordered. The Catechism also specifically condemns masturbation. Even if done mutually in a dating relationship, they are gravely immoral and masturbatory.

It does not mean that sexuality is bad. I would say our main problem with chastity in the world right now is that we’ve turned “dating” into an end rather than a means. In fact, what we call “dating” today isn’t even dating in the technical since. It simply is pairing up. We have blurred the line between boyfriend/girlfriend and between husband/wife. We take our “dating” relationships too seriously prior to marriage and not seriously enough after marriage. This all deals I believe with our fear of the commitment of marriage. We want the benefits of marriage before we actually are even remotely ready to give ourselves completely in that covenantal bond.

The Bible only speaks about marriage because back then marriages were primarily arranged. People didn’t enter into lesser semi-committed relationships for years on end without marriage. Even in the advent of choosing our own spouse, the purpose of dating or courtship was solely designed by humans as a period to put the emotional breaks on, to avoid the whole “fools rush in.” Exclusively seeing someone (being their girlfriend/boyfriend) should only be a thing that is done by people who are discerning marriage. The relationship should not be jumped into head first and as such, what is appropriate affection for an engaged couple is different than a couple who are just starting their courtship. Lust will always make you want to jump ahead in the relationship. Lust doesn’t just lead you to specifically sexual things, but to simply sharing intimate things before they are appropriate. It can be expressed in a woman’s desire to start confiding deep personal secrets to her boyfriend of only a week. It can be wanting to always exclusively talk about how you feel about each other and to gloat in your own admiration of each other rather than to just keep things casual and enjoy a conversation about your mutual interests. It ultimately makes it all about that the emotions, bonding and intimacy that is being felt and not about actually getting to know each other.

Ultimately, you have to be honest with where you are in the relationship and have a firm understanding of what marriage is and what a non-married relationship isn’t in the eyes of God. Then you have to really look at yourself and discern what is appropriate. Some affection is never appropriate before marriage. Other may be entirely appropriate, but still be a near occassion of sin as it tempts you too easily to take things too far for where you are at in your state in life.