I’m with Dr. Who on this one!!!
I am dating a man I hope to marry and I decided to be brave and tell him from the outset that I am a Catholic and as such, would not be having sex with him, unless we were married…and waited for him to run away!
Fortunately, he stayed and we are still extremely happy.
When we first met, I wasn’t instantly attracted to him, but I did think he had a very kind face and a lovely way of dealing with people. I’d always liked him a lot as a friend and also had a great deal of respect for him, but never felt any kind of overpowering lust.
The turning point came for me when it suddenly dawned on me that being in his company was as easy for me and being by myself. I didn’t feel ‘on edge’, nor did I feel any kind of ‘will he / won’t he’ suspense that you get when you are with someone who is constantly dropping ambiguous hints about how he feels (or you are so so besotted, you start interpreting even the most mundane utterances as ambiguous hints about your future together
)
Gradually, I began to re-evaluate the feelings I’d had for the men I had fancied myself in love with and what it was that made me feel such strong physical attraction to them and the results were, to say the least. surprising and more than a little embarassing. However, since I live a few thousand miles away from most of you guys and am using a User-Name, I’m going to share this…
I was lonely
, clutching at straws and additcted to the thrill of the chase! I was making men the objects of my lust and in between actually seeing them and speaking to them (and when I say ‘speaking’ I mean gabbling, blushing and staring at the ground - or biting their heads off or treating them to a fine display of sarcasm, just to ‘prove’ I wasn’t interested at all!) I was letting my imagination run riot and playing out all sorts of silly scenarios in my head, about when we would finally get it together.
We are fed on a diet of fairytales and romantic fiction that suggests there is always some obstacle to overcome; some dragon to be slain before true lovers can be united. In this age of mixed up gender roles, us girls are expected to be the dragon-slayers ourselves one minute and demure little princesses the next! No wonder I was confused!
Coupled to all that, relationships never lasted too long, because I never actually picked men who could comprehend the point of waiting until after marriage for sexual intercourse - which meant I usually bottled it after 2 or 3 dates - called the whole thing off rather than discuss it and then spent the next 6 months or so, desperatley trying to ‘win’ them back! Talk about wasting everyone’s time!
So, because the man I am with now never made a secret of his attraction to me and has always been straight and up front about how he feels, I am never left feeling lost, confused…or elated by the challenge! Instead of feeling like the rug had been pulled from under my feet each time he walks through the door, I feel as though the rug has just been put back! Actually, that’s a much, much nicer feeling.
Just once, I got really cold feet and started to question, just as the OP is doing - why I was with him. Shouldn’t I leave him and allow him to meet a woman who does feel like the room is spinning when he walks in? Was I being fair? I told him my concerns and he drove round immediately.
As soon as I saw him at the door and the expression on his face, it dawned on me what I had nearly thrown away - all because I wasn’t used to experiencing happiness, love and security from a man. I’ve never felt uncertain about the relationship since.
The physical attraction has grown, but it does feel different from the sort of blind panic / exhilleration I’ve felt with other men in the past. However, I could easily replicate that feeling by jumping off a cliff
The kind of attraction I experience now is based on shared respect and understanding and it’s underpinned with the comfort of security, as opposed to the thrill of uncertainty. Of course it feels different - but actually, I prefer it!
Another significant event was a coffee with an old school friend. She asked how things were going and I confided that at fist I wasn’t sure, because he seemed so certain and I just couldn’t see what he saw in me. She asked, “why do you not think you deserve to be loved? You will never know exactly why he loves you - you just need to start accepting that he does!”
Most importantly, unlike all the other men I’ve been in relationships with, this one inspires me to be a better person and he says I do the same for him. This means our relationship just isn’t defined by sex. We know we have the attraction there now, but it’s all about giving to one another and not about me or him focussing on what a thrill it is for ourselves.
I’ve no worries about the wedding night at all! In fact, we have joked about not bothering with an evening party, so we can do things the really, proper, old fashioned way and get off on honeymoon immediately after the cake is cut
), and other people just don’t. I actually know couples that have very low sexual attraction, have had sex in decades (so they tell me), yet have very stable marriages.