How important should a woman's career aspirations be when choosing a partner?

[sanctamaria17]

She can have them. St. Gianna Molla followed hers. And the good Catholic boy I’ve been seeing apparently does not seem to mind that I have mine…

Some people are so focused on gender roles that they forget God has His own callings…and we have several saints to remember that…

Besides, I think it would be an awesome testament of motherhood if my own kids see me defending it in all aspects…if they see that their mom is a pro-life midwife/public health official and ends up bringing that to the government, they can say, “See, it’s not something we only do at church! My mom works for the government and she’s very clear about that!” Besides, as for that, I’d want my doctors/midwives to be female…so women better be able to have careers!

The boy I’m seeing is a deeply devout Catholic and he’s pro-life. And he believes that men and women are equal and as such, should have equal opportunities unless God says otherwise (so no priesthood). If he didn’t believe that, well, I wouldn’t be seeing him because I’m not going to kill my dreams and desires that God has given me just because of some guy.

 

[Cat]

There are many careers that women can have that do not require them to be away from their children.

Health care professions are particularly accomodating to moms.

I work as a medical technologist in a hospital lab. The hours (7-3:30) allowed me to work all day while my children were in school. I would get up early, drop them off at the skating rink, where they practiced their figure skating from 6:00-7:30 A.M. My husband would come to the rink, pick them up, and take them to school. During their school years, I arranged to work 6:30 A.M. - 3:00 P.M. so that I could pick them up from school.

Lots of health care professions will work with a mom to allow her to work part-time, registry, weekends only, or creative shifts (12 hours/3days).

Many other companies in fields other than health care allow job sharing, part-time hours, work-from-home (remote), etc.

I never intended to work while my kids were growing up. But then they got involved with the sport of figure skating, which cost much more than my husband’s income alone could cover. (And we lived in a small, old house in the middle of the city, and drove cheap cars and economized in any way we could.) I paid around twelve thousand a year for the girls to skate six days a week, and be part of an elite synchronized skating team. NOTE: THIS AMOUNT OF MONEY IS NOT SPENT BY ALL FIGURE SKATING FAMILIES! Don’t be discouraged about getting involved with this great sport–you CAN get by spending a lot less.

Also, in this economy, with men in good, secure jobs being laid off and their jobs eliminated, a woman should never count on her husband to be able to support the family. Go over to the Finances Section of this board–heartbreaking. No marriage does well, and many don’t survive in the face of poverty and destitution. A wife’s income from a GOOD career could save the marriage and keep the family together.

Finally, sadly, 50% of the marriages in the U.S. end in divorce. A woman is foolish not to plan for the possibility of this tragedy. 50% odds are too high–if the lottery had 50% odds of winning, even I would buy tickets.

 

[flyingfish]

It really depends on the woman. Some women are called to be professionals all their life and have children, others are called to be stay at home moms, still others don’t have a choice because they have to work boring and tiring jobs to put food on the table.

You can’t really generalize something like this.

But since you’re curious about opinions, I think career aspirations should be very important for talented women (say those who can be doctors, scientists, musicians). If you’re looking to marry a woman like that, then expect that her career is going to be a huge part of her life, throughout her life. But if the alternative to being a stay at home mom is working a minimum wage job somewhere, then obviously it’s far less important.

 

[Em_in_FL]

Choosing a partner? I hope it’s a bit more romantic than that! It’s not like you should line em up then throw darts!

It’s important to me for a woman to be her own person. If she wants to work, great. If not, great. As long as she can think for herself.

I had to comment… this totally cracked me up!
I think the darts would be rather painful - and if that’s the one you picked I’d watch out, she may throw it right back at ya!

 

[Sr_Sally]

She can have them. St. Gianna Molla followed hers.

St. Gianna was a pediatrician in private practice. Not a job with a low time-commitment or low stress level. She worked because she loved it and she wanted to help mothers and children. In her own household she had live in childcare and housekeeping help.

St. Teresa’s (lIttle flower) mother worked until she died. In fact St. Teresa’s father closed his shop and started managing his wife’s business. Her mother talks about staying up until midnight to finish work after taking a break for family dinner and the children’s bedtime.

The Church has never spoken against a wife or mother working because She realizes that it is often financially necessary. Any couple needs to discuss how they will manage their home and family once they are married and that includes the husband’s job and time with family also.

The Church has never spoken against a girl or women’s education either. Cultural norms throught the ages may have meant that girls were educated less than boys in some times and places, however we have always had examples of highly educated women both as consecrated religious and as lay women.

 

[AlmostDrS]

Long-time lurker. First time poster. (I joined just so I could respond to this post.)

I think there are situations that may arise where the wife is the breadwinner or the sole income provider, and there is nothing wrong with that.

My husband provides the income now in addition to my stipend, but when I am done with my PhD I will provide most of the income. He’ll probably start freelancing instead of doing his position full time. When we have kids, he’ll be the stay at home parent if he wants. If not, we’ll both work because we choose to. Each person should be able to do what makes them happy. I have no desire to every be a stay-at-home mom. He thinks he may enjoy staying home. So if we are blessed with children, we’ll try it. If he enjoys it he’ll continue at home. If not no big deal. There is nothing wrong with both parents wanting to work outside the home.

A woman should be well-educated and driven. Whether she is driven to work outside the home or not doesn’t matter so long as she is doing something that makes her happy. I think career/vocation is very important when discerning marriage. I couldn’t have married someone who wasn’t ambitious in one way or another. I imagine an unambitious person would be a dull companion.

 

[flyingfish]

I couldn’t have married someone who wasn’t ambitious in one way or another. I imagine an unambitious person would be a dull companion.

That’s how I feel as well.

To the OP: you’ll be spending the rest of your life with your wife. It would be better for your marriage if she is well educated, strong, and has interesting things going on in life that are independent from you.

You’ll respect her for her success, and you’ll have interesting things to talk about.

 

[whatevergirl]

There is no “one size fits all” answer to this question, as God made each one of us a unique individual. However, it is important that both the husband and wife be in agreement on each of their roles.

I agree…great post. (and so succinct!)

 

[budgie2]

I think it depends to a large degree on your opinion on the use of contraception in your marriage. If it’s important for you not to use contraception then it is probable that your wife will have to put “her career” on the back burner as others have said. However, there are some couples who suffer from infertility which may not be discovered for a long while although most couples would not wish for this. If you used NFP for the wrong reasons and without financial necessity then this would be venial sin however, it is probably used in this way by many couples and certainly better than other forms of contraception. I made the decision to work in a lower paid job as I wanted to live according to the Church’s teaching although my husband had no strong view. It took me four years to have my first so it was worth working in the meantime but now I’m unemployed and staying at home looking after my baby.

 

[budgie2]

Also depends on what you mean by career. There’s a large majority of women in the Catholic Church in bog standard jobs which would not really constitute “a career”. Career suggests one of the professions such as teaching, nursing/doctoring, lawyer aswell as managerial. So it may depend on what job you expect your wife to have aswell as what she personally wants out of life.

 

[flyingfish]

I think it depends to a large degree on your opinion on the use of contraception in your marriage. If it’s important for you not to use contraception then it is probable that your wife will have to put “her career” on the back burner as others have said. However, there are some couples who suffer from infertility which may not be discovered for a long while although most couples would not wish for this. If you used NFP for the wrong reasons and without financial necessity then this would be venial sin however, it is probably used in this way by many couples and certainly better than other forms of contraception. I made the decision to work in a lower paid job as I wanted to live according to the Church’s teaching although my husband had no strong view. It took me four years to have my first so it was worth working in the meantime but now I’m unemployed and staying at home looking after my baby.

Being able to keep up with the demands of a career can be a just reason to use NFP. It really depends on the couple. Some people are called to be professionals and married at the same time.

Not to mention that there are plenty of Catholic couples where the father stays at home.

 

[budgie2]

Being able to keep up with the demands of a career can be a just reason to use NFP. It really depends on the couple. Some people are called to be professionals and married at the same time.

Not to mention that there are plenty of Catholic couples where the father stays at home.

Some women such as me see their main career as looking after their family. A woman who works as a professional gets paid but a lot of women that stay at home use their services voluntarily for the community such as my mum. I appreciate in a case of financial necessity such as husband’s unemployment a woman may be forced to be the main wage earner. Some men may choose to be house husbands although it may be a more natural choice for a woman to to be a house wife and less expensive for the employer. Women take time out for maternity leave and some for pregnancy related illness and therefore there are a number of breaks in their career anyway. So it seems a more natural choice for a man to concentrate on being the main wage earner although sometimes this is not possible due to illness or unemployment.

 

[catherinette]

I think you should have phrased the question differently. How important should anyone’s career aspirations be if they are planning to get married and have a family? I guess as I’ve gotten older, my opinion about the importance of having an extremely successful career has gone through a few revisions. For now I am single, so having a career and working on living my life to the fullest are the things I’m worrying most about right now. If someday I am married and have a family, then there are certainly some sacrifices I would be willing to make; I see professionals and academics who are married but living far apart for the sake of their separate careers, and I personally find the idea rather ridiculous. On the other hand, I’ve always been the smart girl, and I do believe I have more to contribute to society than just being a wife and mother, not that these aren’t the most important careers in the world! Here’s my caveat, though: I think the same holds true for the man. The father and husband does not need to be emotionally distant or physically absent for the sake of having a more successful career. In the relationship, it’s likely there will come a point when one of the two people will have to make a greater sacrifice in terms of their career, but I don’t think it’s necessarily always true that it must be the woman who makes the larger sacrifice. It depends a lot on the couple and the circumstances!

 

[Litcrit]

A ‘career’ can mean many different things to different people.

For instance, ‘I want to win power, money, and respect, and will walk over my family in order to achieve this’ is an attitude that does not make one easy to be married to. It’s also not a very Christian attitude.

OTOH, ‘I have a mission in life that I feel is from God and that God gave me talents for and that also happens to put food on the table for my family’ is a pretty good attitude in those that happen to have that vocation and those talents and it’s a good attitude in both men and women.

 

[dashso40]

What follows is my opinion. Please take it as that (OP and everyone else).

Our relationship with God is always first in our lives, right? So whatever our vocation is, that flows from that relationship with God. If we are called to marriage, marriage comes first for both husband and wife above all else (kids, extended families, career). Once a woman is married, that vocation of wife and mother (if God wills) comes above all else. Her number one priority should be her family. That does not rule out college and career, but it puts them on a back burner. And if they have children, it is not only unwise but also irresponsible for her to have a career while she is raising them, unless, of course, circumstances dictate that she must work for the income or if she works alongside her husband, such as in a home business.

So, if we’re talking about a college-age woman who is getting married soon, then no, I don’t think she should aspire to career until her motherhood days are over or unless they cannot have children. There is plenty of time in her lifespan and also now there will be time in her schedule left after the children are grown to pursue her further education and career. With average life expentancies, she would have at least 30 years at her disposal.

For a woman with no marriage prospect, I absolutely believe that she should attend college immediately and pursue a career afterwards if she is not yet married. I fall into this category even though I am married, because my husband and I do not have children and we are not sure if we ever will be able to. I am in college and intend to work in some capacity afterwards, although most likely only part-time, as my duties at home come first. Peace and carefree timelessness with my husband and family are more important to me than any career ever could be, and I will never give that up. Is it important to make a difference in the world and to have intellectual stimulation that is not “hearth and home” related? Absolutely. But I am making just as much of a difference in the world by giving my best to my loved ones as I could anywhere else. And in turn, they can then give their best selves to others. And that will last for eternity, too.

To more pointedly answer your question, I believe that a woman should have dreams and aspirations, and that a man should look for a woman who does. However, I believe that she must also realize that if she is called to be a wife, that will be her most important career of all and she must be willing to sacrifice everything else for it.

You put my thoughts right on the screen!

 

[flyingfish]

Some women such as me see their main career as looking after their family. A woman who works as a professional gets paid but a lot of women that stay at home use their services voluntarily for the community such as my mum. I appreciate in a case of financial necessity such as husband’s unemployment a woman may be forced to be the main wage earner. Some men may choose to be house husbands although it may be a more natural choice for a woman to to be a house wife and less expensive for the employer. Women take time out for maternity leave and some for pregnancy related illness and therefore there are a number of breaks in their career anyway. So it seems a more natural choice for a man to concentrate on being the main wage earner although sometimes this is not possible due to illness or unemployment.

Having a career is not necessarily about getting paid. Take as an example a woman who is a doctor. That woman helps many people, even saves lives. Or take a woman who is a teacher, or a researcher, or an artist. I personally would not want any of these women to quit their jobs to raise children at home. Would you? Children seem to grow up great when both parents work, spending all your time with them seems to me to be unnecessary.

I really doubt God gives women these talents and expects them to let them go to waste, nor do I think God wants these women to never marry or raise children. It’s not about money, it’s about becoming the person God intends you to be.

 

[budgie2]

Having a career is not necessarily about getting paid. Take as an example a woman who is a doctor. That woman helps many people, even saves lives. Or take a woman who is a teacher, or a researcher, or an artist. I personally would not want any of these women to quit their jobs to raise children at home. Would you? Children seem to grow up great when both parents work, spending all your time with them seems to me to be unnecessary.

I really doubt God gives women these talents and expects them to let them go to waste, nor do I think God wants these women to never marry or raise children. It’s not about money, it’s about becoming the person God intends you to be.

I was lucky enough to have a mother that stayed primarily at home with her children although she worked part time. She couldn’t work later in life as my brothers were ill, but she might have had that option. I’ve got a very strong relationship with my mother and appreciated the time that she had for me. Therefore I’ve followed her example. At the end of the day the people that we meet at work or care for will not be part of our lives when we retire. They are not long term relationships like the ones we have with our children. Equally I hope my children will have time for me when I am old and in need of care.

For me having children is a very important job. Although I may care for other people at work as a nurse/doctor/teacher, these people would not be there if somebody did not give birth to them. The role of the mother is the most important job in the world to me as she is source of life and brings human beings into the world.

As a mother I am nurse and teacher to my children. I am also an artist because God creates his masterpiece, human life inside my womb. Human life is the pinnacle of God’s creation.

 

[flyingfish]

I was lucky enough to have a mother that stayed primarily at home with her children although she worked part time. She couldn’t work later in life as my brothers were ill, but she might have had that option. I’ve got a very strong relationship with my mother and appreciated the time that she had for me. Therefore I’ve followed her example. At the end of the day the people that we meet at work or care for will not be part of our lives when we retire. They are not long term relationships like the ones we have with our children. Equally I hope my children will have time for me when I am old and in need of care.

For me having children is a very important job. Although I may care for other people at work as a nurse/doctor/teacher, these people would not be there if somebody did not give birth to them. The role of the mother is the most important job in the world to me as she is source of life and brings human beings into the world.

As a mother I am nurse and teacher to my children. I am also an artist because God creates his masterpiece, human life inside my womb. Human life is the pinnacle of God’s creation.

I’m not saying that your children should not be your main focus, they should be regardless of whether you have a career or not or whether you are male or female (notice how no one ever implies that a man cannot have a career and put his children first at the same time).

My point is that you can do both.

Do you have little girls? Do you tell them that they must choose between pursuing their professional dreams and having a family? Or do you teach them that it is possible to do both? Do you tell your little boys that they should expect their future wives to take care of all the housework?

 

[Litcrit]

I was lucky enough to have a mother that stayed primarily at home with her children although she worked part time. She couldn’t work later in life as my brothers were ill, but she might have had that option. I’ve got a very strong relationship with my mother and appreciated the time that she had for me. Therefore I’ve followed her example. At the end of the day the people that we meet at work or care for will not be part of our lives when we retire. They are not long term relationships like the ones we have with our children. Equally I hope my children will have time for me when I am old and in need of care.

I was lucky enough to have a mother that worked at a very important and difficult public job as a psychologist. I had a wonderful relationship with her. Her example taught me honesty, integrity, and courage in the professional sphere and I’m trying to follow it.

Her colleagues are still friends of our family, even 7 years after she died. She couldn’t attend my wedding, but all her colleagues were invited and came.

She died relatively young, but I would have taken care of her in her old age if she’d lived to see it.

For me having children is a very important job. Although I may care for other people at work as a nurse/doctor/teacher, these people would not be there if somebody did not give birth to them. The role of the mother is the most important job in the world to me as she is source of life and brings human beings into the world.

I completely agree. But the same goes for fathers. No one would be here if somebody did not beget them. Fathers are sources of life too. Fatherhood is every bit as important as motherhood is.

As a mother I am nurse and teacher to my children. I am also an artist because God creates his masterpiece, human life inside my womb. Human life is the pinnacle of God’s creation.

This was true for both my parents and is also true in my family for both of us. There would be no human life inside the womb without the father.

Perhaps I see this so differently because when I was growing up, my parents were both home at 3pm and I also had loving grandparents, aunts and uncles nearby. My mother had a year of maternity leave when I was born and every time I was sick my mom or dad could easily get paid leave. Now my working hours are ridiculously short, so I’ve never seen a problem with ‘having it all’ - where I live, it’s only normal for both parents to both parent and work.

 

[flyingfish]

I was lucky enough to have a mother that worked at a very important and difficult public job as a psychologist. I had a wonderful relationship with her. Her example taught me honesty, integrity, and courage in the professional sphere and I’m trying to follow it.
… where I live, it’s only normal for both parents to both parent and work.

From my experience as well, it is perfectly possible to have a career and be a devoted parent. Nothing to me suggests that you have to be there 100% of the time to develop a good relationship with your child, to be involved in their life, and to raise a functioning adult.

I just don’t believe that God gives so many women talents and intends for them to never follow through in developing and using them (or remaining single throughout their lives). I don’t see this in Church teaching either.

The justifications for women staying at home and doing the overwhelming part of the housework seem to be more of a product of a culture where women are considered to be intellectually, physically, and emotionally incapable of professional achievement, and frankly intended by God only for the purpose of domestic work and childbearing.

It seems that if this is what God intended, he would have made women quite differently.