How Important is Virginity Prior to Marriage?

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sarcophagus:
I hope this doesnt mean that i am destined to divorce!!

I was not a virgin prior to my marriage
My husband and I did live together before marraige
I use b/c pills for medical reasons, can’t go off them, temporary infertility is a side effect
We don’t go to church…at all.

I think this is somewhat biased.
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Lets hope not

The problem with statistics is every time you think you have proved something someone stands up and says he smoked for 80 years and is fit as fiddle.

God Bless
 
In the old days, the reason virginity was important was so the girl would be worth more, she was basically sold.
 
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sarcophagus:
I hope this doesnt mean that i am destined to divorce!!

I was not a virgin prior to my marriage
My husband and I did live together before marraige
I use b/c pills for medical reasons, can’t go off them, temporary infertility is a side effect
We don’t go to church…at all.

I think this is somewhat biased.
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Of course you are not predestined to divorce, it is simply a matter of statistics, not bias. divorce rate is much higher for couples who contracept than for those who use nfp, and much higher for those who live together before marriage than for those who do not. these are readily available on pro-life websites, but also on the pro-choice population research institute website (use to be called the allen guttenmacher inst., one of the earliest promoters of the pill).
 
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Journeyman:
What do you think? Does sex prior to marriage bring in negative baggage to a marriage? What if one or both spouses have sexual partners prior to meeting their spouse? If you or/and your spouse were not virgins prior to your marriage, did that have a negative, positive, or neutral impact on your married life? And what would be your advice to the teens of today regarding fornication?
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YES, it brings in unnecessary baggage and unhappiness. But so does pornography. You see, when you’re so used to fornicating, when the real love happens, you don’t know what it is anymore----you’ve been there…done that…seen that…felt that…no biggie…it deadens a person. Sex and Love loses it’s mystery, it’s awe and magnificance.

God’s Plan is Always the Best.

DON’T DO IT!!!
 
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Christian4life:
Well, this is what happened: somehow my family figured out what we were doing. My family, full of non-Christians who I had been praying for and trying to be a good example to for the past 4 years. They knew I had intended on waiting until marriage, and they didn’t care what my rationale was, they simply saw me as making a statement that 1. I couldn’t control myself enough to wait, and 2. Sex before marriage is okay. They even thought we were living togethor! 4 years of good works undone within a week!

As if that weren’t enough, some of my friends figured it out too! My very impressionable quasi-Christian friend who looked to me as an example started sleeping with her womanizing boyfriend, and to this day I blame myself for contributing to that whole mess!

I guarantee you you are someone’s idea of what an ideal Christian is, so don’t blow it!

Secondly, I started to feel really bad about it. I sat in the back of church and cried all through service because I felt like such a hypocrit even being there. So I stopped going. I didn’t come back for quite a while, and I missed it terribly.

Third, and worst of all, my relationship with God really suffered. I still felt I HAD a relationship with him, but what kind of person was I that I constantly had to ask forgiveness - then to just keep doing the same thing again. Once you get going it is so hard to stop, ESPECIALLY when you really are in love.

Oh my goodness I just can’t believe how badly this has affected our lives! We both began to feel so bad about the fact that we were sleeping togethor and not married, we tried to stop but in some ways we didn’t want to, and we just couldn’t stop!

Finally we ended up (on the advice of a friend) eloping and having done with it. The dream wedding I had looked forward to all my life was just a small ceremony in court with 2 witnesses. I still cry sometimes when I look at pretty table linens. I know that sounds remarkably selfish but I had this thing all planned out since I was 4 years old! Yet I know we did the right thing, I hold our wedding day sacred, and I know we would’ve just broken up if we hadn’t gotten married when we did - and would’ve caused more sin and problems to radiate out from our sin.

My grandmother STILL won’t talk to me because I didn’t invite her to my wedding. All the rest of my family are still hurt and resentful about it, and so is my husband’s family - even though THEY don’t know why. But I know in my heart we did the right thing, as we would’ve had to wait 6 more months, lived in mortal sin 6 more months, if we’d had that big wedding.

Now we have a beautiful little girl who was concieved, thankfully, in wedlock, but by only 3 WEEKS! I still don’t know what I would tell her if she hadn’t been!!

I still don’t know what to tell her when she gets to the age where I need to talk to her about these things! I don’t know if I can ever bear to tell her the truth about how daddy and I goofed up, and hope she doesn’t think that it’s okay to make the same mistake…

I don’t really want her to know at all! I just want her to know that sex before marriage is NEVER a good idea!

I know this is all very personal and I hope I haven’t offended anyone, I hope someone may be helped in some way by my unhappy story.
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thanks for your story. Mine also went something like this. You develope an emotional connection and It’s hard to stop. I missed that time window and did have to explain to my child about their conception. And then when u tell them not to do this-there is your example that u can’t erase. I too regretted not having the big ceremony-for many years. And now have 2 children “living together” but I have expressed my views and thankfully marriages are planned.
 
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Christian4life:
Now we have a beautiful little girl who was concieved, thankfully, in wedlock, but by only 3 WEEKS! I still don’t know what I would tell her if she hadn’t been!!

I still don’t know what to tell her when she gets to the age where I need to talk to her about these things! I don’t know if I can ever bear to tell her the truth about how daddy and I goofed up, and hope she doesn’t think that it’s okay to make the same mistake…
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You don’t need to tell her your personal history. If you haven’t done so yet, you need to go to confession. It sounds like you’re dealing with some guilt. You made a mistake but God forgives.

As for feeling hypocritical when telling your children not to have sex outside of marriage - you are not being hypocritical! You explain related facts such as fornication is a sin, it’s damaging to eventual marriage, God intended sex to be exclusively for husband an wife, etc. You don’t need to bring your personal past into the discussion. If asked, you don’t need to disclose it either. Have your answer ready.

Although I’ve never been asked by my kids, my answer would be, “Dad and I have a wonderful marriage. I’m not going to get specific about what we did and didn’t do before marriage because it’s personal. I will say that we weren’t always 100% pure in every respect but did wait for marriage for some things. It was difficult to wait but well worth it.” This answers the question truthfully (we weren’t virgins but we didn’t live together) without giving approval for certain acts. The kids are free to assume we were virgins and know that it was hard to fight the temptation.

Here’s an analogy I gave to a cat-lover when she accused me of being hypocritical in telling my kids they should wait for marriage even though I didn’t: If you abused animals as a kid and one day realized you were wrong, would you quietly sit by now as an adult while a cat was being abused because to say something would be hypocritical? You could use the analogy with anything like drunk driving or speeding or theft or abortion or cheating or ???
 
Dear brothers and sisters,
I am a 21 year old male and i definitely feel that one’s spouse should be a virgin before marriage( and that includes abstaining from ALL sexual activities such as fornication as well).
I once knew a guy who fell in love with a girl when he was 18(she was a well) and their relationship lasted for a year or so. His gf had called him to the hotel numerous times,but although being in immense temptation, he rejected because of the guilt he had .Thats the guilt that should guide us through the catholic way of life. The guy although he had trivial high school crushes and puppy-loves, he had never been physical with the girls because of the guilt i mentioned.
Of course there is a valid reason( i guess) to their break up. The girl lied that she was a virgin and never been with a girl in any physical manner but in actual fact she had slept with a few guys already and she had a reputation for it( i didnt know it). The guy blindly believed because he was head over heels in love. Once he found out he was heartbroken and he had to break up because he could no longer take it.
He drew quite a bit of criticisms from ppl. The guy i mentioned is actually ME. I was told that this kind of lifestyle is normal in the age of this modernized world. i couldn’t disagree more. Just because it is the year 2014, we cant disregard our Catholic faith and culture of about 2000 years.
Ppl i know often tell me that we should fgt mistakes and accept the person for who she is. This is cant.i know i am not an angel but the whole reason why i am a virgin now is because i want to marry someone who has respected her body and waited for the right person(me).We should be fair in my opinion. So how could i disregard that? It is often said"who doesnt make a mistake, they will change."So if a person changes will she/he get back their virginity?
i sincerely dont feel that I am wrong in having an opinion of this. Of course if my future wife lost her virginity because she was raped and violated, i will accept her with open arms but not otherwise. Why is it wrong to love someone who has respected their body to give it away to the right(only ONE person) and most importantly at the right time(which certainly is after marriage). In my opinion, even if we are engaged to someone and we are to marry that person, sex should only come after marriage.Sorry for being old school, but I cant seem to change this view of mine. It would be a blessing to have catholic youngster to value their bodies by abstaining from this things.
Peace and love of Christ be with you all.
 
Journeyman said:
… Why do many parents feel that it is virtually impossible to stop kids from having sex and the parents don’t seem too worried about it (their major worry is making sure their kids are using “protection”) Do parents look at their own marriage and figure “Heck, we weren’t virgins and it hasn’t hurt our marriage” or do they think “Heck, we weren’t virgins, so how can I expect my kid to show self control and refrain from sex”. Are parents afraid of being hypocritics when it comes to sex?
…
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How do young people form a view about what is the proper place of sex in their lives? Surely a major influence is film and television. And how does your everyday prime time TV program portray the place of sexual relationships in our lives? They send these messages (among others):
  • they are commonplace;
  • boyfriends/girlfriends make out on dates and if they are lucky, have sex; [high fives all round…]
  • love triangles and “cheating” are pretty common;
  • etc.
Now, how many parents do you know that prevent their children watching programs that involve these situations? Or at least discuss those programs with their children?

It seems not hard to understand why parents might think its difficult to avoid teenage sex. The society almost demands it of anyone who wants to be considered normal or successful.
 
Journeyman said:
The Church obviously teaches that sex outside of marriage is a grave sin. But most Catholics over the past 30 years or so have tended to ignore this teaching. I was recently at a meeting of parents regarding chastity for teens and one parent stated that it is unrealistic to expect kids to abstain from sex and many parents seemed to agree.

This caused to me think that maybe a lot of parents figure that if their kids don’t get pregnant or don’t contract a terrible STD, that sex prior to marriage is not hurtful and that it won’t hurt a marriage later in life.

What do you think? Does sex prior to marriage bring in negative baggage to a marriage? What if one or both spouses have sexual partners prior to meeting their spouse? If you or/and your spouse were not virgins prior to your marriage, did that have a negative, positive, or neutral impact on your married life? And what would be your advice to the teens of today regarding fornication?
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If those parents are unconcerned that their children have premarital sex it is because they probably have had premarital sex. Thus it has become the new normal. It is disturbing when even Catholics encourage this belief and it points to really inadequate catechesis but also to a disobedient mindset to the will of God. Somehow our bishops need to wake up to this fact and spend some time and money to reeducate people to the truth. 🤷
 
In answer to the OP"s question I think that virginity is rare now but a priceless gift to one’s spouse that can lay the foundation for a good and holy marriage if both partners understand the value in it. That being said if someone is not a virgin yet repents they too with God’s help will have a God filled marriage and family life. For the people who think that premarital sex is no biggie deal ,well, I shudder to think what awaits them. They are living in lies and darkness yet think they have all the answers. I feel sorry for them and for their poor kids.
 
My husband and I were virgins when we got married and i believe thats the reason why we are enjoying a blissful married life.

Having said that many youngsters now a days dont say no to sex before marriage which is very sad.

My unmarried sisters are not virgin as they have cofessed to me as they trust me. I have requested them to stop it but i doubt that they will listen to me and refrain from any sexual activities.

I prayed for my sisters ever since they reached puberty but they got tempted to sin.
 
There is no way to guarantee that one’s children will avoid sin, because of the pesky issue known as free will. 😛 Still, I think the best chance parents have is to make sure that their children know they are LOVED. I have a suspicion that part of the reason unchastity has become normative is that people crave intimacy and connection with others, but don’t develop healthy attitudes about relationships (of all kinds.) We value stuff and using people, but underneath people know that doesn’t give satisfaction. Fornication doesn’t either, but sexual impulses still have a great deal to do with bonding (even though we try to ignore that and impose our own will on it.)

In my experiences as a child growing up and as a teacher at the high school level, it’s been my observation that children who come from loving homes, with a mother and a father, are much less likely to engage in risky sexual behavior, regardless of their religious background. Modeling intimacy is so important for young people, and they need to know they are loved, and how to show and receive love, if they are to avoid others who are only looking to use them.
 
Is it important but it shouldn’t be debilitating for someone who have made past mistakes to get married.
My husband and I made mistakes before we got married.
Indeed, we had lived together before we got married and I found out I was pregnant just before my husband asked me to marry him.
We converted to Catholicism together and go married in the Church and were chaste for our entire engagement.

I do think about how wonderful it would have been to be each other’s one and only. I don’t think it will effect my marriage and I wouldn’t have my treasure that is my eldest daughter.

I will teach my daughter’ show important it is to wait until marriage. A marriage needs that bond. It makes the marriage stronger.
It might be difficult for my husband and I to explain to my kids why it’s important. My parents were in the same situation as I was. My parents lived together for years before marriage and my mom was pregnant with me before they got married. They’ve been happily married for 30 years. My sister, same thing except she wasn’t pregnant, has been very happily married for 5 years.
But I will still do everything I can to explain to my daughters that it’s not only essential to wait for marriage but that it’s very possible to do so.
 
Basically, fundamental. The women and men who were not virgins before they married, or one was and the other wasn’t, are going to be either getting a divorce soon, or are going have less of a quality of a relationship in general.

They are the ones responsible for the destruction of marriage and so much more in this country – not some 4% (in reference to those who identify as LGBT). In fact, I think there are perhaps more LGBT-‘identifiers’ than there are virgins in this country, nowadays.

You know the saying about adulterers not changing their stripes, well, it can be applied to fornicators as well – they’re the same thing, essentially, from my anecdotal evidence (too lazy to find actual evidence for this).

Fornicators have poor discrimination and are dishonest in general. Heck, one such example is Durex Sexual Wellbeing Global Survey of 2007/2008:

American men average 13 partners, which is:
  • Ten less than Canadians (23)
  • Three less than the British (16)
  • One less than Mexicans (14)
  • Equal to the global average (13)
American women average nine partners, which is:
  • One less than Canadians (10)
  • One less than the British (10)
  • Three more than Mexicans (6)
  • Two more than the global average (7)
The problem is, male:females make a 1:1 ratio on virtually every country on earth. So how can it be that in each country, and in the global average there is such a discrepancy in the amount of sex partners men and women have? And there are other ways they can be found dishonest as well, that’s just one such example; imagine that, an entire country run by liars – that’ll get you very far.
 
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