How important is sexual attraction in marriage?

[ValPal]

I’m with Dr. Who on this one!!!

I am dating a man I hope to marry and I decided to be brave and tell him from the outset that I am a Catholic and as such, would not be having sex with him, unless we were married…and waited for him to run away!

Fortunately, he stayed and we are still extremely happy.

I am reminded of one of the secretaries that worked in our office. She was a Jehovah’s Witness, and she was also a quiet person. So she goes out on a date. She tells her date (also a JW) that if he’s not considering marrying her that she’s not wasting her time, and that she’s not having sex with him until they’re married. They’ve been happily married for over a decade.

 

[Nom_the_Wise]

A woman doesn’t need to be “conventionally” beautiful for me to be interested in her. She does have to enjoy reading my writing, which makes her turn exquisitely gorgeous. I’m not being prideful or anything, but flattery of my art will cause me to have a crush at the very least.

 

[Lady_Love]

Rose,

You are the reply I have been waiting for. I love you! Exactly my experiences.

 

[bri89]

I think all romantic love is grounded in physical desire and remains rooted in that no matter if it develops into something more. If this is the kind of love you are seeking out then you will probably find yourself having a series of love affairs. This is the norm in our western culture. I’ve been “in love” many times, but never did it seem advisable to marry any of these people or even pursue a relationship. I knew what I was experiencing was probably ephemeral. I think intense burning passion is antithetical to long term commitment. I think it’s very rare, perhaps impossible, that you find intense romantic passion and self-less spiritual love with the same person because those traits are inimical to each other. Passion is essentially selfish, possessive, and ephemeral, and spiritual love is selfless, committed, lasting, and puts the other person’s well being above all else. When I think of lifelong commitment, like interests, and a deep spiritual bond I can not imagine having that with any of the people I’ve been mad for. One is grounded in the deepest sober-minded respect, and the other in fancy and eros. But that is just my experience. I’m still young and have never married so maybe it’s possible to find both with the same person though I think it must be extremely rare.

 

[parable1]

i myself have been married twice first annuled. But both times it was a physical and mind attraction. I think all men dont care what they say marry because they are sexually attracted to women and if we are going to spend a lifetime them it has to be!

 

[witsend]

Very.

I have none. Absolutely not one ounce. I expected it to come after marriage. It didn’t.

 

[TriciaF]

My personal opinion is that the ‘chemistry’ wears off after a while - so the facts that isn’t there from the beginning isn’t too important, and may be a good thing depending on the personalities.

My opinion also that this often happens and then some people think they’ve fallen out of love and want to abandon the marriage, but the real truth is that genuine mutual love is what is intended to carry us through marriage, even when attraction waxes or wanes.
Love is about choices when we feel flat as well as warm feelings and/or attraction.

 

[SusanneT]

I’m with Dr. Who on this one!!!

I am dating a man I hope to marry and I decided to be brave and tell him from the outset that I am a Catholic and as such, would not be having sex with him, unless we were married…and waited for him to run away!

Fortunately, he stayed and we are still extremely happy.

When we first met, I wasn’t instantly attracted to him, but I did think he had a very kind face and a lovely way of dealing with people. I’d always liked him a lot as a friend and also had a great deal of respect for him, but never felt any kind of overpowering lust.

The turning point came for me when it suddenly dawned on me that being in his company was as easy for me and being by myself. I didn’t feel ‘on edge’, nor did I feel any kind of ‘will he / won’t he’ suspense that you get when you are with someone who is constantly dropping ambiguous hints about how he feels (or you are so so besotted, you start interpreting even the most mundane utterances as ambiguous hints about your future together )

Gradually, I began to re-evaluate the feelings I’d had for the men I had fancied myself in love with and what it was that made me feel such strong physical attraction to them and the results were, to say the least. surprising and more than a little embarassing. However, since I live a few thousand miles away from most of you guys and am using a User-Name, I’m going to share this…

I was lonely , clutching at straws and additcted to the thrill of the chase! I was making men the objects of my lust and in between actually seeing them and speaking to them (and when I say ‘speaking’ I mean gabbling, blushing and staring at the ground - or biting their heads off or treating them to a fine display of sarcasm, just to ‘prove’ I wasn’t interested at all!) I was letting my imagination run riot and playing out all sorts of silly scenarios in my head, about when we would finally get it together.

We are fed on a diet of fairytales and romantic fiction that suggests there is always some obstacle to overcome; some dragon to be slain before true lovers can be united. In this age of mixed up gender roles, us girls are expected to be the dragon-slayers ourselves one minute and demure little princesses the next! No wonder I was confused!

Coupled to all that, relationships never lasted too long, because I never actually picked men who could comprehend the point of waiting until after marriage for sexual intercourse - which meant I usually bottled it after 2 or 3 dates - called the whole thing off rather than discuss it and then spent the next 6 months or so, desperatley trying to ‘win’ them back! Talk about wasting everyone’s time!

So, because the man I am with now never made a secret of his attraction to me and has always been straight and up front about how he feels, I am never left feeling lost, confused…or elated by the challenge! Instead of feeling like the rug had been pulled from under my feet each time he walks through the door, I feel as though the rug has just been put back! Actually, that’s a much, much nicer feeling.

Just once, I got really cold feet and started to question, just as the OP is doing - why I was with him. Shouldn’t I leave him and allow him to meet a woman who does feel like the room is spinning when he walks in? Was I being fair? I told him my concerns and he drove round immediately.

As soon as I saw him at the door and the expression on his face, it dawned on me what I had nearly thrown away - all because I wasn’t used to experiencing happiness, love and security from a man. I’ve never felt uncertain about the relationship since.

The physical attraction has grown, but it does feel different from the sort of blind panic / exhilleration I’ve felt with other men in the past. However, I could easily replicate that feeling by jumping off a cliff The kind of attraction I experience now is based on shared respect and understanding and it’s underpinned with the comfort of security, as opposed to the thrill of uncertainty. Of course it feels different - but actually, I prefer it!

Another significant event was a coffee with an old school friend. She asked how things were going and I confided that at fist I wasn’t sure, because he seemed so certain and I just couldn’t see what he saw in me. She asked, “why do you not think you deserve to be loved? You will never know exactly why he loves you - you just need to start accepting that he does!”

Most importantly, unlike all the other men I’ve been in relationships with, this one inspires me to be a better person and he says I do the same for him. This means our relationship just isn’t defined by sex. We know we have the attraction there now, but it’s all about giving to one another and not about me or him focussing on what a thrill it is for ourselves.

I’ve no worries about the wedding night at all! In fact, we have joked about not bothering with an evening party, so we can do things the really, proper, old fashioned way and get off on honeymoon immediately after the cake is cut

I thought this was a lovely thoughtful post - thanks.

In answere to the OP’s question - I think physical attraction is pretty essential to marriage, but I wouldn’t call it ‘sexual attraction’ - that’s just a narrow part of something much wider.

 

[fpt]

Yes. You don’t have to marry the person you’d vote as “Most Gorgeous I Could Have Hoped to Marry”, but you do want to choose someone who garners enough passion and affection from you that the prospect of a regular sexual relationship seems like something you’d enjoy, and the “marital debt” an “obligation” you will look forward to meeting. If it seems that sex is going to be an obligation in the worst sense of the word from the wedding night onward, don’t do it. As I believe Fr. Ron Rolheiser put it, based on his work counselling married couples, probably the only thing worse than being lonely in a bed by yourself is finding yourself lonely in a bed with someone else.

What is sexual attraction in marriage? I am asking this question because, in our relativist world, the defintion of each words I mean the objective and realistic acception of the definition is very important.

 

[fpt]

What is sexual attraction in marriage? I am asking this question because, in our relativist world, the definition of each word I mean the objective and realistic acception of the definition is very important.

Sorry, I made a mistake, I didn’t wish to quote and to comment this post.

 

[fpt]

**A question for catholic people who were not practicing premarital sex **(no sex before marriage):

Before your marriage during the period of engagement, did you talk very freely, in the details, of your points of view concerning:

The intimate acts (before, after and during the union of bodies); Your personal expectations on them: your desires, your needs, your wishes , your wills on the notion of sexual harmony within your future couple,
The conjugal moral of marital act, in general;
The physical tenderness without orgasm;
The types of unnatural acts;

 

[ATeutonicKnight]

I’m honestly unsure of this one. My inclination is to say that yes, some attraction is important but it will come after the wedding, but according to my sister there is no such thing as an attractive man. She thinks all men are ugly, and yet she is getting married on November 3rd.

 

[Groo]

**A question for catholic people who were not practicing premarital sex **(no sex before marriage):

Before your marriage during the period of engagement, did you talk very freely, in the details, of your points of view concerning:

The intimate acts (before, after and during the union of bodies); Your personal expectations on them: your desires, your needs, your wishes , your wills on the notion of sexual harmony within your future couple,
The conjugal moral of marital act, in general;
The physical tenderness without orgasm;
The types of unnatural acts;

I am just wondering, what is the point of this kind of discussion?

 

[fpt]

I am just wondering, what is the point of this kind of discussion?

I wished only to know if it was easy, uneasy, very difficult…etc for catholic fiancés very respectful of the doctrine " no sex before the marriage" to talk between them about their future intimate conjugal life.

Difficult:
Very difficult:
Natural and normal:
Easy:
uneasy:
unnatural:
too dangerous:
etc.

In function of your experience, what is the general mentality of this type of catholics on this very intimate topic?

 

[EasterJoy]

What is sexual attraction in marriage? I am asking this question because, in our relativist world, the defintion of each words I mean the objective and realistic acception of the definition is very important.

*Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken.
Love’s not Time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle’s compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved. *

Shakespeaere, Sonnet 116

There you are…he nailed it, right there. That is what you need to know about how important sexual attraction is in marriage: Let not the marriage of true minds admit impediments…those impediments do not just evaporate on their own.

 

[thewanderer]

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
*O no! it is an ever-fixed mark *
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken.
*Love’s not Time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks *
*Within his bending sickle’s compass come: *
*Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, *
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
*I never writ, nor no man ever loved. *

Shakespeaere, Sonnet 116

There you are…he nailed it, right there. That is what you need to know about how important sexual attraction is in marriage.