How important is Chemistry in finding future husband?

[pianistclare]

A good mate can laugh at themselves.
It’s the looking inward, and navel gazing that often causes trouble in a marriage.
:twocents:

 

[EasterJoy]

I guess I was thinking mainly of situations where one spouse is just too stupid or literal to get a joke.

There are a lot of marriages between people that just aren’t intellectually compatible, especially among the older generations.

(I’ve unfortunately had many opportunities to see this repeatedly and at close hand with one couple in my extended family. They obviously love each other, but she is kind of dim, and her husband often gets exasperated at her for not getting stuff. But, that’s presumably who she was when he married her–he just didn’t notice at the time.)

Here is the thing: Some people are handicapped when it comes to humor, and they know it. Should they despair of ever finding a happy marriage? By no means. Some people don’t have the looks that are going to grab someone’s attention from across the room, and *they *know it. Should they despair of ever finding a happy marriage? By no means.

Who should be passed over as marriage material, then? Someone who believes that a difficult marriage is one that ought to be abandoned. Someone who believes that a lover who is not young or beautiful cannot be a satisfying partner in mutual self-gift. I could go on and on, but I just want to say that people who are no one’s idea of the most romantic ideal actually make marriages that are a romantic idea, that do make other people who see them go, “awww…I wish our marriage were like that.” A union that is mutually patient, kind, affectionate, faithful, grateful, dedicated, and loyal doesn’t take a certain kind of face or the ability to get a punch line. I don’t want to denigrate the ability to laugh in any way, because it does help a lot in getting out of an argument or even an emergency with grace, but only say that those who lack certain gifts can more that make it up with personal generosity.

 

[Xantippe]

I think dim, humorless people ought to mostly marry other dim, humorless people.

It’s so very difficult to respect a spouse that one knows is not very smart and doesn’t “get” stuff, even if they are very, very virtuous. It’s like going for a daily walk with a person that only walks half as fast as you do, but it goes on all the time that you’re awake and together. (See, for example, Mr. Norris in Pride and Prejudice, as an example of the stupid, humorless person. Or Mrs. Bennet, for that matter.)

I could not have married a stupid man. Other people are free to scoop up the stupid guys–I didn’t want one. People regularly say that my husband is the smartest person they’ve ever met, and I enjoy that a lot!

And this all relates to chemistry–at least for me, intellect and humor are very, very sexy.

Here is the thing: Some people are handicapped when it comes to humor, and they know it. Should they despair of ever finding a happy marriage? By no means. Some people don’t have the looks that are going to grab someone’s attention from across the room, and *they *know it. Should they despair of ever finding a happy marriage? By no means.

Who should be passed over as marriage material, then? Someone who believes that a difficult marriage is one that ought to be abandoned. Someone who believes that a lover who is not young or beautiful cannot be a satisfying partner in mutual self-gift. I could go on and on, but I just want to say that people who are no one’s idea of the most romantic ideal actually make marriages that are a romantic idea, that do make other people who see them go, “awww…I wish our marriage were like that.” A union that is mutually patient, kind, affectionate, faithful, grateful, dedicated, and loyal doesn’t take a certain kind of face or the ability to get a punch line. I don’t want to denigrate the ability to laugh in any way, because it does help a lot in getting out of an argument or even an emergency with grace, but only say that those who lack certain gifts can more that make it up with personal generosity.

 

[EasterJoy]

I think dim, humorless people ought to mostly marry other dim, humorless people.

It’s so very difficult to respect a spouse that one knows is not very smart and doesn’t “get” stuff, even if they are very, very virtuous. It’s like going for a daily walk with a person that only walks half as fast as you do, but it goes on all the time that you’re awake and together. (See, for example, Mr. Norris in Pride and Prejudice, as an example of the stupid, humorless person. Or Mrs. Bennet, for that matter.)

I could not have married a stupid man. Other people are free to scoop up the stupid guys–I didn’t want one. People regularly say that my husband is the smartest person they’ve ever met, and I enjoy that a lot!

And this all relates to chemistry–at least for me, intellect and humor are very, very sexy.

Sometimes the people who don’t laugh at our jokes don’t laugh because our humor is over their intelligence level, true. Sometimes, however, they don’t laugh because our humor is beneath them or simply misses the kind of incongruence that they find funny.

I would never conclude that someone is witless because they didn’t laugh at my jokes, let alone that I could not enjoy their company. I just know too many exceptions to that, too. Some extremely bright people are quite serious or have a dry sense of humor that is not on a hair trigger. That doesn’t mean they aren’t kind, charitable, or warm. They just don’t joke around a lot.

Having said that, there are those who don’t really trust anyone who doesn’t laugh at the same things and those who can. It pays to know which group you are in before you marry someone who does not laugh at your jokes. It also pays to know whether or not you know when your would-be spouse has had enough and the jokes need to stop. We all have our own set of non-negotiables, and there is no shame in that. We do well to learn what those are and admit what those are before we say, “I do.”

Is there any temperament that cannot be happily married? Certainly people who aren’t given to joking around can do it, given the right match. Likewise, sometimes simple people find it easier to give and receive love than those who are too clever for their own good or who overthink their relationships.

As the old lady said, “There’s not a straggly horse out there but that you can find a straggly bush to tie him to.”

 

[Sarcelle]

I think dim, humorless people ought to mostly marry other dim, humorless people.

It’s so very difficult to respect a spouse that one knows is not very smart and doesn’t “get” stuff, even if they are very, very virtuous. It’s like going for a daily walk with a person that only walks half as fast as you do, but it goes on all the time that you’re awake and together. (See, for example, Mr. Norris in Pride and Prejudice, as an example of the stupid, humorless person. Or Mrs. Bennet, for that matter.)

I could not have married a stupid man. Other people are free to scoop up the stupid guys–I didn’t want one. People regularly say that my husband is the smartest person they’ve ever met, and I enjoy that a lot!

And this all relates to chemistry–at least for me, intellect and humor are very, very sexy.

I typically like the dry British humor. When people employ sarcasm in their humor, it goes over my head.
I sometimes have problems spotting sarcasm from people. I think it may be my Aspergers.

 

[Xantippe]

There’s a lot of humor that I would not enjoy in my home, but my husband makes me laugh and my husband obviously thinks I am funny. And my kids are starting to crack me up, too.

It’s definitely our house brand of humor and probably not other people’s cup of tea (not “joking around”), but it just makes me sad to imagine being married to somebody that didn’t “get” me or my husband being married to somebody that didn’t “get” him.

Love requires understanding and appreciating, and if we don’t understand or appreciate others fully, do we really love them fully?

Sometimes the people who don’t laugh at our jokes don’t laugh because our humor is over their intelligence level, true. Sometimes, however, they don’t laugh because our humor is beneath them or simply misses the kind of incongruence that they find funny.

I would never conclude that someone is witless because they didn’t laugh at my jokes, let alone that I could not enjoy their company. I just know too many exceptions to that, too. Some extremely bright people are quite serious or have a dry sense of humor that is not on a hair trigger. That doesn’t mean they aren’t kind, charitable, or warm. They just don’t joke around a lot.

Having said that, there are those who don’t really trust anyone who doesn’t laugh at the same things and those who can. It pays to know which group you are in before you marry someone who does not laugh at your jokes. It also pays to know whether or not you know when your would-be spouse has had enough and the jokes need to stop. We all have our own set of non-negotiables, and there is no shame in that. We do well to learn what those are and admit what those are before we say, “I do.”

Is there any temperament that cannot be happily married? Certainly people who aren’t given to joking around can do it, given the right match. Likewise, sometimes simple people find it easier to give and receive love than those who are too clever for their own good or who overthink their relationships.

As the old lady said, “There’s not a straggly horse out there but that you can find a straggly bush to tie him to.”

 

[EasterJoy]

There’s a lot of humor that I would not enjoy in my home, but my husband makes me laugh and my husband obviously thinks I am funny. And my kids are starting to crack me up, too.

It’s definitely our house brand of humor and probably not other people’s cup of tea (not “joking around”), but it just makes me sad to imagine being married to somebody that didn’t “get” me or my husband being married to somebody that didn’t “get” him.

Love requires understanding and appreciating, and if we don’t understand or appreciate others fully, do we really love them fully?

Do not get me wrong! A shared sense of humor is one of the factors that makes marital conflict and divorce less likely. I am only saying that someone who does not joke around can still have a satisfying marriage–only probably not to you! That’s OK. You’re happily married, you don’t have to find anyone else! If it doesn’t bother someone else that her would-be-spouse does not get her jokes, and especially if she doesn’t find it all that flattering when someone does, then laughing at the same kinds of jokes isn’t a non-negotiable factor in forging a good marriage, that is all I’m saying.

I am also saying that yes, serious-minded people can understand others, appreciate others, and love others just as fully as people who laugh more. Serious people should not despair of having happy and peaceful marriages. Those not given to witticisms certainly should not be written off as dull-witted. They should just avoid marrying someone who does not feel truly loved except by those people who laugh at her jokes. That would be a mistake. A person who needs to have her humor recognized in order to feel understood is very vulnerable to ingratitude, resentment, and resistance to other means her spouse has for showing affection. She is vulnerable to infidelity when she finally finds someone else who offers her little else but the willingness to laugh at her jokes. These things should be given the weight they deserve, but it depends on the persons we’re talking about.

 

[MarkInOregon]

1. Having compatible senses of humor (or non-humor) is essential to a happy joint life. Is there anything sadder than one spouse making an uproariously funny joke–that flies right over the head of the other? If that were to be a routine part of married life, it would be a real tragedy.

I can think of many sadder things. Perhaps – referring to this as a real tragedy is one of them.

The peace of Christ,
Mark

 

[Xantippe]

I can think of many sadder things. Perhaps – referring to this as a real tragedy is one of them.

The peace of Christ,
Mark

Having a spouse that doesn’t understand you or appreciate you is tragic.

 

[ToeInTheWater]

Having a spouse that doesn’t understand you or appreciate you is tragic.

Xantippe, I think perhaps you’re doing what many CAFers do in Family Life topics – assuming that what holds true for your own marriage situation, is what applies to ALL marriages.

Okay, so to you, a shared sense of humor is essential, and you see a lack of this, to be a sign that the spouse doesn’t understand or appreciate the other person at all. I don’t think this is necessarily the case, though.

And while this is obviously true for you – I think it’s reaching to suggest this is true for all people who have a marriage vocation, and that a shared sense of humor is a pre-requisite for all successful marriages.

I say this as someone who actually tends not to be attracted to men who don’t have a sense of humor that is similar to mine.

However, I also have never been attracted to a man whose voice I did not find to be alluring in some way. That’s been the case as early as middle and high school, when I was one of those “arts and chorus” types, and most of the guys I’d crush on back then were those in chorus with me. (I can really only think of one guy who wasn’t, but he also had a very distinctive, interesting voice – he actually has a job on TV now.)

Yet, I certainly wouldn’t dream of stating “it would be a tragedy to marry someone whose voice is so horrible they’d be laughed off the stage on American Idol” or something.

I also feel the same way about the idea that a spouse HAS to be your “best friend”. Yes, many spouses have that “best friends” relationship, but not all do. Indeed, it seems most of the time, the man sees the wife as his best friend, but the wife often sees the husband as just one of her best friends. I also know a man whose best friend is definitely NOT his wife. Traditionally, men and women had “separate spheres” and weren’t meant to be friends at all.

So, I personally have no preference about this, and I wouldn’t ever state “it would be a tragedy not to marry your best friend”.

 

[ToeInTheWater]

I am also saying that yes, serious-minded people can understand others, appreciate others, and love others just as fully as people who laugh more. Serious people should not despair of having happy and peaceful marriages. Those not given to witticisms certainly should not be written off as dull-witted.

Sorry again for double-posting but the multiquote feature seems to have gone away, at least for me. Anyway, I do agree that “unfunny” is not the same “dull” or “stupid”, indeed, the usual stereotypes are that “nerds” and “geeks” might be great at, say, computer programming, quantum mechanics, etc., but are socially awkward and “dull” in the “boring” sense, but certainly not the “stupid” sense.

Also, personally while I do appreciate a sense of humor in a man, I think there can certainly be such a thing as too much of a good thing. I’ve met men who seem to think they are living in a sitcom, and are constantly cracking jokes, and seem to have only two facial expressions, either smirking or sneering at life. Such men come across as very immature.

They should just avoid marrying someone who does not feel truly loved except by those people who laugh at her jokes. That would be a mistake. A person who needs to have her humor recognized in order to feel understood is very vulnerable to ingratitude, resentment, and resistance to other means her spouse has for showing affection. She is vulnerable to infidelity when she finally finds someone else who offers her little else but the willingness to laugh at her jokes. These things should be given the weight they deserve, but it depends on the persons we’re talking about.

EasterJoy, I am curious, do you buy into the “Five Love Languages” concept? Parts of the book seem a little too simplistic, especially the sequels to the first book that try to expand the concept beyond the spousal relationship, and I think that “understanding yours and their Love Language” is far from a cure-all to troubled relationships the way the author often seems to imply. However, I certainly think the idea that there is NOT one universal way to show and receive love is solid.

 

[EasterJoy]

Having a spouse that doesn’t understand you or appreciate you is tragic.

Well…kind of. I will give an example.

I know of couples in which one (almost always–OK, always–the husband) is excessively enamored with puns. Even when his wife considers this a social fault, they get beyond it. There is more than one way to have a sense of humor. Not taking it as a tragedy when your spouse does not appreciate all the things about you that satisfy you the most is one of them. Sometimes it is the humorist who needs to get grounded and have a sense of humor about himself.

Actually, sometimes *exactly what we need *is spouse who can tell us that there is a reason that the rest of the world doesn’t appreciate our outrageously funny sense of humor as much as we think they ought to. If our spouse can let us know we’re being a bit self-centered, that is a good thing. The thirst for universal “validation” is highly overrated!

 

[EasterJoy]

EasterJoy, I am curious, do you buy into the “Five Love Languages” concept? Parts of the book seem a little too simplistic, especially the sequels to the first book that try to expand the concept beyond the spousal relationship, and I think that “understanding yours and their Love Language” is far from a cure-all to troubled relationships the way the author often seems to imply. However, I certainly think the idea that there is NOT one universal way to show and receive love is solid.

I don’t think there are only five “love languages,” but the concept of the book has proven to be a useful eye-opener for many couples. Some people, which probably includes the author, are far better at appreciating the many ways that others show affection than others. Understanding intellectually how something is meant, however, does not automatically translate into an ability to mark certain deeds as positives in the “emotional bank account” we have with someone else.

For instance, if a bird marries a cat, is the bird ever going to “appreciate” the cat’s habit of bringing dead mice to the bird as a show of affection? Is the bird going to get used to the cat consuming the mice in front of her, while the cat says, “Sure you don’t want some of this? This is a little one–really good eating!” I kind of doubt that, don’t you? Sometimes, this “appreciation” has to come from a little farther away than within a marriage. Other times, shows of affection are endured and the better part would be to figure out how to gently eliminate them.

 

[ToeInTheWater]

Well…kind of. I will give an example.

I know of couples in which one (almost always–OK, always–the husband) is excessively enamored with puns. Even when his wife considers this a social fault, they get beyond it. There is more than one way to have a sense of humor. Not taking it as a tragedy when your spouse does not appreciate all the things about you that satisfy you the most is one of them. Sometimes it is the humorist who needs to get grounded and have a sense of humor about himself.

I can think of a married couple like this, too. I don’t know exactly how long they have been married but it’s at least 20 years. The husband is notorious in his social circle for cracking really bad jokes, mostly pun-based, that leave everyone cold, including his wife. On the other hand, the wife has an obsession with “cute” stuffed animals that fill their house, the husband doesn’t share this at all but does tolerate it in a bemused way.

So I guess for some people this marriage would be a “tragedy”, but though they both have quirks, they seem to mostly understand each other and get along. They have no children and while I’m not sure if that’s by choice or not, but it seems some of their eccentricities might be related to that. (ETA: And of course for many people, a marriage not “blessed” with children would also be a “tragedy” but I doubt they think so.)

 

[MarkInOregon]

Having a spouse that doesn’t understand you or appreciate you is tragic.

That’s not what you said in the post that I was responding to–so that thought or statement in not what I was responding to. I was responding to the idea that there is nothing sadder than making an uproariously funny joke - that flies right over the head of the other spouse.

Not being able to find work, not being able to put enough food on the table to feed your children, being injured and ending up addicted to pain medication, losing a child, coming home and telling your family that you have a brain tumor – these are just a few things that I think are much sadder.

While my wife and I share much humor – there are also many things she finds uproariously funny that I don’t find to be all that funny (Lucile Ball comes to mind) and things that I find funny that she doesn’t. There is, however, an overlap–I know what she’ll find funny and she knows what I will find funny. The fact that she finds Lucile Ball funny and I don’t–doesn’t mean that I don’t understand her or appreciate her and her gifts nor does it mean that I can’t demonstrate it to her.

I guess what I have come to see as essential to a happy life (joint or single) – is my attitude, my response to life – a response that I hope is grounded in my faith. As a read about early Christians I see a joy and a peace in them regardless of their circumstances–that’s what I want and it is what our faith should give us.

I think at times we over think what is important – I know I have been and still am guilty of this. I have made the stupidest of things important and let them affect my happiness. Truth is we all need a lot less to be happy than we think we do.

The peace of Christ,
Mark

 

[EasterJoy]

I can think of a married couple like this, too. I don’t know exactly how long they have been married but it’s at least 20 years. The husband is notorious in his social circle for cracking really bad jokes, mostly pun-based, that leave everyone cold, including his wife. On the other hand, the wife has an obsession with “cute” stuffed animals that fill their house, the husband doesn’t share this at all but does tolerate it in a bemused way.

So I guess for some people this marriage would be a “tragedy”, but though they both have quirks, they seem to mostly understand each other and get along. They have no children and while I’m not sure if that’s by choice or not, but it seems some of their eccentricities might be related to that. (ETA: And of course for many people, a marriage not “blessed” with children would also be a “tragedy” but I doubt they think so.)

I also think it is good to take tolerance of our pet faults as a sign of natural affection, rather than as a tragedy. I would not grow very well if my husband encouraged all the personal faults that I already enjoy too much as it is!

I know of couples who avoid children because the more responsible spouse thinks the less responsible spouse would be a disaster with children–not just bad, but a disaster, an affliction on the child. The wife, as an adult, can tolerate these immaturities, but she finds them serious enough to preclude trying for children for the time being. I cannot fault her and her husband for recognizing that. Better late than never.

I also know of couples in which one has a certifiable talent that the other doesn’t appreciate very much. It is possible to look past this, when there are other things that are appreciated. Yes, your spouse has to appreciate a good many things about you, but it isn’t an automatic deal-breaker when they don’t appreciate everything. That is something for each person contemplating marriage to decide for himself or herself. (And yes, I think the expectation that anyone, including your spouse, ought to approve everything about you is immature. Even our mothers ought to drop that eventually. )