How I turned a good marriage bad

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Southparkmom

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I am so ashamed of myself. I have been married for 9 years. I married my best friend. I have time and time again betrayed him.

Before I go any further, I would like to say that I have a fear of conflict. I would rather risk everything than have a difficult discussion with my husband. I have, shamefully, even lied about things to my husband. When my husband is mad, he is extremely mean. Still, no excuse for my behavior. It is horrible and even more ridiculous.

I have two children 5.5 and 8. I have been home with them for the past 4 years. My daughter just started kindergarten this fall. They’ve seen and heard some awful things.

I have always felt guilty about the fact I do not bring home a significant pay check. My husband doesn’t really let me live it down either.

During August I applied for a job, but it never panned out. I was so excited about the opportunity. But it didn’t work out.

Now for the crazy, completely insane, part. I told my husband that everything was hunky dori with the job and I would start when school started. Instead of working at the school, I just started volunteering with the reading program. Well, what a regrettful thing to do. I finally fessed up to what I did and he is mad and bitter and started saying and doing horrible things in front of the children. I am so sorry for my dishonesty.

I need some advise on what is the next step for me? I am pretty much in despair. I don’t know what the next step is. I also don’t know how to get my marriage back on track, or if it is even worth going to bat for. I pray constantly. I need to go to confession. THen what?
 
First, my disclaimer…I’m not a therapist or professional counselor so I would advice to go see one as it sounds serious enough.

Then, here’s my 2 cent.

I’m not sure what your faith life is within your family, but it is very important to have both the wife and husband to work together to improve the relationship instead of just one person. If both have a fairly good faith life, I think it would not be hard to work things out.

Also, it depends how willing you are to make this work, meaning how much sacrifice you’re willing to make. It sounds like you’ve created this problem by betraying and lying to your husband first so you’ll have to be the one doing more sacrificing. My first thought is you need to stop putting yourself in situation where you’ll be betraying him, then stop lying and learn to accept responsibilities. It’ll take a long time for your husband to trust you again because once trust is broken it’ll be hard to mend that back. But don’t despair, keep up the prayer and cry out to the Lord for help.

If your husband say mean thing to you, just tell him how you feel then if if he continues just let him be and leave his presence and go pray. Go offer that pain up as a repentance and continue to pray.

You need to train your will to be strong, so that you’ll have courage to face conflict and avoid temptation. I wish you the best, hope things will work out for you. I’ll keep you in my prayer.

I know someone will come along and will have a better advice for you.

God Bless!
 
If you have always been literally afraid to talk to him about stuff, then this marriage was never good. You are in the wrong, but you are also fooling yourself about the status of your marriage before this.
 
Southparkmom said:
When my husband is mad, he is extremely mean.

Mean as in says hurtful things out of frustration? mean as in withholds necessities? mean as in physically abusive?

They’ve seen and heard some awful things.

**like what?
**

I finally fessed up to what I did and he is mad and bitter and started saying and doing horrible things in front of the children.

Again, like what? If this is just marital disputes getting a bit heated and out of hand then that is one thing…but if this is harmful to the children then you may need to take them out of the situation.

I also don’t know how to get my marriage back on track, or if it is even worth going to bat for. I pray constantly. I need to go to confession. THen what?
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**Check into Retrouvaille and hopefully there is a weekend retreat near you very soon.

And after confession ask your priest if he can help you. If he is not good at marital/personal counselling, ask him to find someone for you who is.

99.9% of all marriages are “worth” saving. But it takes two to make it work. And for the sake of your children hope you can both work towards a healthier, happier relationship.
**
 
Here is the deal, I am afraid of conflict. Especially surrounding our family money issues. I make the choice to lie about things and think I can solve the problem from behind the scenes instead of telling it how it is. I justify my lying by saying I am trying to protect everyone. Obviously, it is a very, very self-centered thing. I’ve come to a huge realization regarding this.

My husband is not a violent man. He just isn’t. Thank God, because I am sure I have pushed him to the limit. I have betrayed him. This is true. I believe he says things to snap me out of “it”.

He SAYS horrible things. Mean and horrible. Why wouldn’t he??? I have broken his trust. I have broken our marriage. I have broken my heart and I have shattered his.

He is a good man. He is. What ever has happened is my fault. The aftermath of what happens next is my fault. I just don’t know what to do. I am so disgusted with myself and my behavior.
 
If the issue is lying about this job, I just don’t see how that in itself spells curtains on a 9 year marriage.

I’d start with a marriage cousenlor, go see one and work this out, because I think there is something here to work with.

In the meantime I’ start with being honest about EVERYTHING. Sit down and tell him whats goin on, tell him y’all have problems, tell him you’re to blame for alot of it, but you’re not the only one, tell him you want to go to counseling, and that you want things to be different.
 
Southparkmom said:
He SAYS horrible things. Mean and horrible. Why wouldn’t he??? I have broken his trust. I have broken our marriage. I have broken my heart and I have shattered his.

He is a good man. He is. What ever has happened is my fault. The aftermath of what happens next is my fault. I just don’t know what to do. I am so disgusted with myself and my behavior.
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Well, now that you realize your doing has hurt the marriage, the next thing to do is stop putting yourself down and your marriage down like it’s doomed.

Things can be turned around, with great faith.

Have you determined to stop with the “betraying” (not sure what you mean by betraying) and “lying”? If you have then just talk to her husband and tell him you’re sorry and will not do it again.

Fear is not going to help, it just let others dominate over you. May be you need a third party to help. Get a priest, a friend, or a relative to come with you to talk to him. I think though, if he’s a reasonable man, he would prefer you come to him directly though.
 
You really need to learn how to communicate with your spouse. I suggest going to a Retrouvaille weekend. www.retrouvaille.org It will teach you both new methods of communicating with each other that can really help. Our marriage went from one perpetual argument to where we almost never argue at all any more–we are able to talk about our problems without it escalating into an argument. Please get some help somewhere. God bless you.
 
There is more than one kind of violence. Mental attacks can be as hurtful as physical ones. Sounds to me like you are lying out of fear.
 
Listen to Guy (BamaRider). He is a wise man.

It sounds like there are two sides to this story. Are you afraid to discuss uncomfortable things with him because he over-reacts? Or is it just a desire to avoid conflict? This is the kind of thing that can be worked out in marital counseling. For instance, I react badly to being shouted at. If you shout at me, I’ll say whatever it takes to shut you up. If you want my reasoned consent, shouting at me is the wrong way to go about it.

Since most of the issues are financial, here are some more questions. Do the two of you have an agreed upon and realistic budget? Or does he give you a budget that is unrealistic, like expecting you to put food on the table for $50 per month? If you have an agreed upon budget, how much are you supposed to put in, and are you doing it? Is he doing his part, and you aren’t doing yours (or vice versa)? If the budget is based on you both working full time, but that is unrealistic for you, then the budget needs to change. Do either or both of you have unrealistic expectations, like “living the champagne lifestyle on a beer budget”?

Are you even able to discuss financial issues in a realistic way? In a “we” mode, rather than a “you against me” way? (Another thing that counseling can help with.)

But you *have *to stop lying. That will take courage. Maybe it would help to respond to his questions with something like “I’m afraid to answer, because you might get angry, and that frightens me.” And responding to his meanness with things like “You’re scaring me” or “It hurts when you put me down in front of the children.” Or, but maybe more assertive than you can handle yet, “Please speak to me in a way that keeps me from tuning you out.”

Please get counseling, and get hubby to go along.
Ask your priest to refer you. Go to confession, and both before and after, ask God for the graces to help you stop lying and communicate better with your husband.

Praying for you,

Ruthie
 
Ruthie said:
Listen to Guy (BamaRider). He is a wise man.
I like what he has to say!🙂

It sounds like there are two sides to this story. Are you afraid to discuss uncomfortable things with him because he over-reacts? Or is it just a desire to avoid conflict? This is the kind of thing that can be worked out in marital counseling. For instance, I react badly to being shouted at. If you shout at me, I’ll say whatever it takes to shut you up. If you want my reasoned consent, shouting at me is the wrong way to go about it.

THis is totally what happens!

Are you even able to discuss financial issues in a realistic way? In a “we” mode, rather than a “you against me” way? (Another thing that counseling can help with.)

NO! As much as I would like it to be a "we"discussion it becomes a YOU VS ME throw down.
But you *have *to stop lying. That will take courage. Maybe it would help to respond to his questions with something like “I’m afraid to answer, because you might get angry, and that frightens me.” And responding to his meanness with things like “You’re scaring me” or “It hurts when you put me down in front of the children.” Or, but maybe more assertive than you can handle yet, “Please speak to me in a way that keeps me from tuning you out.”

These are excellent techniques. I will try them. I just want this mess to be solved once and for all.

Please get counseling, and get hubby to go along.
Ask your priest to refer you.

He is very anti-counseling…this is a problem. I am sort of scared to call our priest.

Go to confession, and both before and after, ask God for the graces to help you stop lying and communicate better with your husband.

Praying for you,

Ruthie
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Dear Southparkmom

The expression it takes two to tango comes to mind here and I think you need to think whether you should be taking ALL the responsibility.

Also suggest you think about how you deal with deal with conflict generally. Do you do the same thing? Are there areas of your life where you deal with conflict better ? If so, what makes it harder to deal with conflict with your husband.

You say your husband is not a violent man. But there are many sorts of violence not just physical. Saying mean and horrible things is violent and even if you are correct in saying he says things to snap you out of “it”. How he is doing it is demeaning to you. If this is his intention then he needs to learn better ways of encouraging you to tell the truth - safe ways.
 
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