How important is attraction?

[ambrosegirl84]

Remember that the vast majority of married life will be day-to-day, hum-drum stuff. If he can make that enjoyalbe (relatively) then that is a big plus.

Haha, just the fact that he puts up with my day-to-day stuff is great (i.e. “Dangit, your dog peed on the floor again!! I don’t know if I can put up with this!!!”). He’s so good at calming me down when I’m stressed out. My “other” serious boyfriend from a couple years ago would whine and complain about factors in his life, but my current does stuff about it!! He worked his way through college, paid for it all himself while supporting the rest of his family after a car wreck. Very focused and mature guy. My sister had the “butterflies-can-barely-talk-to-him-fairytale” relationship, and while they are very much in love, I do not envy their marriage at all.

Where’s the problem here again?

You know, there probably isn’t one. I was just starting to feel weird that I don’t feel that extreme passion that I used to about guys I had crushes on. But that’s probably one factor that makes this better than a crush…feeling secure enough that I don’t have to pine away over a guy. **

 

[flyingfish]

Haha, just the fact that he puts up with my day-to-day stuff is great (i.e. “Dangit, your dog peed on the floor again!! I don’t know if I can put up with this!!!”). He’s so good at calming me down when I’m stressed out. My “other” serious boyfriend from a couple years ago would whine and complain about factors in his life, but my current does stuff about it!! He worked his way through college, paid for it all himself while supporting the rest of his family after a car wreck. Very focused and mature guy. My sister had the “butterflies-can-barely-talk-to-him-fairytale” relationship, and while they are very much in love, I do not envy their marriage at all.

You know, there probably isn’t one. I was just starting to feel weird that I don’t feel that extreme passion that I used to about guys I had crushes on. But that’s probably one factor that makes this better than a crush…feeling secure enough that I don’t have to pine away over a guy. **

Just make sure you’re not like the fox who said the grapes are sour when it couldn’t reach them.

 

[ambrosegirl84]

Just make sure you’re not like the fox who said the grapes are sour when it couldn’t reach them.

Hmm…not sure I understand…can you elaborate?

 

[Augusta_Sans]

But that’s probably one factor that makes this better than a crush…feeling secure enough that I don’t have to pine away over a guy.

YES. That’s exactly how I feel, and I know exactly what you’re going through. Yes, real love is better than a crush! Yes, we’re happy we feel safe and secure and we know that our mates are truly loyal and faithful. But why can’t we have butterflies-and-fireworks too?! (This is where I stomp my foot in frustration.)

1 Corinthians 13. This is the classical “love is patient, love is kind” passage that is read at almost every single wedding you’ve ever attended, and here’s the part that I am working on embracing:

When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.

I’ve realized that, for me anyway, no matter who I am with, the butterflies and fireworks will fade and I need to be thankful for the lasting substance in my marriage and put the “crush” feelings behind me, similar to how I put other “childish” things behind me. I’ve been working on putting “eternal crush” in the same box as “believing in fairies.” I’m nostalgic for my days of fairy hunting, and I’m nostalgic for my days of feeling butterflies-and-fireworks, but I’m trying to accept that those are the “childish ways” that must be put aside.

I’ve said this several times, but I’m saying it again: GOOD FOR YOU for asking these questions now and doing your soul-searching now. It’s my understanding that, no matter who you marry or how “in love” you feel early on, the “crush feeling” fades and will likely never return. The “love feeling” will come and go…but you can create an environment where it is more likely to stick around if you act lovingly toward your spouse, even when you don’t feel love. Now, in my opinion, the tricky part is finding a man whose innate goodness will inspire you to treat him with love.

 

[Abeille]

Aesop’s fable of the sour grapes.
The fox wanted some beautiful grapes hanging on a vine above his head. He tried every which way to reach them but his reach was too short. He even tried jumping to reach them, but ended up with nothing.
Upset, he walked away while saying, “Those grapes were probably sour anyway!”

My question is, do you find yourself thinking of him, during the day, while he isn’t there with you? Do you smile when/if this happens?

 

[flyingfish]

Hmm…not sure I understand…can you elaborate?

It’s one of Aesop’s fables en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Fox_and_the_Grapes.

Pretty much a fox walks by a grape vine, really wants the grapes, tries to reach them, can’t, and walks away saying to himself that the grapes are sour anyway.

So I am saying make sure that you’re not trying to justify to yourself that attraction is not needed anyway, or that not having that attraction is better anyway. I’m not saying you’re doing it, you’re the one who has to find that out.

Be honest with yourself, so that you don’t make choices you will come to regret for the rest of your life.

 

[whm]

I think that attraction is important for marriage. I don’t think that attraction necessarily comes from the physical. My wife of 14 years is always telling me I must be blind or crazy when I give her complements. But to me, she is the definition of beauty.

Op, worry about boyfriend’s weight for his health. Let go of societies standards, don’t worry what others think, they don’t matter. See if your level of attraction increases. I personally have found that abstinence (in my case during marriage) can cause you to become less affectionate over time to avoid temptation etc. which can lead to or at least appear as a lack of attraction. Luckily I’ve figured out how to be affectionate and attracted without lessening my love and attraction for the Mrs. (and without giving in to temptation)

 

[Abeille]

I think that attraction is important for marriage. I don’t think that attraction necessarily comes from the physical. My wife of 14 years is always telling me I must be blind or crazy when I give her complements. But to me, she is the definition of beauty.

Op, worry about boyfriend’s weight for his health. Let go of societies standards, don’t worry what others think, they don’t matter. See if your level of attraction increases. I personally have found that abstinence (in my case during marriage) can cause you to become less affectionate over time to avoid temptation etc. which can lead to or at least appear as a lack of attraction. Luckily I’ve figured out how to be affectionate and attracted without lessening my love and attraction for the Mrs. (and without giving in to temptation)

Why are you abstaining while in a marriage?

 

[whm]

Why are you abstaining while in a marriage?

That is a bit of a long story. There are some borderline medical concerns mixed in with some other challenges. We have communicated sufficiently on the issues involved to be relatively at peace with the situation. (is that vague enough , I don’t want to distract from the OP)

 

[Abeille]

That is a bit of a long story. There are some borderline medical concerns mixed in with some other challenges. We have communicated sufficiently on the issues involved to be relatively at peace with the situation. (is that vague enough , I don’t want to distract from the OP)

Definately; I didn’t mean to take away from her question.
If this isn’t too personal to talk about, would you be willing to move this conversation to private messages? I really am interested in learning the why and the how this works. (the practice, that is. I’m not trying to pry into your personal life.)