How important is sharing the faith with your SO?

[LoveJesus13]

Hi CAF family, I would like to get some advice and support for my current situation. I have been back and forth with my bf for awhile. We’ve broken up for different reasons: communication, lack of trust, honesty, etc… He isn’t a horrible guy, in fact I will start with the positives. We prayed regularly together, went to mass and tried to go daily after work, participated in church events, we really have tried our best to put the faith and God as the central focus. We laugh, enjoy our times together, pretty much it is our faith that we have the most in common, which for I have been grateful. The things that we don’t have in common are how we see communication with others. He is very out there with his life, talks to many people, always on his phone, has many things going on. The problem came in the beg of our rel when he, the talkative person that he is, shared things with another female friend. These are things about our relationship, being mad at me, our fights, etc. He told me he stopped doing it (bc I asked him to) then he lied which I found out later, and eventually has really hurt me, I consider it betrayal bc I felt he shared a lot w/ this person, whether he liked her or not, he kept it from me.

Now as I thought we were putting back the pieces, I realize that what happened has become the cause of our stagnation, our relationship is weak, we fight constantly (we both are big with not letting go esp. for a man who is in his late 30s he’s quite argumentative) , and we don’t seem to remember the good about our relationship which is our faith, mass attendance, prayer, etc. My question is, sharing the faith with your SO, is this a key component to making a rel work? I get depressed thinking about that female friend bc one, she knew what happened and she still wants to hang out with him and second, I feel that he had a lack of respect for me since all of this happened really early.

I have read here where some have asked God for their spouses or SOs to have a solid faith relationship with them, and that’s what I have. I also love him and I prayed to God for someone who loves to pray and attend mass. But I think God also gave me the bf who lies (I know we all lie but what he lied about is hard for me to get over), who doesn’t see when I’m hurting and who changes things to make it seem it’s my fault.

I have been crying more often because a part of me says I deserve better but then I realize that I haven’t really met a guy who likes to pray and attend daily mass. I’m scared I may not meet another guy with whom I have the same connection. He is the only one I know who does this and likes to do it with me. But if I stay, I will have this lingering thought about the lying, the female friends, etc. I have a fear of being cheated on emotionally the pain is unbearable. If I stay **how do I forget about past hurt? **I love this man and sharing the faith is so important to me. What is God is saying in all of this? Why does this feel so hard? And why is my heart breaking all over again?

Prayers and advice are appreciated, thank you.

 

[Della]

There are other fish in the sea, my dear. Look elsewhere. If he is lying now he will not stop lying if you were to marry. In fact, it may get worse. And if he feels free to talk to another woman about your relationship, that doesn’t look good, either. At his age he should know better. That he doesn’t speaks volumes about his lack of maturity and commitment.

Going to Mass and praying together is fine, but it’s not enough to build a relationship on if he feels free to ignore your needs and blows you off by making everything your fault. “Missionary dating” is always a bad idea–so, don’t do it.

Before you can have a solid relationship with any man you need to be sure about who and what you are, what you want, and what you will not put up with. No man who lies is ever to be trusted. Move on. There are Catholic dating websites–you may want to look into one of those. Don’t feel desperate enough to marry the wrong person and have to pay for it later on, especially after children are involved. Be wise as a serpent about marriage–think with you head not just your heart. It’s easy to “fall in love” it’s not so easy to go through a divorce.

 

[AKDee]

I have to agree with Della. There are many Godly men out there. This guy may go to Church with you and pray with you, but he doesn’t give you the basic respect of not sharing intimate details of your relationship with another woman. He shouldn’t be doing that period, not just because you asked him to stop. The fact that he continued after being asked to stop and lied about it to you is no good. As they say, he talks the talk but isn’t walking the walk.

In any case, to answer your question I do think it’s important to share faith with your SO although not required. It’s obviously helpful as you can strengthen each other in the faith. And it will take some of the conflict away. But my SO is agnostic and my hope is that through me he may come to Christ, eventually. The critical part is that he respects my beliefs and allows me to participate in my faith with no criticism. It’s based on mutual respect- he knows I feel it’s important to go to Confession and to go to Mass. I, in turn, tell him what my weekend availability will be (and will even switch which Mass I attend) if that helps him to make plans for us to do an activity important to him.

 

[Horton]

I believe have a faith connection with the person you hope to marry is critical to the success of the marriage. I know there are many people who marry outside their faith and make it work but it is difficult. That being said, there needs to be far more than a faith connection to make a marriage. This man has lied to you, has not been respectful of your wishes regarding female friends, and has lost your trust.

Run and run fast. I wasted 5 1/2 years of my life on a man like this. He actually introduced me to the Catholic Church. He went to Mass every Sunday but that was the extent of his practice of faith. Coming from a protestant background where faith means going to church on Sunday I didn’t question it too much. Once I started RCIA and started to learn the Catholic faith I realized being Catholic meant something completely different.

Our relationship ended even before I finished RCIA. I loved my new found faith and wanted to live it. For me this meant no dating until our prior marriage cases were determined, no more sexual relations, no more acting as a couple, no thoughts of living together before marriage, no more committing numerous mortal sins during the week and then adding to it by receiving the Eucharist without the sacrament of reconciliation (I didn’t receive until confirmation). When I explained how I felt, well the relationship ended and found someone else who didn’t know much about the Catholic faith…and so it goes.

Moral of the story. I found my home in the Catholic Church, love and live my faith, and am much better off now than I was several years ago. If I marry again it will be a Catholic man only and someone I can love & live mu faith with.

 

[LoveJesus13]

Thank you Horton, AKDee and Della for your responses but what if things change and these situations improve?

Horton: you said,

He went to mass every Sunday but that was the extent of hos practice of faith

My SO is very involved in the church except he just doesn’t know how to be in a committed relationship. I’ve said goodbye before and he doesn’t say it. He is very passive and wants us to both work on the relationship, hence the confusion for me.

Is there a way, if I stay to forget the past?

 

[Miss_Felicity]

It was never a huge priority for me that a significant share my faith, my only non negotiable was the he believe in God, practice a faith and be cultivating a relationship with God. That said it doesn’t seem you and your boyfriend are a good fit for each other. It can be hard to let go of a person who may be otherwise good or who seems like the good and bad traits weigh “evenly” If I were you, I would start taking some time to consider my options, this may work best if you take some time away from your S.O with a clear head.

 

[Horton]

Thank you Horton, AKDee and Della for your responses but what if things change and these situations improve?

Horton: you said, My SO is very involved in the church except he just doesn’t know how to be in a committed relationship. I’ve said goodbye before and he doesn’t say it. He is very passive and wants us to both work on the relationship, hence the confusion for me.

Is there a way, if I stay to forget the past?

The past can be forgiven. I forgave him more times than I can count but the lies, the lack of respect, the cheating (in our case) was too hard to forget. To have a life of faith I had to live without him.

Anything is possible with God but God’s plan for your life my not be what you think it is. Spend some time in prayer without your SO. Take the time to hear what God is telling you.

 

[1ke]

Yes, sharing your faith is the most important thing in the foundation of a relationship.

But it’s not the only thing. And it certainly cannot overcome other, real problems. You have to have the foundation AND other things as well, not just the foundation of the Faith.

 

[Della]

Thank you Horton, AKDee and Della for your responses but what if things change and these situations improve?

Horton: you said, My SO is very involved in the church except he just doesn’t know how to be in a committed relationship. I’ve said goodbye before and he doesn’t say it. He is very passive and wants us to both work on the relationship, hence the confusion for me.

Is there a way, if I stay to forget the past?

I think you are grasping at straws with this idea, my dear. Men don’t change. I’ve been married for 30+ years and my dh is the same person he was when we married. If the guy you’ve been seeing can’t be faithful and honest now, he certainly won’t be in marriage. Once he “has” you he’ll feel that he can do whatever he wants and you can’t object. This guy isn’t for you, or any other sensible person. He doesn’t love you, he’s using you. Don’t let lonliness and/or the fear of lonliness drive you to make a huge mistake. :console: Move on and forget him. His fate is in God’s hands, not yours. Find a good man who will love you too much to disrespect you in the ways this guy has.

 

[AKDee]

I agree with Della. And I recall vividly that in every instance where a group of people told me a certain relationship of mine wasn’t meant to be, they were right. Outsiders can often see things more clearly. Save yourself some heartache and extract yourself now, rather than waste additional time with this guy. He’s not going to change for you. Do you really want a guy who has a more intimate friendship with another woman than he does with you? Because it is emotionally intimate for him to be sharing details of your relationship with her. It’s dangerous because that can lead to a physical affair. And do you really want someone who promised not to do it again at your request, then did it behind your back and lied to you about it? Because that’s what you’re going to get. He will keep doing things like that, although he may get better at not being caught.