How Far is Too Far?

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lydie13

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My boyfriend and I are both practicing Catholics, both still virgins seeking God’s will in our relationship every day. However, I have been struggling with the physical aspect of our relations and wondering how far is too far (besides oral and vaginal intercourse outside of marriage)?

I was told anything that leads to arousal is a sin? Is this true? My boyfriend disagrees and says in that case he can’t even give me a hug!
 
The two main doctrines involved here are 1) giving scandal and 2) avoiding the near temptation of sin. As you know 3) “Don’t sin” is already a given.

First, throughout the rest of your life, single or married, always keep God first in your thoughts. This is the greatest commandment and will prevent these other sins.

I have heard sound pastoral advice on point #2 to infer any/all of the following: no kissing, no “french” kissing, no touching innocent parts (touching private parts is #3), having chaperones when not in public places. Kissing/touching is not objectively a sin by itself, so if they can be given up #2 would seem to be ideally solved. If kissing/touching is already involved or determined to occur, you are objectively slightly at risk. As long as your conscience determines that this risk is even in the least bit real (subjective risk), then you are morally bound to abstain from these temptations.

My wife and I were extremely innocent - we both had drilled in our minds that there was no sex out of marriage. We were never, ever tempted. That catechesis however did not extend to point #2 so we had some rather passionate kissing, and I once stayed with her one night in a dark farm for protection while she was doing some graduate research. Our naivite allowed us to do innocently what I cannot recommend to you because you now have full knowledge. I did know about #1 giving scandal (if people knew that I had done that, they might infer it was ok for Catholics to do that which is false) but I put real concern for her physical safety first, so I made sure never to tell anyone about it who would not understand. In fact telling you now is the first time I have ever mentioned it, but only because I am also telling you about the risks (giving scandal).

God bless your inquiry and may he help you find in this man a loving spouse. I wish you all the best and will say some prayers for your intentions.
 
Someone said: “When you ask: “how far is too far?” You have already gone to far.” I hope you have not, but if you have, then know that its never too late to turn back and start over.

One rule I heard from young protestant couple was that they did not touch each other within the area of swim wear/underwear and I think that rule is really good.

I think you should check out www.pureloveclub.net
or the religious version: www.pureloveclub.com

listen to the chastity talks there… it will really get you excited about preserving all of your purity, and not just the minimal. the talks have help hundreds if not thousands of young people.

I, like you, wanted to be a virgin for my husband but I put my self into near occasions of sin, thinking I could handle it, and ended up getting extremely tempted so I gave in little by little. This has brought me so much suffering… I think that at one time I thought: “I can experiment a little bit and still be a virgin…” WRONG… this thinking is a spiral leading to death.

So… a lot of living in chastity is about avoiding situations where it will become difficult.

Once someone has touched you you will never have that back. And you are right… sex is not just intercourse… purity and innocense goes out the window with all kinds of sexual intimacy.

If your boy friend gets aroused when hugging you then you both need to put some limits on the hugs, dont make them too long, and dont hug when you are alone, especially in the evening. You have to protect him and he has to protect you.

I had a boyfriend who could not handle kissing without getting sexually aroused… It was kind of interesting for me that he could not handle it… it made me feel attractive that he got turned on. But that was all pride and selfishness, because BOTH parties in a relationship needs to be comitted to chastity.
Next time, if I ever have another relationship, I will make rules with my boy friend, and if anyone of us breaks these rules I know we do not respect or love one another as we should.

I need a man who has a lot of self respect and love.
You are young. Save it ALL for your husband.

Peace.
 
The underwear rule is harder now that a scrap of thread can be called “underwear.”
Think Granny and Granddaddy’s underwear. In fact, thinking of Granny and Granddaddy’s underwear might solve the problem completely.😉
If he can’t hug you without his mind wandering the wrong way, you might want to talk to him about that.
 
lydie13 said:
My boyfriend and I are both practicing Catholics, both still virgins seeking God’s will in our relationship every day. However, I have been struggling with the physical aspect of our relations and wondering how far is too far (besides oral and vaginal intercourse outside of marriage)?

I was told anything that leads to arousal is a sin? Is this true? My boyfriend disagrees and says in that case he can’t even give me a hug!
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an intellegent man later in life once said and I quote “it was like being chained to an idiot for 50 years.” remember this when your boyfriend says something like this. This is an accurate statement. temptation is like that. stay away from the near occasion of sin. don’t jump in the back seat with your boyfriend and think your going to play scrabble. take your time. You have a lot more of it then you think.
 
You will sense it. As soon as you start feeling uncomfortable in regards of it going a little too far, it’s time to “change the subject”.

When my husband and I were dating, we talked about it and decided that if any of us was feeling that way, that one would say the words: “let’s go get an icecream”. That was our cue to stop.

It was on mutual agreement and it did work. We now have sweet memories whenever our kids ask us to go get an icecream.
 
larry85704 said:
Get married quickly.
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Bad advice. Getting married just so you can have sex? Is that what marriage is for? Is that a just reason to get married, just to scratch that itch to have sex?

To the OP: you have been given some great advice. Also, check out “the Good News About Sex and Marriage” by Christopher West.

As Fr. Larry Richards once told someone that asked “how far is too far” he responded, not below the neck, both necks.
 
I heard about a couple of Messianic Jews that got married and they did not even kiss on the mouth before their wedding day. When I heard that I thought: Now thats AWESOME!

Physical contact brings such disturbance into a relationship… you cant really see the person in front of you… It might be both that you are blinded with infatuation but it can also be that, if you cross the line with a person then you and him have used each other and that fact will be between you and cause hidden or expressed tension and resentment. We all wanna be cherished, loved and protected and we get hurt when the person who claims to love us uses us because of sexual desire that he/she poses higher than what should be the object of his love; the other.

Love is not only expressed in words. Action must follow.
I have failed miserably at this and can only be happy when I see teen agers getting good advice here on CAF…
 
The question you should be asking is NOT, “How far is too far?” as such has a connotation of, “How close to the line of sin can I get without crossing it?”

The questions you should instead be asking are “What is God’s perfect will for my boyfriend and me in this relationship? How can we both help each other grow closer to God?” If you put on this new mindset, you and your boyfriend can reach a deeper level of love, resulting from a deeper level of communication, and a deeper desire to protect each other’s purity, and help each other along in your Christian walks.

Physical affection can often cloud the way two people actually feel about each other. It can become a trap. I would recommend that you and he get to know each other more deeply, for who you are on the inside. Bring your relationship to a deeper EMOTIONAL level, and if you ever find that you can’t ever see yourself marrying him, then lovingly let him go, knowing that you haven’t done anything physical with him that would in any way make you less attractive in the eyes of your future husband.
 
lydie13 said:
My boyfriend and I are both practicing Catholics, both still virgins seeking God’s will in our relationship every day. However, I have been struggling with the physical aspect of our relations and wondering how far is too far (besides oral and vaginal intercourse outside of marriage)?

I was told anything that leads to arousal is a sin? Is this true? My boyfriend disagrees and says in that case he can’t even give me a hug!
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What would you do with your mom and dad, his mom and dad, both sets of grandparents and your Priest in the room.
 
Would someone mind pointing out to me either in the CCC or Theology of the Body where it directly implies impure touching is a grave mortal sin?

Thanks!
 
lydie13 said:
Would someone mind pointing out to me either in the CCC or Theology of the Body where it directly implies impure touching is a grave mortal sin?
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I would say that Jesus addressed this issue personally, although not explicitly covering every individual possibility, when he said in the Sermon on the Mount:
“But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
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Some of the posters here have given very good advice. I would certainly recommend that you follow the links that have been given. Reflect on what truly loving your boyfriend means - the desire for the absolute best for him, which is union with God in heaven, not *just *the transitory good feelings of this world.

You are experiencing what many feel is their greatest temptation, and everyone else would probably agree with that sentiment, if they were thinking about it with a proper disposition. The good news is that you are looking at your relationship from a Christian point of view, and are doing the right thing in seeking advice from others.

God bless you, and keep you in His Holy embrace, especially when you are with your boyfriend.
 
lydie13 said:
Would someone mind pointing out to me either in the CCC or Theology of the Body where it directly implies impure touching is a grave mortal sin?

Thanks!
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Lydie… always ask your self this. Imagining that this guy will not be your husband ever but someone else will, and you will be someone elses wife: how far do you want another girl to go with your future husband? Would you like you future husband to “impurely touch” anyone or would you hope that he saves ALL of himself for you?
You can’t go around saying you are a virgin if you have done everything but intercourse… it then becomes only a hollow word. Keep your purity and your innocense… dont squander it. I know its tempting in the spur of a moment (dont let those moments come near you) but you’ll be really sorry afterwards and you will both wonder: “why did he/she say he/she loved me when he/she did not protect my purity?”
Premarital sexual acts are not displays of love. Only of selfishness and lust, even if the devil tells you: “Would it not be nice to just be a little bit close? It feels so good… and you are in control” always know that the devil was a liar from the beginning.

Believe me… dont even get started with talking with the devil.
Choose JESUS CHRIST over any earthly man… and let only those who are 100 percent comitted to chastity get a chance of having you.

Be your brothers keeper.

You cant say no and yes at the same time.
There will come a moment where you can indeed loose that which you cant imagine being without: your virginity.
Be on your guard against that moment, stay vigilant spiritually and DONT even trust your self but only trust the Lord

I speak from experience.
 
Lydie…

Dont let a book be your god. Jesus Christ is the Lord your God. He asks you to follow Him because He is the Pure and True Love incarnate and He wants only what is best for you.

He layed down His Life for You when He was Nailed to the Cross. He thought about you on that day on Calvary and boar your every sin… also those in the darkness that no one else sees… He sees… He weeps because you do not understand that He is … your first Love. He is your Spouse.
You can keep Him behind no closed doors. You cannot deny Him… He is always there, right infront of you at this very moment, waiting for you to give your self over.

The Catechism is not the Holy Spirit. Consult Him…
The Holy Spirit in your Heart and Conscience says: "Stop trying to justify the sin… you are a daughter of the Most High… your are precious… come to Jesus… Will you not come… ?
 
GraceDK said:
Lydie…

Dont let a book be your god. Jesus Christ is the Lord your God. He asks you to follow Him because He is the Pure and True Love incarnate and He wants only what is best for you.
…
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Lydie, Grace provides some very good insight. Most I can assure you is in line with TOB. Sexual desire is normal and intense. We are in possesion of a great gift. We are called to use this gift appropriately. To understand what is or is not appropriate is difficult in today’s society. I will suggest a book for you to read and contemplate the messages within. I agree that a book is no substitute for God. However, at one time I convinced myself that many of my actions were within the guidelines, but they were not. Many people are hurt because of the blinding nature of sex and sexual desire. We want you to realize how real that hurt can become if we are careless with His gift.

My suggestion is Mary Beth Bonacci’s Real Love: Answers to Your Questions on Dating, Marriage and the Real Meaning of Sex

I think she is a person you can relate to. I highly reccommend this book to any single person (although as a married couple we found it very enlightening as well.)
 
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