C
ChurchSuffering
Guest
My girlfriend and I want to practice chastity and save ourselves for marriage. But we are having a hard time drawing the line up until that point. So my question is when is it too far? And why.
- Status
M
MadetoLove
Guest
God bless you and your girlfriend for committing to chastity 
Here’s an article that may help:
How Far is Too Far?
I am a convert, with a colorful past much like St Augustine’s (I’ve unfortunately been quite unchaste).
A few tips that may help: Avoid places/times where you might be tempted to sin. For example, there were times I would watch a late-night movie with my (now ex) boyfriend and that became too much of a temptation. The wise thing to do would have been to avoid these late-night hang outs altogether.
Sexual hormones can be incredibly strong. God made them that way! But all the more reason to respect them and “flee from sexual immorality!” as St Paul warned us before. In other words, flee from the temptations, the near occasion of sin.
Above all, pray. Pray alone and with your girlfriend for the graces to be chaste. God will take care of you two
Here’s an article that may help:
How Far is Too Far?
I am a convert, with a colorful past much like St Augustine’s (I’ve unfortunately been quite unchaste).
A few tips that may help: Avoid places/times where you might be tempted to sin. For example, there were times I would watch a late-night movie with my (now ex) boyfriend and that became too much of a temptation. The wise thing to do would have been to avoid these late-night hang outs altogether.
Sexual hormones can be incredibly strong. God made them that way! But all the more reason to respect them and “flee from sexual immorality!” as St Paul warned us before. In other words, flee from the temptations, the near occasion of sin.
Above all, pray. Pray alone and with your girlfriend for the graces to be chaste. God will take care of you two
P
pensmama87
Guest
There’s a couple different ways to handle this.
IMO a good and obvious line is “when you begin to feel tempted to go further than you should and have trouble resisting the temptation.” What’s further than you should? I’d argue that probably goes for any act that would only properly belong in the context of lovemaking - handling certain body parts, for example, including over clothes. Sharing a bed (or room) together even if you’re not intending on doing anything besides sleep. Kissing or caressing while lying down. Undressing in front of each other or wearing clothes around each other that are only for an intimate context (e.g. underwear). These are just some practical ones.
Other couples may have specific things that are problematic. If one person says, “I need to wait to do this,” the other person should be willing to wait even if it is not problematic for them. An example of this would be passionate kissing.
Temptation is a warning sign and actually pretty useful, really. You shouldn’t feel bad simply because you feel tempted. It’s what you DO with the temptation that matters. Have a few plans in place when that happens, because it will.
Good for you and your girlfriend. This does not happen much nowadays and that makes it hard for couples to commit to chastity.
IMO a good and obvious line is “when you begin to feel tempted to go further than you should and have trouble resisting the temptation.” What’s further than you should? I’d argue that probably goes for any act that would only properly belong in the context of lovemaking - handling certain body parts, for example, including over clothes. Sharing a bed (or room) together even if you’re not intending on doing anything besides sleep. Kissing or caressing while lying down. Undressing in front of each other or wearing clothes around each other that are only for an intimate context (e.g. underwear). These are just some practical ones.
Other couples may have specific things that are problematic. If one person says, “I need to wait to do this,” the other person should be willing to wait even if it is not problematic for them. An example of this would be passionate kissing.
Temptation is a warning sign and actually pretty useful, really. You shouldn’t feel bad simply because you feel tempted. It’s what you DO with the temptation that matters. Have a few plans in place when that happens, because it will.
Good for you and your girlfriend. This does not happen much nowadays and that makes it hard for couples to commit to chastity.
X
Xantippe
Guest
If you’re having a hard time, dial down whatever you are doing until it’s manageable and you have good control over your actions.
Best wishes!
X
Xantippe
Guest
Yes!
One of the plans is to just be able to say, “I’m feeling worked up and I think I should go home now. See you tomorrow!”
The same skill set that unmarried couples need to not have sex is very similar to the skill set that married couples need to be successful at NFP (with some obvious differences, both morally and practically).
T
TruthSeeker92
Guest
Hi!
I want to encourage you in your efforts to be pure. I think the best advice I’ve ever heard as an answer to “How far is too far?” Would be “How far would you want a guy to go with your future wife?”
Picture this scenario: Let’s assume that your future wife could be ANYONE. She may not be the girl you’re dating now (I know, it’s a very sobering thought but bear with me!) Let’s say that your future wife lives in a different state. One day after school your future wife’s boyfriend invites her over his place – his parent’s aren’t home. He starts to compliment her and be really affectionate. He tells her he loves her and “he’s never felt this way before.” Then, he puts his arm around her and looks into her eyes – the eyes of the woman that you will be looking into at the altar before you say “I do” and kiss your bride, on your wedding night during your honeymoon, at the hospital after she (God willing) has your first child, when she is sick and needs you to care for her, and every single time you tell her you love her – those eyes. This guy looks into the eyes of your future wife and she feels weak. He starts saying all kinds of things to her, to get her more comfortable doing something sexual with her. How would you feel? How far is too far for him?
www.chastityproject.com Jason Evert’s website is awesome and you should check it out. He also has a twitter, Facebook and YouTube. Search his name and you’ll find it!
I want to encourage you in your efforts to be pure. I think the best advice I’ve ever heard as an answer to “How far is too far?” Would be “How far would you want a guy to go with your future wife?”
Picture this scenario: Let’s assume that your future wife could be ANYONE. She may not be the girl you’re dating now (I know, it’s a very sobering thought but bear with me!) Let’s say that your future wife lives in a different state. One day after school your future wife’s boyfriend invites her over his place – his parent’s aren’t home. He starts to compliment her and be really affectionate. He tells her he loves her and “he’s never felt this way before.” Then, he puts his arm around her and looks into her eyes – the eyes of the woman that you will be looking into at the altar before you say “I do” and kiss your bride, on your wedding night during your honeymoon, at the hospital after she (God willing) has your first child, when she is sick and needs you to care for her, and every single time you tell her you love her – those eyes. This guy looks into the eyes of your future wife and she feels weak. He starts saying all kinds of things to her, to get her more comfortable doing something sexual with her. How would you feel? How far is too far for him?
www.chastityproject.com Jason Evert’s website is awesome and you should check it out. He also has a twitter, Facebook and YouTube. Search his name and you’ll find it!
U
underacloud
Guest
Well put. I was going to say something along those lines.
The person you are dating is possibly going to be someone else’s wife/husband. In reality, it is probably (statistically speaking) more likely they will marry someone else and not you. Even if you are *sure *that you will marry that person - stop - until you are actually married, no, you cannot be sure. And thus, up until your actual wedding, treat them as though they may be someone else’s future spouse and not your’s.
In practical terms - avoid being alone together in places where you feel comfortable to express your love for each other. Try to be around others as much as possible - dates in public, at home when family is around, etc. Avoid being at home together without anyone else there - you will feel tempted, and you will continue to push the boundaries, and the more you push the further you’ll go, etc…and you know it.
In the original post you ask the question “why?”. The key answer is above - she may not be your future wife, but someone else’s - but I do not suggest you discuss it that way with your girlfriend. It is unlikely to go down well. Just stick with the line that chastity is important to you.
T
tawny
Guest
You & your girlfriend may want to look into a Goretti Group.
1
12345678
Guest
Two things can help you:
- Does it put you in the occasion of sin? (What you are doing is not sinful, but puts you in a situation where it would be easier to sin)
- Are you seeking arousal? Sexual pleasure is for marriage, so if you are doing things because of how they make you feel sexually (if it is something that you know causes you to be aroused), then you shouldn’t be doing them.
X
Xantippe
Guest
Also, make sure that you are doing lots of other stuff together rather than just hanging around making out.
U
UbiCaritas
Guest
When DH (then-boyfriend/fiancé) and I were dating/engaged, we knew that sexual pleasure was for marriage, and we planned on waiting. Which we did, for the record.
However, we also knew that it’s really important in a relationship to express love physically but not sexually: kissing, hugs, holding hands, friendly pats, and so on. In marriage, there will inevitably be times when you have to abstain, too; even if you’re taking a providentialist/non-NFP point of view on kids, most doctors strongly recommend against having sex for six weeks post-baby, and it’s not uncommon to have to abstain for some time during pregnancy for one reason or another. Ditto if one person or the other has a UTI, gets sick, or what-have-you. Still showing the other person you love them through those chaste-but-physical expressions of affection is really, really important.
We also lived nowhere near either of our families, so spending time at a family home wasn’t an option, and sometimes we wanted to be together alone without anything else going on–just watching a movie, or what have you.
The way we dealt with it was to make a “rule” (we never talked it out, but we just mutually decided on it) that we wouldn’t touch each other in private–i.e., in either of our apartments. We’d sit on a couch, but at far corners when watching a movie, or on separate chairs. When we said hello/goodbye with a hug and kiss, we’d do so at the (open) apartment door. However, in public, we’d hold hands, give each other hugs and kisses when appropriate, and so on.
Basically, if we didn’t start something, we wouldn’t have to worry about stopping, and neither of us are the type to make out in public, so our PDAs wouldn’t make any reasonable person uncomfortable.
However, we also knew that it’s really important in a relationship to express love physically but not sexually: kissing, hugs, holding hands, friendly pats, and so on. In marriage, there will inevitably be times when you have to abstain, too; even if you’re taking a providentialist/non-NFP point of view on kids, most doctors strongly recommend against having sex for six weeks post-baby, and it’s not uncommon to have to abstain for some time during pregnancy for one reason or another. Ditto if one person or the other has a UTI, gets sick, or what-have-you. Still showing the other person you love them through those chaste-but-physical expressions of affection is really, really important.
We also lived nowhere near either of our families, so spending time at a family home wasn’t an option, and sometimes we wanted to be together alone without anything else going on–just watching a movie, or what have you.
The way we dealt with it was to make a “rule” (we never talked it out, but we just mutually decided on it) that we wouldn’t touch each other in private–i.e., in either of our apartments. We’d sit on a couch, but at far corners when watching a movie, or on separate chairs. When we said hello/goodbye with a hug and kiss, we’d do so at the (open) apartment door. However, in public, we’d hold hands, give each other hugs and kisses when appropriate, and so on.
Basically, if we didn’t start something, we wouldn’t have to worry about stopping, and neither of us are the type to make out in public, so our PDAs wouldn’t make any reasonable person uncomfortable.
C
ChurchSuffering
Guest
Thanks everyone for all of your great replies. They were all very helpful. In a world were there is so much pressure to sin sexually, I can’t tell you how much easier and pressure it has taken off of our relationship to choose to save ourselves. Again thanks!
Yes! This is one of the things that we love about our relationship so much, is that we love just hanging out with each other, even when we don’t make out.
- Status